Big Steps Forward, Little Steps Backward

[sunshinegirl]

As are a couple of others on this board, I am dipping my toes back into the dating pool. It's been 4 months since my breakup.

 

I have mostly had a craptastic attitude about it and have canceled two dates in the last week for lack of enthusiasm on my part. But this week a couple of new guys have popped up on the radar and I am actually intrigued by them. I will be talking to one by phone tonight, and meeting the other next week.

 

But get this: if I spend more than a few minutes wondering about these guys and feeling a little stirring of interest, my mind ZOOMS back to Eric and I feel a fresh round of "boo hoo" upset: e.g. last year at this time he and I were in South Africa on the best vacation of our lives.

 

He's still in my system. I worry I won't feel that kind of chemistry with someone new, and then when I *do* feel that little bit of interest, the fun "what if?" wondering, I freak out and retreat into sad memories of my relationship w/ Eric.

 

I suppose it's all par for the course, but sometimes I wish I had never dated him. At minimum, I wish I could know that he misses me sometimes.

[HopeDiesLast]

Knowing he misses you does no good. My ex told me he misses me...then added that hes not sure if that means he'd want to get back together.

So pretend I'm Eric- yes i miss you, sunshinegirl. But i dont want to get back together.

Because if he did....he'd DO IT.

So go out on your dates....have as much fun as you can muster...and feel good because guys are interested in you! It helps a little even if you aren't ready to actually be in any sort of "relationship".

So does 4 mos feel any different than 3 mos post break up? cus i'm at 3!

[sid3]

I think your well on your way down the path of indifference. You'll get there eventually. At four months your doing great. Even though there are still steps back, a few steps foward makeup for them. One of your dates may change your life, maybe not. Regardless, have fun. That date you cancel could be the ultimate dating story you missed out on. haha....

[motive2002]

hmm.. well on the bright side of things at least you have prospects.

 

Since the split with my ex, my self esteem is, shall I say, not conducive to dating right now

[Ingenue]

SSG, you're doing great by getting your feet wet with the potential dates. Don't worry too much about the what ifs. Take your dates on a case-by-case basis and play it by ear. If you do feel chemistry, gauge it then. You deserve to be happy. It's almost inevitable to occasionally reflect back on your ex. He was a part of your life and your memories

 

Yesterday I read a post of yours that stated something about the Hadron Collider and it started getting me thinking about my ex. I hadn't thought about him in weeks (not in that sappy nostalgic way). Since both of our exes are science guys, I just started reminiscing about the stupid stuff. This time last year, we were engagement ring shopping and having a really good time and connecting. It's strange what triggers memories.

 

Good luck with your phone call tonight

[0hpenelope]

It's the Forward steps that's more important.

[sunshinegirl]

Thanks everyone. I appreciate it.

 

I know it's good to have prospects. It's kind of amazing that I am able to give any of them a second thought - even if it doesn't go much beyond a second thought right now.

 

The phone call last night was decent, but it was a little weird. The guy is smart - a lawyer who started his own firm and has done political campaign work, but he had a frat boy conversational vibe which is not my thing at all. I can't totally figure him out. We got off the phone and I didn't think much about him after that, so I guess I'm not smitten? But he has been very clear and very polite about wanting to talk more and get to know me. He asked if he could call me today to say hello, and then texted me this morning to say he hopes I have a good day. It's nice to have someone being direct about their interest even if I'm not sure I return it.

 

But while I was trying to go to sleep last night, Eric's cheating and the last few weeks of our relationship kept looping through my head. Which had me crying again. This is really stupid but a part of me thinks I will be able to put this more behind me when his new relationship goes to hell. Fine, I don't care so much that he will end up eventually with someone else...just - not her. Don't end up happy with her. What is that about - why do I feel that way?

[0hpenelope]

...Don't end up happy with her. What is that about - why do I feel that way?

 

She was the one who he cheated with. She's the source of your pain and she bears responsibility for part of the reason why your relationship with Eric collapsed.

