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we accept the love we think we deserve.


extraordinarymachine

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extraordinarymachine

Don't accept an ex who doesn't love you enough to STAY.

 

love IS about sticking with it, working through hard feelings, walking uphill, finding the joy in the small things, seeing a person for their best moments, putting the other person before yourself, commitment, shared purpose, shared memories, a continual wish for the loved one's good, uplifting one another, carrying each other's burdens, a best friend, a companion, emotional support, kindness, tenderness, willingness to talk and listen, a desire to be loyal to the life you have made with that person, fidelity, trust, respect...

 

love is NOT only hanging around when the feelings are ripe, using your SO for sex or comfort, abusing or talking down to your SO, disrespect, foolish and childish demands and behavior, cold shoulder acts and hurtful words, never solving arguments but rather trying to forget they happened, turning a blind eye to infidelity, clinging to someone who no longer loves you back, an invitation to use someone else for your benefit, something to take for granted, a safety net for your screw ups, convenience, selfish, belittling and confusing your partner, leading on or emotionally starving them, believing love is only alive when the circumstances of life are exactly right...

 

THEREFORE...

 

Don't accept what is now no love at all. Your ex has chosen to take their love away. Don't sit around "accepting" scraps from them, eating memories like rations for this starving time, waiting for them to change their mind--love unrequited is not what you deserve. So don't accept it. Make today the last day you ever accept love that isn't love at all. You are worthy of far more than that.

 

Let them go, and find love you deserve...because their broken concept of love is NOT what you deserve.

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Don't accept an ex who doesn't love you enough to STAY.

 

love IS about sticking with it, working through hard feelings, walking uphill, finding the joy in the small things, seeing a person for their best moments, putting the other person before yourself, commitment, shared purpose, shared memories, a continual wish for the loved one's good, uplifting one another, carrying each other's burdens, a best friend, a companion, emotional support, kindness, tenderness, willingness to talk and listen, a desire to be loyal to the life you have made with that person, fidelity, trust, respect...

 

love is NOT only hanging around when the feelings are ripe, using your SO for sex or comfort, abusing or talking down to your SO, disrespect, foolish and childish demands and behavior, cold shoulder acts and hurtful words, never solving arguments but rather trying to forget they happened, turning a blind eye to infidelity, clinging to someone who no longer loves you back, an invitation to use someone else for your benefit, something to take for granted, a safety net for your screw ups, convenience, selfish, belittling and confusing your partner, leading on or emotionally starving them, believing love is only alive when the circumstances of life are exactly right...

 

THEREFORE...

 

Don't accept what is now no love at all. Your ex has chosen to take their love away. Don't sit around "accepting" scraps from them, eating memories like rations for this starving time, waiting for them to change their mind--love unrequited is not what you deserve. So don't accept it. Make today the last day you ever accept love that isn't love at all. You are worthy of far more than that.

 

Let them go, and find love you deserve...because their broken concept of love is NOT what you deserve.

 

Very nicely put!

Stay strong & remain hopeful, you'll eventually find what you're looking for & deserve.

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HeatherAngel

...but sometimes you just can't stay. Loving them enough means leaving, for both of you.

 

And sometimes that DOESN'T mean they 'didn't love you enough to stay' - sometimes it means you're both in a place where you just CAN'T work on the tough stuff right then.

 

And sometimes you have to wait it out... not as a doormat, but as a partner, who respects and accepts that there are changes to be made before you can regroup and reassess.

 

Not all relationships that appear to have been 'walked away from' really are. Some just really, truly, need a break. Can you think of ANY other person you could spend day in, day out with for all those years WITHOUT needing some down time? Sometimes, there wasn't enough 'I' in the relationship, and the enmeshing was strangulating. In which case - NOT staying, for now, is the right thing - the BEST thing - for that relationship.

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love IS about sticking with it...

 

love is NOT ...belittling and confusing your partner, leading on or emotionally starving them, believing love is only alive when the circumstances of life are exactly right...

