man i am tired

[BackonTrack]

man, i am tired.

the ex is not coming back

i'm over it.

 

dunno why i am posting

maybe because i don't have any intimate friends to share my thoughts with.

no one to be open with.

 

it gets lonely being alone.

wish i had that special someone by my side.

 

i use to miss having sex with the ex but now

i miss having someone to talk too.

 

i took my ex for granted in allot of ways

she ended up cheating on me n leaving.

destroyed me for a while

about 7 months.

 

if i knew things would turn out like this, maybe i would of made more of an effort.

 

by the time i was ready to commit, i had everything all plan out but it was to late.

 

not saying thats my fault or anything just, man i had everything all planned out.

 

woke up about last month from the fog.

 

no one is around

no one to get personal with.

she's not even in my head anymore

i don't even have that.

 

blew allot of possibly relationships, trying to force one.

no more females in the queue.

 

i am in a drought.

hopefully it will start to rain soon.

 

i'm tired. need rest. need a kiss, need a hug.

 

my friend kissed me on the next the other day, it felt so good.

i hadn't felt that feeling in a long time.

 

brought back allot of memories of happy times.

 

i miss those days.

 

what did the ex tell me?

"men are so stupid, they never know what they have until its gone. Its to late!, its to late!, its to late!"

 

she hated me. moved on but stayed n still loved me.

confusing girl.

 

i suppose she's not confused anymore, must be happy too

no word in 7 months.

[Ronni_W]

Hugs, BoT. I hear ya!

[EmperorR]

that's the thing I miss re most jury the personal conversations gah

[BackonTrack]

went almost whole day without thinking about the ex

i think i'm over it.

don't even have anything to say

don't even feel like calling her a whore anymore

 

wow, she had been cheating on me for about 8 months, thats about the time i been NC....

 

explains why she was so far gone mentality, i wasn't even in her life, i didn't even notice.

 

i think i don't care anymore, i think i'm really at the indifference stage

took my father to knock some sense into me to get over it completely

 

i was messed up for so long, but now i'm better and its almost like she never existed. strange how life works.. won't remember her in another 2-3 months.

 

thats crazy, i really loved that girl

[CherishG]

*hugs*

BackonTrack,

your first post was beautifully said, almost poetic. LOVE IT!

hope you have more sunshiny days coming soon, Good Luck!!!

[dannydrifter]

Dude hang in there. Same sort of thing happened with me and my wife. No matter what, she did wrong by cheating. There's no excuse for that. You may have taken her for granted, but she is the s-h**tier person for having walked out on you and the relationship in this manner.

 

It takes an especially low life person with zero morals to be capable to do something like this. So rest well knowing that this woman is out of your life, and believe me she will one day experience the same pain you went through and worse. Someone will do to her what she did to you... life works in strange ways like that.

[alwayssme]

i keep hearing so many break-up stories.. we're all hurt in our own ways

i love your post by the way...i hope i don't hurt like this in 7 months, these have been the worst two months of my life so far and i would do anything to NOT feel like this

[BackonTrack2]

You know, since I'm healed and past the hurt now and able to think with a clear head, I think I understand what happen from her point of view.

 

My ex cheated on me twice, the first time I did not care, had no feelings for her or intentions of staying with her, I just wanted sex. We were together about 8 months by this point.

 

The second time it happen, she was changing, becoming another person, breaking free from the box I had placed her in, she was becoming who she was, a scandalous female. She stop sharing herself with me, began sharing it with another, used me for comfort and support while her new relationship was growing. The cheating greatly upsetted me, hurt me, bruised my ego but didn't break me.

 

Her telling me to **** off and we have no future then going nc for, well forever is really what broke me. Broke me to the point where I went mad and drove by her house, my mind was severly messed up. Maybe I am over-stating things but as I was surfing the web, it dawned on me. Came to me like a hot-flash.

