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Part venting, part question - dealing with a crush


mysocalledlife

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mysocalledlife

I am wondering if anyone can give me some input on my situation.

 

My wife and I have a very small circle of friends that we have gotten to know over the last couple of years. While she has a few friends from work, I don't, so these friends are really it for me.

 

Over the last year I developed a crush on one of our friends, but didn't think much of it. A while ago, this friend ended a LTR. Then recently, she started dating again. When I learned she was dating again, I was crushed. I haven't felt that sad in years. Ever since, I can't stop thinking about her. I know it's irrational, but can't stop.

 

Now, to make matters more interesting, I haven't felt anything like this since before I met my wife. This has also made me wake up and realize that my wife and I are through, which isn't really surprising, since we have been living as just roomates for as long as I can remember.

 

However, there is a very good chance that we will remain as friends, or at least as somewhat friends, for some time. I also expect that we will continue to have contact with these friends, including the woman in question, as we have some ongoing, long-term commitments with them.

 

So the NC thing isn't really an option to deal with these feelings, as it would mean NC with the only friends I have around here and skipping out on tasks I had agreed to.

 

Getting that out feels a little better. Anyone have any other suggestions?

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BalancenLuv20

Hmmm this is an interesting one...I think either way you deal with this my friend that there are going to be some consequences in your actions...if you stay married, you'll continue to be discontent which you say you are, but if you separate from your wife and then pursue this girl in your group of friends, it could bring a lot of resentment around the circle and cause you the risk of losing them all in your life. The first thing I would do is have a talk with your wife that you are unhappy with your marriage and since it sounds like you want out, do what you have to do to get out and be civil about it. From there, I would take some time to find things that make you happy and get yourself out there and meet some other people.

 

If you're still unhappy and are still interested in this girl in your circle, i would then be upfront with this love interest you have and tell her how you feel and see what she has to say and if she is interested and if you both agree it would be appropriate to see each other after seperating your wife, take things from there, but give it sufficient time and be considerate of your wife's feelings...you are walking on thin ice here, but do what you have to do to find happiness in your life, just be careful in this situation...

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mysocalledlife

Thanks for the reply BalancenLuv20. I had already reached a lot of the same conclusions, but it certainly helps to hear it from someone else as well. Especially since I can't talk to anyone about this situation.

 

I have been thinking about ending things with my wife for some time, and we have even talked around the issue without actually discussing it. I guess I have been in an emotional coma of sorts for a while, and it took these overwhelming feelings to wake me up and make me really want to act on it. I hope we can separate in a civil fashion, and I will certainly do everything I can in that regard (I hope, and think, that we can handle things that way, considering how long we have been together.

 

For that, and other reasons, I did not, and still do not, intend to ever act on this crush, as much as a part of me wants to. The problem is, I really need to find a way to balance these incredibly powerful feelings with the reality of my situation and keep this woman, and the rest of the group as friends.

 

I have to say, posting really helped a lot, as did your response, but I have a way to go. I am trying to keep my distance from this woman, who I doubt has any clue about any of this, but there is a fine line, as I want, and need, to maintain contact with the group.

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Seriously. I don't know your details, but lots of people in long term marriages feel they're 'in an emotional coma' and then meet/fantasize about someone. You could possibly be projecting all of your wildest desire on that person . You have no idea how it would aCTUALLY be in a relationship. This fantasy that occupies your quiet moments (or maybe even your working day) is a form of escape from the problem at hand: your failing marriage.

 

you owe it to yourself (and believe me it will hurt a long way down the line if you don't cope with this now) to at least look at your current relationship and give it every last opportunity to work. If you do that, then you know you've walked away with dignity - and even then it still hurts like hell - even as the dumper. I did this and decided after about 1 year of trying that in fact, I had chosen a husband that I had known when I was 14 - he was my family, more my brother than my husband. I had not chosen, but clung to him through a terrible time and he to me. There was love, sure. BIG love. Romeo and Juliet stuff. But when I had two girls and neared 30, I realised that the choices I made way back then were not the same choices I would have made had I dating normally as most girls I know throughout my teens/twenties and decided to marry later when everything else, including career was in place. But we left that relationship reasonably (still fought alot though) amicably and are amicable now with no fighting at all after the first year because we honoured the marriage we entered enough to give it what we had and then when it didn't work, we didn't cheat (had thoughts oh sure). That is key.

