Will he ever try to contact me ever again?

[dollface07]

Overview: I subscribed to LS forum because i after reviewing other threads i realized that this was a safe community to express yourself and give/get advice...especially for people with sensitive hearts after newly breaking/being broken up with!

 

Scenario: We're both 25 years old and I met him in grad school (April 2008) but we didnt pursue anything until a year later when we started seeing each other exclusively early April 2009 (relationship lasted 6 months total). We discussed expectations before the relationship began that 1. we would be exclusive (mutual idea) 2. we wouldnt project too far into the future (his idea) since he was finishing medical school and 3. letting things go naturally while keeping all options on the table (my idea) since he may do residency where i am going to do my phd.

 

We are BOTH each other's first bf/gf as we are high achievers and very goal driven...maybe nerdy you could say lol...Things were fine until two months into the relationship in June 2009 when he let his intentions slip out that in his assessment "first relationships rarely last".

 

OF course i freaked out by telling him im not some experimental girlfriend and that i had feeling for him and then he promptly attempted to preform damage control.

 

Things continued on a natural course as he tried to create an illusion of trajectory between us by keeping communication open, introducing me to his family, friends and colleagues etc. UNTIL again on 21st sept when he FREAKED out from my loving text messages after 6 months together!!! he ignored my messages for 1 whole day and said that he got scared from me telling him such affectionate things! so i told him the follwing:

"If any of my text messages freak you out causing an emotional withdrawal episode as an indirect punishment for my expressing myself to the man that i truly and deeply love, well then all of this is not going the way it's supposed to be going after 6 months."

 

So that was my cue to being the initial step of emotionally withdrawing myself from the relationship that it became clear he never had any intention of ever growing closer with me and sadly i feel that i was just a "time pass" for him. simply.

 

He wants to experience things he missed out on in medical school so he keeps himself emotional void from me and he cant promise me that he is willing to try to work on his issues. YES HE WANTS ME TO BE EXCLUSIVE AND ATTEMPTS TO ASK ME TO HAVE A PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM!!!

 

i told him if we are at the level that we can be engaged then a physical/intimate relationship would be okay otherwise i wouldnt be respecting myself to give myself fully to a man without him having any accountability or TRUE concern for me.

 

but we cant get to that level unless he stops being emotionally void. he doenst want a relationship that extends longer than ONE YEAR!!!

(which I am trying to force myself to both accept and understand. I

have reconciled it like this: he doesn’t want to add another

commitment/pressure/responsibility onto his other life pressures from

medicine) despite that I was not in any form or fashion pressuring him

AT ALL!!!! he lied from the beginning! WHY DID HE LIE TO ME IN APRIL AND ATTEMPT TO BUILD SOMETHING WITH ME BASED ON A LIE?!?!?

 

A week ago:

 

After 3 weeks of me emotionally withdrawing myself as a result of HIM PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVELY FORCING ME TO TELL HIM THE FOLLOWING:

 

"i will release you from my life, get all the experiences you need to feel complete"

 

we saw each other in person and talked for 3 hours.

 

i got him to admit to me…even though he resisted for hours to admit

the following:

 

1. he doesnt love me. (this was hard for him but I told him why is it

so hard to articulate the cold hard truth that his actions have

already conveyed) but I needed to hear it in order to give me strength

with his verbal confirmation strength to never get back together with

someone who has told me to my face that he doesn’t "love love me" he

coudlnt even look at me in my eyes when he said it. but that he cant say for sure that he will "never ever love me in the future" (is he trying to keep his options open with me???)

 

I was only asking that he let the relationship progress naturally and

not pressure me for sex in any form or fashion until the point that we

are engaged (if the relationship even got to that point) I also asked

him NOT to set time limits or emotionally withdraw when both of us

start connecting and growing deeper together. HE IS AN IMMATURE FREAK

WITH ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT FROM ALL HIS YEARS OF MEDICAL SCHOOL! :'(

 

2. I realize it was his conflicting feelings coupled with his possessive

jealous behavior of wanting me to be in an exclusive relationship with

only him that kept giving me a false hope and reason to hold on and

accept his disrespect.

 

3. he desperately tried to remain friends with me, tried to finally

take me out to the thai restaurant to relieve his guilt for never

following though with SO MANY of his promises that he didnt follow thorough with and also he asked to hold my hand during our 3 hours "final talk" but i rejected all of those offers as well to stay strong and not cry.

