I feel like such a loser... learn from ME

[pickingupthepieces]

Ok I hate that I am even starting another thread... I always seem to come here for help instead of giving it to others.. makes me feel so selfish and stupid. I just don't know what advice to give everyone because all I do is eff up my own life.. and I don't want someone else here doing that because I gave them dumb a** advice. I am depressed with how often I turn to this place... I mean its been 9 months!!!! I should not be in this state here.. I should be over this and helping everyone else... which is my own fault..I am suck a weak loser... I'm not kidding you... I am completely retarded. I cried for the first time today in a long time.... because of how stupid I am and how I have set myself back. Maybe I just like torture? I'm sorry if this ends up just being this huge babble......I can't control myself. During our bit of contact that we had I did take him of his pedestal (high five for me). I was able to see that even if he was "happy" or pretended to be he did not deserve to be up there. He showed his weakness.. to me and up until now I was ok... I kept my cool. I never let out to much emotion, he honestly probbaly thinks that I am over him. HA boy did I fool him.. until the last time I talked to him (which was Saturday night/Sunday morning). I had called him Sat night and got no answer he called early Sun morning.. going on about h is great time he had out with his family (who I can't stand...).. (this is when I got angry). I don't even know why he called.. maybe he was calling me back. I told him why I called (which in all reality was just an excuse it could of waited until the next time I talked to him). So we were talking and then it went silent and he lost his "talkativeness". I was sad all night..everywhere I looked I saw couples and was missing him ALOT. He said he was going to go (he was just about passing out on the phone) and I just didn't want to let him. I got all sad... he said he wanted to make me happy... all I couls think was well don't pass out and get over here and just hold me... thats what I wanted more then ANYTHING.... We had a couple of newlyweds check-in ( I work at a hotel) and it hit me BAD... its not the wedding I wante dI just couldn't help but be devestated all over again that I had lost him. I know everyone thinks they are the "one". LOL I just was never SO sure.. I've had long term relationships before, but this was SO different...When we were together he would of done ANYTHING for me.. and I think thats what I miss. When we were talking he asked if I wanted him to stop drinking... I don't know what he meant by that.. if he meant for the night or for good... or what. It doesn't matter what I want...(in regards to his drinking). I was such an idiot after seeing the wedding couple and feeling so lonely.. I just about started to cry on the phone.. I didn't but I was close. He hasn't seen me like that for a long time. I was being a total suck and told him I wanted to cuddle with him.... he responded like he was happy I said it... but at that moment I felt like the biggest idiot on the face of the planet. Why did I do that. I am sure that is why he hasn't returned my call. So yesterday Sunday I phoned him but his phone was dead from the night before.. I called 2-3 times and since I couldn't get a hold of him I left a message at his work... to call me if he wanted to get together this week. I told him I didn't know what my schedule was like (since I work so much). I figured he would call after work ... NOPE so I knew I shoudln't of.,.. I knew it but I did it anyways... I called (how needy can I be?) His phone was still dead or off (it goes straight to vm, but records all of his calls even the ones he misses when his phone is off!!) I called twice when he should of just been getting off of work, both went staright to vm. At 7 I was jsut so upset and sad.. I called again so that makes it 3 times today.... this time it rang.. but no answer... I just feel so rejected!.... like horrible and like such a loser. I thought he would of called to make plans... and was SO disappointed when he didn't. I mean I can't be made at the guy... his phone was off or dead.. until sometime this evening. I mean he can't read my mind! Its just when it was o n and he didn't answer I felt like dying.. I felt like he was purposely avoiding me and feel like SUCH an idiot because it even bothers me. I mean I have no reason to be upset.. so I haven't talked to the guy in 2 days.. WTF am I freaking out... I can't concentrate. I am so scared of rejection... I felt like we had been spending to much time together and thought I shoudl/ he should back off.. but I couldn't. He could easily be feeling the same thing. In a way I want to talk to him so bad... in another I want to leave a VM saying something.... I can't even think straight. I don't want to just be there when he NEEDS somebody and is bored or has nothing else to do.. AHHHHH I don't know what to do... but feel like I have to do something... I just don't wnat to do the wrong thing. For right now I have turned my cell off.... I don't get a record of my missed calls.. i think that is good! I am so tempted to leave a message.. MAN this sucks I NEVER thought I would be here ...like this.

