Getting over her Ex

[hopeful]

A gal friend of mine has been on the break with her ex for almost a year, and she can't seem to pick up the pieces. Recently she opened up to me, and I hope someone can offer some good advice.

 

She was with her ex for almost 2 years, and during that time, she went through 2-3 abortions. Now, the breakup wasn't because of the abortion, but events that followed. Anyhow, she thought she had found true love in him.

 

Lately, I just found out from a friend, that this guy's prior gf also had an abortion. Now, I have been instructed to keep this a secret, but i'm quite at a loss, cos if the truth isn't revealed, my friend may never get over him. She was willing to go through several abortions for him. But this guy is obviously some jerk, who treats lives like sh**. I just can't believe a guy in his early 20s would do this to someone! AND, she dares to say this is true love? I mean, she really needs help. This guy obviously had 2 great years of sex, and kinda had enough.

 

What can I do, or should I do? I am not suppose to know so much of this information, with various friends entrusting me with these secrets, so I'm a little dilemma here.... Or should I just ask her out, and trash this whole issue out? Will it be too much for her to take?

[Tony T]

You need to mind your own business and stay out of this mess...or you will certainly regret it.

 

Assuming you are male, just be this lady's friend and stay out of her affairs unless she asks you for advice. Whether or not her ex's ex had an abortion is not important at all. Your lady friend obviously has no problems with abortions.

 

You also need to always keep confidences. If you start spouting off stuff people have told you to keep to yourself, it will come back to haunt you. Nobody likes somebody who betrays confidences.

 

It's not your job to get her pissed at her ex. It's simply not your job to get involved at all.

 

If you are male and you are looking forward to dating this lady, you've picked a very poor time to make your move. Right now, it seems she's still going through a lot of emotional stuff and she needs her space.

 

Learn a little finese, use some good judgement, and let your relationship evolve over time. Meanwhile, stay out of her domestic BS.

[midori]

1. Unplanned pregnancies/abortions are not the sole responsibility of either party. I don't really see what the guy's prior gf's abortion has to do with the fact that your friend had some abortions while she was with him, except that apparently he is not cautious about birth control AND he gravitates toward women who are equally irresponsible. Either party can take precautions, and either party can, at any time, say "not tonight honey cos we don't have a condom." He didn't inflict an unplanned pregnancy on her any more than she inflicted one on him. It takes two to tango, and if neither of them had foresight or control, they are equally to blame.

 

Moreover, if the abortions were so troubling to your friend, I should think that the first one would have been a wake-up call to her to take the precautions she failed to the first time around. Once, OK, a bit stupid on her part but it happens. More than once makes me wonder if she's playing with a full deck of cards.

 

2. If she's not over her ex, getting involved with her is probably not going to make you very happy.

 

It's great to be sympathetic and non-judgmental about your friend, but don't just throw your analytical abilities out the window so that you can be a blindly gung-ho supporter -- especially if you're attracted to her. You can still be supportive even if you recognize that her problems are, at the end of the day, of her own creation. In fact, if you are able to remain somewhat objective, your support will be more valuable.

[hopeful]

Really appreciate your comments. I am male, and treat her as a very good friend, as she was there for me when I needed help. As to whether or not we will progress to a relationship is really not of primary concern.

 

The thing is, throughout the 2 years with him, she has achieved practically NOTHING in her own life. No sense of going forward, just stuck blindly in love or whatever. And I am rather pissed, cos I know she could reach college, or even do a degree if she wanted, but no.....

 

All this coupled with the issues before simply makes me sad, as to the years she wasted, and pain she had to go through.

 

I do agree that in unwanted pregnacies, it takes two to tango. But for this guy to go through it with 2 diff girls??? What's up with him?

 

Anyhow, they have now broken up for over a year, but I feel they still sleep together occassionally, which doesn't help matters at all!

 

Anything else I could do? I hate to see a friend going on the wrong path, when a bright future awaits.

[Tony T]

You seem to be intent on violating other people's lives. Just because someone is your friend and you care for them doesn't mean you have the right to run their lives.

 

If she asks you for help, by all means give it. But giving unsolicited advice or help in these sorts of things will always end in pain for YOU.

 

Just enjoy her friendship and step into her personal life when asked.

 

I sort of sense there is more of an interest in her on your part than just being a friend. If that's the case, it is even more important for you to back off and let her sort out her own life. You do have other things to do with your time, I hope?

 

I can tell you from experience, being so nice you want to make other people's personal problems your own will almost always end with negative results. But, then again, this may be something you will have to learn despite the advice you get here.

[midori]

I agree with the above.

 

In order for a person's future to be bright, they have to see it themselves. You can't make them see it. If she's "stuck" in a fruitless love that absorbs all of her energy, that's something she'll need to figure out and straighten out herself. She's not going to see patterns in her life just because you can see them.

 

Her ex boyfriend has nothing to do with this, and certainly nothing to do with you. The fact that you even bring him up makes me wonder if you have identified him as the cause of her bad decisions. Which is just not possible: she's the one making them. Maybe he's a symptom of her bad decisions .. or maybe there are things there that you just don't know about.

 

Remember, she gives you what is undoubtedly a very one-sided picture of what happens between them. Her goal may be to get sympathy from you... but that doesn't mean you should buy her story wholesale, without considering that she plays an active role in all of their exchanges.

 

At the end of the day, they're her choices, her consequences. Not yours.

 

You might ask why she allows herself to get wrapped up in a bad relationship, and to make bad decisions ... but why are you allowing yourself to get wrapped up in her life?

[hopeful]

Thanks for the comments. It did make me think things over.

 

I do have a liking for this gal, having known her for sometime. And after reading the opinions posted here, I have decided to leave matters of the heart out of our discussion.

 

The thing that irks me now is.... I'm trying to get her enroled into college in our state, and into the course she desires. All I hope to achieve is that she obtains some basic qualification to move on in life. But she just seems resign to fate, not willing to even take the first step, and even mentioned that I will be sorely disappointed.

 

Her relationship problems is one issue, and I will not even discuss it now. But how do i motivate or get her off her feet? I made some mistakes in my past, and I hate to seem them repeated to a friend. There was no one to assist me then when making choices in life, so I just hope to help her in anyway possible.

 

It just never occured to me, that a mid-20 yr old, could react in this fashion, being totally obessed with love and spoilt for the last few years. Here's someone willing to go out of his way, showing support etc, only to get back-fired. I can sort of understand if is she's hitting puberty...not a mid-20 yr old...

 

Now, I'm thinking if I should just back off, and simply stay out of life, and maintain only the bare minimum contact with her? Or just I help her go through with the enrolment, and leave her to her accord, whether it is down the drain or to a brigther future?