I kissed someone. Now what?

[sunshinegirl]

I have had the worst of worst attitudes toward dating lately. Through various on-line dating sites I've met half a dozen guys, most of whom have done zero, nada, zip for me. Maybe it's too soon, maybe they're the wrong guys, I don't know. It's depressing, and exhausting at the same time. I think my walls are super high - I am probably not ready to take an emotional risk after what happened to me 4-5 months ago.

 

Last night I had a third date with one of these guys. Going into it I was incredibly grumpy. I didn't want to go out and I figured I would axe him from the list as soon as the date was over. But I ended up halfway enjoying the conversation and, after a glass of sangria, I even thought "hey, I could maybe see myself kissing him."

 

And later, he kissed me goodbye. And it wasn't bad, though it wasn't the fireworks-in-the-sky-hot-chemistry kind of first kiss with my ex, either. (Do I ever get to experience that again?) I suppose it's good that I got over that hurdle of kissing someone new.

 

Then, I went home and fell asleep crying about my ex. Then had a dream in which the ex dumped his kid on me. It was upsetting.

 

I don't really know what to do with this guy now. He's reasonably interesting but I'm pretty much terrified and not sure what I want, not sure I'm ready for a relationship.

 

I hate that I still think about Eric and still have that wish that he will someday regret hurting me. Hell, my ex-ex finally came back regretting letting me go. I want that same day to come with Eric. And I'm sure that's holding me back from new guys.

 

Argh, I'm rambling. Sorry. But it's kind of reflective of my state of mind these days. *sigh*

[Rafa]

Sounds like it's a bit early for you to be dating if you feel like that.

[Trialbyfire]

ssg, I don't think you're ready for a relationship yet. You're still in serial monogamy mode.

 

Why not date casually for the interim, with no expectations of a relationship? As long as you and your date(s) are aware of this, why can't it just be a pleasant experience.

[sunshinegirl]

ssg, I don't think you're ready for a relationship yet. You're still in serial monogamy mode.

 

Why not date casually for the interim, with no expectations of a relationship? As long as you and your date(s) are aware of this, why can't it just be a pleasant experience.

 

I don't do well with casual dating - if there's no potential for a relationship at some point down the road, what's the point? Not that either of us has verbalized anything about wanting a relationship yet...but I have no interest in go-nowhere dates. I don't sleep around and I'm not looking for "action".

 

I was on the verge of calling off all the dates on my calendar and just going back to hermit-slash-recovery mode. But what do I do about last night being better than I expected? I can see this is a quality guy...so wouldn't it also suck to miss out on a great guy because of my bad attitude?

[Trialbyfire]

I don't do well with casual dating - if there's no potential for a relationship at some point down the road, what's the point? Not that either of us has verbalized anything about wanting a relationship yet...but I have no interest in go-nowhere dates. I don't sleep around and I'm not looking for "action".

 

I was on the verge of calling off all the dates on my calendar and just going back to hermit-slash-recovery mode. But what do I do about last night being better than I expected? I can see this is a quality guy...so wouldn't it also suck to miss out on a great guy because of my bad attitude?

Why do you feel that dating casually encompasses the need for a hook-up? It doesn't.

 

Taking your attitude as at right now, you're not ready for a relationship but don't want to date casually. With this in mind, why are you dating? In dating like this, you're only going to burn people because you give the appearance of being ready for a relationship but pull back as soon as the threat of one is looming.

 

Take a dating break until you can get yourself out of the serial monogamy mode.

[sunshinegirl]

Why do you feel that dating casually encompasses the need for a hook-up? It doesn't.

 

Taking your attitude as at right now, you're not ready for a relationship but don't want to date casually. With this in mind, why are you dating? In dating like this, you're only going to burn people because you give the appearance of being ready for a relationship but pull back as soon as the threat of one is looming.

 

Take a dating break until you can get yourself out of the serial monogamy mode.