 

THIS IS HORRIBLE

 

* For anyone wishing that their ex would just contact them.... DON'T I don't know how many times I have heard other posters say how awful it was.. but I still wanted to hear, pretty much everything my EX HAS told me... the thing is I thought I coudl handle it and walk away with my head held high.. not the case.. they sneak up on you and crush you again... like doing it once wasn't enough for you!

[justine4]

Don't be so hard on yourself. You let down your guard, and showed your emotions. He wasn't hard on you, wasn't rude to you during the phone call, thats all positive. Ringing him up constantly isn't a good idea though.

 

What is the history between you two? Who ended the relationship? If the chance arose - would you want to get back together?

[Nemo]

Breathe...

[kizik]

You need to look in the mirror and realize that you are a person.

 

Yes, this sounds obvious and stupid. But I can guarantee that you don't FEEL like a person right now. You feel like a loser and a waste. All because of how some dude has treated you, how you've let him treat you.

 

Millions of other people out there don't know you, and would treat you well upon first meeting. You are not what you think he sees you as. You are a living, breathing person who has a place on this planet, independent of the douchebag you're crying about.

 

So you learned your lesson: don't contact him. OK, so now you know. In the meantime, realize that your worth in this world is real. You are a person that has the potential to inspire and help others, as well as make friends, have a good time, and be happy!

[pickingupthepieces]

Ok now I'm really crying.... maybe I need too. I just got off of facebook where a bunch of my friends went to the same function as he did on Saturday night (they don't know eachother, and there were hundreds of people there) and everyone was having fun... I just started to cry... did he meet someone? I don't know why I can't get the thought out of my head. I honestly do think he loves me which sucks... because it would be so much easier if he didn't. I don't have areason to be MAD at him.... he just hasn't called me back. Thats not such a BIG deal. I didn't return his call until a couple of days after and did he freak out like this.. NO. It wasn't that I was trying to be rude... but then again he wasn't calling constantly. The thing is I do want to contact him. We have a chance at being friends... and I would never think he would purposely treat me badly. He has showed emotions numerous amounts of times. I was thinking of leaving my phone off for while so I don't get tempted and then call hiim in a couple of days thurs/fri ish.?? Or shoudl I just break off ALL contact?

 

J- the history is complicated.. very. No one really broke up with anyone. His parents changed the locks on his house (that I lived in) while he was in the hospital. I hate to admit it.. but I would want to try again... I never thought i would ever feel that way.. I see him for who he really is now.. and still love him. Thats horrible... I know I shoudln't want to try .. I HATE myself for it.. and know EVERYONE here will think its completely wrong, but I have to be honest.. it is something I would do.

[pickingupthepieces]

I HATE that I shouldn't contact him because ... I just want to so badly and I am SO mad at myself... not him.... it woudl be weird to just NOT contact him again becuase I didn't hear from him for two days... shoudl I avoid him if he calls me? I won't even know if he DOES call because my phone is off and I don't have VM

[pickingupthepieces]

I am looking for anyone and everyones opinion on this... I have come to realize that though we are all going through similar things here.... we all have totally different opinions and am COMPLETELY lost on what to do here. I'm not looking for any one specififc answer... I am just hoping to get a bunch of different views to maybe help guide me towards a GOOD decision.

[pickingupthepieces]

I did the rebound thing already..... had SEX and a relationship (before my ex) well I got rid of him after about 2 months.. I was not into it at all... I feel sorry for the guy, because I feel like I used him... well I guess I did

[kizik]

You're welcome...

[pickingupthepieces]

You're welcome...

 

What for?????

[superfox]

Hi there,

 

You are really being hard on yourself. This life isn't easy but it is what you make of it. You need to think positive thoughts. Think about how great you are and your good qualities get the negative out. Do not let this guy define who you are. You define who you ARE. Even if that means using this experience to help you find who you are. Maybe the reason you don't want to let him off the phone is because you have attatchment issues stemming from an earlier part of your life or a previous relationship? Let yourself explore patterns that you have in relationships and make the next one better. Don't worry about this guy worry about YOU. Yes you stumbled you fell down but you can get back up!!! Don't have any contact with him until you are over him and it doesnt upset you to see him with another girl then you will know you really dont give any care to him. Don't be sad wake up smile and think of good things you have in life!!!

[Nevermind]

kizik:

 

pieces: Alright. You did, what I did, just for a little longer.

 

Now. Cut.The.Contact.

