my big issue with NC

[deadboy666]

so as you all know, ive been doing really bad with NC. i get motivated and don't talk to her for anywhere from 24-48 hours. during that time i feel allright, but questions start popping in my head that i need answered. so when i break NC, i ask her these questions and have to start all over again. i talked to her this morning to wish her a happy vacation and that i was trying to squeeze out as many things as i could. i felt good for a little while, but since then ive come up with 10 more questions that i wish i had asked her. we're supposed to meet up when she gets back (in a couple weeks) to catch up and talk, and im trying to keep NC for that time period, but it's proving to be really hard.

 

it's not that im being a hermit either. when i am around my friends and family i pretty much forget about it. i put up a front to show people that i am doing better than i really am and generally convince myself that i am doing better than i am. but then when i am by myself, it comes back and more and more questions arise. that's when i break NC. ill start off by trying to chit chat, and then asking her questions and accosting her of things. we get into a fight and dont talk for a few hours. then we apologize and start over again.

 

 

i mean... am i alone in this? i keep torturing myself, but i just can't help my impulses and wandering mind

[CaliGuy]

You can't do NC because you won't accept it's over. You're seeking answers to questions even she may not have an answer for.

 

The reason NC is good is gives you time away from her so your healing can move forward. When you stay in contact all you are doing is....

 

1. Keeping yourself on the hook longer than you should be.

2. Irritating her with a bunch of questions.

3. Digging yourself into a deeper hole that will eventually make her resent you.

 

See, staying in contact doesn't increase your chances of getting back together. It simply gives you more opportunities to screw things up even worse. It delays your healing.

 

You want answers? Make your own.

You want closure? Make your own.

 

The bottom line is you are not together and you are NOT healing. It is what it is. Accept it and leave her be. Focus on YOURSELF and not her. You are NOT going to convince her that she is wrong. Love is a feeling that can NOT be rationalized. Attraction is something that can't be rationalized. You are trying to get her to explain things that even she can't figure out herself.

 

Do you see how silly this is? What a waste of time digging through the past when your future is waiting for you. Your future Ms Right, who can't find you when you are focused on the past Ms Wrongs.

 

Cheers.

[deadboy666]

i realize that it is silly in retrospect. i know she is hurting too, but she is also moving on much faster than i am.

 

and it's not that i havent made progress. ive been doing all the things that are healthy after a breakup. ive rekindled relationships with friends and family and have been leaning on them alot. i have been hitting the gym 4-5 times a week and have lost about 20 pounds. im eating healthier too. i havent been relying on booze or "herbal remedies" really at all. yeah, ive let loose a couple times, but i knew that it was just a temporary solution. i mean, tell me if im rationalizing, but that does show progress, no?

 

monday it's been a month, and while each week has a hurdle, i get better with it. first week i was a mess and blew up her phone. 2nd week was angry. this week ive been ok, but keep blowing her up and asking her question after question.

[TaraMaiden]

Excuses.

Justifications.

Explanations.

Cut no ice whatsoever.

 

 

You either do it, or you don't.

If you do it, the pain is over quicker.

If you don't do it, you put yourself through so much pain, you feel your insides are going to pop out of your ears.

 

But it's all you.

All self-inflicted doom, gloom and despondency.

 

Follow the NC guide, and the light will begin to shine at last.

Follow your own route, and bed down for a loooong haul out of this.

And I mean - Long.

[GrayClouds]

but questions start popping in my head that i need answered. so when i break NC, i ask her these questions and have to start all over again.

 

And you should be seeing by now asking the EX question do not lead to answers, it just leads to more questions. It like trying to dig yourself out of a hole, it feels like your getting somewhere and you are...deeper in the wrong direction.

[WTRanger]

Asking her questions won't work if you do not accept her answers.

 

If you have to ask her one question, and only one question, what would it be?

[deadboy666]

if i could just ask one question, it would be a simple one that is loaded. just a simple "why?" and just see what that goes.

