College Mentality, No More.

[eiithan]

About five months ago, my college boyfriend of two years (who is 20 now; I am 24) broke up with me over unclear reasons which later turned out to be that he stopped feelings for me. He wanted to be friends with me, as we were best friends in the relationship. But I was too distressed as I didn't see the breakup coming when I was having the most difficult time of my life (so far), which involved my family. As expected, being friends did not work out. I was angry and an emotional wreck for following three months, which I shouldn't have done if I wanted him back, but I do not regret for I believe it says something sincere and true about myself. Meantime, he started brushing me off, pretty much trashing our friendship.

 

Two months after the breakup, two weeks before I moved out from the college town, I ran into him with another girl. It was the beginning of the trust we had breaking apart, as previously I believed that he simply needed the breakup to find himself. I became quite upset that he couldn't even wait until I go away. We had a bad parting, for he almost walked away from the meeting as he found my being emotional unbearable (although he initiated the meeting). I had to tell him to stop running away from confrontations.

 

After I moved into a new town, he left me voicemails to call him when I am settled. But when I did call him right before I was leaving to a foreign country for the summer, the conversation went horribly. I asked him if he remembered my departure day and he responded with "why does it matter" & "you're bringing things upon yourself." So much from a person I used to love, it killed most of feelings and respect I had for him.

 

Three weeks later, I got an email from him asking how I am doing. He also asked me about my sick grandma, so I responded with a polite email. And no response for the following week. Meantime, all my angers returned and I couldn't sleep. I ended up writing him an email never to contact me out of boredom, guilt, or ego boost; listing the details of how he hurt me on my departure day, and that without his sincere apology and a change to be a reliable, responsible friend, I would never see him in my life; that his behaviours were so immature, inconsiderate, and mean. It was my first time I ever said such things to him, and it did feel good. I was moving on.

 

I got no response until I returned to the States. He wrote that he wants to apologise for my departure day, he didn't mean to make me so upset; that he was just carried away by my disposition and circumstances. It wasn't really what I wanted, but for it being an apology email I accepted. Strangely, he also wrote that he would like to visit me and he's been sick and seen by a doctor. I was soft-hearted and wrote him two days later that I accept his apology and he could visit me around a certain date, for I assumed he wanted to take a break before the school started. And, of course, no response. I started to get annoyed for he showed no consideration over my schedule. I sent him a text, a voicemail, and the email reply. I knew it's a no-no thing to do, but due to the tropical storm in his home state, I had to inquire about his family's well-being (this was the only thing I mentioned in the voicemail). No response. Then, out of blue, a week later I got a five sentence email that says 'I got your msg. I will call you back. I am home and no reception (which is true). Won't be back to the state until mid next week. hope all is well.' And as expected, as of today, nine days from the last email, I got no phone call.

 

And now I quit. I am sick of his meaningless/actionless words. I know that he has a kind heart, but it does not justify his irresponsible actions. I have lost feelings, trust, respect, and attraction I used to have for him. Over the breakup, I made him a promise that I will help him no matter what if he's in trouble. I mean to keep this promise on my part, no matter how angry I am, but he is just horrible with whatever he says. I made myself clear that I won't compromise for nothing less than a trustworthy, reliable friend and if he couldn't, then never contact me ever in lifetime. I guess it means nothing serious for him. I refuse to be stringed along to make him feel better. I am hugely disappointed, for now I can't expect a decent human behaviour from someone I used to think so highly of.

 

And unfortunately, this seems like a typical symptom of college mentality. Not that everyone acts like this, but it occurred to me that it's their "I am too busy (with chatting/facebooking/wikipedia) to respond through a quick text" mentality. All I wanted was a respect for a person who offered a chance to rebuild the friendship (I made it very clear that we start from nothing, that it takes two people working on it, and he showed no effort, only saying he wants to be friends), and all I see is flakiness in a guise of false friendship. Funny that I also had a younger girlfriend the other day who never responded to five phone calls, four texts, two voicemails three days prior to the day school started for I was visiting the area and wanted to see her. She simply wrote me back 'sorry I was too busy as school started.' Of course, you're too busy to mind your manners. Same with my ex-boyfriend. They are nice persons, but being nice does not mean acting responsibly. He seriously has no clue why certain things require efforts and immediate attentions; that crucial things get lost without working on them. I was and am the most reliable, trustworthy person he has ever known outside his family, and as he treated me like a doormat, I call it truly over. Not even the friendship. He had to earn it, and never saw the need to do so other than talking pretty words. Now he does not deserve anything.

 

I blocked him on facebook, changed my IM. My heart was broken before due to the breakup, and now it's broken again because now I really lost a friend. I am so tired of this college mentality that being friends means nothing more than "showing up/contacting whenever I feel like to." Perhaps he will learn the cold truth that these flaky friends around him will be gone once he graduates and moves back home. However, by then, I won't be there anyway. Despite of the breakup, I managed to graduate with honours, took care of family matters, and stayed with my grandma during her surgery. I believe that any kind of success requires devotion and hard work. I have a group of friends who would support me in times of stress, as I would do the same. I am a fairly good looking woman and will be with someone who appreciates my qualities.

 

Yes, so much for his loss. It was him who was lucky to have me, even as a friend.

[skydancing]

Oh my god, you must be me.

 

I too have similar feelings about people our age. I feel like my ideas of friendship and relationship are so outdated! I just read the book "Generation Me," and it made me horribly depressed to see how people in our generation have so much consideration for themselves and hardly any for other people.

 

I am going through a break up, too, and it's been a struggle to accept that my ex just doesn't give a damn about me, even though he said that he wanted to be friends with such an amazing person. He will text me saying that he will call me soon but then it turns out to be a week or two later. HE ignores my e-mails. He broke up with me for numerous reasons, but all of them unclear, but I know he is sticking with the mentality that he needs to hook up as much as possible and be free of the "burdens" of a relationship. He sees no point in talking about feelings or even expressing them - he stuffs them down so that people can't see. I wish I could describe his actions better, but they make me very depressed.

 

I don't know really what to tell you. I would say to just ignore him indefinitely, even if it's hard for you. I feel like I am you in the way that we hold on to people who don't respect us, and how we strive for relationships and friendships with some meaning attached. I am currently going NC on my ex. It's hard to resist the urge to enlighten him to what he is doing and how poorly he treated me in the relationship, but I have to let it go. If I had just met him and saw what he was doing with himself right now, then I probably wouldn't get into a relationship with him. When I met him, he was sincere, nice, and honest. No more. I think you could look at your situation the same, too, and then just go cold turkey.