can't function

[stumbling]

Hi

 

Been reading the forums here for a month now, but have never posted anything like this before. My girlfriend and I (both early 30's) were together for 3 years, and lived together for the last year and a half. I never had any other thoughts except that this was it, and we talked about marriage often. This, for me, was the last woman I thought I was ever going to be with, no doubts...About a month ago, we had an argument and within 30 minutes, I was told "I don't love you anymore," and "you need to move out ASAP." I left bewildered but thinking this could not last but a few hours, but she meant it, and within four days in a daze, I had a new apartment many miles away, and my life as I new it was destroyed. (Keep in mind that one minute prior to this arguement, I had NO IDEA that my life would or could change in the blink of an eye, one hour later all had come crashing down). I have a very, very hard time comprehending how one person can just be okay with extracting another from their life so quickly...

 

Without rehashing all the details about our relationship, or even trying yet to reflect on my inability to see this coming (we fought just like other couples, but she was very heated and I was very defensive - always, though there was deep, true love always), I really now just need some advice from people here on how to survive this. I accept now that this is over and, after stupidly showing her tears and pleading to no avail, I've been in NC mode for two weeks now. Problem is, every day is getting worse. I have few friends to support me, am trying to adjust to lonely life far from the comfortable home that I loved, have zero self esteem right now and just deeply miss an entire life and future that I had no clue was about to ripped away from me. Everything changed in an instant, and I am getting sicker with each day.

 

It's been almost a month now, and NC for 2 weeks, but it gets worse each day - sleeping is disjointed, I have dropped 15lbs (there's no more available to drop), am having difficulty keeping it together at work (where through connections, I might run into her in the future), I pull over my car and hide to cry uncontrollably...absolutely pathetic, but no control. On top of this, I stay in a state of nausea obsessing about her sleeping with someone else in the bed in the home I used to call mine (although I have no idea if there was someone else waiting in the wings on this, will never know). I really feel like there is no hiding from this, that I'll never get anything as good again, and that even if I ever did date again that I would never trust that they would not just change their mind and *poof* disappear on me.

 

I didn't post many details about the relationship because I'm in crisis mode and need help and advice for the here and now - will this end? what if everything keeps getting worse (sleep, obsession, eating...)? what if i run into her with someone new, how dangerous for me could that be? How do I keep from having a nervous breakdown?

 

Is time 100% guaranteed to get me through this?

 

I didn't know where to turn, and need feedback periodically to judge if I'm moving on and getting healthier.

 

Thanks

[D-Lish]

My heart goes out to you.

Being blindsided like that gives you no time to prepare for a break up. Normally both parties see signs that things are coming to and end.

 

I suspect, further details will be necessary to help unravel some of the unanswered questions, but as you said- you're looking for immediate support.

 

As for advice~ you've already moved out, gotten yourself a new place and you are grieving in a healthy way. You've also moved into no contact with her. That is the advice I would give you....

Move out, let yourself cry, put some space between you and her....and use your support system to vent.

 

Does it get better? Yes~ it will get better. Not immediately though.

When my ex and I broke up all I ever seemed to do was cry... But I realized- what's the worst thing that can come from crying? Red swollen eyes? And then I sort of felt better, a little calmer after it was out.

 

Friends and family should play a key role here. Think of the things you have always found comfort and enjoyment in- and pick up some of those activities. Start something new.... that always helps.

 

For instance- after a break up- I hit the gym... I focus on making myself look better and feel better.

 

Everything will be gradual. It's only been a month- which is so short of a time after 3 years. Did you get any closure out of this? Did you have a more involved break up talk besides "I don't love you anymore, please leave??"

 

Just keep venting and talking through it- it really does help.

 

I found a lot of solace in this forum after a heart break. I also got a lot of satisfaction out of helping and talking to others going through the same thing. It took my mind of things and made me feel better to help if I could.

 

You'll find your own means of coping- it's different for all of us.

 

It has been 5 years since I left my husband.... maybe 2 years my ex broke up with me.... and both of those men are pretty distant memories- so it does get better.... I know that doesn't help you now to hear that.

 

I think you are handling things well.

You found yourself a new place and got established in 4 days....

That's pretty admirable.

[jdeedee]

My deepest sympathies go out to you. The only real advice I can give you is to try and put yourself first right now. You were a whole and healthy human being before you met her, throughout your relationship and thought it feels awful now you still are whole and perfect in yourself.