 

i know im trying to dig myself out of a hole, but it is because that i havent accepted this yet. i dont know when ill fully accept the fact that ill never be able to have her again. it's been a month on monday, and we were together for almost 5 years. it may take a couple more months. it may have to take the hollidays and our anniversary (februrary 15th, which is going to make v-day HORRIBLE haha) for me to completely realize it. but im finding it hard to let go.

 

 

i want to let go and rid myself of all this pain because im tired of being this down, but this is all easier said than done

[logitech]

deadboy I am almost 3 months out of a 7.5 yr relationship. Was engaged for 6 months of that.

 

We have been split for almost 3 months now and I am almost at 1 month of NC. I had a lot of contact in the first 2 months as it was all surreal to me. None of it made sense and it all seemed like it was out of the blue. Now I see that way she is acting and I wonder what triggered such a change and how I could have been so wrong for her.

 

I have my days where I sit and wonder about her. I too have so many questions I would like to ask but I recognised that I had already started going in circles. In the end I simply had to accept that it was a choice she made, and she has justified that in her mind.

 

As with most recommendations, all you can do is keep yourself busy.

 

Whenever you think of a question, write it down. Also consider writing what you think the answer would be from her.

 

I found myself writing out my feelings every time they came up.

 

In the end the only one that can heal you is you.

[Angel1111]

Then it's simple - stop telling yourself you'll go NC. Every time you break it, you break a bargain you made with yourself. I'm not a fan of NC at all and think it's only for a few circumstances. But, again, if you make a deal with yourself, you need to keep it. So, in your case, stop making that deal.

 

You're still looking for answers, something that will make you understand, and until you feel complete about that, you're not going to stop trying to talk to her. But, even without knowing anything about your history or this situation, I think I can spot one problem right away. The fact that your conversations with her become arguments tells me that you're not as interested in listening to her, as you are in trying to get her to see your perspective and to think like you do.

 

If you sincerely want answers, you have to be willing to ask the question and then shut up. You can't pass judgement or use the answers as a way to convince her of your opinion. All you do is say, "Oh, I see. I didn't know you felt that way." And if it was something you did, say, "I'm sorry I did that to you." And then...the end. Don't justify what you did or why you did it or how she made you feel or what her faults are. None of that. It's not your opinion that matters here because she's not asking you why. You're asking. You're calling. You're wanting her to come back. Stop making her feel defensive because it's just driving her away faster. Remember - ask. shut up. no judgement. apologize if appropriate. the end. This is very powerful stuff.

[deadboy666]

Then it's simple - stop telling yourself you'll go NC. Every time you break it, you break a bargain you made with yourself. I'm not a fan of NC at all and think it's only for a few circumstances. But, again, if you make a deal with yourself, you need to keep it. So, in your case, stop making that deal.

 

You're still looking for answers, something that will make you understand, and until you feel complete about that, you're not going to stop trying to talk to her. But, even without knowing anything about your history or this situation, I think I can spot one problem right away. The fact that your conversations with her become arguments tells me that you're not as interested in listening to her, as you are in trying to get her to see your perspective and to think like you do.

 

If you sincerely want answers, you have to be willing to ask the question and then shut up. You can't pass judgement or use the answers as a way to convince her of your opinion. All you do is say, "Oh, I see. I didn't know you felt that way." And if it was something you did, say, "I'm sorry I did that to you." And then...the end. Don't justify what you did or why you did it or how she made you feel or what her faults are. None of that. It's not your opinion that matters here because she's not asking you why. You're asking. You're calling. You're wanting her to come back. Stop making her feel defensive because it's just driving her away faster. Remember - ask. shut up. no judgement. apologize if appropriate. the end. This is very powerful stuff.

 

ive broken NC so many times that i dont try and force it anymore on myself. ive already broken a couple promises to not talk to her. and she isnt mad about it, because she said she anticipated me to act this way and not take it very lightly at all. at the same time, i know trying to talk to her isnt going to make things any better, and only make them worse.

