I am the clinical defenition of crazy..

[pickingupthepieces]

Me and my X have been split up for 10 months.. WOW! He couldn't handle me.. my jealousy, controlling etc.. Yeah, that was me hard to explain but I thought I was "saving" him.... I didn't know this at the time. I just woke up one day and LONG story short he does the unthinkable and ends up in the hospital... his family blames me 100%... He never could break up with me, instead he'd rather just not llive.

 

For so long he told me it wasn't my fault.. until recently I found some journal from when he was in the hospital and he pretty much just balmes me for everything. That was SO hard.. I feel like the worst person ever. I mean I love this man more then anything.. I had no idea he had any of these feelings. How could I NOT see this? For the first while when he was in the hospital he wouldn't talk to me, he changed his number etc.... Well I went through months of whats going on.. I chased him and begged him.. you know the normal CRAZY stuff. One minute he was all "I love you" etc.. the next he wouldn't talk to me forever. I did everything and anything I could. It ALL did no good. I had finally got the impression that he hated me.. so that was it I went NC for about 2 months.

 

I started feeling better but missed him like crazy... I contacted him to get my daughters birth certificate that he still had at our house. It took him forvever to get it to me.. he would call just to say he couldn't find it.

 

So anyways I get all of my stuff.. during this time of contact he comes to see when he is drunk and spills everything.. how he loves me and doesn't think he can ever get over me blah, blah, blah. He tells me that he wants to marry me in the Bahamas (which we were supposed to do, as we were engaged). WTF!! Seriously.. anything and EVERYTHING an ex has ever wanted to hear I heard.

 

Well that was awhile ago.. now I ask whats going on and he's like I don't know what I want.... And I said well what are we "doing" as we were getting pretty close again. I love yous etc, hanging out. He's too scared to be in a realtionship and well I don't think either one of us are ready to get into any type of relationship with anyone let alone eachother. Since I have asked what is going on its been different... and it feels like it has gotten so complicated. He's not as interested in me anymore.....

 

I just don't understand if I was that horrible what is he doing with me now? I asked him this and he all he says is I still love you.. so I asked why he said the whole marriage thing and he says cause deep down thats what he wants.. WHAT? I'm going away for awhile with my family and I told him that he could call me when I get back because I feel like I have been sufficating him and myself with all of this. I DON'T want to talk to him.. but it is so hard... Since Friday I have said I wouldn't talk to him until I get back.... but I did we spent the whole long weekend together and it was kind of tense... so I know I need to back off.. why can't I? And what is he doing.. what if I end up putting him in the hospital again.. this whole thing is nuts.. how do I deal with such a complex breakup?