my one year mark

[hrtbroken99]

hi folks, its been a while since I have posted here.

It has been exactly one year now since my ex left me. And how am I doing now? I am still not where I would like to be mentally. I still do think about him often and still cry every now and then. I don't cry now because my ex is gone, but cry because "love" is gone from me. I must be the biggest pathetic loser to ever post on these boards even a year later.

 

As I browse these boards and read about those who are strugglin with 2 days of NC, 2 WKS, 2 MONTHS, 6 MONTHS ETC. I remember how I was back then. The intense pain that still haunts me till this day was much worse then. I too would hide under sheets cry day and night, have cravings to call to text, or even look at old pics, figure out ways to forget etc. I even ended up seeing a therapist-whom I still see. These days I think am struggling to find ways to cope with my lonliness.

 

I kept thinking that maybe I will forget, maybe I will not cry, not get lonely etc. but no, my mind is just a joke and so am I. I have been on NC forever and for me I think what the entire NC process did was just tell me how much I really do love him and cared for him. I feel like everything is just a tease now a year later. I will go one month all perfect and then boom the next month just sit there and be lonely and feel sad. And who knows maybe its not my ex I miss but the fact that I have no "love."

 

So my msg to all of you who are in the earlier stages of coping- I hope that none of you experience the pain and depression I have. I also want to also say that it does take time and a few wks or even a month or two after a breakup-it is perfectly normal to still miss or be sad. Hopefully none of you will end up like a pathetic loner like me and will get lucky to get over and meet someone. Many people told me the first few months of the breakup "you will get over it in a few months, a year later" etc. And what I have come to know is that for me, I didn't. I got worse, the depression kicked in a lot more as the months have gone by. But then, I also know many folks who have been able to get over it and enjoy there months later...I guess I did not get lucky in that department!

 

I do support NC, it is the best way to go! It can be VERY hard at first but does help. AlthougH I do get sad now, I am MUCH MUCH better than before.

[oppath]

htrbroken, I am sad that you have been in pain. I too ended up in a deep and dark depression and almost a year later am still hurt. She put a mind **** on me.

 

One thing that warrants comment: just because you aren't with anyone new a year later, means NOTHING about you or your worth. It's not pathetic to still be single or not having had a bf in a year. Nothing is wrong with healing. You heal at the rate you heal, and as long as you have done some positive things for yourself in that time, if it takes a year, two years, etc, that is fine.

 

When you meet someone new that is amazing, it will put part of the past behind you. But to be truthful, I think it should take a year or two to find someone. Why? Because there aren't that many guys who will be up to your standards let alone feel chemistry with. There is no reason that you "should" be able to find someone in a short amount of time, not if you want love.

 

So be good to yourself and take your time to heal.

[hrtbroken99]

thanks oppath, that was very encouraging:)

 

I too am sorry to hear that you ended up in the blues almost a year later. I guess everything just seems so weird to me. As I come on these boards most people I notice are posting about recent breakups and are coping with a few weeks ot a few months of NC and I feel like some idiot creating a new post because I am so far down the lane that you would think I would not be so messed up and be over it by now or found some way to cope. And you are right, just because I am not with someone does not define my worth. In fact I had so any other things on my plate this last year that I could not possibly even be with anyone else. But I guess it just hurts when those lonely moments hit (which hit me so often) that I am reminded of how sad I really am inside. With the holidays going on, the lonliness is kicked up to even a higher notch. Sometimes I feel like I am just putting on a face to the world as if everything is great when inside I am dying. But I will keep going, and allowing myself to heal after all life goes on. Thanks for your support

[randuff]

Well I am on month 7 and I can tell you that I feel no closer to being "good" than I was at day one. It has been a very rough time for me and I hope one day I will finally be able to say I grew from this experience.

 

On a side note I went to a new counselor today and she kicks ass... I love her! I hope this will help my process.