 

It could've been some other girl - "Maggie" - and I honestly believe that if Eric had been with Maggie, you'll be mad at Maggie.

[sunshinegirl]

You're right, it's what she represents not who she is in particular.

 

OMG I'm watching Diane Keaton's hysterical crying scene in "Something's Gotta Give". I can totally relate.

 

I talked to the same guy again tonight by phone. I don't think I see it progressing with him. At this point in time it is more comforting to grieve about Eric than to open myself to the possibility of someone new. What a crappy place to be right now.

[Ingenue]

SSG, I'm sorry you're feeling so icky right now. But remember to take all the time you need to grieve over Eric. It's a healthy process (even though it feels so counterintuitive to healing).

 

Just remember that even though you feel you have moments where your steps are backwards, you're still moving forwards. That'll take time but ultimately you're heading in the right direction.

 

Hang in there

[sunshinegirl]

Thank you, Ingenue.

 

I want to get this down somewhere before I forget it: I had a dream last night that Eric and I got married, but he was a total jerk on the wedding day - not showing up until the last minute, hustling us off to the reception before we even exchanged vows ("good enough" seemed to be his view on the ceremony), being a wet blanket and acting like a petulant child, basically. I think in fact he had been off drinking with friends before the wedding and so he was half-drunk the whole day.

 

I woke up feeling VERY RELIEVED that I hadn't married him.

 

I am going to try to hold on to that feeling today.

[sunshinegirl]

I somehow got hammered tonight off of one drink. Ouch! But they sure are right...that alcohol's a depressant.

 

After the drink, with friends, I went to my ex-ex-boyfriend's birthday get-together. I didn't especially want to go but felt like I *should*.

 

Ex-ex lives downtown and being at his place with a bunch of other singles, in the middle of the nightlife scene, made me depressed. I miss the life Eric and I had. I am sooo not the urban night life girl anymore, not that I ever really was, but I loved what our life together consisted of and I'm missing it tonight.

 

I'm embarrassed to admit I still cyber-stalk Eric some... he seems now to be on LinkedIn and I notice he's interested in career opportunities and consulting offers. It seems to be a new profile and it suggests his lab work isn't getting funded and he may actually have to leave his field. That makes me both sad for him and kind of glad in that "karma may be getting you" kind of way. I'm not proud of the latter one.

 

Crap, though, for being drunk and missing him.

[0hpenelope]

I somehow got hammered tonight off of one drink. Ouch! But they sure are right...that alcohol's a depressant.

 

After the drink, with friends, I went to my ex-ex-boyfriend's birthday get-together. I didn't especially want to go but felt like I *should*.

 

Ex-ex lives downtown and being at his place with a bunch of other singles, in the middle of the nightlife scene, made me depressed. I miss the life Eric and I had. I am sooo not the urban night life girl anymore, not that I ever really was, but I loved what our life together consisted of and I'm missing it tonight.

 

I'm embarrassed to admit I still cyber-stalk Eric some... he seems now to be on LinkedIn and I notice he's interested in career opportunities and consulting offers. It seems to be a new profile and it suggests his lab work isn't getting funded and he may actually have to leave his field. That makes me both sad for him and kind of glad in that "karma may be getting you" kind of way. I'm not proud of the latter one.

 

Crap, though, for being drunk and missing him.

 

((hugs))

 

I found out today that Lawrence is dating a new girl.

 

...But I was alright.

 

I'm sad, but I'm not as "broken" as I thought I would be when this day came. But I'm still alright. Just one day at a time.

[movingonandon]

You're right, it's what she represents not who she is in particular.

 

OMG I'm watching Diane Keaton's hysterical crying scene in "Something's Gotta Give". I can totally relate.

 

I talked to the same guy again tonight by phone. I don't think I see it progressing with him. At this point in time it is more comforting to grieve about Eric than to open myself to the possibility of someone new. What a crappy place to be right now.

 

Not to hijack the trhread, but you keep talking and texting with this guy without actually going on any dates yet?

