How DOES One Find Closure?

[pleasebelieveme]

I mean, really? How? I would wager that at least the majority of us feel as if we can't "close the door" on that chapter of our lives known as our ex, because we don't know HOW. And, since most of us can't find that closure THROUGH our ex - which really sucks, because that's probably where we think we can get it - we have to find some other outlet that will give us closure.

 

Thoughts?

 

 

-pbm

[gd26]

I hear you. That's where I've been too. I really liked a guy I met recently, but he doesn't think we are compatible. However, he still wants to be my friend (a true friend) and he wants me to share my feelings with him... thinking that he can support me through them. Although I truly value his wanting to be there for me (not many men would do this in the first place), I realize that I can no longer vent my feelings ABOUT him TO him. The only reason I would write long emails to him telling him about the way I feel is if I secretly harbor the hope of things working out between us.... and I realize that I need to move past that, as he has told me clearly that he does not see things working out for us romantically. So even though I genuinely feel that he is someone worth keeping as a friend (as he is a truly wonderful person)... I still have to keep my distance away right now and not allow him to 'support' me on this journey of getting over things. I think deep down I wouldn't like that anyways... as I would feel this power differential between us, and not appreciate being the 'weaker' one (as we were always equals before).

 

Honestly, there really isn't anything you can do other than to keep your distance (hard as it may be). If you try to vent your feelings to the person about him/her, it will only delay your healing. It would only make the other person feel guilty and uncomfortable, because he/she can't do anything to help you get through your feelings for him/her. If you have to talk, you have to talk to other people besides that one person that you still care for.

 

As hard as no contact is, I find that it does get easier over time... especially if you have other things preoccupying your time. Yes, initially you will keep thinking about the other person, but over time, you will spend a lesser part of your day thinking about him/her. In the last few weeks, even though things have been painful (and I'm still not over it), I have found that at least I am spending less time thinking about him... so things are going well. He wrote me an email this weekend (which I just saw today) telling me that I could turn to him to talk about my feelings... and even though I am touched by his kindness (after having men in my past who were totally unwilling to hear my pain)... I know this isn't his responsibility. I didn't respond to his email.... not because I don't care, but simply because I need to pick up my own pieces right now on my own, and cannot turn to him as a friend until I have moved forward sufficiently. Otherwise, I would simply be trying to 'convince' him to give me a chance, but I know that wouldn't help... plus I don't think I need to convince anyone to like me, as I'm a cool girl.

 

Best wishes to you.

[loveinlife]

I mean, really? How? I would wager that at least the majority of us feel as if we can't "close the door" on that chapter of our lives known as our ex, because we don't know HOW. And, since most of us can't find that closure THROUGH our ex - which really sucks, because that's probably where we think we can get it - we have to find some other outlet that will give us closure.

 

Thoughts?

 

-pbm

 

Sometimes there are no closures, one just have to make amends to our sadness. Try to make peace with yourself. I know its hard, easy said than done. I have a few exes and i still think about them. it just gets easier over time. I know, you have probably heard this before.

 

It took me about 3 years to get over my first ex, eventhough i still have feelings for her to this day, the last two years was a on and off relationship thats probably how it is prolonged. It doesn't hurt as much anymore as it once did. My recent ex, i got over her in about 3 months, but we only went out for about 3 months.

 

its different for everyone and whom you are with. Hope everything works out for you. =)

[lizamcfc]

For me, I think I have already found closure and we've only been broken up for 2 weeks.

When my ex ended it I was destroyed; all I wanted to do was win him back. I believed that if he just had some space and time to himself, he'd realise what he was losing and want me back. So I decided, after he used me on Saturday night, that I no longer wished to speak to him. On Monday he called me 4 times; I ignored all, then answered the 5th time, where he said that he'd rang just to talk, his internet's broken, we can't talk on msn... And we talked for a while, and got into an emotional conversation where I told him how I'd been feeling, and that I believed there was still a chance for us. I asked how he'd feel about us going out together, doing things, not getting back together, but as.. more than friends, and he said he'd like that because he'd missed me. At that point, I had to go, promising to call him later.

