can't get him out of my head

[Queen_Bree]

I am a 22 year old who is desperately trying to get over my 26 yr old ex. I was with him for almost 4 years. We had our first official break up 10 months ago...but I think we only stayed apart for 3 months at a time, getting back together for a week and splitting up again. The last time was around Xmas and we actually stayed together for a good 3 weeks or a month. But just after New Years we decided to call it off again… kind of.

 

Basically during the months of making up and breaking up I was a wreck. I dated, fooled around, even slept with a guy. He was heart broken when I told him and I’m still not sure of why I did it. He had a few flings, but nothing serious. I was his first love, his first everything (catch my drift) and I am much more experienced in the dating dept. than he is.

 

Basically, 5 years ago I was in a bad spot. My ex and I were both partying big time, doing drugs, suddenly I was homeless and he took me in after only a few months of dating. We cleaned up our lives together. He lost his mother when he was 21 and I sort of became a mother figure as well as his lover and best friend. My father has never been part of my life and it seemed I always made (possibly still make) the wrong decisions when it came to men. He taught me a lot about men. My ex knew everything about my past, and he frowned upon it big time.

 

Finally we hit a wall. I am now successful in my career, home life, stable financially and emotionally and I am trying to move on from my past... and he is not. He just wouldn't take the few necessary steps to grow up and he has a terrible temper. He often threw my past in my face and would say hurtful things when he was angry. But when we weren't fighting (and we didn’t fight that often) he was so intelligent, kind, treated me like a queen. I tried to get him to get help with his anger, but he said it was my fault, that I wind him up.

 

After New Years, we broke it off and I promised him that I wouldn’t repeat my actions of the summertime. That I was going to take my time and look for a good man. My biggest mistake? We continued to sleep together.

 

Throughout the summer I was hanging out with one of my best friends a lot and he introduced me to his friend. Although I was very attracted to him, I wasn’t ready at the time for anything serious and he had just got out of a 7 year relationship, so it just wasn’t the right timing. But over the past 10 months whenever we saw each other we got closer.

 

About a month after New Years I started dating him. I had my first date with him 2 weeks after the last time I “saw” my ex. My ex found out and flew off the handle. He embarrassed me so badly in front of my new guy and all my friends that I told him I never wanted to see him again to get out of my life.

 

My new boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 months and he is everything I ever dreamed of and he is totally in love with me. But I can’t stop thinking about my ex!! I know I still love him despite all he put me through. I miss him so much and I can’t understand why! I have such a great guy and I’m in love with a Jerk!! What is wrong with me??

[Tony T]

You probably aren't "in love" with him. Love is loving someone's behavior and you certainly don't love love the behavior of an immature, emotionally arrested idiot. Your feelings are probably just a habit from when you didn't know him so well. There may a lot of chemical and memory elements in there too.

 

You're going to have to forget him or your current relationship, which is with a much better quality individual, will suffer.

 

Love is only a small, but necessary, part of a quality relationship. While love is important, if all the other elements aren't there you can love somebody more than life itself and it means nothing at all. Love is a decision and for some reason you have not yet made the decision to let go. Ask yourself why. Sometimes it's hard to let go of a nice feeling but the only way you can move on to something better to just to cut the line.

[Leikela]

[color=indigo]

Most likely you are still pining over your ex BECAUSE he is a jerk. You said that your father was never a part of your life and that you didn't really know that much about men. The fact that your ex-boyfriend was the only sort of role model that you had, that is the only kind of "love" that you know. So naturally, that is what is going to draw you in.

 

That is great that you got your life together and have moved on. Even though it sounds as though you and your ex had a strong connection, it is best you move on from him totally. You will find that connection again with someone else. You'd be surprised.

 

In the meantime, take the time to appreciate all the good qualities your new boyfriend has and revel in it. Give yourself time as well to get over the hurt of your past relationship. You may find it might be too soon for you to try and start another serious relationship. Good luck!

[/color]