 

Delete his numbers, delete his texts. Delete his e-mails. Pack everything he owned, gave you, has a connection to him in a box and put it somewhere else (preferably a friend's house). Block his e-mail and calls. Yes, block them. He isn't good for you, and at this point you need to go cold turkey.

 

Go take a deep breath. Get busy. The key word is change. Take a look a yourself and at your house. Your surroundings. Maybe paint the walls a different colour. Go and get a new hair cut. Buy some clothes, or a perfume. Make plans, for yourself and with friends. Change. Not who you are, because you are good and don't need to change ever, but change your life.

 

Write lists. Things you want to do, etc. Hang them up in your place.

 

Don't allow yourself to be down any longer.

[sultry33]

hi op, i know what your feeling.. you said be easier if he didnt love you.. something like that.. yep i think that too as my ex said that to me.. that know he still loves me more... really hurts.

 

i stopped the contact, but did send one last drunk text.. basically telling him he didnt love me! how could he if he wont come back?

im glad he didnt reply to it.. he knows i need to heal as does he..

 

you need to do as above for your own sanity.. go nc.. delete his number.

ive done this, then i wont text or call.. im done chasing, hurting.

 

be strong x

[LikeCharlotte]

It's time to walk away me thinks...

I'll be back a little later to say some more. I'll give it some thought. For now this is my opinion. Feel better... do something fun and try to get your mind off him.

[CailinPig]

pickingupthepieces,

I completely understand how you feel. you feel like such a loser. you're probably embarassed at yourself and ashamed and angry that you let this happen. It's not easy. But don't beat yourself up over it. You're better than that.

[LikeCharlotte]

Ok I hate that I am even starting another thread... I always seem to come here for help instead of giving it to others. I just don't know what advice to give everyone. I am depressed with how often I turn to this place... I mean its been 9 months!!!! I should not be in this state here.. I should be over this and helping everyone else... which is my own fault. I cried for the first time today in a long time.... because of how I have set myself back. Maybe I just like torture? I'm sorry if this ends up just being this huge babble......I can't control myself.

 

During our bit of contact that we had I did take him of his pedestal (high five for me). I was able to see that even if he was "happy" or pretended to be he did not deserve to be up there. He showed his weakness.. to me and up until now I was ok... I kept my cool. I never let out to much emotion, he honestly probbaly thinks that I am over him. HA boy did I fool him.. until the last time I talked to him (which was Saturday night/Sunday morning). I had called him Sat night and got no answer he called early Sun morning.. going on about h is great time he had out with his family (who I can't stand...).. (this is when I got angry).

 

I don't even know why he called.. maybe he was calling me back. I told him why I called (which in all reality was just an excuse it could of waited until the next time I talked to him). So we were talking and then it went silent and he lost his "talkativeness". I was sad all night..everywhere I looked I saw couples and was missing him ALOT. He said he was going to go (he was just about passing out on the phone) and I just didn't want to let him. I got all sad... he said he wanted to make me happy... all I could think was well don't pass out and get over here and just hold me... thats what I wanted more then ANYTHING.

 

We had a couple of newlyweds check-in ( I work at a hotel) and it hit me BAD... its not the wedding I wanted I just couldn't help but be devastated all over again that I had lost him. I know everyone thinks they are the "one". LOL I just was never SO sure. I've had long term relationships before, but this was SO different. When we were together he would of done ANYTHING for me and I think thats what I miss. When we were talking he asked if I wanted him to stop drinking... I don't know what he meant by that. If he meant for the night or for good... or what. It doesn't matter what I want (in regards to his drinking).

 

After seeing the wedding couple and feeling so lonely. I just about started to cry on the phone. I didn't but I was close. He hasn't seen me like that for a long time. I told him I wanted to cuddle with him.... he responded like he was happy I said it. Why did I do that? I am sure that is why he hasn't returned my call.

 

So yesterday Sunday I phoned him but his phone was dead from the night before. I called 2-3 times and since I couldn't get a hold of him I left a message at his work to call me if he wanted to get together this week. I told him I didn't know what my schedule was like (since I work so much). I figured he would call after work ... NOPE so I knew I shouldn't of,.. I knew it but I did it anyways... I called (how needy can I be?) His phone was still dead or off (it goes straight to vm, but records all of his calls even the ones he misses when his phone is off!!) I called twice when he should of just been getting off of work, both went straight to vm. At 7 I was just so upset and sad.. I called again so that makes it 3 times today.... this time it rang.. but no answer... I just feel so rejected!