When I got home and called him, it was a totally different story. He didn't want to know- he told me he'd decided he couldn't even be my friend, that I wasn't to call him again, and that he's going to change his number. He said some really really horrible things to me, things that hurt. And I was totally devastated, again! After the first phonecall I was really really hopeful that we could work things out.

But waking up yesterday, I felt the best I had since the breakup. I don't know what's going through his head - whether the day with no contact between us he panicked that I was getting on with my life and wanted to make sure I still wanted him, or whether he genuinely is just... confused about what he wants. Either way, I've realised that he is no longer my problem. If he doesn't want me, and he just can't bear to imagine me getting my life back together, he's totally selfish, and I'm better off without him. Because that's just warped. And if what he's feeling is confusion, like I said, that's not my problem anymore. I've lived my life around him for the past 4 years, and for the last 2 weeks, I've tried to convince him that he's making a mistake. I'm tired of that. And I'm tired of him. So I deleted him from my msn and barred his number.

And that was my closure. The realisation that... he's just.. not my problem anymore. And that I should get on with my life. And I'm so much happier for that.

[Ingenue]

I know in my situation, closure for me is a multistep process. I'm not going to get it from my ex, so I have to initiate it. The first step for me was blocking him on internet messengers, deleting his phone number, deleting his emails and putting away all the gifts he had given me through the years. That was a mental and physical separation that I needed.

 

A big step towards closure for me was actually hearing, processing and understanding the dumping, in other words changing my attitude. I was dumped, period. There's no negotiation. There's no point of talking it through. He no longer wants a relationship with me. I realised that I wasn't going to patiently wait for this man to explore greener pastures and put my life on hold for the possibility that he might come back. The reality was that after five years, he wasn't sure about us and needed to dump me so he could date others. I'm not going to wait. His emotional demons aren't my problem anymore. It's his loss. Maybe one day he'll regret it and maybe he won't and will find somebody else. Maybe we'll become friends, maybe we won't, but life moves on. I can't control what others do nor can I predict the future. I can only be accountable for my own actions. I realised that I don't need closure from my ex because it can only come from within me.

 

Something Caliguy said in a posting was very poignant and I think of that often. He said, "Never make someone a priority in your life who only sees you as an option." He's right. My time on this earth is limited and I'm not going to spend my time wallowing over a man who only sees me as an option.

 

This perspective is helping me move on. I'm on my way there and haven't quite gotten there completely. I suspect that will come with time. I know I'll be there when I can look at my ex's gifts and just see them as objects divested of any emotional or symbolic connection.

 

In some ways, closure seems over rated. Maybe it's more important to live our lives the best we can.

[Issues & tissues]

I know in my situation, closure for me is a multistep process. I'm not going to get it from my ex, so I have to initiate it. The first step for me was blocking him on internet messengers, deleting his phone number, deleting his emails and putting away all the gifts he had given me through the years. That was a mental and physical separation that I needed.

 

A big step towards closure for me was actually hearing, processing and understanding the dumping, in other words changing my attitude. I was dumped, period. There's no negotiation. There's no point of talking it through. He no longer wants a relationship with me. I realised that I wasn't going to patiently wait for this man to explore greener pastures and put my life on hold for the possibility that he might come back. The reality was that after five years, he wasn't sure about us and needed to dump me so he could date others. I'm not going to wait. His emotional demons aren't my problem anymore. It's his loss. Maybe one day he'll regret it and maybe he won't and will find somebody else. Maybe we'll become friends, maybe we won't, but life moves on. I can't control what others do nor can I predict the future. I can only be accountable for my own actions. I realised that I don't need closure from my ex because it can only come from within me.