 

and youre right, i do want her to see how i feel about this and get my perspective. but i also want to know what's going on in her head as well. how she's doing, what she's been doing, etc. they more turn into arguments because ill start asking her questions at innapropriate times; like when is at work or out the door and she gets angry with me and then i get angry and we get into a fight. we talked today and ended on a positive note, so im hoping i can go a little more than a couple days without talking to her.

[NSW768]

i was very similar to you the first month after my breakup. u can see some of my posts.

 

i didnt want to go NC and thought i was different because she was stil picking up her phone and answering her texts. i would wait 4 days or 7 days or 9 days or 3 days and then contact her with something light hearted. then call her or get emotional. then we would fight. she would apologize. love yous were exchanged. and i would think, well ill wait some days and do it again. shell come back.

 

eventually though you are just pushing them away more and giving yourself false hope. you making them rationalize leaving you as they see and confirm how weak you are. you are also losing a ton of self respect and preventing yourself from ever moving on at all.

 

you probably feel good after the initial contact for a hour or a day. Even if it was an argument, but then you feel ****ty eventually right? you start pinning and wondering what theyre doing? right. you stare at your phone, check you email 9 times an hour. facebook myspace msn. whatever

 

you also probably dont lie on the phone, but stretch the truth. tell her your doing great and your meeting new people. everything is dandy. bring up old jokes and funy stories.

 

dude i did it all and everyone on LS was like stop, and I was like no, were different.

 

but your not.

 

the thing is i learned is girls arent going to be persuaded with logic or anything else. their mind is made up. you wont understand it and when she tries to tell you why, and why again, you wll only be more hurt as she will stay stuff you never wanted to hear. she will tell she met someone new. would you like to find that out?

 

eventually, with me, 2 weeks ago we got into a horrible fight. and that when i said whats the point? im going NC forever , not for her, but for me because i was becoming a different person. i was tired of going back to point A everytime i contacted her. you go right back to that day when they say, "its over" everytime.

 

but nothing anyone says on here will stop you. only you can come to that point yourself. and youll come to that point i believe when you realize youve put yourself so much in the hole, she wont even pick up anymore and youll both resent each other and there is nothing left to say.

 

then NC isnt a choice but the truth because she really now does not give a **** what you do. and thats really sad. im telling you pick up with your dignity now, before you look in the mirror and say, "not only did they break my heart but they turned me into something else" and nobody likes that person, not even you. and dont do it so they will come back. DO IT FOR YOU SO YOU CAN MOVE ON.

[Limbo21]

Gotta say that's a fantastic post NSW! Everyone does think their relationship is 'different' but as you say ... It's not

 

guess we all need to learn by our own mistakes but truth be told that post was bang on the money

 

Thanks for sharing your wisdom

[deadboy666]

i was very similar to you the first month after my breakup. u can see some of my posts.

 

i didnt want to go NC and thought i was different because she was stil picking up her phone and answering her texts. i would wait 4 days or 7 days or 9 days or 3 days and then contact her with something light hearted. then call her or get emotional. then we would fight. she would apologize. love yous were exchanged. and i would think, well ill wait some days and do it again. shell come back.

 

eventually though you are just pushing them away more and giving yourself false hope. you making them rationalize leaving you as they see and confirm how weak you are. you are also losing a ton of self respect and preventing yourself from ever moving on at all.

 

you probably feel good after the initial contact for a hour or a day. Even if it was an argument, but then you feel ****ty eventually right? you start pinning and wondering what theyre doing? right. you stare at your phone, check you email 9 times an hour. facebook myspace msn. whatever

 

you also probably dont lie on the phone, but stretch the truth. tell her your doing great and your meeting new people. everything is dandy. bring up old jokes and funy stories.

 

dude i did it all and everyone on LS was like stop, and I was like no, were different.

 

but your not.

 

the thing is i learned is girls arent going to be persuaded with logic or anything else. their mind is made up. you wont understand it and when she tries to tell you why, and why again, you wll only be more hurt as she will stay stuff you never wanted to hear. she will tell she met someone new. would you like to find that out?