 

4. this was the hardest part: i asked him to give me NO false hope

that things could ever work between us so that i could fully let

myself feel that i am longer attached to him because I needed to hear

it verbally from his mouth that all doors for a future together are

closed. He couldn’t tell me that he wont love me in the future for

certain! What the hell...but if he coudlnt make a decision then i made one for him and left that one-sided relationship.

 

5. he was so silent and thought SO long and hard and tried to escape

from directly telling me that there was no hope in order to NOT let me

fully move on...and so that he wouldn’t lose his toy on the shelf. But

i stayed strong, and I was silent and waited as long as it would take

HOURS until he mustered up the courage to tell me the cold hard truth

directly to my face for once in the year and a half that we have known

each other.

 

6. finally he acknowledged his jealous/possessive part didn't want to

allow me to be "released from his life" but that since he realizes

that he doesnt love me (despite that he said he cant tell me

definitely that he wouldn't love me in the future) he acknowledged

that it wouldn't be right to just keep the same problems of a deep

emotional attachment on my part with only jealous/possessive emotions

on his part.

 

7. so he said "just as you released me from your life, i

release you from mine"

 

8. then i just stood up, adjusted my clothes and simply walked away

back inside the library to my friend where i immediately deleted/blocked him from facebook and msn messenger.

 

 

Please i thought i made GREAT progress over the last month mentally preparing myself to detach from him BUT now i feel that i have relapsed somehow! i thought out of sight out of mind!!!!!! i deleted anything that would trigger me to think about him phone numbers/pictures/msn/ facebook everything!

 

i thought i gained my closure by making him tell me he doesnt love me and isnt promising to work on the relationship and that he releases me! but i cant seem to let go! i wanted to use his words to keep me strong during the NC time in my life...and it's worked in the sense that nothing will make me go out of my way to call/email/message him! BUT my mind still suffers thinking if he will realize how good he had it with me and that he just didnt have any other relationship to compare it against to fully appreciate... i dont know what to do to find peace within myself im really suffering here

 

please ANY advice or words would be helpful DONT WORRY be harsh if need be even though my heart is sensitive right now and I can become tearful easily...but i AM WILLING to confront any words/advice even if it hurts a lot in order to move me past this loss of attachment and what could have been or what will be stage in my life...i want to stop suffering pain in my heart over the demise of this relationship i need some hope any hope that things will be okay somehow with or without him...will he realize and come back to me? Should I even accept him back? He was so confused in our final talk which gives me false hope that this is salvageable and that he just needs time to get his priorities straight to accept that i am really good for him

 

please help!

 

Thank you for taking the time to read all of this!

 

New NC girl sigh...

 

 

“We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.” Albert Einstein

[Tamia78]

Doll, that is ALOT to get off your mind!!! I'm glad you did. Congratulations on your 1st post!

 

I think our experiences were very similar. My ex also used passive-agressive behavior towards me and ultimately it ruined the relationship. The fact that they were both jealous/possesive says alot to me. I wonder if he ever made you feel guilty when you actually confronted him with those feelings. When I discussed with my ex why it's unhealthy to be so possesive, he made me feel very guilty that I didn't agree with his views. Like I was looking to cheat or something.

 

 

It's extremely hard to become detatched to someone you thought you loved with all your heart. In my case, my ex was the agressor. HE initiated the first "I love you" in 2 weeks of us seeing one another. Before that he was saying things like, "I really want you to fall in love with me". I was pretty much his after all that, lol. I am still struggling, like you, with feelings of "if he would just realize how good he had it" and wanting with all my heart for him to come back to me. It hurts to think of him moving on so quickly (which he probably has), but I have to keep thinking that if I want to move on. It's better to be alone than in an unhealthy relationship. I do realize that, and you need to as well. It sounds like the relationship was one-sided--very unhealthy. At least you got him to admit it.

 

In my opinion, we should NOT accept them back when they call. Like many have said here, if they really want us, they will pursue us. If we say no the first, second, third and one hundreth time...........they would keep doing anything to get us back, if that's what they truly wanted.

 

I think the best thing is time, Doll. I still feel loss and sadness (it's been 2 weeks for me, and 1 week NC), but it's not quite as strong as it was when we first broke up. I took some advice of other here and have been doing things to occupy my time. I've been on a couple of dates, took up salsa dancing, started working out more, and a few other things. It's nice to think about other things besides him.

