This is heartbreaking

[watchconcierge]

I slept 3 hours last night after being up for 46 hours straight. I'm having a tough time. At 35 years old, for the first time, I have cried uncontrollably about a girl. I have never had this happen. I was never cheated on. I was never betrayed. I have never felt so heartbroken. My love for wasn't very strong until the betrayal and then it became so incredibly strong. Why do you think that is? Why did my attraction for her grow so much?

 

You may remember my story... My wife went out on a girls night out a little over a year ago and started talking to a guy that worked with her dad for the next week behind my back... and they exchanged 43 text messages. She would sleep in our daughter's room while texting with him. She told lots of lies to cover it up and for the first time in our relationship, she hid interaction with a guy. So I assumed there must be a reason. She always denied any flirting and ulterior motives.

 

That betrayal caused me to have serious depression and anxiety issues and major issues when she would go out to the bars with friends. After a year, it finally was too much and I left her while she was out on a girls night.

 

So now we are two and half months post separation. And I have gone for a couple of short periods of NC, but then give in.

 

So yesterday we were talking after 4 days of NC. And I got her to tell me about dating stuff for the first time. And she told me about 3 different guys who got her number and she texted with and then just lost interest. She says she isn't ready. It actually made me feel closure to hear about her interacting with guys. I didn't know what closure felt like. It was a good thing. I was smiling and had quit shaking from all the emotion of NC for 4 days.

 

Then later in the conversation, she mentioned that she is now talking with the original guy in the betrayal. She now goes to the gym he works out at and they talk via phone, text, and myspace she said. I asked her if she's interested in him. She just refuses to answer. I ask her if she's dating him. "No." Would you date him? No answer. Eventually she says that she could date him. And that although he has a reputation as a womanizer and slut, her opinion of him has changed and now she thinks he's really nice and has gotten a bad rap and that other people just don't know him. It tore my heart out.

 

So now I find out that when everybody said I was upset over nothing that there was obviously something -- even if very small. At least a seed was planted.

 

This morning she, for the first time, said something about "You're not perfect... Why do you think I would even need to start talking to a boy..." I told her that I would expect her to say something like that. But that she chose to betray me. It's on her. She made that decision. No matter if things weren't perfect, she didn't have to betray me.

 

I feel like I was betrayed then manipulated and pushed to the point of leaving by her picking up her going out all night efforts so she could finally end up with this guy. I don't know if that's true, but it's the way it seems to be playing out.

 

I feel like I don't know her anymore. She has a different car, different cell phone, different phone provider, lives in a different house, works out at a different place... It hurts tremendously...

 

And last night we were supposed to talk. She promised she would call. She started texting and then taking awhile to respond. Then eventually the texts were flowing pretty well, but all of a sudden she left me hanging. I sent several texts begging her to respond. She wouldn't. Then I sent a text threatening to embarrass them to their business associates about how this went down... And all of a sudden she started texting me like crazy.

 

I felt like she was enjoying leaving me hanging and writhing in pain until I said something about doing something to embarrass her. Then she had immediate motivation to stop playing that game. I confronted her this morning and last night about it. She denies that she was trying to hurt me. I told her that if I'm in this kind of emotional shape, then by leaving me hanging when I'm begging for a response is extremely cruel. She said she won't do that anymore.

 

Don't get me wrong. Our relationship is over. We both know that. There is no chance at reconciliation.

 

Oh and in talking to a couple of friends yesterday... I was never fully attracted to my wife. The chemistry wasn't there. UNTIL the betrayal. Then she immediately and magically became the most beautiful woman I've ever been with. I had no control over that.

 

One of my friends gave me an example of that happening to him. His girl cheated on him and then in his eyes she was the most beautiful by far.

 

But he said that after the guy ended up cheating on her, it went away... she went back to the number 3 spot in his eyes. Magically.

 

I hope that happens for me. In the meantime, I am thinking of printing some pics of her, PRE-betrayal. When I look at those pics, I am not very attracted to her. When I look at pics POST-betrayal, I am extremely attracted to her.

 

I figure if I put one on the mirror and on the fridge, then I will get visuals of her when I wasn't attracted and if I see those enough that the memory of the extremely attractive version of her might fade more quickly. What are your thoughts on this?

 

I feel like I need advice. I feel like I need to go NC, but I also feel like there are lots of things that I want to say to her so I can get everything off my chest. I don't want to go NC and then realize that I feel compelled to tell her how hurt I am... I'm lost right now... Need advice and support...

