JaggedRoad Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 I said my final goodbye to my ex about a week ago, but here I am still thinking about seeing her in a few months. I've been trying to weigh the pros and cons, and they sort of balance out. I've consulted a good friend of mine and a professor and they both agree that I should invite the ex to visit New York in a few months. They also told me to never tell myself that I'll never be with her again because the future is never certain. I was advised to not give the ex a final goodbye as I would regret doing so, and that seems true right now. I'm lost once again and I want some opinions on this matter. Link to post Share on other sites
Thebob Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 Well buddy, I told my Ex goodbye and I told her to contact me when she is in town next summer, cause it was to hard for me to keep in contact knowing that she is partying and wanting to get with other guys. But long distance is so hard and I understand, so were both going to meet other people during the mean time. Your right that the future is always questionable and you never know, but my girl and I never had any issues whatsoever when we dated, so I wont be surprised if she calls me next summer, but if she doesn't I know she has moved on and so will I by that time. I will most likely welcome her with open arms though because we never got in a fight or anything until 2.5 weeks in to LDR when it got to tough. But ya, if you guys never had any issues I would invite her, but make sure its only on friendly terms and your moving on and dating other individuals and don't get your hopes up if she doesn't want more than that. Do what you feel is best for you and your health. I do hope my ex does call me next summer just because we had a great previous summer until she went off to college. NOt one problem at all the whole summer until LDR!! Good luck mate, Thebob Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaggedRoad Posted October 26, 2009 Author Share Posted October 26, 2009 I'm not really sure where I'll be emotionally in a few months, and there are still a lot of unresolved issues that were never properly addressed after the break-up. I feel like a stranger to her now, so it will be extremely awkward if we are to meet in a few months. But then again, I've always wanted to show her around the city. She told me after the break-up that she might come in the Spring, but in a latter conversation, she made no mention of New York when she was telling me about the places that she wanted to visit. Inviting her to New York would mean that I'll have to break NC. If she rejects the invitation, I'll be back to square one again and be humiliated once more. Link to post Share on other sites
Thebob Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 then don't do it man, if she doesn't feel the same then what is the point? Thebob Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaggedRoad Posted October 26, 2009 Author Share Posted October 26, 2009 There's a big part of me that clings onto the hope that she will agree to visit. I see it as unfinished business since it was always me visiting her in the UK. She was the one taking me out and showing me the sights. If she comes to New York, it'll be the other way around and I'll finally get to take her out for dinner properly even if it's platonic. This may be just an excuse to see her again, so that little acknowledgment is making me a little uneasy. Link to post Share on other sites
hopefullove Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 i think, when you do what you say, then you really can allow yourself to move on, i used to fake goodbyes all the time, secretly hoping that it would never be the end, but you can't live like that lying to yourself... it would be best for you, to let yourself know that you should move on, instead of keeping it open ended, just pretend that its over, so at least you can start the healing process.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaggedRoad Posted October 29, 2009 Author Share Posted October 29, 2009 I know that it's definitely over, but my mind cannot stop thinking about possible encounters in the future. I've been looking for work since the break-up so I can occupy myself with something, and I finally found work last week. The problem still persists and I know that it's all just me. I'm on an antidepressant, but it's just dulling my mood. I guess 10mg isn't really much anyway. I can contact her, but I'm forcing myself not to because it'll most likely end up being pointless and redundant for the millionth time. What I miss most is the comfort in knowing that I'll have someone to talk to intimately once I get home from either work or school. She was the first person I actually opened up to, and it feels like such a huge loss now that I'm without her. I've opened up to my friends and family since the break-up and I've gotten really close to one of my friends, but it's not the same. There was so much that I wanted to open up to my ex about before she ended the relationship, and I think that's one of the biggest things holding me back right now. One part of me wants to contact her and tell her all that I intended to reveal just to get it over with, but the other part of me is telling me that I should just keep quiet. I can confide in my friend, but I don't want to even though I've known her longer than I've known my ex. I'll end my anxiety attack here x_x Link to post Share on other sites
mickleb Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 You're progressing here, Jagged. You're dealing with reality. She is not here. That is your reality. It is a harsh, harsh reality but it IS better than lying to yourself, which is just repeated attempts to put off dealing with this. I completely get you on the missing someone to talk to when you get in. (Why do you think I hang around here so often? ) Somehow friends and family aren't the same, much as they try. I think I know why it's different, though. We trusted them in a different way. We invested in them differently. We believed they had our backs and we wanted them to know us, who we were on a daily basis. Because we believed they would always be there for us. Knowing us and growing with us. But we grew with other people before we knew them and we grow every day, every hour without them. And there will be someone who we find who sticks with it. Someone who loves us, TRULY. We must not waste our lives on them any more. That's all it would be. A complete waste of ourselves. Continue stepping forward each day. You will find yourself again. You have not lost that. It is just muddled up with someone who didn't know how to handle it. You are still there. You will be back. Take (healthy) pleasure where you can. As much of it as you can. (And no, 10 mg isn't a particularly high dose of an anti-depressant, btw.) And keep talking to us. We get you. x Link to post Share on other sites