 

I thought he would of called to make plans and I was SO disappointed when he didn't. I mean I can't be mad at the guy... his phone was off or dead until sometime this evening. I mean he can't read my mind! Its just when it was on and he didn't answer I felt like dying. I felt like he was purposely avoiding me and feel like an idiot because it even bothers me. I mean I have no reason to be upset. So I haven't talked to the guy in 2 days.. WTF am I freaking out. I can't concentrate. I am so scared of rejection.

 

I felt like we had been spending too much time together and thought I should/ he should back off but I couldn't. He could easily be feeling the same thing. In a way I want to talk to him so bad... in another I want to leave a VM saying something.... I can't even think straight. I don't want to just be there when he NEEDS somebody and is bored or has nothing else to do.. AHHHHH I don't know what to do but feel like I have to do something... I just don't wnat to do the wrong thing.

 

For right now I have turned my cell off. I don't get a record of my missed calls. I think that is good! I am so tempted to leave a message.. MAN this sucks I NEVER thought I would be here like this.

 

THIS IS HORRIBLE

 

* For anyone wishing that their ex would just contact them.... DON'T I don't know how many times I have heard other posters say how awful it was.. but I still wanted to hear, pretty much everything my EX HAS told me... the thing is I thought I coudl handle it and walk away with my head held high.. not the case.. they sneak up on you and crush you again... like doing it once wasn't enough for you!

I'm going to edit out all the times you call yourself a loser then give my opinion. Above is the edit. I like it better this way.

[LikeCharlotte]

This second edit will highlight all the answers I think you already have.

 

I hate that I am even starting another thread. I mean its been 9 months!!!! I should not be in this state here. I can't control myself.

 

During our bit of contact that we had I did take him of his pedestal (high five for me). I never let out to much emotion, he honestly probbaly thinks that I am over him. HA boy did I fool him.

 

I told him why I called (which in all reality was just an excuse it could of waited until the next time I talked to him). he said he wanted to make me happy.

 

I know everyone thinks they are the "one". I just was never SO sure.

 

I just about started to cry on the phone. I told him I wanted to cuddle with him. He responded like he was happy I said it. Why did I do that? I am sure that is why he hasn't returned my call.

 

I called 2-3 times and since I couldn't get a hold of him I left a message at his work to call me if he wanted to get together this week. I told him I didn't know what my schedule was like (since I work so much).

 

I thought he would of called to make plans and I was SO disappointed when he didn't. I mean I can't be mad at the guy... his phone was off or dead until sometime this evening. I mean he can't read my mind! Its just when it was on and he didn't answer I felt like dying. I felt like he was purposely avoiding me and feel like an idiot because it even bothers me. I mean I have no reason to be upset. So I haven't talked to the guy in 2 days.. WTF am I freaking out. I can't concentrate. I am so scared of rejection.

 

I felt like we had been spending too much time together and thought I/he should should back off but I couldn't.

 

For right now I have turned my cell off. I don't get a record of my missed calls. I think that is good! I am so tempted to leave a message.. MAN this sucks I NEVER thought I would be here like this.

One more edit and I think I may have an answer...

[LikeCharlotte]

I can't control myself. he honestly probbaly thinks that I am over him. HA boy did I fool him.

 

he said he wanted to make me happy. I know everyone thinks they are the "one". I just was never SO sure.

 

I told him I wanted to cuddle with him. He responded like he was happy I said it.

 

I thought he would of called to make plans and I was SO disappointed when he didn't. I mean I can't be mad at the guy. his phone was off or dead until sometime this evening. I mean he can't read my mind!

 

I felt like he was purposely avoiding me. I mean I have no reason to be upset. So I haven't talked to the guy in 2 days.. WTF am I freaking out. I can't concentrate. I am so scared of rejection.

Ok next I will give my opinion, if it isn't obvious.

[LikeCharlotte]

Hi pup. I think you are feeling very insecure and not seeing the forest through the trees here. You acted aloof and pretended to want friendship so he is backing off. You are probably confusing him very much. It seems like he was really liking you again while you were in control.

 

Here is my suggestion... get your control of yourself back, admit what you really want and approach him with it honestly. If he rejects you you will know once and for all. Do NC for a bit if you need to but let him know why so he doesn't think you are a crazy person. If you feel so upset and confused you won't be able to see clearly. No matter what if you want him to be your friend or bf you have to be honest with him and you have to get hold of yourself. Something is going on with you that you need to work on... whatever it is it is making you feel very bad about yourself and that isn't good at all.