 

What are your thoughts on my feelings here? My behavior? What can I do to best cope with this situation?? Please help. I'm a mess.

 

Thank you.

T

[Confused9]

I think you need to go NC. She knows how hurt you are. She knows what she did is wrong...telling her these things are only going to aggravate her more.

 

Don't talk to her. There is nothing you can say that will make the situation better. You need to work on yourself and moving on and healing. There are not enough words to describe what you feel and there aren't enough words to explain how hard you are. You will never fully feel like you've said enough.

 

It's not worth it to continue to drag this out. My x did so much harm. He hurt me in so many ways. Today, I wanted to email him and tell him how hurt I am and that he did wrong...but you know waht...waht good would that do? If he doesn't realize that what he did is wrong me continuing to tell him so is not going to make things better.

 

He hates me already...why cause him more reason to hate me?

 

Same with you...nothing is going to change the past. You just need to move on.

[fabulousgal]

you will always be compelled to say something. even if you call her today and lay it all out, 6 weeks from now you'll come up with something else that needs to be said.

 

it is the hardest thing in the world to accept, but we will never know all the answers. leave her be, you say there is no shot at reconciliation, so why hurt yourself like this.

 

you think she is suddenly so amazing because she made herself a "prize" by engaging with other men. whilst we all should value ourselves to want to be a prize, she abused this and played a card she shouldn't have. now you feel territorial and she is "yours".

 

No one is yours, not even if they wear your ring. You've always got to look out for numero uno and pull away when behavior turns bad, even if its someone you love. never doubt your worth.

 

im sorry you feel sad. if i could change it i would, but the only person who can do it is you. realize that life is very unfair at times, but one day the luck will be yours.

[Lee725]

I was never fully attracted to my wife. The chemistry wasn't there. UNTIL the betrayal. Then she immediately and magically became the most beautiful woman I've ever been with. I had no control over that.

 

I feel like I need advice. I feel like I need to go NC, but I also feel like there are lots of things that I want to say to her so I can get everything off my chest. I don't want to go NC and then realize that I feel compelled to tell her how hurt I am... I'm lost right now... Need advice and support...

 

What are your thoughts on my feelings here? My behavior? What can I do to best cope with this situation?? Please help. I'm a mess.

 

 

i saw this on a doco a while ago apparently there is a chemistry behind people in relationships/dating.

 

When someone is in a relationship they become more attractive to other members of the opp. sex. (not their partners)

She was in a relationship with you so you saw her in a particular light. When she is/was with a different man you see her in a different light. (more attractive) - i don't understand it much either, but apparently it happens.

 

I have been reading your threads for a while now, i am sorry that you are still suffering.

You will find your way through this.

Whether you talk it out with her or a time may come where you let it all go, you will get thru it.

[watchconcierge]

i saw this on a doco a while ago apparently there is a chemistry behind people in relationships/dating.

 

When someone is in a relationship they become more attractive to other members of the opp. sex. (not their partners)

She was in a relationship with you so you saw her in a particular light. When she is/was with a different man you see her in a different light. (more attractive) - i don't understand it much either, but apparently it happens.

 

I have been reading your threads for a while now, i am sorry that you are still suffering.

You will find your way through this.

Whether you talk it out with her or a time may come where you let it all go, you will get thru it.

 

I feel somewhat better... I still haven't slept more, but I managed to eat half an Outback Special sitting at the bar by myself.

 

Thanks for the "importance of NC" reminders. I felt so strong during the 6 day NC... if I had just kept it going...

 

I think I did stuff backwards by dating 3 different girls during the first month of separation. And now I haven't been dating. And now I feel like I'm going through some of the emotional stuff I should have gone through in the beginning but probably repressed.

 

Thanks for the info about the study, too.

 

Take care... I need to try to get some sleep.

T

[Lee725]

I think I did stuff backwards by dating 3 different girls during the first month of separation. And now I haven't been dating. And now I feel like I'm going through some of the emotional stuff I should have gone through in the beginning but probably repressed.

 

I think this is pretty common. (not to detract from your own personal emotions).

I am pretty sure that this has happened with some of the people i have dated in the past, i am prob guilty of doing it myself.

 

Once you can get thru it, you will be that much closer to closure.

stay strong & keep up the NC.

[kirikat]

I'm sorry - but you have a daughter. No contact is not an option. Period. Perhaps some of the other posters didn't note the fact that you have a child, or perhaps they have no children, so it didn't occur to them...