Thebob Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 Tough it out my man, you can do it. Hell if I can do it I know you can. She aint worth it, and you deserve someone great. You sound like a sensitive person, and caring, and someone out there is looking for someone like you. give it time. message us if you have anymore issues bro, keep up the hard work. Thebob Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaggedRoad Posted October 30, 2009 Author Share Posted October 30, 2009 I try, but it's hard when I walk through the crowds everyday and see couples enjoying their time together. I put on a straight face and try to smile, but it's hard when I know how I really feel. You're definitely right about me being a sensitive person, but I'm not so sure about caring. I try to be caring, but sometimes I do things that suggest otherwise. All I can say is that I'm human and I have my faults. Link to post Share on other sites
Thebob Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 Those are the few people that are happy for now, but give it a couple months and most of those will be broken up. Instead of looking at the couple, look at the people by themselves? are brain likes to show those couples but your brain doesn't realize the singles out there. Since there are more people in location your brain notices them instead of the 1 person walking around. Don't worry about it. Thebob Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaggedRoad Posted October 30, 2009 Author Share Posted October 30, 2009 Hmmm... that's something I seem to neglect. Thank you for pointing that out to me =) Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaggedRoad Posted October 30, 2009 Author Share Posted October 30, 2009 I have one thing that I would like you to help with me. Well, it was the original purpose of the post. I didn't get into detail, but I'll do that now. She spent a lot of her own money when I went to visit her both times. I didn't and still don't feel good about that, but she reassured me that she wanted to spend the money and it was for her, so I shouldn't feel bad. She also told me that I can just pay her back in the future when we get married. Granted, I was supposed to see her this Christmas and treat her this time around. But now that things are over with, I feel like a leecher for not treating her like she treated me. And this alone is compelling me to invite her to New York so I can treat her. It was either that or wiring her $2,000-$3,000 so she can treat herself to whatever she wants. What would be the "right" thing to do? Link to post Share on other sites
Thebob Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 She spent that money when you were a couple, that was her decision not yours. She thought it was the right thing to do at that time and she didn't look back. You have no obligation to pay her back, and if she asks, don't respond. Your doing NC, and giving her money back will set you back. She spent it on you cause you two were together and she cared but now your not a couple, so there is no point... Stay NC and move on.. But that is a solid question.. If u got anymore keep em comin. Thebob Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaggedRoad Posted October 30, 2009 Author Share Posted October 30, 2009 Ok, this one is a little heavy for me. She was really ill this year and I don't think I gave her enough care and love while she was going through it. I can't even remember if I sent her a get well soon card. All I can remember--other than being extremely worried--is being upset at her for not seeing the doctor sooner because she did not want to wake up before 9AM to schedule an appointment. She eventually had to go to the hospital because it got quite serious. I remember telling her to drink warm water as well, but she told me that she was too lazy to go upstairs to boil the water. She was really ill, but I kept getting upset at her. Was I wrong for being upset? This is one of the concerns that I've been trying to deal with even before the break-up happened. Link to post Share on other sites
RoMeIx Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 Ok, this one is a little heavy for me. She was really ill this year and I don't think I gave her enough care and love while she was going through it. I can't even remember if I sent her a get well soon card. All I can remember--other than being extremely worried--is being upset at her for not seeing the doctor sooner because she did not want to wake up before 9AM to schedule an appointment. She eventually had to go to the hospital because it got quite serious. I remember telling her to drink warm water as well, but she told me that she was too lazy to go upstairs to boil the water. She was really ill, but I kept getting upset at her. Was I wrong for being upset? This is one of the concerns that I've been trying to deal with even before the break-up happened. There are a couple ways that I would look at this. I dont think you were wrong for being upset because as you said, she was really ill and was not taking care of herself. When we really care about someone, we want to ensure that they will be well. There might even be some selfishness in it, like making sure she is healthy so she will be around longer for you. I have health insurance through the military, but my ex had it through her job. Toward the end of our relationship we had a fight because she wanted to cut her hours, and in doing so would lose her health insurance. I insisted that either she keeps the minimum hours she needs to maintain health insurance or that she finds her own insurance and I will help her pay for it. She didn't think it was important, but I did. In my own selfish way, I wanted to make sure that she would have medical care when she needed it, basically to ensure that she would be be alive and healthy for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaggedRoad Posted October 30, 2009 Author Share Posted October 30, 2009 I guess it could have been selfish, but I was only concerned for her well-being and for herself alone. I don't think it ever crossed my mind that she should be healthy for me. If she was gravely ill, I would have definitely flown over to personally take care of her until she returned to health. But conversely, I rarely thought about my health affecting her. She did, but I seldom did. I can honestly say that I was being selfish in that regard. Somewhat off tangent: She lives in the UK, so it's a little different there when it comes to healthcare. It's free, but there are certain guidelines that you have to follow if you want to see a general practitioner. Link to post Share on other sites
RoMeIx Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 Either way, I would not say you were wrong for being upset with her not taking care of herself. That was your protective/nurturing side taking over. You were genuinely concerned for her health and were upset because she wasn't taking care of herself. It shows you cared for her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaggedRoad Posted October 30, 2009 Author Share Posted October 30, 2009 Thank you for your input. I feel slightly better. I have other questions, but they're the ones that only she can truly answer. Link to post Share on other sites
Thebob Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 No you shouldn't be, you told her and tried get her to do it. But she didn't listen. You tried your best man,that is all you can ask for. Thebob Link to post Share on other sites
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