tinker Posted February 5, 2008 Share Posted February 5, 2008 (edited) Me and my ex broke up a few months ago, and I have been litterally struggling ever since. I have been trying to meet new people, hang out with old friends that I lost contact with, and even been working out every now and then. Anyways one of the things that I did from time to time was compare my last ex to someone else who I used to have strong feelings for. I didn't do it alot, but it came up a few times. The biggest fight was when I sang in front of some people, and I didn't get any support, any love, and I was hurt. I told her that my last ex at least appreciated my singing and told me she liked it. I guess I shouldn't have done that. Its not even like I really mean to do it. I guess I just had such strong feelings for both girls that I bring up things that have happend in my past. Today I told her that I was desperately trying to get over her, and I was wondering if she is talking to another guy, or dating or whatever. I told her that the way that I got over the first ex was when she told me that she was into another guy. It hurt like hell at first, but for some reason it really helped me move on. Even though I knew she didn't want to be with me anymore, and that it wasn't going to work at least I had the physical evidence in front of me, and knowing that she was with someone completely shattered the hope of ever getting back together with her. When I tried to explain this to my recent ex she basically told me that I was still comparing her to the other ex even after we broke up, which is true in a sense, but really all I want to do is get over her. I feel like if she is with another man it would help. All she did was get mad at me. Should I never have said a thing at all like that to her even after I made it clear to her that all I want to do is be over this? Has anyone else done this before? I know that when you are with someone sometimes they do certain things that will remind you of another ex. Perhaps I just made the mistake of telling her these things. Im the type of person that will tell you anything that is on my mind. Im really open and honest, and I think in these cases it definitely back fired. Anyone else been through this, or compared two former loves? Please help me on this one. It has been a terrible start to the week. Edited February 5, 2008 by tinker Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted February 5, 2008 Share Posted February 5, 2008 You sort of have two different issues going here. The first is unfavorably comparing your partner with your ex while you were together. I don't know how to explain it to you any better than: don't do it. Without having to observe a hurt reaction from her - just considering the scenario in your head - do you really not get the impact of the difference between "I was hurt that you didn't support me in my singing" and "well, my ex used to support me when I sang?" At that moment, the feeling she gets from your words is as if you are saying you'd be better off with your ex. And don't count on "oh, she knows better; after all I'm with her..." At that moment, it cuts as if you are saying otherwise, and it undermines her trust in you and her own self confidence in your relationship. First step: you don't have to say everything that pops into your head. You may think that makes you "open and honest," but without the filters of objectivity and empathy, it also makes you insensitive. Your other issue - related but separate - is talking about the old ex with your new ex after the breakup, by way of trying to "get over her." Getting over her is now your job, and yours alone. You may hope she'll get with another guy to make it easier for you to move on, but really, (1) by doing that, you're putting your well-being and recovery in the hands of fateful occurrences so far outside yourself, that you essentially give up any control over your own fate, and (2) talking to her about it in these terms just once again rubs her on her raw nerves, and demonstrates your insensitivity. If it's over, accept it and move on. Don't rely on her for your recovery; don't even talk to her unless you have some compelling non-relationship-related need to do so. Link to post Share on other sites
Haohmaru Posted February 5, 2008 Share Posted February 5, 2008 I definitely want more exs to compare, myself. The more you know...right? NBC thinks I'm right. Go get some more exs!! Link to post Share on other sites
Always Wrong Posted February 5, 2008 Share Posted February 5, 2008 Hey Tinker, I say too much trying to be understood as well. Trimmer is absolutely right, the whole "former ex" comparison isn't condusive to communication, and recovery is our job alone, in these circumstances. Link to post Share on other sites
Haohmaru Posted February 5, 2008 Share Posted February 5, 2008 More Exs!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Always Wrong Posted February 5, 2008 Share Posted February 5, 2008 More Exs!!! As many as you can get! Just don't tell them about each other... Link to post Share on other sites
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