reve Posted March 2, 2003 Share Posted March 2, 2003 This is my very first relationship and my ex and i have been together in it for 3 years. Many ups and downs in between, but i believe we managed to handle problems well as we would talk it over and try to compromise and see clearly where the problem really is coming from. We talk, we communicate. I admit i do have a bad temper but i do keep them controlled and of course i did not beat her or insult her it was more like just to show her that i'm really pissed that's all. I thought how lucky i was to have my first girlfriend whom i really want to commit myself to and plan for our future so as for us to get married and settle down though i am not her first boyfriend. Since i never had a girlfriend before i had lots to learn about how a girl feel and thinks and stuff like that and i really learned a lot and i really thought we were going wery well until we wanted to settle down. Unfortunately, 2 days ago, things immediately went downhill. When she came over my place i felt something was amiss. I questioned her but she said nothing which i felt upset and asked what really was the problem. She said she felt that for the past few months she had no more feeling towards me and suggested we break up. I was so upset and asked if there was another way to solve it and what was really bothering her. Was it me? Did i do something wrong? Or did i not do something? So i talked to her while i was in tears what was wrong and so on was it because we did not communicate enough or is it she found someone new or whatever but she just said the feeling is dead. FULL STOP. I let her go home after the talk and a day later i called her to see if she was ok and then try to see what the problem was and she insisted that its the feeling thing. In sadness i told her goodbye and well......cried my heart out. It has been hell for me. I admit i am not coping very well on this. I have never felt so helpless and hopeless in my whole life. Being heartbroken really do hurt i can finally understand that now( I started a relationship pretty late compared to my peers) as i used to pass remarks at others about its nothing to be sad about its only a girl........ I am really really...i dun know ....i want to get back up on my feet but yet i feel that its such a waste to simply let it go.............i just don't understand why do people, after loving someone for so long, suddenly no longer love the other anymore for no rhyme or reason.......there's got to be a reason but my ex just said its the feeling that's lost....how is it lost? Can someone enlighten me.....i am afraid to go into another relationship now i don't want to be hurt again and then break up because the other party lost that feeling towards me. I really need some help. And yes. We do talk about our problems. i have been crying(yes i am a man and i cry so what!! i have feelings too) for 2 days.....i keep thinking of her, the emptiness in my heart is frightening and real!!!! I really don't know how long i can remain sane......i am really scared...am really lost now.... Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted March 2, 2003 Share Posted March 2, 2003 Feelings do change. When people are young, they expect all that fireworks and passion to last forever and when it stops for one of them, that person usually goes out to seek it with another person. This pattern normally repeats itself until a person has sufficiently matured to the point where they are ready to settle down. At that time, they make a commitment to the other person to remain with them...even though that commitment is broken about half the time (in America.) In relationships that don't end like yours did, the two people evolve into a more companionate, affectionate bond that can stand the test of time. The intensity of pure romantic love, fireworks and passion, is temporary in nature for most people. The feelings can be sparked from time to time but the intensity of those first few months or years is seldom recovered. Love has a lot more to do with timing that with anything else. When you finally meet a gal and fall in love with her...and she falls in love with you...and both of you feel it's time to settle down, then that will be your partner. If you expect way too much out of the deal, you are destined for disappointment. Eventually, that person you put on a pedestal will show you they fart and belch like anybody else. They aren't saints. So your ex just arrived at that point where the passion chemicals in her brain neutralized. Of course, knowing the science of it all isn't very helpful to the person who got dumped...but you could have just as easily lost interest for her. One day, true love will be yours. But true love is based in reality. And if you want a great dose of reality, go visit of friends who have been married for a few years and now have a couple of young children. See just how much romance you find there. Screaming babies, dirty diapers, sleepless nights are not the stuff of romance novels...but they are often the next step in the march of life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author reve Posted March 2, 2003 Author Share Posted March 2, 2003 So what you are telling me is that in the beginning of the relationship the intensity and spark is high but as time goes by it lessens and lessens and finally there is only companionate & affectionate bond and not much love anymore? Then what's a relationship for when there is not much of love in it. Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted March 2, 2003 Share Posted March 2, 2003 ... but you have to be creative and adaptive to keep them fresh and alive in your life. When you start a relationship, especially when you're young & with relatively few responsibilities, you can devote a lot of time and energy to romance. Getting to know someone is intrinsically exciting, so ironically it takes relatively little to keep the fire burning steadily. You'll never get to know a person completely, just as they will never know everything there is to know about you. For one thing people are constantly changing, along with their circumstances. So it's not that you run out of things to discover in your partner ... but it may well be the case that they're not as obvious. You have to be creative and curious and attuned to the subtle changes in your life and in your partners. Most people just float along with the things they already know about -- it's easy. It's also less exciting... so no surprise that it's not as likely to stir passion. Moreover, as one's life takes more permanent shape, with more job responsibilities and personal responsibilities, one has less time & energy to devote to romance. You can only juggle so many things at once, and it's easy to feel lulled into thinking that you know where you are, and where your partner is... which is rather unexciting. Not to mention that it's a flawed assumption. I don't advocate building uncertainty into a relationship. Security and trust are very important elements for a healthy, happy love that will last. But complacency is the enemy of romance and passion. You have to keep asking questions, you have to keep alive and alert and curious about yourself and the world you're living in. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted March 2, 2003 Share Posted March 2, 2003 YOU ASK: "Then what's a relationship for when there is not much of love in it." Go here: http://www.columbia.edu/~gm84/gibran2.html and read what Gibran had to say about love. His prose may start toward a rudimentary understanding of this mystical topic. There's nothing simple about love and relationships. As midori has set forth so eloquently (as she always does), "You have to keep asking questions, you have to keep alive and alert and curious about yourself and the world you're living in." Love isn't just passion and cloud nine stuff. That's just a very tiny part of it. Love is everything we see, breath, all the people we know, all the life we live. You can have romance without having a hard on 24/7. Having a nice companion you can trust to be there for you is far more gratifying in the longrun than having a Saturday night date topped off with anticipated sex. Just be patient. You'll understand all this one day. Meanwhile, have no expectations of love one way or the other. Just love without any demands or expectations of it. Follow the law of love as Gibran set forth in the link I provided you. And, while I'm at it, you should get his entire book..."The Prophet." It's a wonderful classic that will give you much joy and understanding of life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author reve Posted March 2, 2003 Author Share Posted March 2, 2003 So am i right to say that the relationship becomes stagnent when either one of the partiestake the other for granted? Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted March 3, 2003 Share Posted March 3, 2003 YOU ASK: "So am i right to say that the relationship becomes stagnent when either one of the parties take the other for granted?: Well, not necessarily stagnant, but that's when hostility, anger and hurt on the part of the neglected party begins to grow. Females are usually the ones who get taken for granted. They usually express their anger and discontent but the male either doesn't listen, doesn't take note, does nothing about it or doesn't think there's anything serious going on. Over a period of time, while the guy thinks all is hunky dorey, the female is disbonding, getting over the hurt, and when she's finally ready to leave she's over the whole thing....but the man is left in shock. It's human nature to take things for granted. But in relationships, you have to fight that urge like nothing else or you will end up losing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author reve Posted March 3, 2003 Author Share Posted March 3, 2003 How do one prevent oneself from taking each other for granted? Link to post Share on other sites
Author reve Posted March 3, 2003 Author Share Posted March 3, 2003 Anyway, need some advice. If she tells me we can still be friends and if in future we can be together again we will be so my question is, so far until now we still contact each other ask how is each other's day and stuff so what is the chance of a back together? I mean i still truly have feelings for her.........i feel that we still have a chance.....or is she not worth my time anymore to wait for her.......but of course if she feels she found a better man so be it......i'd just wait as long as i can.....or am i foolish.....stupid....immature......i really don't know.....maybe its false hope...maybe its something....but hope is all i can look forward to now..... I mean when i love someone i go all the way.....i give my everything...i put in effort but not too much of course.....so when i say i love u i mean it and do it with sincerity.....its just that life without is like a void....and i can only find a way of filling that void by hoping we can be together again.....even if we remain friends until the day she gets married.... Link to post Share on other sites
