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Anyone ended friendship with ex who knows you better than anyone?


Ruby Slippers

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Ruby Slippers

About a month ago, I told my ex from a few years back that I wanted no contact for the time being. He and I had the closest bond I've had with anyone so far, and he knew me better than anyone. I could always call him, at any time day or night, and he could always make me feel better, no matter what was going on. He said the same was true for him, too.

 

I'm in the middle of a single year, and I felt it was important for me to let go of that relationship, even on the friendship level, to TRULY move on from it. I still miss him. I sometimes think a part of me always will.

 

Since cutting off contact, I have really, really missed him. I have my girlfriends and all, and I can really talk to them, but, like I said, no one has ever known or understood me better than this guy. Just talking to him brings me this profound peace. It always has. I think I didn't really deal with that breakup when it happened (got into the next relationship really fast), so now I feel like I'm dealing with two breakups at once.

 

Has anyone been in this situation? Any advice on letting it go? It's really getting to me. Lately, I have to fight calling him every day. Bleh.

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It sounds like he still wants you, and it's cruel of you to keep stringing him along. You probably feel like you aren't, but as long as you're calling him and relying on him emotionally he still feels like there's a chance, and it's probably preventing him from moving on, hence why he hasn't been dating. If it's messing him up and stopping him from finding another relationship, you need to let him go - it's selfish to hang into him because you need him. My ex was my best friend, but in dumping him I gave up all rights to rely on him emotionally, and even though I missed his friendship I tried to back off in order to make it easier for him to get over me. Are you sure you don't want to be with your ex? If you're fighting calling him, if you miss him so much, is there a chance you might want him back?

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Ruby, You use to date this guy, then broke up, why? You love him, he loves you, you mean to say that two intelligent friends couldn't work something out? It sounds pretty cavalier to me, I don't think I could turn my back on my best friend like that. But that's just me. True friendship is SO RARE. I think that what you are doing is very short-sighted. There might come a time when you will need ALL the friends you can get. Or are you counting on him being there for you, even after you sent him packing? That would only prove that he was a better friend to you than you were to him.

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Ruby Slippers

I was always the one who tried to limit the contact, even on a friendly level, and he pushed for the friendship to continue. I did cut things off a month ago, and he accepted it. I have had no contact with him since.

 

I don't want to be with him. But it was a devastating loss, the worst of my life. I really thought he was it. It's not easy to get over something like that, but I am trying. Hence this thread.

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Who broke up with who? Did you dump him, and he's chasing after you and living in hope of a reunion? Why are you so devastated if you're the one who did the dumping? Or did he dump you and then selfishly try to hold onto you instead of just letting you move on?

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Ruby Slippers
Ruby, You use to date this guy, then broke up, why? You love him, he loves you, you mean to say that two intelligent friends couldn't work something out? It sounds pretty cavalier to me, I don't think I could turn my back on my best friend like that.

His family is a bit nuts, especially his oldest brother. Since my ex and I were serious, they saw me as a threat. They were very controlling of my ex, and they reacted badly to anything he did to stand up to them. This all culminated with his oldest brother calling our house and threatening me, telling me I didn't belong in the family.

 

My ex did not defend me at first. It took him some time to stand up to his family. I felt physically threatened by this guy. My ex also repeatedly lied to me about situations with the family, so that destroyed the trust. We went to counseling over it, and he had numerous chances to step up, but he never really did.

 

Or are you counting on him being there for you, even after you sent him packing? That would only prove that he was a better friend to you than you were to him.

I am not counting on that. I am trying to do what is best for both of us. I think he should move on, as I have. I don't think it's fair to assume anyone is a better anything. I always stood up for him and our relationship, and I never once lied to him.

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Ruby Slippers
Who broke up with who? Did you dump him, and he's chasing after you and living in hope of a reunion? Why are you so devastated if you're the one who did the dumping? Or did he dump you and then selfishly try to hold onto you instead of just letting you move on?