 

What is the point of casual dating, TBF? That's not a rhetorical or snarky question. You clearly have a dim view of "serial monogamy" (which I define as going from one relationship to the next without any breaks, and that's not how I operate. I've been single more than in relationship most of my adult life, and typically have 6-18 months in between relationships).

 

By way of explanation, I'm dating because I want to meet the right person. I have a history of being attracted to the wrong men, and there is only so much in counseling I can do to retrain myself to want the "right" men. At some point I have to get out there and start spending time with various men to figure it out. Third date guy seems like he could be the right kind of man, which is in part why I am struggling. I am not used to being with men like him; I resist it and long for the broken but comfortable kind of men I've been with in the past.

 

Oh, and I don't lead anyone on. I have quite forthrightly pulled the plug on these other guys, and if things with this guy go much further, I will be just as honest with him as with everyone else about where I am emotionally.

[Trialbyfire]

What is the point of casual dating, TBF? That's not a rhetorical or snarky question. You clearly have a dim view of "serial monogamy" (which I define as going from one relationship to the next without any breaks, and that's not how I operate. I've been single more than in relationship most of my adult life, and typically have 6-18 months in between relationships).

 

By way of explanation, I'm dating because I want to meet the right person. I have a history of being attracted to the wrong men, and there is only so much in counseling I can do to retrain myself to want the "right" men. At some point I have to get out there and start spending time with various men to figure it out. Third date guy seems like he could be the right kind of man, which is in part why I am struggling. I am not used to being with men like him; I resist it and long for the broken but comfortable kind of men I've been with in the past.

 

Oh, and I don't lead anyone on. I have quite forthrightly pulled the plug on these other guys, and if things with this guy go much further, I will be just as honest with him as with everyone else about where I am emotionally.

Casual dating is the opportunity to socialize with people of the opposite gender, where there might or might not be sexual attraction. It ensures that there's no pressure on the individuals, beyond being themselves, totally relaxed and being entertained/entertaining. There's the possibility of hook up or not, the possibility of more or not, it's up to the individual to make it what they will. In being upfront about non-commitment or relationship focus, it's up to each individual to take it as they will.

 

Having said all that, people believe what they want to believe, making shyte up in their minds, regardless of what's said, regardless of how clearly you say it. If that's the case, that's their responsibility.

 

As for having a dim view of serial monogamy, you've got to be kidding. I strongly believe in serial monogamy but not in being a serial monogamist if there's no one else in the relationship. When this happens, the serial monogamist is only hurting themselves. When the serial monogamist goes out dating, guaranteed they'll leave some walking wounded in their wake.

 

ssg, in dating with a big, gaping hole in your heart, you're hoping someone will complete you. You know it doesn't work that way.

[ioncebelieved]

Hey Sunshine!!! I feel the same as you. That feeling made me delete my online profile as I find that type of dating futile and wasteful. I am not quite ready to date as I work on number one.

 

They always say you will find what you are looking for when you stop looking. So I have stopped. I sort of made the mistake of getting intimate with a woman I consider a friend ONLY. I was abundantly clear on my intentions from go, but it feels that she is trying to change that, which I won't.

 

Date when you are ABSOLUTELY READY!

[orangehose]

Funny SSG, I had been wondering how you've been doing, whether you'd found someone else, etc (since our breakups were around the same time).

 

I'm in a very similar position to where you are now. Not completely ready for dating or another relationship, not completely over the ex, but at the same time, really TIRED of NOT being ready. As far as I know, my ex is out there dating and having a good time. It's not fair that I should be burdened with this inability to happily date. It's so unfair how they get to leave unscathed.

 

I would postpone dating ad infinitum, except that well... at some point I'm going to have to get my feet wet again. I have no guarantee that I'm EVER going to feel ready. My brain could decide to pine for this dude forever. It seems out of my control. In that case, might as well try to date and get on with my life.

 

As for misleading people, it depends. I don't think a couple of dates with a person, with whom there has been no 'DTR' conversation, really hurts anyone. Sure, someone could fall head over heels for you within 2 or 3 dates, but that could happen in real-life with people you're not dating, too.