smg266 Posted May 2, 2003 Share Posted May 2, 2003 hey! my bf and i were together 3yrs. we're both in college, i'm a freshman and he's a junior. we've always been so in love. he's been going thru a lot of changes and has been confused with life now tho. we broke up in march and then got back together in april and now we're broken up again. both break ups he told me that he doesn't love me the same way. but in april he was so in love with me. we were so happy. he says he doesn' thave those feelings right now tho. i love him so so so much and i want to be with him so badly in the future cause we've always been happy. i think he knows that too. but i realize we need a break cause we're young and need time to grow. i'm' just afraid i'll never get him back. i can't handle thinking about never having him again. i know how you feel! just hang in there. i'm trying my hardest to stay cool and looking for reasons to be happy and why he and i need time apart. life is tough! i understand how you feel.... Link to post Share on other sites
Spacer Posted May 29, 2003 Share Posted May 29, 2003 Originally posted by Tony Feelings do change. When people are young, they expect all that fireworks and passion to last forever and when it stops for one of them, that person usually goes out to seek it with another person. ....And if you want a great dose of reality, go visit of friends who have been married for a few years and now have a couple of young children. See just how much romance you find there. Screaming babies, dirty diapers, sleepless nights are not the stuff of romance novels...but they are often the next step in the march of life. The last part might indeed be relevant; being the "perpetrator" of just leaving my b/f after 7yrs in - what we both and everyone else thought to be - a rock-solid relationship, I have to admit that my feelings towards my b/f changed too - I still care deeply about my b/f, always considered him my best friend - but realized, that for a relationship, this is not working anymore (and no, he hasn't DONE anything specifically wrong, either - I just feel I changed where he didn't). And I am thinking a common goal would have maybe made the difference, something both partners can focus on, working together towards it - kids might be just one of these things, a joint longterm venture or business might just as well. In our case, we ended up not really sharing much of our interests - different work, different hobbies really - only because everything had been so harmonious for so long, the cracks didn't show up sooner, I guess. A perfect friendship (if both sides would look at it that way), but tbh, I do ask a little bit more in a relationship, and priority and attention are two things that matter more than I would have thought previously ... - but hey, maybe I am not yet "mature" enough, myself Link to post Share on other sites
Spacer Posted May 29, 2003 Share Posted May 29, 2003 Originally posted by Tony ... Females are usually the ones who get taken for granted. They usually express their anger and discontent but the male either doesn't listen, doesn't take note, does nothing about it or doesn't think there's anything serious going on. Over a period of time, while the guy thinks all is hunky dorey, the female is disbonding, getting over the hurt, and when she's finally ready to leave she's over the whole thing....but the man is left in shock. .... Lol - missed that bit first time reading ... - and yes, I guess this does sort of sum it up, really. Totally guilty of that, although, in all honesty, don't believe that women are alway that conscious about it, rather putting a blind eye to things and trying to supress any discontent is also part of the deal ... - and this discontent to surface takes normally ages (well, for me it did). I hate hurting ppl, and to be honest, breaking up is not that easy to do really, so my personal learning really is to maybe start rocking the boat a bit sooner next time round ... Link to post Share on other sites
cobra25 Posted June 13, 2003 Share Posted June 13, 2003 Ok my suggestion Take one day at a time I know it hurts like hell You will never stop loving her but You cant change the way other people feel even though you wish you could You should sit down and talk to her ask her If she thinks time will make her see that see does love you or if she fell out of love If she says she need time GIVE IT TO HER i say that really strong cause i messed up with my ex cause i didnt give her time Not every situation is the same byt and NEVER think that the time you had was a waste Dont be upset that its over be happy it happened You will carry those memories with you forever Trust me when i say It will get easier over time It will never go away but it will get easier Link to post Share on other sites
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