I left him. He said that he does not have any designs on me, though I wonder if that is true deep down. I am not devastated now -- I think I'm just finally REALLY letting go, and it's painful and sad.

 

I guess it's really the same stuff you do for any breakup. It's just really been on my mind and bringing me down, so I thought it might help to talk about it here.

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It sounds to me like he still wants you, and he's pushing to continue the friendship in hopes of getting back together - hence why he's not dating. But I still don't get why you're so devastated if you dumped him? You made the decision to finish with him, so you obviously felt that the relationship was over and you didn't want him. So if you don't want him, why do you feel the need to call him all the time? Are you sure you don't still love him and want to be with him?

 

You need to make a decision and stick to it: either tell the poor guy there's no chance of a reunion and cut contact, or give it another go. He's probably pushing to continue the friendship because he wants you back, so if there's no hope of that happening you need to be firm and stop getting his hopes up by constantly calling him.

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Hi Ruby Slippers...

 

Yeah, it's like losing your very best friend.

 

It's a huge loss.

 

Like a big part of you is now no longer there.

 

And you wonder how you can even carry on.

 

You miss him like crazy.

 

Everyone on here will tell you N/C...and I couldn't agree more in your case.

 

It's only been a month, you will feel better in time.

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Excuse my lack of sympathy, but allow me to point out that it is probably more difficult for him. You rejected him as a lover AND as a friend. My sympathies are with him. You made these decisions, live with them.

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Ruby Slippers

Jeez, go right ahead and rip me a new one.

 

era, thanks for your understanding.

 

To Ellie and jack, I think you're being judgmental and harsh. You have no idea what has really gone on and how hard I have tried to do the right thing. Did you miss the part, Jack, about his brother's threats and his lying?

 

I tried to be friends with him because I didn't want to just toss him away, in spite of all that. He reassured me several times that he was not trying to win me back. He knew I was in a new relationship and never had a bad word to say about the guy or tried to interfere. I always encouraged him to date again. And I RARELY called him. 95% of the time, it was him contacting me.

 

But over time, I realized that he was using subtle manipulation tactics to try to keep me emotionally invested. I don't even know if he intended to, but it was happening.

 

As for being hurt after breaking up with someone... even if you KNOW it's not working, and you've been lied to and the trust has been broken, it is still very painful to make the decision to let go of someone you love so much.

 

If you can't understand that, that's fine. It's hurtful, though, that you're coming down so hard on me and assuming the worst about me.

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Ruby, I'm sorry if you think I'm coming down on you. I'm just trying to get you to feel what he must be feeling now. Yes, I read about the family and even though he didn't at first, he eventually stood up for you, against his brother and other family members. This shows that he was trying and has SOME courage. But, in the end, didn't you dump him? Didn't you reject him even as a friend? What did this guy DO that was so wrong? He defended you, and when the relationship was over, he stood by your choice of a new lover, (without saying anything), Jeez, What a bastard!! It's interesting that you use the phrase" toss him away", isn't that what you've done? I really don't see where you have tried to look at this situation from his perspective. If I'm "harsh" then I'm not the only one.

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Ruby Slippers

I think that your summation of the situation is really one-sided. I could explain the whole backstory, but there's too much to tell.

 

Nevermind. I'll find other ways to cope.

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Ruby, If there is more info, that you haven't mentioned in your post, and you would like me to know, then Pm me with it. if I'm wrong, I'll apologize, I've done it before and I can do it again. There's always two sides to every story, it's just a shame we can't hear his side. Maybe I'm not as tough as you, or maybe because I'm older, but I couldn't "**** can", my best friend.

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Flying Burrito

Ruby, I've been there so I understand your pain. Pay no attention to the people without imaginations. Even if you're just friends now, even if its your choice, its still a loss.

 

I have no way to quantify what it is I miss about my ex. I just think about Amy at funny times. Like, something said here yesterday reminded me how Amy ate junk all the time, for instance, chocolate brownies or potato-chip-peanutbutter sandwiches for breakfast.