 

Keep your chin up and hopefully you can keep a good positive attitude and things will keep looking up for you.

[sao2]

Month 5 here, and while I feel myself moving forward I still visit here more often than I feel comfortable with. Oh well. I once was a mess for over a year after a breakup, even a year and a half later when I got into a new relationship I wasn't as ready as I should have been.

 

I think that alot of what keeps us out of new relationships is that we have been honest with ourselves. I am not really ready to meet someone new, to be honest the thought of a new relationship scares me right now. Companionship, sex, all the good stuff I am looking forward to and missing, but the other stuff. I for one am just not ready to handle all of that right now.

 

My point is, don't feel bad, with more time you will start to feel ready and when you are ready you will start to see new opportunities to date all around.

[RichC]

The amount of time it takes will vary but it WILL work if you are consistent. My train was late today and we picked up riders from other trains and my ex was three seats behind me. I didn't even get a flutter. Its a good thing to be there.

[PrincessBOT]

I will go one month all perfect and then boom the next month just sit there and be lonely and feel sad. And who knows maybe its not my ex I miss but the fact that I have no "love."

 

I do support NC, it is the best way to go! It can be VERY hard at first but does help. AlthougH I do get sad now, I am MUCH MUCH better than before.

 

 

Congratulations for putting yourself first even through the pain. It takes a lot of strength to have such strong feelings and remain NC. IMO you're right you're missing being in love. Since you have not found anyone else it is taking you longer to get over this. I sincerely hope that you are allowing yourself to look at others as possibilities.

 

I swore I would never look at another man after my last relationship, but I can't keep to it. So I am trying and sometimes I meet someone that excites me. So far it hasn't lasted, but I have hope.

 

Also being alone doesn't mean you have to be lonely, this is where friends and family come in. In my case I even became closer with my co-workers. I am with them more than I am with my family and we have something in common, work, so always something to talk about.

 

Stay strong, be happy, and keep looking.

[KittenMoon]

Hon, you are so not alone.

 

I'm nearing the two-year mark, and it still hurts everyday.

 

Sometimes it's about him, sometimes it's just about being lonely. No one has tickled my fancy since. I feel pathetic, but I also know people who have been FIVE years or more, etc etc. Good people, not weirdos, freaks or crazies. (In fact, the weirdos, freaks, and crazies always seem to move on easier )

 

Chin up, best you can. And don't beat yourself up either- I think your feelings are a lot more common than you'd think.

[London Girl]

sorry to hear you are still hurting hrtbroken 99. It's been over 9 months since I last saw my ex and although I still hurt I feel better than what I did 9 months ago. Time and no contact does ease the pain. Tonight, I was looking at some old cards he sent me and his photos and it just made me feel sad but I did not cry. I actually contacted him last week as I wanted some closure - I did not wanted to go on with life knowing there was some unresolved issues or bitterness. I emailed him to say I had no hard feelings with him and I have healed and moved on. I still care for him but I don't think I can take him back. I cannot take back someone who has caused me so much hurt and pain.

 

Regarding meeting someone else. 9 months ago I did not think I would ever meet someone else I would be attracted to but I did recently. I met a guy that I got on well with and we slept together after one month. But he dumped me after fives weeks because he was not ready for a relationship. Okay I was really upset but you have to learn from your mistakes and for me it was not to waste my time on someone who still had emotional baggage. I've been having therapy for the last 7 months and found it very beneficial. It taught me to put my own needs first and not to please someone for fear of rejection or abandonment. You need to have self respect and dignity. I too feel lonely and miss being in a relationship but the hurt and mind games that comes with a bad relationship is not worth it. Things will get better, it's just a matter of time.

[skeletonindacloset]

The four year mark is coming up for me pretty soon. The friendship lasted a year and a half while the romantic side of the relationship only lasted a few months. I've been in a few relationships since her but ended them all because I don't wanna be with someone while I'm thinking about another woman. I still can't get her out of my mind and it still has the ability to ruin most of my days. It doesn't make sense to me that I still feel like I just lost her and it's been so long now but I guess some folks are just weird like that.