 

Something Caliguy said in a posting was very poignant and I think of that often. He said, "Never make someone a priority in your life who only sees you as an option." He's right. My time on this earth is limited and I'm not going to spend my time wallowing over a man who only sees me as an option.

 

This perspective is helping me move on. I'm on my way there and haven't quite gotten there completely. I suspect that will come with time. I know I'll be there when I can look at my ex's gifts and just see them as objects divested of any emotional or symbolic connection.

 

In some ways, closure seems over rated. Maybe it's more important to live our lives the best we can.

 

Fantastic post!!!! Pretty much on the same wave-length although it's taken me 8 months to get there. You are absolutely right, my ex wouldn't give me closure so I took matters into my own hands! And guess what? Life is finally beginning to look up! There is definitely life after being dumped and it's a whole lot better than before I got dumped!

[nopainnogain]

" If you knew me in my past life,dont act like we homeys aint no love in this fast life"

[sumdude]

...

 

In some ways, closure seems over rated. Maybe it's more important to live our lives the best we can.

 

I agree, closure is just a recent buzzword in a way. What exactly is it? I think moving on and healing is all you can do. No one else can help much with it.

 

I did have some conversations with the ex w about what went down. I eventually got the "sorry about how it ended" and "it was half my fault too" phone call. None of that did anything to help me 'close' or move on. That process is totally internal.

 

For example.. If someone runs over your pet and apologizes.. you still have to mourn the loss and heal.

[kizik]

I agree with others here. To find closure, go within yourself. Admit your mistakes but don't be too hard on yourself. Take the ex off the pedestal, forgive them in your heart, if you can. Move on, using the lessons you've learned from the breakup and rejection. Be happy and don't let bitterness creep into your heart.

 

"Always love - hate will get you every time" - Nada Surf

[Rooster_DAR]

I hear you. That's where I've been too. I really liked a guy I met recently, but he doesn't think we are compatible. However, he still wants to be my friend (a true friend) and he wants me to share my feelings with him... thinking that he can support me through them. Although I truly value his wanting to be there for me (not many men would do this in the first place), I realize that I can no longer vent my feelings ABOUT him TO him. The only reason I would write long emails to him telling him about the way I feel is if I secretly harbor the hope of things working out between us.... and I realize that I need to move past that, as he has told me clearly that he does not see things working out for us romantically. So even though I genuinely feel that he is someone worth keeping as a friend (as he is a truly wonderful person)... I still have to keep my distance away right now and not allow him to 'support' me on this journey of getting over things. I think deep down I wouldn't like that anyways... as I would feel this power differential between us, and not appreciate being the 'weaker' one (as we were always equals before).

 

Honestly, there really isn't anything you can do other than to keep your distance (hard as it may be). If you try to vent your feelings to the person about him/her, it will only delay your healing. It would only make the other person feel guilty and uncomfortable, because he/she can't do anything to help you get through your feelings for him/her. If you have to talk, you have to talk to other people besides that one person that you still care for.

 

As hard as no contact is, I find that it does get easier over time... especially if you have other things preoccupying your time. Yes, initially you will keep thinking about the other person, but over time, you will spend a lesser part of your day thinking about him/her. In the last few weeks, even though things have been painful (and I'm still not over it), I have found that at least I am spending less time thinking about him... so things are going well. He wrote me an email this weekend (which I just saw today) telling me that I could turn to him to talk about my feelings... and even though I am touched by his kindness (after having men in my past who were totally unwilling to hear my pain)... I know this isn't his responsibility. I didn't respond to his email.... not because I don't care, but simply because I need to pick up my own pieces right now on my own, and cannot turn to him as a friend until I have moved forward sufficiently. Otherwise, I would simply be trying to 'convince' him to give me a chance, but I know that wouldn't help... plus I don't think I need to convince anyone to like me, as I'm a cool girl.

 

Best wishes to you.

 

Wow! This really hit home and made me realize what I'm going to my recent EX GF. We broke up a couple of months ago but I've been wanting to hold onto her as a true friend, now I realize that's probably not a good thing to do for now.