 

I'm trying to date again after 2 months after break up and such a phone scenario would be highly annoying to me personally. I usually exchange 3-4 emails with girls i meet online, and the moment I get their phone number, I call with the intention to set up a date. If I don't get at least a tentative agreement I'm moving onto the next one. The assumption being that no girl that would not at least consider going out with you would give her number to a complete online stranger and so far success rate is pretty good (100%). So I'm curious if your "progressing over phone" thing is a common expectation among girls, min which case i'd consider bearing with this...????

[sunshinegirl]

Not to hijack the trhread, but you keep talking and texting with this guy without actually going on any dates yet?

 

I'm trying to date again after 2 months after break up and such a phone scenario would be highly annoying to me personally. I usually exchange 3-4 emails with girls i meet online, and the moment I get their phone number, I call with the intention to set up a date. If I don't get at least a tentative agreement I'm moving onto the next one. The assumption being that no girl that would not at least consider going out with you would give her number to a complete online stranger and so far success rate is pretty good (100%). So I'm curious if your "progressing over phone" thing is a common expectation among girls, min which case i'd consider bearing with this...????

 

If by "keep talking and texting" you mean a few emails, texts from HIM to ME, and two phone calls in the span of 4 days, then yes. I am not big on extended email/phone chats either. In fact, I'm not a big phone talker so I prefer to exchange a few emails and then just meet for coffee if the guy seems interesting enough.

 

I agreed to talk to this guy by phone in part because he didn't have a profile up on the dating site - his friend contacted me and gave me his email/job website and that's all I had to go on at first.

 

That being said, I give this guy a lot of credit for having been clear about his interest and calling when he said he would, and following up the next day with a txt message. It's terrific initiative and I really appreciated the confidence with which he was pursuing me. And he pretty quickly invited me to a baseball game once we were talking by phone.

 

But to be honest I never had an awesome vibe about this guy. He's too much "jock" for me. I'm very active but not into organized sports (watching or playing) and that's a big part of his life - think 3 soccer leagues and a hockey league. Plus over our phone calls there just wasn't much conversational chemistry, and I got the sense that we're looking for different things. So I put the kabash on it.

[movingonandon]

If by "keep talking and texting" you mean a few emails, texts from HIM to ME, and two phone calls in the span of 4 days, then yes. I am not big on extended email/phone chats either. In fact, I'm not a big phone talker so I prefer to exchange a few emails and then just meet for coffee if the guy seems interesting enough.

 

I agreed to talk to this guy by phone in part because he didn't have a profile up on the dating site - his friend contacted me and gave me his email/job website and that's all I had to go on at first.

 

That being said, I give this guy a lot of credit for having been clear about his interest and calling when he said he would, and following up the next day with a txt message. It's terrific initiative and I really appreciated the confidence with which he was pursuing me. And he pretty quickly invited me to a baseball game once we were talking by phone.

 

But to be honest I never had an awesome vibe about this guy. He's too much "jock" for me. I'm very active but not into organized sports (watching or playing) and that's a big part of his life - think 3 soccer leagues and a hockey league. Plus over our phone calls there just wasn't much conversational chemistry, and I got the sense that we're looking for different things. So I put the kabash on it.

 

the vibe thing you mention is exactly why i don't like talking too much on the phone - it's way too easy to screw things up, particularly when there is not specific intention, which does not seem to be the problem here;

 

It's hard to like someone after a break up, so I've purposefully lowered my criteria, and this strategy may or may not be approrpiate for girls too! No, of course I'm not talking about "settling", just about focusing on the basics (i.e. acceptably attractive, decent morals, comparable education, that's pretty much it. Everything else is personality traits, and none are better than others - just different!

[sunshinegirl]

I almost started a new thread for this, it was so "WOW!" for me, but figured I'd just update this thread.

 

My sister's cousin-in-law "Rachel" called her last week to say that she and her husband "Carl" are divorcing, after 15-ish years of marriage and 3 children. I know Rachel and Carl, having met them at extended family events. Always thought them to be a great couple - friendly, happy, etc. I think I may even have had a stab of envy at their "togetherness" and hoped that one day I would have what Rachel has.