 

My ex never knew I loved her, if I am to be honest with myself and based on or last encounters, she honestly didn't know I had such intense feelings toward her. How she could not have known is beyond me. Somehow in th eprocess of me not communicating, she began to resent me, hate me all the while she was preforming sexual acts on another, it just kept building and building and building, it was inetiviable for her to have sex with this OM, I allowed it, never thought she would do it, I thoght she knew better and she did but she just didn't care anymore, said **** it, left me but never told me.

 

In the end, she had all this built up anger toward me, compund that with the fact she was already sucking and ****ing another, well she told me to **** off.

 

She was destine to cheat on me, I think this was a blessing in disguise, becase it forced me to re-evulate my life, my priorities, suffered a big hint upon her leaving, lost lots of money, lots and lots of money but I was left with nothing, I let it all slip away. I lost almost everything, but what I did have was my mind and old contacts as well as my experience I aquired throughout the years in my business field.

 

So about a month ago, I was down, lost lots of money, about to get evicted, I finally woke up from the fog with the mentaility of "oh my god, u have to work" and in doing so, I dove in head first, no sleep, about 3-4 hours per day, contacting everyone and anybody whom I had relationships with in the past, I let my knowledge slip away abot my indstry, I had to get it back.

 

In doing so, I manage to negioate two business deals, very lucartive, and form another partnership with a new friend whom I met by accident, also started to communicate better with people within my surrondings and now since I have done all of this, I realize the hit I suffer was small in companarsion with what I am about to gain.

 

Since she left, I've reverted back to my core, if she was here, I think I would of had another life, a few weeks ago, if you would of asked me would you trade your dreams and aspirations just to be with her, I would of said YES. Now seeing what I am truely capeable of, I don't think I would trade it anymore, only a fool would do that, then again I was a fool, A love sick fool.

 

If these business ventures pan-out the way they are suppose to, then I am golden. For some reason I want to thank her for doing what she did. It open my eyes. But I know only a fool would have such a mentaility as to thanking the girl whom destroyed him, cheated on him and left him, but I am not a fool, and I have no more love left in my heart for this particular female. Is it that I am happy things turn out the way it did?

 

Boy, she must be on coud-9 because according to her friend she was happy things turn out the way they did.... She was at this point so long ago, I am now just getting here and seeing the benifits of us not being together.

 

That trenchirious whore, thoght me allot abot relationships.

Moderators feel free to ban me for using the word "whore" to describe an actual "whore" if you deem it necessary, becase a "whore" is what my ex-girlfriend is/was.

 

I don't know if what I am saying is actually true or not, I feel the same way prior to everything happening. Its almost like my mind went around and around and around in a circle only to reach the same conclusion. In doing so though, i had open up back chapters of my life which were closed, which wold of naturally been open once I got settled into my new place, I think all this female caused me was time, pain, grief and money.

 

For a time though, things were sweet, I can never take that away from her, but the bad-times far outweigh the good times we had together, its almost like its balanced, but I don't want to go back to that place where I just emereged from.

 

I didn't know what the hell I was doing, she sure as hell didn't know what was going on, but she figured it out and decieded she found better, only to suprisingly see me turning things around, I bet she didn't know I had that up my sleeve ;-), I always fool you baby girl, if u would of stayed, man oh man, I would of never left you in life, u would of been golden, just like me. I hope you make it.... I rreally hope you make it and if you do, well I'll just pretend like I never knew you and when your not looking I'll smile to myself and say "I knew you would do it"

 

So how since I'm over it... How do I feel about the situation.?

**** it, She's a whore.

 

I guess the last thing I am wondering about is why she didn't tell me. I guess because I was paying her and she knew I wold of fired her had I found out. She wanted the money. Foolish me, I thought she loved me. I was right about her:

 

"Your only with me because of the lifestyle I bring to the table, yourg going to find a guy more your type and the send me invitations to the wedding" She stayed for so long I actually thought she loved me, but it was all a lie. i dont even know why she pretended.