 

Don't sit around "accepting" scraps from them, eating memories like rations for this starving time, waiting for them to change their mind...

 

EM, you're one of those users whose posts I can't wait to read.

 

You're right, love means sticking with it. It means treating the other in the manner which you want to be treated. People get into a pattern where the golden rule no longer applies, and somehow it becomes OK. I know I did. I accepted bad treatment. For me, I don't have family or good role models and I put ALL of my life into the one person who showed me attention. In many ways, in most ways, I have myself to blame.

 

In regards to Heather's comments... I can kind of understand the argument that love ALSO means letting the other person go, when you're not at a time in your life when you can do them justice. The whole "set it free" thing. My opinion is that in a healthy R, both partners assist the other in getting through the tough times. Why should a separation be needed? Added to that is the fact that it's ignorant and foolish to assume and/or expect the other to be there post-"break", once all their personal sh*t is sorted out. No one wants to wait around, and no one should have to. If you want me, you want me now and always.

 

The theme of your thread, I believe, is that self-image plays a HUGE part in how our R's go. I think many of us on here have ironically improved our self-images after having gone through the worst thing ever, our biggest fear: Dun-dun-DUN!! A BREAKUP!!

 

I'm 24 and now I know I was naive to think I could build a life with this woman. That doesn't mean I could cut her out. I have a lyric in a song of mine that goes:

 

"I could never say you're on your own."

 

I couldn't. That's not me. The lesson is, as you say, to REALLY evaluate people and assess whether or not they are worthy of your kindness and attention, and if they can reciprocate that, before allowing them such monumental roles in your life. And it IS a lesson. And we couldn't have learned it otherwise.

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extraordinarymachine

And sometimes that DOESN'T mean they 'didn't love you enough to stay' - sometimes it means you're both in a place where you just CAN'T work on the tough stuff right then.

 

I definitely understand that some people fall into this category, I'm mainly speaking to myself and others like me, whose partners left through no fault of their own and because they "don't have feelings any more" or they chose to cheat or whatever. I'm not talking as much about people who mutually realize there are problems and love each other enough to take some time to work it out.

 

I'm not denying that we all need a break from one another from time to time, but those boundaries are present in a healthy relationship. We shouldn't get sick of our partners if we are taking care of our needs and establishing relationships and interests outside of our romantic relationship. Being independent and complete on your own, making your partner the icing on the cake instead of the whole cake, that makes a good relationship. When this ceases to happen, there need to be changes.

 

Mainly I was trying to say that we shouldn't sit around any more waiting for our exes to give a shyte, quite frankly. Haha. I just don't know any other way to put it. In my case, my ex chose to walk away from years of friendship, mutual respect, and shared hardships and experiences. His excuse was that he no longer had feelings. Well, if his concept of love is all about some romantic pie-in-the-sky notion that love is a thrill every second of every day, I don't accept that love. I deserve love that is rooted in commitment and able to look past imperfections or a lack of an emotional high to deep compatibility, friendship, and life goals. I gave that kind of love to him and I won't love someone again until I find the one willing to give it back.

 

I just think a lot of people around here are hoping their ex will return. I know I did, for a while. I'm just trying to encourage those people to realize that if their ex did not treat them in a truly loving manner, and furthermore, if they chose to walk away from the relationship, that greener pastures await. Not to say we shouldn't learn from our mistakes or that there aren't times where "they weren't right for you, stay away," doesn't apply, but I just want to give others who are waiting around a reality check.

 

We all deserve someone who loves us at our best and our worst, and who we partner with to weather the challenges of life. Bottom line. Should they negate that relationship, that partnership--don't sit around and wait for them to change their mind. You don't deserve it.

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extraordinarymachine

kiz- thanks for the nice words :)

 

I agree that self-image often is what it comes down to. I truly believe that how we see ourselves projects into the world. People who don't think they deserve much won't attract much. People who expect a love story that is incredible, expect that they deserve to have someone who is faithful, loving, and tender in their lives will find it.