 

Turns out that Carl is totally emotionally disconnected. TOTALLY. So much so that two years ago Rachel was ready to pack it in. Instead they tried counseling but it didn't go anywhere, in part because Carl refused to read any of the books their counselor suggested. Lots and lots of instances over the life of their marriage of Rachel feeling like Carl didn't see her, care what she had to say, or attend to her or the kids. Lonely in her marriage, big time. And Carl can't see or acknowledge ANYTHING about his role in their marriage's demise. Oh, and get this: before their wedding 15 years ago, Carl's sister told Rachel that she shouldn't marry him - the sister didn't believe Carl was capable of loving other people deeply and that he was so self-absorbed that she wasn't sure he would make a good father (or husband). Carl's own parents are on Rachel's "side" (as much as one can be in these situations) and think their son is basically being a big idiot. Everyone is in shock and upset.

 

To be clear, in no way am I happy that this is happening to them. However, it feels like I just got a special glimpse into what my life would have been like with Eric. I imagined that future, but I never really had a concrete sense of what it would have looked or felt like. And I never contacted his ex-wife to hear her side of things or develop more of a picture from her.

 

So I almost feel like I was just given a huge gift. THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN MY LIFE! And it's lifted a weight off my shoulders in a really weird way. I really am free - free to find someone connected, someone capable of love.

 

Update 2: had surprisingly good first date tonight. Have another first date tomorrow night, and likely one on Saturday. I feel like I am suddenly in a much better emotional headspace.

[0hpenelope]

I almost started a new thread for this, it was so "WOW!" for me, but figured I'd just update this thread.

 

My sister's cousin-in-law "Rachel" called her last week to say that she and her husband "Carl" are divorcing, after 15-ish years of marriage and 3 children. I know Rachel and Carl, having met them at extended family events. Always thought them to be a great couple - friendly, happy, etc. I think I may even have had a stab of envy at their "togetherness" and hoped that one day I would have what Rachel has.

 

Turns out that Carl is totally emotionally disconnected. TOTALLY. So much so that two years ago Rachel was ready to pack it in. Instead they tried counseling but it didn't go anywhere, in part because Carl refused to read any of the books their counselor suggested. Lots and lots of instances over the life of their marriage of Rachel feeling like Carl didn't see her, care what she had to say, or attend to her or the kids. Lonely in her marriage, big time. And Carl can't see or acknowledge ANYTHING about his role in their marriage's demise. Oh, and get this: before their wedding 15 years ago, Carl's sister told Rachel that she shouldn't marry him - the sister didn't believe Carl was capable of loving other people deeply and that he was so self-absorbed that she wasn't sure he would make a good father (or husband). Carl's own parents are on Rachel's "side" (as much as one can be in these situations) and think their son is basically being a big idiot. Everyone is in shock and upset.

 

To be clear, in no way am I happy that this is happening to them. However, it feels like I just got a special glimpse into what my life would have been like with Eric. I imagined that future, but I never really had a concrete sense of what it would have looked or felt like. And I never contacted his ex-wife to hear her side of things or develop more of a picture from her.

 

So I almost feel like I was just given a huge gift. THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN MY LIFE! And it's lifted a weight off my shoulders in a really weird way. I really am free - free to find someone connected, someone capable of love.

 

Update 2: had surprisingly good first date tonight. Have another first date tomorrow night, and likely one on Saturday. I feel like I am suddenly in a much better emotional headspace.

 

:sigh: There it goes, sunshinegirl. It just goes to show how much we know. Really.

 

These life stories take my breath away sometimes. Not because of anything good. More like it's because I'm taken by surprise.

 

And hooray for that first date! Good stories are always good to hear about, yes.

[orangehose]

Thanks for the update, SSG. It sounds like it's one of those pieces of information that pushed your healing to a new level. I've encountered a few of those these past few weeks as well, actually by doing a bit of sociological research into risk factors for marital instability (turns out my ex had a bunch of them).