 

I wind up missing small things, like I think, Amy would get a kick out of reading that article, or I wonder if Amy saw that movie too... its less and less though.

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I'm sorry if you think I'm being harsh Ruby, I'm just pointing out that this guy is clearly pursuing a friendship because he's still stuck on you, and you're allowing it to happen even though it isn't good for him. He isn't dating, he's still chasing you and wanting to be friends, because he's living in hope - and you're allowing him to live in hope by not putting your foot down and insisting on no contact. It's tough love, but if he can't make the break and move on with his life you have to do it for him - even if you miss him, if you truly don't want a relationship with him then you need to make him move on for his own good, by insisting on no contact.

 

It sounds like your breakup was more to do with circumstances and other people's behaviour than it was to do with any problems between the two of you. It seems that you still love him and miss him (hence why you're allowing him to continue chasing you, and why you have this urge to call him all the time) and he obviously still wants you - can't you give it another try? (preferably in a place far away from his family) If you miss him, and he loves you, this would seem like a sensible option.

 

He's an adult but his family are still trying to spoil everything for him, and the poor guy was stuck in the crossfire between you and them - he didn't want to hurt them but he didn't want to hurt you either, and in trying to keep everyone happy he's ended up losing the girl he loved - I can't help but feel sorry for him because none of this was his fault.

 

In the end it comes down to this: if you love him and miss him, ask him if you can try again. If you definitely don't want a relationship with him, insist on no contact for his own good, no matter how much you miss his friendship.

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Ruby Slippers

Thanks, Ellie.

 

I did break off contact with him a month ago.

 

I have considered trying again with him, but I think the family mess is too much for him to handle. I don't think they would ever give us any peace. He pretty much admits this. His dad died when he was young, and it really messed up the family. They are still in so much pain and so irrational that it's almost impossible to deal with them. I tried so hard to be friends with them and be a part of their lives and let them into ours, but nothing I did was ever enough. Their sense of normal, healthy boundaries is warped.

 

And Jack, I got your PM. My e-mail to him was very gentle, and it said I thought it was best for us not to have contact at this time. I didn't burn any bridges or do anything dramatic. Here are some excerpts from that e-mail:

 

While I have appreciated your friendship, which I believe you have extended with good intentions, I think that in some way it represents a safety net I need to let go of so I can move forward.

 

You have possibly known and understood me better than anyone I have known in my life so far. As long as I hold on to the comfort and safety of that (and I can’t help doing it), I think I will be holding myself back from finding real and lasting love. I owe it to myself to do everything I can to find that. We all do.

 

So, I am asking you not to contact me for now. No phone calls or e-mails, no birthday or holiday presents or cards. Maybe in time we can be friends again, but not now.

 

I hope you understand.

 

He said he understands completely, respects my decision, and will always be there if I want to be in contact again. He also said:

 

No one has done as much to improve my life or bring happiness to me as you have, and you will always have a special place in my heart. I hope that in some way I have made your life better as well.

 

The whole situation felt very tragic to me. I have never cried harder or felt more pain than I did when I realized I couldn't stay in that threatening and hostile environment and would have to go. And him not standing up for me, after all we'd been through -- that was heartbreaking. If ANYONE had threatened him in any way, I would have put myself in between them and defended him to my death. I know that sounds dramatic, but it's true. I couldn't believe my guy wouldn't do the same for me.

 

All my friends, my counselors (I talked to THREE different ones to try to ensure I was making the right decision), everyone agreed I had exhausted every other option.

 

So, that's the deal. Now I have to let go of the last threads that were keeping me tied to him in some way. I feel that this is the right thing to do. I just have to get through it.

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never do it read my last post its what happens it hurts so bad and now she runnin around ok and im left in the dust hirting...someone will get hurt in the end... i need some help as well folks please read its kinda the same situation except im on the other side i still dont feel better

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t183681/

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Ruby, I think you were judged unnecessarily harshly in this thread. I can't offer much advice but I think I would have done the same had I been in your position and I can empathize with the pain you are going through now. I hope you will feel better about all of this soon.

