weltrav Posted November 2, 2009 Share Posted November 2, 2009 Ex left me a voice message saying that while she cannot date me right now, she still "cares for me so much" and says I can be her best friend again like before we dated. I have been NC with her for a week and have not/hopefully will not contact her in response to her voicemail. There are just so many variables in what she is saying. I know it is socially expected intoday's culture that ex's be "friends" and to do otherwise is seen as bitter or childish. But how am I supposed to be this great friend to her while she is sleeping (ok they did just start dating) with another guy. I almost feel like her saying she "cares" is actually she just feels guilty and is afraid I'll like kill myself or something. It's like she's saying "you aren't good enough anymore to be my boyfriend, that position is taken, but I'll allow you to enjoy my presence a bit as a friend..." Man does this all suck... Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted November 3, 2009 Share Posted November 3, 2009 Wow! She's letting you be her best friend again while she's dating someone else?!? You must feel so lucky... Umm...continue NC...this is just her way of: (1) lessening the guilt for leaving you; (2) keeping you around as an emotional tampon; (3) having her cake and eating it too; (4) making her feel like she's taking the high and righteous road by staying friends; (5) keeping you on the back burner; and the list goes on and on...this in no way benefits you, in the short term or long term... Link to post Share on other sites
Author weltrav Posted November 3, 2009 Author Share Posted November 3, 2009 Yeah I hear you USM. I would love for nothing else than to have a second go with her someday in the future, that's why it is almost tempting to be that friend to her, just as we became friends back when we were both dating other people. But now the idea seems so degrading. Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted November 3, 2009 Share Posted November 3, 2009 Well of course it'll be a bit degrading...especially for the dumpee...for me, I had entertained the thought of being friends with my ex and just hanging around and waiting for that glimmer of hope...but when you think about it, how the heck do you know when it's time to switch gears and give it a second chance...? Do you just one day, out of the blue, tell each other, ok, let's give it another go... I realized how incredibly awkward that would be...especially if you and/or her were dating other people...everyone is right...if you still have feelings, being friends never works... Once you cross that line the first time and then go back to being just friends, it'll never be the same as before...and how the heck would she ever know that her life is truly better when she's with you if you're always hanging around...? If you want that second chance, it's gotta be on your terms...not hers...and as long as you're around, she's in control... Link to post Share on other sites
Stockalone Posted November 3, 2009 Share Posted November 3, 2009 Ex left me a voice message saying that while she cannot date me right now, she still "cares for me so much" and says I can be her best friend again like before we dated. I have been NC with her for a week and have not/hopefully will not contact her in response to her voicemail. There are just so many variables in what she is saying. I know it is socially expected intoday's culture that ex's be "friends" and to do otherwise is seen as bitter or childish. But how am I supposed to be this great friend to her while she is sleeping (ok they did just start dating) with another guy. I almost feel like her saying she "cares" is actually she just feels guilty and is afraid I'll like kill myself or something. It's like she's saying "you aren't good enough anymore to be my boyfriend, that position is taken, but I'll allow you to enjoy my presence a bit as a friend..." Man does this all suck... I am a proponent of never being friends with an ex. Who cares if that is being seen as bitter or childish. We do what is best for us. Personally, I think NC is far better than being the guy who is no longer good enough to be the bf but is still supposed to do stuff the new guy can't or won't do. That being said, can you see yourself being her friend again where you get as much as you give out of this friendship? If that is the case, I would tell her that being friends again might be an option in the future, but certainly not right away. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused728 Posted November 3, 2009 Share Posted November 3, 2009 I will never be freinds with any of my exs, i see no reason for it, even if we started off as freinds. I am currently broken up with my bf for about two months, i started no contact a month ago so he can really see what its like to not have me around...though he prob doesnt care as he going away and god knows what else... my view is dont even tell them you might be friends with them in the future, let them think they will never see you again, you have more power that way..dont comfort them by saying you will be freinds soon then they may hold out for that Link to post Share on other sites