 

eventually, with me, 2 weeks ago we got into a horrible fight. and that when i said whats the point? im going NC forever , not for her, but for me because i was becoming a different person. i was tired of going back to point A everytime i contacted her. you go right back to that day when they say, "its over" everytime.

 

but nothing anyone says on here will stop you. only you can come to that point yourself. and youll come to that point i believe when you realize youve put yourself so much in the hole, she wont even pick up anymore and youll both resent each other and there is nothing left to say.

 

then NC isnt a choice but the truth because she really now does not give a **** what you do. and thats really sad. im telling you pick up with your dignity now, before you look in the mirror and say, "not only did they break my heart but they turned me into something else" and nobody likes that person, not even you. and dont do it so they will come back. DO IT FOR YOU SO YOU CAN MOVE ON.

 

yeah... thats what im pretty much doing. i have been putting up a front to say that im doing a lot better than i really am. then mad4e the mistake of telling her that im just putting up a front, because she is the only person i can be 100% honest without holding myself back. a family member told me that i have to hold myself back, at least for the time being because it is just making me look extremely weak and pushing her away even more.

 

 

im starting to realize that we're all the same, but i guess what makes my situation unique is that she is thinking about getting back together with an ex. an ex that was a neglectful douche to her and broke her heart before we got together. an ex that became a good friend and that i wasnt expecting at all. so when i found out, i was pretty much blindsided. i keep having all these questions for her because i still dont undeerstand how she's going back to him after everything that has happened.

 

im not over it, and even though she's doing this to me i still love her and would get back with her. weak, i know right? even though im pretty sure it would never happen, i still have this false hope. and you know what? it blows. because it's not like i read all the posts on here and listen to all my friends and family. i just can't convince MYSELF that it's over

[Nedved]

ive broken NC so many times that i dont try and force it anymore on myself. ive already broken a couple promises to not talk to her. and she isnt mad about it, because she said she anticipated me to act this way and not take it very lightly at all. at the same time, i know trying to talk to her isnt going to make things any better, and only make them worse.

 

and youre right, i do want her to see how i feel about this and get my perspective. but i also want to know what's going on in her head as well. how she's doing, what she's been doing, etc. they more turn into arguments because ill start asking her questions at innapropriate times; like when is at work or out the door and she gets angry with me and then i get angry and we get into a fight. we talked today and ended on a positive note, so im hoping i can go a little more than a couple days without talking to her.

 

Deadboy you just have to accept this relationship is over. You talked to her today and it ended on a positive note so i take it you plan to talk to her in a few days time and you'l hope it ends on another positive note and naturally your hope will build up again only most likely to be dashed and you'l be back to square one. If your gonna go NC then go NC. A little bit here and a little bit there is'nt going to improve your situation and your just making yourself look weak to her. If there is any chance you'l get her back your making a total mess of it. Your not giving your a chance to miss you because you keep breaking NC.

 

What answers do you need? Your just pestering her and do you not think if she felt the same as you feel she would tell you? She would be contacting you but thats no happening and shes moving on easliy with your help. Your helping her move on i hope you know that? She knows your gonna keep calling and chasing and shes looking at her options now. Your already in the bag. She knows she could have you again with the click of her fingers. I'm telling you this for your own good. As i said earlier your not giving her a chance to miss you. Go NC and don't tell her. Just do it. Who knows maybe she will come back sfter she sees your gone but if she dose'nt? well at least it'l help you move on deadboy!!!

Edited October 16, 2009 by Nedved

[NSW768]

im not over it, and even though she's doing this to me i still love her and would get back with her. weak, i know right? even though im pretty sure it would never happen, i still have this false hope. and you know what? it blows. because it's not like i read all the posts on here and listen to all my friends and family. i just can't convince MYSELF that it's over

this is why u have to go NC, because it forces you to get over it. somehwere in the 7-10 day mark you feel a bit better. then in the 15-20 mark you really feel good. by 30 days you will be on yer way over her. im telling you. do it asap, or you just living inside the gloom. Edited October 16, 2009 by NSW768

[Confused_Chump]

OP, I understand the impulses are difficult and it's hard to find a means to move on when you still love her. I too thought my situation was different and that I can handle being around her when she's with someone else. But in the end, all it did was cause me more pain. It took me 2 months to realize this and until you realize and accept that what you're doing will do you no good, you'll most likely keep on breaking NC.