 

I think it's important that you understand why you are walking and do it firmly and cleanly. There was one period a few months after my ex husband and I split that he coudl have won me back and one night we even slept together -but in the end, i didn't want it. I could have strung him out forever waiting for the final word on the subject. But I told him the truth about a week later, when he asked me very calmly what was going on because he was in pain: I didn't want to get back with him and I met someone else that I had not even had one date yet with but I knew that it was right and that we weren't. It hurt us both like hell, but it was so true and honest and he saw my regret and pain in telling him and even bucked up and said "you are not a bad person" which is what I kept repeating. I think he was ready to let go too, but didn't know how, all we'd ever known was one another.

 

Sorry to waffle on, but I guess what I am saying is this. You are changing, coming awake as a person. Make sure that you do not invest all your newfound ideas, confidence, feeling of vitality in another person. That is coming from you! Sure she may be awesome, but it's those parts of yourself that RESPOND to that awesomeness that you need to focus on. So focus back on you and shut that out. Autopsy your relationship. See what's wrong and if it can be revived. If it can't, and you truly truly believe that (and I think you should see a therapist too before you make that decision), then make the cut.

 

Good luck and keep us posted.

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mysocalledlife

Thank you datingmum for your advice.

 

One of the interesting things about this crush is that I never had feelings like this for my wife, even in the very beginning. No "BIG love" as you call it. In retrospect, I now realize that I got swept up in my wife's feelings, which of course, turned out to be a big mistake for both of us in the long run. But then again, there is a reason for the saying, "hindsight is 20/20".

 

Having realized this, I now have to deal with the guilt I feel for not seeing this sooner and letting things plod along for so long.

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Interesting that you only focused on the Big love bit.

 

You see, be careful not to confuse the feelings you have for this woman with the same feelings she will be arousing of 'fear'. The rush of adrenaline you will experience for her are heightened because of the threatening nature of the relationship.

 

The most balanced thing you can do at this stage is:

 

avoid all contact with her for a period of time. do whatever it takes to get out of things.

 

google "marriagebuilders" and search for articles on emotional affairs/infidelity. see how these things work, how they build and whether or not your feelings are based in reality.

 

Good luck!

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I'm only 24 so I know very little about marriage and my own recent destruction of a relationship indicates I probably shouldn't give advice on anything. Still, they sometimes say smart people (and I really hope I'm one) can be good at giving advice on things that don't concern them even if they suck at their own life. So, listen at your own peril:

 

Before you pursue this other woman, you really have to get your head strait about your current relationship with your wife. Out of curiosity, how long have you been together and how old were you when you started dating and got married? Also, please tell us a bit more about the relationship.

 

You see, from what I understand, it's very easy to develop crushes on other people because you don't actually have to make it work in the long term. It's not a relationship you're falling in love with, it's a fantasy. One that you control and that'll turn out any way you want it because it's in your head. You don't know how you and this other woman would work. You also don't have to deal with the many hardships that even the best relationships have as long as it's just a fantasy. Letting what you assume you could have interfear with what you actually have is dangerous.

 

The bigger issue is how you feel about your wife. You say you never had the BIG LOVE but how do you define that? You never felt you were in love with her? You never pictured you two having a life together? If things were always like this then how could you walk down the isle in the first place (not trying to scold, asking a serious questions)? It seems like first and formost you need to find out if you really love your wife. Not in comparison to how you feel about this other woman but just the two of you. Do you love her? This is going to require some serious soul searching but it's really imparitive that you do it and do so free of outside influence.

 

It's horribly unfair to your wife if you leave her before you know how you really feel. It's also horribly unfair to this new woman if you try to start a relationship with her if you don't have a strong grasp of your feelings. Get yourself squared away first before you make any decisions. This may require counseling on your part or it may just require some time alone. Perhaps take a vacation by yourself to sort things out (if you need an excuse, tell your wife your struggling with some things you'd rather not speak about and need to be alone).

 

Just don't make any rash decisions before you understand your own motivations a little better. Also try watching High Fidelity since it kind of deals with where you're at.

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mysocalledlife

datingmum, I am not sure I understand what you mean by "be careful not to confuse the feelings you have for this woman with the same feelings she will be arousing of 'fear'. And unfortunately, while I can limit my contact with this woman (and have), I can not avoid her entirely, as that would mean avoiding the couple of friends that I have.

 

In any event, she knows nothing of my feelings, and I would never say anything until things between my W and I are settled. Heck, I probably wouldn't even say anything then, as I would not want to risk losing the few friends I have. I also know in my head that these feelings are somewhat illusory, and that it would be foolish to act on them at this point, if ever.

 

MalachiX, whether you know much about marriage or not, you raise several good points.