 

Do something special for yourself, play some music, take some time to figure out who you are on your own. Begin exercising (and by that I mean even something as small at walking for 30 minutes a day), and keep eating right and healthy. It is more important now than ever before.

 

Keep posting, let us know how you are doing. Many will stress no contact and in a situation like yours I have to agree. You need to keep your priorities straight and right now You are number one.

 

...and the crying is healthy, it slowly dissipates but right now it is what you need to do. I am two months out of a year relationship, for the first month entirely I cried perhaps 3 or 4 times a day, especially in the car. Now I cry 5 or 6 times a week. Time will help, but you need to do things other than linger for that to be. ...believe me I am the king of lingering so no harshness intended there

Edited January 21, 2008 by jdeedee

[stumbling]

The "closure" she gave me was that I was to blame for these things happening to me, and rattled off a list of bad qualities of mine (that, in a weird reality were bad qualities of hers). It was like she had these self fulfilling prophecies, and set them up so when they came true, I was to blame...

 

Basically. I was coldly told that "people break up, get over it." The week before, we were talking marriage and my folks were in town. So much shame and confusion.

 

And it's not all that independent or healthy of me that I got another apartment so fast, rather that she insisted I leave immediately, took the keys and denied my request for a few more days to get my things together because "you'll figure out some reason for staying a few more after that." I spent those first two weeks in complete shock, and now am breaking and getting more ill by the day. I haven't even started to focus on the financial ramifications of all this.

 

I am simultaneously trying to just exist, while missing the person I knew, and trying to reconcile that with the person she showed me those few days. Disgusting, just disgusting...I just want to sleep more than four hours in a row.

[k10k]

Hi stumbling

 

I'm sorry to hear that you going through this, it's not easy, but just remember that you are not alone and things do get better with time.

 

Apart from the other advice offered here, maybe you could consider seeing a therapist or GP? You mentioned that you are not sleeping too much, so it might help to go and see someone who could help you with that.

I also find that reading is a big help - especially in the sense that it helps to take my mind off things for awhile.

Just focus on finding ways to make yourself feel better, cry and talk when you need to and take a couple of deep breathes when things start to feel overwhelming. Take things hour by hour, day by day and soon you'll be feeling stronger and calmer.

 

Take care

x

[Always Wrong]

Her animadversion toward you reveals a defensive frame of mind for her.

 

There is some reason she is harboring resentment.

 

Trying to figure out her response, that probably isn't a response to a single issue, but a response to an accumulation of things will drive you nuts.

 

And if you were able to unravel it, it probably still wouldn't make any sense... to us... but in her mind, she's golden.

 

And it may not even have as much to do with you as you might imagine.

 

I've seen that complete flip of willingness to participate in many arenas other than the relationship arena.

 

Unfortunately, some people are heartless. And it really sucks to find out the way you found out.

 

The connection between cause and effect is just lost on some people.

 

I'm very sorry this has happened to you.

 

You said you don't think you'll ever get anything as good again...

 

Set your standard higher, and make sure you "don't" get anything like this again.

 

What you need to realize is... she was not the person you thought she was.

 

You shouldn't feel bad because she turned out to be far less of a woman than you had thought.

 

You should feel "GREAT" that you didn't marry her!

 

Oh man! That was a close one brother! You dodged a bullet!

 

I know it doesn't seem like it now, but before long you are going to realize how lucky you are.

 

If the utilities are in your name... cut 'em off.

 

Close any joint account you may have.

 

Change the access number to your own accounts.

 

She may know all of your personal information, so protect yourself.

 

Have your credit cards reissued in a different number in case she knows them.

 

Change the password to your email account.

 

If the car she's driving is yours... take it.

 

Any insurance you may have obtained on her behalf... cancel it.

 

D-Lish... jdeedee... k10k... all excellent, "spot on" advice.

 

Sorry if I seem a little vicious, but people like her really get under my fur.

Edited January 21, 2008 by Always Wrong

[sumdude]

As someone who was blindsided a year ago by my now ex wife... I can relate.

 

It's going to be a rough ride but you will get through it. You have to climb that mountain knowing that as you keep climbing it gets better every day. Get busy... as busy as possible in positive ways. What helped me the most was working out almost every day. Exercise releases natural anti depressants and also give all those nerves somewhere to go and help you get some decnt sleep. Eat well, even if you're not hungry. Eat healthy stuff...