 

I wonder what my next relationship is going to be like...

This one ended in flames.

[BackonTrack2]

Nothing to report.

Been about 8 months NC.

 

Sometimes I get flashes of the good-times then I just think about how it was in the very end.

 

The ex went exploring, then started preforming sexual acts, then had actual sex then became bitchy and nagful and unhappy, then the ex finally gave up on me, but never told me and kept coming around because I gave her money all the while she was ****ing and sucking another, trying to maintain the lies, keeping me on a string while she sured up her new relationship, in the process, gave me an std, built up hate and resentment, blamed me for everything, all the while attempting to change the dymanic of the relationship from lovers to friends but I never understood and I still kept going back for more, trying to figure out what was wrong with her until I told myself "I have to get rid of her" but I never did and I found out she was cheating on me, so I attempted to break up with her but I couldn't, she somehow manged to restablish communication between us and planned on going ahead with this new relationship and once I realized this I ended everything officially but I kept going back until there was no hope and I broke down one day and called her maybe 8 or 9 times which is when she promptly told me to **** off and we have no future but that wasn't enogh, family member called her on her birthday and she uttered the words "I realize now" which ofcourse brought me back to day1 and I naturally went mad and drove by her house (which in essence made me into a stalker for about 5 minutes), calling her demanding she break up with me in person, all the while she wasn't even home and didn't pick up so she must of been ****ing the new dude, meanwhile she calls 2 days later to state I am harassing her and she's attempting to keep the peace, then brags about her new dude to which I promptly send off a email curshing her out indicating she's a whore and she tricked me and fooled me to which she replied 2 weeks later with more lies indicating I was calling,texxting,emailing her to which I went NC for about 5 months and in a druken state of mind texted her indicating I was forgetting her and for her to do something to which she never replied to me stoping by a gas-station at 2:00am in the morning calling her from a pay phone feeling like a complete loser and stalker, to which she never picked up, which is when I told myself 'This is wrong,' don't dial her again all the while I am going on dates, having sex with different women, attempting to force a re-relatinoship, in the process losing money, ignoring business, messing up friendships, getting fights with family, until finally i said to myself, I need to be alone, I'm doing something wrong, nothing is working and then I realized, I was not me, I was some other person, maybe the person the EX wanted me to be, who knows.

 

I don't remember what happen, All I know it was March, now its October, I came to last month in September with no money, a pile a bills and a business in shambles, no girlfriend, so now as I have started to pick up the pieces of my life, what did I really learn?

2 years of my life, gone, wasted, in a blink of an eye.

I did get 9 good months, It wasn't all bad. Shew threw everything at me, but finding out about the affair, that was the death kneel, but I didnt die, her cussing me out and actually leaving, yep that finished me off. Come hell or high water for whatever reason she wanted out, I could of stopped her but I wasnt me + I didnt love her that much.

 

 

I've learn this whole situation was caused by me, could of been stopped at any time by me and I am the one at fault for letting these things happen.

So whois fault was it? I'll take the blame, I choose her, ignored all the red flags, hell everyone liked her + she gave me massages and had a pretty face + the sex was good and she was a hard worker and would do anything for me.

 

SO glad, I didnt marry that whore.

 

This relationship ended 1.5 years ago, I just didn't notice.

 

So what have I learned?

a) don't stop working when your ex leaves you

b) don't beg for them back

c) don't show emmotion when you know its already over n she's cheating

d) don't go crazy after she told you to **** off

e) don't call after you know its over trying to get it back

f) don't wait for them to come back (they are not coming back)

 

What TO DO

a) Excerise, eat right and find a new hobby

b) wait a while before trying to get into a relationship

c) don't tell people about your problems

d) let it burn, grieve the loss.

e) don't hang around people who will emotionally drain you

f) do hang around other females whom you find attractive and can give you a stimulating conversation.

 

Last but not least, let time do its thing and eve