 

Keep us updated!

[pickingupthepieces]

Thanks! Well I haven't been on for a couple of days and the anxiety has kind of drifted. I am going to school in the fall and need to hand in a paper for my co-op (part of my first year) that is actually on his computer. He said before that he saved everything of mine off of the computer. I need to have it handed in by the 30th so I can get everything registered for my 2nd year. So I called him and asked him to get it to me on Tuesday, whne I finally got ahold of him.. he was still at work working late. He told me he was going to call me on his way home. I was kind of cold which I regret now.. but just kept the focus on the school stuff that I needed. I haven't talked to him since Tues. but left a "reminder" message (because he forgets EVERYTHING). So hopefully he will get me my stuff by Mond.

 

I do have really low self esteem. I DO need to get in control again... I need to relax and STOP stressing out about everything.. I have always been taht way, I worry 24/7. I left a message earlier today that wasn't so nice... but called and left another message to apologize. I felt stupid calling again to apologize... but felt llike I needed to. Its not his fault I am like this.. I think the two jobs and trying to get everything settled for me to start school (been a LONG complicated process for me) has made me on edge. I have noticed I have been having problems at work and have been snapping at everyone for little things\, I guess I am just irritable. Hopefully I can get a grip on myself ASAP. I am hoping to talk to him when he drops my school stuff off. I just don't know how?? Any suggestions?

 

BTW hows the move going LC"?

[LikeCharlotte]

Thanks! Well I haven't been on for a couple of days and the anxiety has kind of drifted. I am going to school in the fall and need to hand in a paper for my co-op (part of my first year) that is actually on his computer. He said before that he saved everything of mine off of the computer. I need to have it handed in by the 30th so I can get everything registered for my 2nd year. So I called him and asked him to get it to me on Tuesday, whne I finally got ahold of him.. he was still at work working late. He told me he was going to call me on his way home. I was kind of cold which I regret now.. but just kept the focus on the school stuff that I needed. I haven't talked to him since Tues. but left a "reminder" message (because he forgets EVERYTHING). So hopefully he will get me my stuff by Mond.

 

I do have really low self esteem. I DO need to get in control again... I need to relax and STOP stressing out about everything.. I have always been taht way, I worry 24/7. I left a message earlier today that wasn't so nice... but called and left another message to apologize. I felt stupid calling again to apologize... but felt llike I needed to. Its not his fault I am like this.. I think the two jobs and trying to get everything settled for me to start school (been a LONG complicated process for me) has made me on edge. I have noticed I have been having problems at work and have been snapping at everyone for little things\, I guess I am just irritable. Hopefully I can get a grip on myself ASAP. I am hoping to talk to him when he drops my school stuff off. I just don't know how?? Any suggestions?

 

BTW hows the move going LC"?

I'm exhausted and I still have lots to do but I'm looking forward to a new beginning. You should see someone about the anxiety. It's great that you see it is messing you up. Now you just have to get it in check. You sound better.

[pickingupthepieces]

New beginning ARE always fun... Moving does seem to take so much out of you too! I moved a couple of months ago.. and am not looking to do it anytime soon! I actually made an appointment today to talk to someone about the anxiety...so we'll see how that goes, I know its not healthy and seems to be consuming my life, which is not a good thing. We'll see how it goes.. I still feel bad for being like that, but not much I can do.. I mean I DID apologize.... and that took alot.

[LikeCharlotte]

You are getting there and picking up speed.

[pickingupthepieces]

I broke today.... bad. He called this morning to tell me he couldn't find my paper. I started to freak kind of. He said maybe I could just redo it.. he could take a laptop from work and we could get something figured out. He said he woudl call me later. Well I couldn't wait till later. I called later and well left a message that I 100% shouldn't of. He never called at all. I feel horrible.. so what do I do, make myself feel worse, I call him when he's supposed to be done work.. no answer. Later on while I am working I see his car the local pub .. which is the usual situation. I left a note on his car telling him not to worry about the school report (my mom found it on HER comp). Then I cracked,.. I haven't had a chance to really talk to him and I really wanted to be honest. SO I called and left a COUPLE of messages../.... yeah now I look like an idiot... please help... I have LOST control