 

After thinking about things and reading quite a few posts here on LS, I am planning on trying some IC before I actually do anything, but I am fairly sure I know what the result will be. We have known each other for about 15 years, married for about 14, have not had sex or even kissed in about 12 years. While I care for my wife and love her in a certain way, the slight spark that was there so long ago has long been extinguished and I don't think I can, or want, to get it back.

 

At a minimum, she deserves better.

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NO SEX FOR TWELVE YEARS?!?!?!?

 

I'm so sorry to hear that... I had no idea that the whole picture looked like that.

 

Why have you stayed in this marriage? Have you had any flings/affairs? Prostitutes? Seriously, I'm not meaning to offend you in asking these personal questions, but we are anonymous here. That is amazing. How old are you?

 

 

What I meant by the feeling is this: sometimes people equate the rush of adrenaline that comes from fear with the giddy rush of crush/love. This happens because they are in a relationship and having these feelings for someone else creates a dilemma - the fear of reaching out and possibly being rejected, the fear of hurting the marriage partner, the fear of touching a real part of yourself and allowing it come forward.

 

Also, in my experience, when we are in a position in our life where we are static, or stagnant rather, and we come out of it and begin to change, we often:

 

1. Notice other people that have the qualities that excite the new us and are flattered when that attention is returned

1a. Project all of our newfound confidence and excitement onto other people, wherein they take on the qualities we find so exciting in ourselves, this can be very deceiving

2. Focus completely on the negatives in our current partnership in order to justify a way out and feel that the awakened 'us' goes unnoticed in the marriage partner's eyes

3. Find out later that what we probably should have done is turn around and face our partner and sort out our issues and fight for it until we know that there is no where left to go but away from it.

 

Why? Because we meant that commitment in our hearts when we made it (i'm assuming this about your story of course). For richer, for poorer, for better for worse, in sickness and in health. 12 years of not having sex is certainly a sickness. Where is this coming from? Is she rejecting you? Are there reasons why?

 

I personally went through 1 -3 above. Because I examined and tried and marriage counselled and really really tried to give and get what was needed, basically earned my way out of it, I say from the bottom of my heart that I feel no regret or sadness about it. And that is how you want to feel too, believe me. Life is tough enough out here alone without the gut-wrenching 'what-ifs' and guilt arising from an incomplete process.

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I am planning on trying some IC before I actually do anything, but I am fairly sure I know what the result will be. We have known each other for about 15 years, married for about 14, have not had sex or even kissed in about 12 years.

 

 

I'm new here so what's IC?

 

More importantly, why exactly do you think you've gone 12 years without sex or kissing and now only think something is wrong. Once again, I'm not trying to be condescending but, if that's the case, it seems like there may be much bigger issues that your not dealing with. Those two things are pretty essential for any relationship. Are there special circumstances we're missing.

 

Good luck.

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mysocalledlife
I'm new here so what's IC?

 

Independent counseling. And we are both about 40.

 

Its been so long I can't really remember clearly how it all went down, but here is what I recall. We are almost perfect complete opposites personality and tempermant wise. At first, when things were going good this worked really well for us. But then, as the glow wore off and real life crept in, our different ways of dealing with life and difficult situations became a real problem.

 

For example, when fighting, she will call names and say things she doesn't mean just to cause hurt. She lets it all hang out with the idea that whatever is said in the heat of the moment doesn't count. While I have learned, by necessity, how to do this with her, it is far from my natural way, and especially early on, I resented her both for her style of fighting and because of the way I felt I had to fight to be able to hold my own with her.

 

Needles to say, it didn't take all that long before our differences were causing real deep anger, hurt and resentment on my part. I think I pulled away first and stopped initiating any romantic contact. Of course, that hurt her, and she got angry and resentful and then if I did try and initiate something, she pulled back. Around this time we tried some MC, and at first it helped, but then my W felt that we didn't need it anymore and the the C was "taking my side".

 

At first I was okay with that, as things seemed to be gradually getting better between us. But it wasn't long before things went right back to the same patterns. And the walls I had started building went up even quicker, and even thicker.

 

I look back now and realize that was probably when I should have moved on. But I didn't, probably because of my own self-esteem issues. So I went numb, moving from day to day without any real purpose or meaning until this crush suddenly woke me up without warning.

 

ETA - no flings, affairs, prostitutes, etc. For me sex is just as much about emotions and intimacy than the physical connection, if not more so. So, it would take a full on EA for me to get satisfaction, and that was/is something I just am not prepared to do, both for my sake and W.

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Yeah, really feels like you have a LOT to deal with in regaurds to THIS relationship. With what you've described, it seems like you'll want to end it and really try to figure out what went wrong. It's gonna take you some time to get over things but I wouldn't try to seek out anyone knew until you have your head together.

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