So to those who've made at least a partial recovery I raise my glass to you. Cheers.

[polywog]

It's month 11 for me, and even though I have met someone else I still think about my past life with the ex. We live in the same town and share a dog, and are friendly with each other. But still.... he has another SO now, and it still hurts. Unfortunately I find myself comparing the new guy, who is great, to the ex in some ways. And I suspect my new SO who suffered a break up around the same time that I did does the same. It's just human. Time does lessen the pain, though....

 

I think that the key is Time, trite tho that is. And being kind to yourself. And getting out there, and getting to know and appreciate yourself again. I've done all that, and it's helped. I see the feelings I have for my ex as being proof of my humanity and ability to love deeply. And proof of my vulnerability as well, which is not such a bad thing.... it brings me down to earth.

 

It ain't easy, but hey, it really does get better with time. Again, be kind to yourself. And get out in the world so someone else (at least one person, maybe more) gets to see what a catch you are. Because you are.

[SunnyLady]

hi folks, its been a while since I have posted here.

It has been exactly one year now since my ex left me. And how am I doing now? I am still not where I would like to be mentally. I still do think about him often and still cry every now and then. I don't cry now because my ex is gone, but cry because "love" is gone from me. I must be the biggest pathetic loser to ever post on these boards even a year later.

 

As I browse these boards and read about those who are strugglin with 2 days of NC, 2 WKS, 2 MONTHS, 6 MONTHS ETC. I remember how I was back then. The intense pain that still haunts me till this day was much worse then. I too would hide under sheets cry day and night, have cravings to call to text, or even look at old pics, figure out ways to forget etc. I even ended up seeing a therapist-whom I still see. These days I think am struggling to find ways to cope with my lonliness.

 

I kept thinking that maybe I will forget, maybe I will not cry, not get lonely etc. but no, my mind is just a joke and so am I. I have been on NC forever and for me I think what the entire NC process did was just tell me how much I really do love him and cared for him. I feel like everything is just a tease now a year later. I will go one month all perfect and then boom the next month just sit there and be lonely and feel sad. And who knows maybe its not my ex I miss but the fact that I have no "love."

 

So my msg to all of you who are in the earlier stages of coping- I hope that none of you experience the pain and depression I have. I also want to also say that it does take time and a few wks or even a month or two after a breakup-it is perfectly normal to still miss or be sad. Hopefully none of you will end up like a pathetic loner like me and will get lucky to get over and meet someone. Many people told me the first few months of the breakup "you will get over it in a few months, a year later" etc. And what I have come to know is that for me, I didn't. I got worse, the depression kicked in a lot more as the months have gone by. But then, I also know many folks who have been able to get over it and enjoy there months later...I guess I did not get lucky in that department!

 

I do support NC, it is the best way to go! It can be VERY hard at first but does help. AlthougH I do get sad now, I am MUCH MUCH better than before.

 

 

Im so sorry for your pain ... I don't know what exactly to say as i am saddened by your post. But iv complied these quotes from a poem i saw online. I hope it brightens up your day. . .

 

"Love comes to those who still hope although they've been disappointed

to those who still believe although they've been betrayed, to those who

still love although they've been hurt before"

 

 

"It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's

also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives"

 

I believe that you will experience something so good, beyond your imagination. I know i sound very optimistic, but when you go through very hard times, it simply means good times lie ahead. It may a bit more time...slightly longer than you would like but you will get there. The final quotes are below

 

 

"When the door of happiness closes, another opens but often times we

look so hard at the closed door that we don't see the one which has

been opened for us."

 

"The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything;

they just make the most of everything that comes their way."

 

 

Please stay strong. Good times do lie ahead.