 

Keep telling yourself that you're OK and that what you're feeling is normal... which it is. You're going to feel all sorts of emotions and switch between them suddenly. Shock and denial... you can't believe it's really happening. Insane anger at her... just don't act on it by doing anything rash.. rant and rave on your own at home when you feel the need. Guilt and depression, you're going to blame yourself and think about what you could have done differently and keep re analyzing it for a while. Allow your emotions to be expressed but don't let them get too much control. In fact the more you hold back the bigger the explosion when you finally do let them loose. When you wake up in the morning tell yourself you're going to make today a good day and you will get past this and come out a stronger and better person.

 

As far as her... stay no contact... the relationship is dead... bury it. Use some ritualistic way to do that. Find some love letters and burn them or bury them... you have to grieve the death of the relationship like a death in the family.

 

You'll have good days , bad days .. you'll go along fine for a while and suddely get hit by it again.... it gets better every day and you have to work at it too.

 

A storm just blew your house down and you have to rebuild... but you can build it any way you want from here on out.

[stumbling]

Thank you all for the stories and advice. I woke up this morning wanting to throw up and die, and I do feel better now...I'll be reading everything on this forum 'til I get this over with.

 

Changing insurance, wills and other papers was the worst - felt like a divorce, surreal almost. The agents who help with this know what you're going through and are almost apologetic to have to see someone do this. And I did change all accounts...more sick feelings. I noticed this afternoon that I hadn't taken a deep breath for almost three weeks - only thousands of short ones. It's unbelievable what damage can come from broken dreams.

 

I feel like a fire came and burned down my house, killing everything inside.

[D-Lish]

I'm even finding that abrupt change of heart a little mind boggling.

 

It doesn't sound like getting blamed for everything is any kind of closure.

It's actually more antagonizing than anything else. Wow.

[Always Wrong]

Stumbling!

 

You're going to make it man.

 

Eat something even if you aren't hungry!

Edited January 22, 2008 by Always Wrong

[Jmina]

Stumbling how are you going?keep posting

[Always Wrong]

C'mon stumbling, I'm starting to worry. How are you?

[Frankie24]

Thoughts with you sweety!!

 

Im on day 2 of the single life and boy does it suck but it will get better x

[stumbling]

Havent posted in few weeks to update (although I read LS every day and it is helpful to know Im not alone). Not all that comfortable with forums and putting myself out there, but would like to know if Im progressing in this.

 

Got in contact w/ ex (she called me crying few times) after three weeks since she blindsided me, and talked all about how she missed me, how she wanted me to come stay the night, how she thought about what we needed to get back to a "better place." I found myself eating and sleeping normally for a week.

 

Then, like another nightmare, I get more comfortable in the converstaions and am expecting to see her, and she's all like "you're pressuring me" and "I dont want to lead you on." I don't know where I got the confidence, but I just flat out told her to NEVER contact me again, unless it was because she wanted this and the entire future I imagined back. It made me sick, but NC is the only thing I could ask for.

 

I feel numb, and time and space feel different. I'm totally alone and have nothing to do and no one to call on a weekend night. thank god for alcohol.

 

I am angry that I let myself trust someone, and have absolutely no respect for other humans who are not my family. I only wish I could witness the Karma coming her way someday. How the hell can a thirty year old just throw someone away and not even care? People are ****.

 

Is this anger and hopelessness part of the grieving?

[vivrantflo]

I don't know where I got the confidence, but I just flat out told her to NEVER contact me again, unless it was because she wanted this and the entire future I imagined back. It made me sick, but NC is the only thing I could ask for.

 

 

Excellent. Now you see why the kind people on this thread of yours advised you to go No Contact with her. She's hurting you by getting your hopes up, and then kicking you in the balls again.

 

I have to commend you for your response to her. Very good. Now that was the easy part. Where it gets hard is sticking to this. Cause she will leave you alone for a bit.. BUT she'll end up trying to contact you again.. and not necessarily with the intent of reconciliation.. but just to see if you're still on her string.

 

Be strong man, go NC, and heal. If she does want to work things out with you, she'll make that very obvious. Good luck

[Always Wrong]

It's coming up on two weeks Stumbling. What's the scoop?