 

We ask the universe, ourselves, others for what we really want with our thoughts. Hokey though it may sound, especially to a perpetual cynic and skeptic such as myself, we create the lives we believe we deserve, we believe are the "best we can get." Once we win the battle in our minds and expect out of life exactly what we want most, it begins to happen. It's not just mystical, it's also because people who expect good things act like good things will happen and they both create good things and attract them with their self-positive, freedom-driven living.

 

Anyway I'm rambling, ahah :) you get the point.

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nopainnogain

Sometimes love isnt always on time lol. I feel if I met my ex at her late 20s rather than late teens she would have already explored whats out there(i.e bangin other dudes) we would be happy . She woulda been "settled down ". But then again I wouldnt want a woman with that many miles on them:confused:

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extraordinarymachine
Sometimes love isnt always on time lol. I feel if I met my ex at her late 20s rather than late teens she would have already explored whats out there(i.e bangin other dudes) we would be happy . She woulda been "settled down ". But then again I wouldnt want a woman with that many miles on them:confused:

 

I dunno...I kinda don't buy into the idea that you're ready after a certain age or a certain number of sexual escapades.

 

When it's right, it's right.

 

Maybe I'm just naive. :)

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Great post...

 

Makes sense, but so hard to reason and accept unrequited love. Especially when you were together for so long, and you know they did love you. I keep asking myself what happened, and why did her feelings change?

 

I'm beginning to accept it, but I too often get flashbacks of happy memories of us together.. They sting.

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I keep asking myself what happened, and why did her feelings change?

 

Hate to say it Rep, but you need to stop wondering/asking. You are NEVER going to know what happened or why her feelings changed. And any answer you might get will just be bullsh*t. All you can do is know in your heart that there are reliable, non-fickle, dependable women out there who are looking for the same in a guy such as yourself.

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You're right Kizik.

 

I am struggling still to let it all go. As far I as feel I've come, still have some ways to go. It's the memories that pain me. Can't erase them from my mind. I can only hope with time that they'll just become static memories that won't make me feel overwhelmed as I am now. Just reminds me how much I cared about her.

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I am willing to bet you have some negative memories of how she treated you. I know you think she's great and all... but c'mon. She was a bitch to you at times.

 

The next time one of those good memories jumps into your head, replace it with one of her bitchy ones. That's what I do. I think about how she used to treat me like I embarrassed her, how she used to go into her 'quiet voice' and her 'angry eyes' when she got super pissed off. And I f*cking hated that.

 

See, I'm mad now, instead of nostalgic. F*ck her for making me feel like the scum of the earth. That is inexcusable. What an immature whore.

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Kizik, I always appreciate hearing from you :) You always tell it as it is.

 

I just don't have it in me to hate her. I know another world opened up for her when she relocated, and as hard as it is for me to accept, she wanted more than what I had to offer.

 

I don't want to hold her back. I want her to be free.. To be happy.

 

I'll be ok ~ things are changing and I'm becoming a stronger person. I'm going to make it out as someone better and wiser.

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Look man, there IS no moving on, fully, without SOME anger. No one is asking you to hate her. But you are still idealizing her and her actions, and THAT is unhealthy.

 

You need to recognize the TRUTH of how you were treated. If you were treated great, all the time, then why would she leave?

 

No one leaves without leaving a messy trail of hurt feelings behind. Just think about it. I don't mind being wrong. And I don't hate my ex, just FYI. But I'm realistic enough to recognize that she was unfair and selfish and really did not deserve the attention I paid her.

 

All this "I want her to be happy" sh*t is the Nice Guy in you that you need to let go of. You need to want, what YOU want. Start thinking of your f*cking SELF, Rep, and not her happiness! YOU are number one! YOU!

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Kizik, what you say is probably logical, and the advice I should follow.

 

I'm just too stubburn and still love her - right or wrong. Whether that makes me the 'nice guy', or the dumb one, it's something I can't help. I didn't mean to fall for her, but I did.