 

I was lucky enough to be able to have a conversation with her that allowed me to find closure and I think you should start considering a means for closure yourself. I really hope that you'll soon realize the way your feeling right now is tiresome and torturous. Can you imagine yourself feeling the same way you do now for days/weeks/months/years on end? It's hard to move on when you have to many questions still, so take some time and think about what you need to do in order to get closure and then start your process of healing.

Edited October 16, 2009 by Confused_Chump

[deadboy666]

i just dont understand why i keep doing it. i know it's bad. i know it's not going to do ****, yet i keep trying to convince myself that it's different and trying to talk to her is going to make things better. i know it's just pushing her away, yet i keep doing it. and i know how all my friends felt when this happened to them and theyre telling me to just stop talking to her and get better already,but i cant.

 

she's going away for a week, so that should help me not be in contact because she wont be on the computer or readily available on her phone. she said she would contact me after she gets back to have a conversation, but who knows when that will be.

 

i feel like im having a constant fight with myself and won't admit it's over, even tho it is

[GrayClouds]

Understand she can not answer why, she to is to close to the emotions of the event and likely has not thought through it fully. Any answer she could give will be biased toward her desire to either protect you or hurt you either one wont be satisfying or honest. A break-up is not a math problem with a finite answer (unless there is abuse or such). You looking to find the answer to Pi. It is not going to happen.

 

i feel like im having a constant fight with myself and won't admit it's over, even tho it is

 

The reason is that the pain from the loss is the only thing left you have to hold on to from the relationship. Once the pain is gone then so is the relationship.

 

You are going from infecting more pain with contact to trying to ignore it:

i have been putting up a front to say that im doing a lot better than i really am.

Both actions keeps the hurt coming. When your tired of hurting you will be able to go NC.

 

That is why NC is so helpful . It allows you to admit your pain while offer action to move through it.

[deadboy666]

i AM tired of hurting though. the pain ive been in is unimaginable and has ripped me in two. do i have to go through even more pain before i finally decide it's time to really do it?

[NSW768]

first off take the pussy off the pedestal. i think that is one of the hardest thing and why us guys get so clingy. take the sexual aspect away and what do you have?

 

someone that treated like **** for the last month or 2 months and someone that does not want to be with you.

 

so take a hint and go NC. it hurts, but what are your other options? no chick in the history of the world came back because the dude whined and screamed for her to come back. its your only shot if you want to look at it that way, and its not a bad way to start NC, to make it seem like your doing it so they come back. but at some point you have to realize that its not the reason to do it at all, and youll break it if you think deep forever (its to get her back).

 

idk you just have to do it. and make up your mind your doing it. thats all. you'll get laid again. you will not die alone.

[NopeNah]

first off take the pussy off the pedestal. i think that is one of the hardest thing and why us guys get so clingy. take the sexual aspect away and what do you have?

 

someone that treated like **** for the last month or 2 months and someone that does not want to be with you.

 

so take a hint and go NC. it hurts, but what are your other options? no chick in the history of the world came back because the dude whined and screamed for her to come back. its your only shot if you want to look at it that way, and its not a bad way to start NC, to make it seem like your doing it so they come back. but at some point you have to realize that its not the reason to do it at all, and youll break it if you think deep forever (its to get her back).

 

idk you just have to do it. and make up your mind your doing it. thats all. you'll get laid again. you will not die alone.

SPOT ON! /roll credits/

[GrayClouds]

i AM tired of hurting though. the pain ive been in is unimaginable and has ripped me in two. do i have to go through even more pain before i finally decide it's time to really do it?