Odyssey Posted November 3, 2009 Share Posted November 3, 2009 If you did go back to her, the friendship will never be the same again...well not like before you two dated. There's a lot of pain right now to just be friends. I don't think it can't be swept under the carpet so easily, the wound is still fresh...it'll just be too awkward. What if she does find someone else, while your still waiting by her wings...ouch! Not saying that you totally can not be friends at all, i don't see it being a positive thing right now. Maybe in several months time, then see how it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author weltrav Posted November 3, 2009 Author Share Posted November 3, 2009 Thanks for everything you guys are saying, you have no idea how much it helps to keep me sane and committed to staying NC. Every day is like a roller coaster, rationalizing all throughout the day that I'm better with her not in my life now, then I go to bed, possibly have a dream or something about her, and wake up in the morning almost having a panic attack at the loss I feel. I still keep thinking of questions I want to ask her about our relationship and about this new guy, but from hearing from you guys and reading other posts, I finally realize that doing so would not benefit me in any way, drive her further away and make her dislike me more, and make me lose more self esteem. As of now, I'm thinking about going to my cell provider and blocking her number so that there are no random contacts that catch me off guard. Is that excessive of me? Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted November 3, 2009 Share Posted November 3, 2009 That's awful So sorry.. I have said to my ex that once he starts seeing someone I will no longer want to meet up with him as that will be too much for me to cope with. Link to post Share on other sites
Odyssey Posted November 3, 2009 Share Posted November 3, 2009 As of now, I'm thinking about going to my cell provider and blocking her number so that there are no random contacts that catch me off guard. Is that excessive of me? Excessive?! Depends, how often is she calling you? I had to get a new phone when my ex was calling and texting me like crazy, when i accidentally met her in town. But when i was coping, i just deleted her number off my phone, to make it harder for me to call her. I put away everything to do with her. Even a new email account. Link to post Share on other sites
ADF Posted November 3, 2009 Share Posted November 3, 2009 Ex left me a voice message saying that while she cannot date me right now, she still "cares for me so much" and says I can be her best friend again like before we dated. I have been NC with her for a week and have not/hopefully will not contact her in response to her voicemail. There are just so many variables in what she is saying. I know it is socially expected intoday's culture that ex's be "friends" and to do otherwise is seen as bitter or childish. But how am I supposed to be this great friend to her while she is sleeping (ok they did just start dating) with another guy. I almost feel like her saying she "cares" is actually she just feels guilty and is afraid I'll like kill myself or something. It's like she's saying "you aren't good enough anymore to be my boyfriend, that position is taken, but I'll allow you to enjoy my presence a bit as a friend..." Man does this all suck... Ex's can be friends, but usually not right after a break up. You're not some machine, able to flip a switch and turn yourself instantly from lover to platonic friend. That's absurd. What you need to do is stay away from this women completely for a while. Six monthes would be good; a year would be better. That means no seeing her, no phone calls, no email, no texting. Let yourself get some distance and get over your feelings. Then if you still want to, you can try to be friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Author weltrav Posted November 4, 2009 Author Share Posted November 4, 2009 Again, all of your reponses are giving me a lot to think about (in a good way!). We broke up last day or so of April, so it has been over 6 months, but in September she made some signals that she was interested in getting back together. I suppose the hurt of last April that we put each other through doesn't look appealing in comparison to the excitement of this new guy she met on OKCupid. I'm happy I'm doing NC (1 week and 1 day) because it has already noticeably restored some of my dignity/confidence. But I'll be honest, right now as I type this I know that she is off work for the night and probably hanging out with the new guy for the evening, and that puts my stomach into knots... Link to post Share on other sites
Odyssey Posted November 4, 2009 Share Posted November 4, 2009 (edited) weltrav, count yourself lucky you haven't dreamt about them being intimate. yuck. Or maybe you have...i don't know...i will shut up now [odyssey suddenly remembers his weird dream]. Anyway, at least you have a good motivation now to truly move on & focus on yourself. Edited November 4, 2009 by Odyssey Link to post Share on other sites
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