 

There is no walking away and forgetting her. You don't have that luxury - and if you DO do it, you will F*ck up that precious child of your for the rest of her life.

 

You and She are a FAMILY. You both have an obligation to your child to get family councilling, find healthy boundries, and to eventually function well as friends and co-parents...

 

And as to the betrayal, I understand that you got hurt and you feel aggrieved, I get it. And, stepping out is wrong - but having been married to someone who wasn't into me for some 20 years (until AFTER I started dating, that is) I have to tell you that the pain caused by being married to someone who isnt attracted to you is deep and hard... her needs were not being met. So, maybe you should interrupt the "betrayal" thoughts - it took the two of you to get where you are right now.

 

In the meantime, you BOTH sound like you need to grow up, because there is one person in this whole mess who did NOTHING wrong, and whose life is being destroyed right now, and it ain't you.

[cracked1]

I'm sorry - but you have a daughter. No contact is not an option. Period. Perhaps some of the other posters didn't note the fact that you have a child, or perhaps they have no children, so it didn't occur to them...

 

There is no walking away and forgetting her. You don't have that luxury - and if you DO do it, you will F*ck up that precious child of your for the rest of her life.

 

You and She are a FAMILY. You both have an obligation to your child to get family councilling, find healthy boundries, and to eventually function well as friends and co-parents...

 

And as to the betrayal, I understand that you got hurt and you feel aggrieved, I get it. And, stepping out is wrong - but having been married to someone who wasn't into me for some 20 years (until AFTER I started dating, that is) I have to tell you that the pain caused by being married to someone who isnt attracted to you is deep and hard... her needs were not being met. So, maybe you should interrupt the "betrayal" thoughts - it took the two of you to get where you are right now.

 

In the meantime, you BOTH sound like you need to grow up, because there is one person in this whole mess who did NOTHING wrong, and whose life is being destroyed right now, and it ain't you.

Well said!!!

[watchconcierge]

Well said!!!

 

Thanks for the comments. FWIW, I had our daughter for 3 days and 2 nights last week.

 

IMHO NC does not include necessary conversations about the exchange of a child. I've also gone over to my previous ex's house a couple of times in the last week to hang out with my older daughters. I didn't get them last weekend, because their mom had surgery on her wrist and she wanted them to hang out with her.

 

I love my daughters with my whole heart. But I'm not posting this topic in a parenting forum... I'm talking about coping with the loss of my wife. Please rest assured that although I don't bring up my children here very often, they are extremely important to me.

 

Thanks.

T

[kirikat]

I understand that, the thing is that the coping techniques are very different. The goals are very different.

 

When you end a relationship that doesnt involve kids, you can cut the other person off - you do not ever need to see them again, talk to them again - you need to learn to stop loving them - much easier when you never have to see their face again.

 

You can dwell on every rotten thing they have ever done, you can blame them, and you hate them if you want.

 

When you have children, the coping involves co-creating a loving, healthy relationship. At least if you want your kids to be OK. That means you have to drop all blame, accept responsibility, and forgive her and yourself. And, you need to do it as quickly as possible, because even though you do see your children a lot, please believe me that it hurts them to see the tension between you, it hurts them to see the pain between you - and soon, they will start taking sides.

 

I am speaking to you from experience, not condemnation. My solution was to take my child as far away as possible (to Italy) - while his dad worked out his own issues (the divorce was predicated on a serious midlife crisis that involved a diet, a dye job, a 32 foot boad, and eventually a 20 year old redhead.... ), and it took us FIVE years of grueling work to become good friends.

 

However, we were very united in protecting our son, and we did a lot of couples therapy and worked together to find solutions to our own relationships and for me to find a way through the heart break and betrayal. We are a very successfully divorced couple, and we still spend holidays and Christmas's together with our boy. Our boy is very happy, and though he wishes we all lived under one roof, he knows he is loved and he is very healthy and well adjusted.

 

Most divorces do not end this way for the children.... they are usually in a position of always having to mediate between parents who are forever angry with each other ---- YOU CANNOT SEPERATE COPING FROM PARENTING IN THIS CASE. HOW YOU COPE IMPACTS HOW WELL YOUR CHILDREN SURVIVE THIS.

 

Now, with my most recent break up, the usual coping methods apply - NC, thought interruption, remembering every rotten thing he ever said, imagining him with a social disease etc. Most of the usual methods involve some sort of aversion therapy.... as I said, the goals of a break up of a romantic relationship are WAY different than the goals of the break up of a family.

 

Best Wishes to you...