 

You will through the pain less longer. That and stoping the thought process everytime you start going down that sad road. Some way to do that is exercise, hang with friends, eating well, starting new hobbies and forcing yourself to think of a something else.

[Angel1111]

i just dont understand why i keep doing it. i know it's bad. i know it's not going to do ****, yet i keep trying to convince myself that it's different and trying to talk to her is going to make things better. i know it's just pushing her away, yet i keep doing it. and i know how all my friends felt when this happened to them and theyre telling me to just stop talking to her and get better already,but i cant.

 

she's going away for a week, so that should help me not be in contact because she wont be on the computer or readily available on her phone. she said she would contact me after she gets back to have a conversation, but who knows when that will be.

 

i feel like im having a constant fight with myself and won't admit it's over, even tho it is

 

It's called self-control - and you seem to have absolutely none. You need to get a grip on yourself, hon. Of course you're going to be upset but she's not the person to reach out to about it. We all know what it feels like to be so broken-hearted and we all know it's not even remotely amusing. But you will get through it. I promise. There's not a person here who will tell you otherwise. But you seem to have no controls on yourself whatsoever and I'm wondering if this had anything to do with the break-up to begin with. You see, you said that she already anticipated this. So, she already knows you're like this. That should tell you something. Hey, why not shock the hell out of her and do something she completely doesn't expect and go completely quiet. Just a thought.

[9Lives]

You can't do NC because you won't accept it's over. You're seeking answers to questions even she may not have an answer for.

 

The reason NC is good is gives you time away from her so your healing can move forward. When you stay in contact all you are doing is....

 

1. Keeping yourself on the hook longer than you should be.

2. Irritating her with a bunch of questions.

3. Digging yourself into a deeper hole that will eventually make her resent you.

 

See, staying in contact doesn't increase your chances of getting back together. It simply gives you more opportunities to screw things up even worse. It delays your healing.

 

You want answers? Make your own.

You want closure? Make your own.

 

The bottom line is you are not together and you are NOT healing. It is what it is. Accept it and leave her be. Focus on YOURSELF and not her. You are NOT going to convince her that she is wrong. Love is a feeling that can NOT be rationalized. Attraction is something that can't be rationalized. You are trying to get her to explain things that even she can't figure out herself.

 

Do you see how silly this is? What a waste of time digging through the past when your future is waiting for you. Your future Ms Right, who can't find you when you are focused on the past Ms Wrongs.

 

Cheers.

 

This message is so fabulous..thank you so much. I needed this

[AliveAndKicking]

Been there- done that- wasted a LOT of time.

 

CaliGuy really sums it up nicely. I read his posts many times, realized intellectually that he was spot-on, and then proceeded to do the samething you've been doing.

 

I wasted a LOT of time.

 

My ego/false pride told me "I can fix this". I couldn't.

 

My selfishness told me "You WANT this relationship so MAKE it happen. Again." I didn't.

 

My ego told me "I'm different- rules don't apply to me." They do.

 

___________________

 

I was a slow study. This sick dance went on for a LONG time. I got there eventually but I made things a lot harder on myself than I needed to. Like anyone else, though, i had to figure it out for myself.

 

It takes time to detach. It is hard to let go. Acceptance indeed will come if you work at it but it is tough and very painful to get there.

 

As much as 100% NC is preached here, and it IS the best general advice, sometimes we need to go back, get another beating, and get there in a less-than-direct route. I would never advise that. I went 100% NC on my next breakup and it was THE BEST way to go for me. I guess I learned a few things from the breakup I was referring to at the beginning of this post. I knew, rather than hoped, that NC was indeed the answer. Maybe that is what made the difference.

 

____________

 

If you just can't go NC then by all means go back and do it the hard way. Get theemotional beating you need to knock some snse into you and make you a believer that it is OVER. Please, though, come back here when you're done abusing yourself and get some love and support. The amazing people of LoveShack will be here for you.

 

Hang tough, be brave, and trust those who have been through this before- take the short route if possible- you deserve a break- give it to yourself. No one here has anything to gain by BSing you.

 

Best wishes.