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Gosh, it just seems so sad that you miss him and want to call him, and it sounds like he misses you, but you just can't work it out because of his family. May I ask why they don't like you Ruby? It seems entirely unreasonable for them to expect the poor guy not to date - I'm guessing they would be like this with anyone he dated, and he can't be alone forever. I understand it must be difficult for him because he loves his family, but he's going to have to stand up to them sooner or later if he ever wants to have a relationship... it's a shame he couldn't bring himself to do it sooner...

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Ruby Slippers

Thanks, stef.

 

Ellie, basically, they wanted to be included in everything we did and did not seem to respect our desire for privacy and normal boundaries. His brother said, "If I don't see you every day, you're no longer a brother to me." :eek: If we told them we went out to a new restaurant over the weekend, they'd say, "Oh, it would have been nice if we could have come with you." :lmao:

 

If I did not go see them with him every time, they told him I must not like them. His brother got mad when we asked him to stop calling us repeatedly early on Saturday morning, to wait till noon or later, as we liked to stay up late on Friday and sleep in Saturday. His mom asked if she could drop by to see our new plants one evening, and I said, "Sure", and told her we were just finishing up cooking dinner. Then she said, "Oh, we'll do it another night, then." I said it was totally fine for her to come over, but she said again we'd do it another night. My boyfriend overheard everything I said. She later lied and told him that I said she could not come over! :mad:

 

They loved to just pop in unannounced, but we did not love this. Sometimes you're, um, occupied. So we asked them to please call before just showing up. They said, "That's not what families do." :rolleyes:

 

It goes on and on. I won't even get into the verbal lashings they gave him every time he took my side on anything. His mother told him she was developing an ulcer and it was his fault. When he talked about us potentially moving to another city, she broke down into a crying fit and said she was going to end up alone. :o

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never do it read my last post its what happens it hurts so bad and now she runnin around ok and im left in the dust hirting...someone will get hurt in the end... i need some help as well folks please read its kinda the same situation except im on the other side i still dont feel better

 

[COLOR=#660000][COLOR=#660000]http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t183681/[/COLOR][/COLOR]

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I see :( So I guess you ended the relationship despite still being in love with him, because you felt you couldn't put up with his family? How terribly sad for both of you :(

 

Are his family still as bad as they were before? Is it possible that he might handle the situation better if you tried again? Or is it definitely over?

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Ruby Slippers
I see :( So I guess you ended the relationship despite still being in love with him, because you felt you couldn't put up with his family? How terribly sad for both of you :(

Yeah. It wasn't even that I couldn't put up with them -- it's that I couldn't handle his inability to handle them properly, and, eventually, to defend our relationship against their attacks and then his brother's outright threats. I was very patient. All this went on for a loooong time. But that menacing phone call from his brother, and his lack of appropriate reaction, was the final straw for me.

Are his family still as bad as they were before? Is it possible that he might handle the situation better if you tried again? Or is it definitely over?
He says they are nowhere near as controlling now that the perceived "threat" (me) is gone. I don't know what they were afraid of. Probably that we would move away and never see them. I have lived all over the world, and I think they found that very threatening. Even my talking about experiences in other countries seemed to make them very uncomfortable. I am pretty sure they would turn all crazy again if I were back in the picture. He even said it would probably never work, due to "circumstances". I think it's best left as water under the bridge at this point.
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Ruby, I am in no way questioning your sincerity, nor the emotional "withdrawal", you are experiencing. I also am not questioning your honesty with him. I do however, think that you are somewhat self-absorbed. I fear that one day you will stop and realize that in your quest for fulfillment, you will have lost sight of the "better angels," of your nature. To abandon a friend is a hard, cruel thing, be careful that it doesn't make you a hard, cruel person. Best Wishes

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