 

Keep posting. xx

[suffragette13]

This is such a sad post! I wish I could give you a big hug. Good for you getting into therapy and working on yourself. God, that's all we can do at this point isn't it?

 

Sometimes I think the reason why I can't give up the pain and angst (admittedly less now) is because on some level it would be like saying it wasn't that important, like I didn't really love him THAT much. It feels like if I let go then I'll be denying the strength of the love I had for him, you know? It would diminish the power of my bond to him if I cold just walk away. And I was so true and being with him and married was so hard. Like calling Everest just a hill.

 

However, take it from someone who is still WAY in limbo, riding the fence is worse. I've lost the respect of people whose opinions I really value for a man who I sometimes wish had just shot me or something instead of doing this to me.

 

Incidentally, that is a humourous story. My father once hired a man in his 60's who had been shot by his wife 3x's!!!!!! He admitted he'd had it coming. They were still married. he said to my dad that he wasn't that worried now because her eyesight wasn't so good.

 

My heart goes out to you. I get the blues in the wintertime anyway, that's SAD (seasonal affective disorder) & it has to do with not being exposed to as much natural sunlight. Even if you just go out for a little while each day, it helps. Maybe you should get a lil pup? Then you have to go to the park, no matter what the weather is like. Good luck to you and please keep checking back with us.

[hrtbroken99]

thanks to everyone who replied to this post. It really helps to know about others who havent been able to get over or forget more than a year later down the road.

 

skeleton-I will toast with you and say cheers to those who are at partial recovery : )

thanks sunnylady for the quotes

suffragette13 sorry to hear about the SAD that sucks. I know many people who get into the blues during winter

 

as crazy as it sounds I actually love winter so if anything makes me happy is to se the dark clouds and rain pouring down

 

but in terms of the lonliness, getting over the ex, coping whatever you want to call it, I just don't know anymore there really is no cure for those things. If anything maybe time, more and more time. I guess one year is not enough time for me!

 

thanks again everyone and oh yeah I must say it again, to those only on 2 wks, 2 months, 4 months of NC is it OK to still be sad and crying, to have that urge to contact, to see places that remind you of them, etc. I decided to post on this topic because as I have been browsing these boards ona regular basis and reading about those who still can't get over an ex days, weeks or a few months later, I just wanted them to share where I was, NC does help, and that it is completely ok to be sad the first few days, wks, months etc. It will take time and we all heal at a different pace. I send you all hugs:)

[mav100]

Hey - I'm right there with you guys...

 

I caught my ex cheating on me with this dirtbag ex of hers in November 06, and I still think of her daily.

 

The past year has been very rough on me besides the loss of her. I also lost my dad to an accident over the summer, got demoted, was practically homeless for a month, and worst of all, just about bankrupted due to the ex's shenanigans and my own stupidity.

 

And it's funny, even with all of the other stuff that happened, what still hurts me most of all was the loss of her, even if it did turn out that she wasn't the person I thought she was.

 

I don't usually post either, just troll. Considering I'm usually just sitting around the house after work (I've come to avoid hanging out with the guys since they all seem to just want to go to bars and I'd prefer not to get drunk all the time), I'll read these forums once or twice a night.

 

Sometimes I'll question myself as to why I still care about her when she clearly never cared for me. Other times I'll sit and think that I just KNOW she did care about me just as much as I did her, and sooner or later I'll hear from her. Dumb, I know, but I can't help how I end up feeling. Considering I called her the night my father died and she hung up on me, and then I found she threw some things out that were left at her house, its been made pretty clear just exactly what she feels for me - not a damn thing. Still too caught up with her ex, er, I mean current man I guess.

 

Funny how people forget the things you did for them, like support them for a year after they lost a parent, but can't even talk to you a few months after a break up when the reverse happens.

 

I guess my point is, I think the more you cared about the person while you were with them, the longer the recovery time.

 

As for those that just throw out the "get over it" crap - ignore it. You'll be over it when you are ready, and not before.