 

I've done all I can to try to move on. I even tried dating, and met three women. All of whom tried to follow up with me. I even made out with one. It was desperate attempt to see if I could be with someone else, but each time I got home I cried like a little boy. ****ing pathetic isn't it.

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LikeCharlotte
We all deserve someone who loves us at our best and our worst, and who we partner with to weather the challenges of life.
It took me two (maybe) days to see that I would never again want someone who lacked the strength and integrity needed to be with me. Life is hard sometimes and those who run away from a challenge or are afraid to face adversity will never win because they never take a chance. Thank you for this reminder EM. It's a pleasure to read your posts a nice refreshing return to LS for me. I would like to add that this recent breakthrough about strength has helped me to know that I cannot and will not accept less. I want to be proud of anyone I chose to share my time with and I simply can't respect cowardice.
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Absolutely! Never settle for less. This doesn't mean that accepting less than a perfect person is settling because everyone is flawed. It means never settling for someone who isn't perfect for you, who believes you're perfect for them. In essence, someone who will love, prioritize and cherish you, who you can reciprocate the same to.

 

In so many threads, it appears that people are hurting from others who don't know or can't seem to love deeply. These same types also hurt the ones who are closest to them.

 

If you see anyone who doesn't treat their family and close friends like gold, run for your lives.

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I've done all I can to try to move on. I even tried dating, and met three women. All of whom tried to follow up with me. I even made out with one. It was desperate attempt to see if I could be with someone else, but each time I got home I cried like a little boy. ****ing pathetic isn't it.

 

Everyone's on their own timeline. Don't be hard on yourself for not being ready to move on yet. Plus, it was a loooong R in your case.

 

Also, in your case, it may be a little harder to feel anger because she didn't seem to treat you all that badly during the relationship. What is really worthy of anger is her lack of devotion to you, and that is something that only came out at the very end of the relationship. So now you have to integrate this very new piece of information about her character, her inability to be devoted, to a very long history of what seems to have been mostly decent behavior. It takes time to reconceptualize a person in the light of new information (such as what comes out in a breakup)... but it'll happen. Even for you.

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Ooops, I thread-jacked. But to the OP, thanks for another wonderful thoughtful post. Like your ex, mine basically seems to have gotten bored and wanted to 'play the field'. It's paradoxically both hard and easy when you didn't 'do' something to cause the breakup. Hard because one thing I can't be is another body, another personality, for him to talk to and sleep with. Easy because well, I don't have a huge onus of guilt. Like you also said at another point, the great thing about your ex not valuing the R in the way you did, is that there will be someone else who will.

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You know, I like the sentiment here, and no, I'm not sitting around waiting for an ex to come back, but really that's kind of dumb to say because what else can you do besides date someone new? After my first break up, I went out and dated someone right after I got over him- not because I was planning to, but because this guy *seemed* like the kind of guy you all are talking about here. Now I don't feel like I want to date at all, for God knows how long, because he dumped me after 3 stinking months as well. I am attractive, ambitious, extremely kind and have a strong sense of self and I know I deserve someone who will stick by me. But I don't feel like I'm going to be able to know who that person is- and I won't. The truth is, if your ex comes back and has changed enough to be that person, then is it really anybody else's right to judge you? Its not good to moon over the person, but really, you can't rush being over it. You are when you are, and no sooner. Guilt tripping yourself for still loving your ex just adds another negative emotion to the mix.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating sitting on your ass and wallowing, or having unrealistic expectations. I'm not expecting my ex to come back, and right now I'm so bitter and upset I wish I could rip him a new one, but I'm not going to waste my time telling myself how he didn't deserve me or how somehow that that one special person is going to come along and make everything all better. Maybe they will. Maybe they won't. Maybe that person will be my ex, but statistically that's unlikely. Not impossible, but unlikely. Being angry is a natural thing, but demonizing someone is unnecessary, just as much as putting them up on a pedestal. They left you for a reason, but that doesn't mean they're somehow unworthy of you. It means they made a decision for some reasons, no more.

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