 

We WILL make it through this. Maybe if we keep repeating it, we'll actually believe it, eh?

 

Stay strong!

 

--T

[dollface07]

Oh my gosh Tamia!!!

 

Thank you soooo much for your thoughtful reply! I showed all my girlfriends your post and they agreed with you SO much!

“I wonder if he ever made you feel guilty when you actually confronted him with those feelings He would lecture me for like 45mins until I would just agree to shut the conversation for example when he got stressed with his medical exams he would become EXTRA controlling and obsessive compulsive with me and he made me feel very guilty that I didn't agree with his views. Like if I didn’t answer his phone call twice in a row DESPITE me giving him EVERY reason to have security in my fidelity towards him! So the unwarranted cheating episodes was also characteristic of my ex as well!

 

“It's extremely hard to become detached to someone you thought you loved with all your heart.” OMG I did SO much for him his residency application essay, CV, dean letter of recommendation request etc I wanted to support him so much in his career but when I started my internship in the UN he DIDN’T EVEN ASK me on my first day how it went! He was so selfish it wasn’t until after he saw me withdrawing from him that he tried to show concern…but I felt by then it was too little too late.

I am pretty sure that he wont be able to move THAT fast b/c he’s too busy in working in the hospital all the time and he is so exhausted and sleeps when he’s not working SO it makes it harder to convince myself that he will move on quickly…BUT what I can concentrate on is exactly what you said that if I want to move on I must believe that “It's better to be alone than in an unhealthy relationship.”

 

I used to realize this way back when I was not as emotionally involved and then I forgot that was my motivation to break up with him in the first place! THANK YOU SO MUCH for reminding me about my feelings before the pain of heartache began to make me have selective memory! really thank you thank you thank you!

 

It was SO one-sided that’s true; it helps so much to have your objective opinion reconfirm this to me b/c I started to conivnece myself that I made all my girlfriends biased with my point of view so they couldnt truly discern if it was one sided or not! but it really was. it just was

 

Getting him to admit it was not easy and his confusion and reluctance made me feel he just needs time to prioritize to sort things out with me…but you’re right IF he really wants this he WILL pursue…if that's what he wants after much time now that i have withdrawn myself from his life and he begins to miss me.

 

You and I are exactly the same in our NC time! (it's been 3 weeks for me, and 1 week NC), I AM SO PROUD of you for putting one foot in front of the other to just keep moving forward with your life! Yes we must get through this we are STRONGER than to let such matters get in our life's path to happiness!

[Tamia78]

He was so selfish it wasn’t until after he saw me withdrawing from him that he tried to show concern…but I felt by then it was too little too late.

You and me both, Missy! He has kids, I don't, but I made sure that when I was there on the weekend he had his kids, the kiddos were included all the time. I felt I really got involved with them (no small feat for me being childless), and even paid for some of their meals, and really took the time to get to know them. I really miss those kids. They were awesome. I didn't want thanks for something like that, but it would've been nice if he even noticed I did that. That was one of his basic complaints about his exes--that they never paid attention to his kids. It's like he just didn't even think about all the little things I did for him. He really focused on the things he didn't like about me. I don't need a person like that in my life.

 

 

I used to realize this way back when I was not as emotionally involved and then I forgot that was my motivation to break up with him in the first place! THANK YOU SO MUCH for reminding me about my feelings before the pain of heartache began to make me have selective memory! really thank you thank you thank you!

I think it's okay for us to remember the good times we had together. We are actually on another forum together, and I had a chance to see some previous posts that we posted to one another, and had to smile because I remembered the motivation for us saying that to each other. It kinda helps to know that he does check up on me still on this mutual forum.

 

 

Getting him to admit it was not easy and his confusion and reluctance made me feel he just needs time to prioritize to sort things out with me…but you’re right IF he really wants this he WILL pursue…if that's what he wants after much time now that i have withdrawn myself from his life and he begins to miss me.

And maybe he will. I think my secret hope is that he will........but I also hope that I will have moved beyond him, and recognize that he is not to be a part of my life anymore. I'm not even sure being friends would be a good thing for us. I know I could give him advice if he wants it, but I'm not ready to hear about his relationship problems just yet, ya know?

 

Here's to making it another week of NC!

 

--T