 

In the course of my internet forays, I also ran into this fact, which you've probably already encountered, but could help you if you haven't. Turns out that those who've been divorced once are more likely divorce again - the divorce rate in second marriages is something upwards of 60 or 70%, if I remember correctly.

 

So your ex was a poor risk, from the perspective of marriage or even a long-lasting relationship.

 

Like you, I still feel a bit crummy coming back from parties alone. Some people crave the single life, and while I'm trying to enjoy it, it's not what I want at this point in my life.

 

Still, better alone, than bonded to someone with whom there would have been an unhappy ending.

[orangehose]

 

So your ex was a poor risk, from the perspective of marriage or even a long-lasting relationship.

 

 

I just wanted to add, lest I offend, that of course plenty of people have successful second marriages. I've seen them in real-life and on LS.

Second marriages are by no means doomed to failure, but then statistics are statistics.

 

I'm sure the divorce rate for second marriages is higher because of impulsive, Britney Spears types (which your ex actually sounds like, SSG), and not due to those people who are in a second marriage because their first marriage was to a Britney-Spears-type

 

Oh yeah, and I love Britney. She's probably on these boards.

[sunshinegirl]

:sigh: There it goes, sunshinegirl. It just goes to show how much we know. Really.

 

These life stories take my breath away sometimes. Not because of anything good. More like it's because I'm taken by surprise.

 

And hooray for that first date! Good stories are always good to hear about, yes.

 

Me too. I was just stunned at the news. The good thing, if any, is that Rachel sounds confident that divorcing is the right thing to do - that she wasn't blindsided by him suddenly wanting out, in other words. It sounds like she felt they weren't going to make it for a long, long time.

 

Thanks for the update, SSG. It sounds like it's one of those pieces of information that pushed your healing to a new level. I've encountered a few of those these past few weeks as well, actually by doing a bit of sociological research into risk factors for marital instability (turns out my ex had a bunch of them).

 

In the course of my internet forays, I also ran into this fact, which you've probably already encountered, but could help you if you haven't. Turns out that those who've been divorced once are more likely divorce again - the divorce rate in second marriages is something upwards of 60 or 70%, if I remember correctly.

 

So your ex was a poor risk, from the perspective of marriage or even a long-lasting relationship.

 

Like you, I still feel a bit crummy coming back from parties alone. Some people crave the single life, and while I'm trying to enjoy it, it's not what I want at this point in my life.

 

Still, better alone, than bonded to someone with whom there would have been an unhappy ending.

 

Hi OH - what other stats/sociological info have you uncovered? Any links you could pass along?

 

Interestingly, I am becoming more okay with the single life. Not entirely sure why, but it takes off some of the pressure on these dates - it's okay if none of them is a fit!

 

Also, in an enlightened "self-care" moment, I finally hired a cleaning person and today, for the first time, my apartment is cleaner than it's been in my 3.5 years of living here. It's awesome, and it's helped my mood tremendously. I'd been living with mess, clutter, dust and cat hairballs for weeks. Gross!

[sunshinegirl]

So - I had a pretty good date last night! I'm surprised at myself because I've been checking my email constantly today to see if he's written yet.

 

He actually showed interest in me as a person, asked lots of questions, then lots of follow-up questions... conversation flowed pretty easily. I don't remember any lulls, actually. He's an ER doc with an interest in public health policy, widely traveled, adventurous, athletic. No obvious red flags.

 

His was the second of three dates this week - the first one was Tuesday night with an entrepreneur-type guy (also went well, will see him again), and the third one is Saturday with a middle school teacher.

 

To be clear, I still carry around a lump of sadness/angst about Eric. I'm still gun shy - my girlfriend laughed at me when I told her I've been ending all my dates with handshakes and was thrown off when ER doc hugged me goodbye. I can't yet imagine kissing someone else.

 

But yeah, the healing is continuing. It's been four months since the breakup, people, and the fact that I have even the faintest glimmer of interest in *anyone* else is a big deal.