 

Thanks for the wake up call!

[Nikki Sahagin]

Sometimes, if we are lucky, our ex provides us with the closure we need. Ultimately though, even if we are lucky to have an ex who is honest, understanding and fully communicative about the break-up, it may not give us FULL closure, because we were not the ones to make the decision and thus we can NEVER fully understand it. We must simply be the accepters, the survivors. We were not the ones to make the decision and the change - thus closure for us is not really there.

 

I do genuinely believe the only REAL closure is the cliche of time, because over time, ALL hurts and pains are soothed. It's an eternal process. A bit like water eroding rock. Bit by bit, GRADUALLY, SLOWLY, it just happens. It happens so slowly, that you don't really notice that it's getting better. For days, weeks, months, even years - things may feel NO different for you. It's that agonising waiting game. But we can pariticipate in the process. We can aid time. By keeping time full and busy and engaged. We can be productive in the waiting game.

 

Go out, talk to people, do new things. You might not want to. It might be the last thing you want to do. But by participating in time, by making things happen, you are inadvertently making change. Change so small you won't notice it until you look back.

 

Closure just comes - that is the simple answer. Through talking, through thinking and primarily through ACTING. Sometimes people wont provide our closure for us - in which case, we just have to wait it out. But not by locking ourselves away in our bedrooms crying (though here and there this is helpful) but by getting out and engaging with life and letting those small changes mount up.

[selena_cat]

I wanted and needed Closure so badly but then Time is the real closure, really it takes time, even if it takes a year to get over a relationship do so but keep moving, also, i emailed myself a letter that i couldve sent to him during a time when he was ubelievable a jerk, hey but thats always,so that felt alot better. Write letter,computer is best and dont send it,i read thats great closure and when youre done burn it.

Lik i said Time,great friends and also great movies comming out,thats what keeps me busy!

[0hpenelope]

I won't even go back to any of those exes that did the dumping to "get closure" (I'm not a masochist - I don't like pain!) and I don't want to entertain questions from the males I've broken up with either.

 

Simply put, it's because I know no answer will satisfy me. The only "closures" I've gotten are the ones I've given to myself. I cried a river, I built my bridge, and then I got over it. Man... LS has an archive of old posts that will show the contrast of this really huge disparity in attitude from me. I wonder if the database crash knocked most of it out, though. Maybe it's better that way.

 

Good luck. Find Peace in yourself - not from others.

[nopainnogain]

I found my closure when I found out she gave dome to her coworker.

[nowhereman82]

Ouch that's harsh nopain!

 

But in the end it helped you get over it quicker.

[nopainnogain]

Yes it did hurt. Its been 5 months since we split. Thats why we split. But the last 2 years was crappy anyways. Started when a bunch of fishy maneuvers on her part .Like being "close "with my best friend. But me, I stayed with her because I loved her unconditionally but lost my self respect always trying to please her . Lost myself in the process. She was shady. Took 4 years to figure it out tho. Aint that a b***h. lol

 

Sh*t hit the fan when I found out about her and that quack. She barely new the guy and did that to him. What hurt the most she never did that to me......

 

Used and abused no pain no gain. Still hustlin and still in the game tho.

[BackonTrack]

I was dumped as well. I think my ex viwed me as a option as well.

 

Actually my ex really loved me for a short time but something happen and she ****ed someone else, contiuned ****ing him for about 6 months and eventually deciedd to be with him, i had no idea and when i found out, i broke up with her, i didn't know what to do so i cursed her out, she didn't give up, started texting then emailing me, finally i decieded to make peace and in this time i express my feelings yada yada yada, either way she did a 180 degree u-turn and broke up with me & moved on, haven't heard from her in 5 months.

 

Ok i guess what I am saying is I recieved no closure, I just tell myself that she fell in love with him. Nothing I can do about that once you love someone, you love someone until they do someting to make you not love them.

 

the end.