Is this really how men are? Still trying to understand.

[HarakIgia]

Hi All,

I've been on here a bit sharing my story. Below is what my husband of 14yrs. was offerring me. We have 2 kids 10yr. and 3yr. so this decision has been extremely difficult. I asked him to finally leave on Sunday and he did.

 

It's been so difficult to watch my children hurt and ask for their dad. I offered for him to stay here last night and I would leave the house and stay at my brothers. But, he said no. Our little boy is the one (10) that asked and he told him he didn't want to hurt our friends feelings that cleaned his room. I was furious. Still am.

 

I can't believe how the loving man I knew has become so ignorant and selfish.

 

I'd love some input on how to let go. I'm doing what I can. But, part of me is just so torn up about our kids and their desire to be with their dad.

 

Also, if there are any men out there I've been told this is what you all feel if you were to be honest. I've been quoted scientific evidence and have been given books to read.

 

I just can't live like that. I've tried. For the last 9yrs. he was flirting and groping friends and strangers with me being present. Can I tell you how that feels. It felt absolutely horrible. To hear someone say "I love you and only you" but then to watch your hubby lust after others is mind blowing. It hurt me so much. I've been in therapy dealing with everything and I'm pleased and proud of myself.

 

Brief facts: Know eachother for 22yrs. Met in high school when 15/16yrs. old. Married at 23/24yrs. old. His dad died when he was 18yrs old. His mom died 10yrs. ago (this is when things truly changed) I'm the second person he's been with. So we've both have had limited experience with others. He says he has a difficult time feeling empathy for others.

 

I would love some more input on this. Any advice? How do you forget the good guy that you fell in love with? How do you move on? I'm a little preoccupied with thoughts of what he's up to. I know it's none of my business.

 

He's moving into a apartment next Wed. He's at our friends home for a week.

 

The life Lou was offering:

 

I will stay married forever, raise our children, love you, but I need to be ME, if at a bar and there’s a girl talking to me or responsive to me, then I should be able to flirt and do as I like. I don’t want to be policed by you. If the conversation becomes more physical infront of you then that should be OK too. I should be able to express myself any way I like both verbally or physically. If I grope or squeeze her butt or brush her breast that should be OK. If I make the mistake of sleeping with another woman that should not be the end of our marriage. You will not police me look at my cell phone, or check my emails.

 

That’s what I would settle for and with you accepting all this then we should be happier. I’ll be more able to show you love and the little things that were missing in our relationship would then occur. Because I will be happy and feel accepted by you.

 

In an ideal world though I believe we each should do whatever feels right. Free to explore different relationships both physically and emotionally. We have a lot of love to give not one person but mult. In an ideal world I would be having sex with others and still be married to you. But, I know you won't agree to this. That this is to much for you.

 

That’s how I feel. This is my personality and my beliefs.

 

I have felt this way for the last 9+ yrs.

[carrotgirl]

HI, What your H is offering isn't an offer. I think you know this. Sounds to me like he's saying, Here's what I plan on taking and if you feel like hanging around that's your problem.... Why he does this is unknown. He's obviously a pained, scared individual. I say this because of his fear of being open. Some are shy and private by nature. Others hide.

 

I was engaged to a man who fell into the hiding category. I never knew his problems because he hid them from me. And he hides very, very well. This wasn't a case of not wanting to see. No one else knows about his problems except for the therapist he started seeing. No one - not his family or friends or coworkers.

 

I think it must be a terrible thing to live in fear every day of your life to such an extent that you hide yourself and the truth of your life away from people. Knowing that he was so damaged didn't make me feel better but it helped me understand this wasn't something I could fix and it wasn't at all my fault.

 

I recommend getting a full exam at the gynecologist - and being extremely blunt saying you think or know your husband has been cheating and you're worried. Then I recommend trips to the dentist, your GP, just to take care of your overall health. Also, now is a good time to start paying attention to your finances, your debts, anything that needs fixing, any vehicles that need trading in, anything you can do to improve your life and lessen your stress is good.

 

You sound really together. It probably doesn't feel that way but it's pretty impressive and oh, no, not all men (or women) are like your husband.

 

Carrot

[Krytie TV]

No, this is not how all men think.

[HarakIgia]

Hi all,

Thank you so much!!! I really appreciate the comments. Carrotgirl, you made me smile. GP- I lived in the UK for 6yrs. You brought back some memories. I feel pretty good at this moment. I'm hurt and disappointed that we're at this place. But, I also figure there's no way to move forward unless something changes. Perhaps this is the change that will help us find some clarity. We'll see. I have to reserve some hope. I'm not consumed by it. I know it's important to focus on me and the children. I get that.

 

Thanks again and Happy Thanksgiving to you both.

 

P.S. Glad to hear that not all men feel that way. I didn't think so really.

[sumdude]

Nope, we men are not all that way at all. We may have different perspectives on sexuality than women, tend to be more visual and yes look a lot more regardless of our status BUT as far as I'm concerned once I make a commitment to one woman I keep it. It's a matter of not acting on those desires, having self control and caring about how your actions affect others. It's one thing to maybe flirt casually but to ACT is a whole different ballgame and in my book out of bounds.

[HarakIgia]

Hi Sumdude,

Thanks so much for sharing your point of view. It's refreshing to hear. I'm not asking to put blinders on. But, I am asking for him to respect the fact that I have my own boundaries and it hurts to watch him trying to chat up a stranger or friend. I'm just so tired of it. And that's why I decided that I needed him to leave. The interesting part is that he's pissed off with me.

Thanks again! Happy Thanksgiving.

[J and S]

Wow,,, I know flirts and touchy feely Italians, men and women both, but, the difference is they are 100% not doing it for sex. They are sharing love and there is no groping. Geez, I'm single and still ignore advances from others as if I am still in a relationship. Sounds like your ideas are different than his. The kids. Well, that hurts the most. I'm beginning to think, family in a traditional sense, no longer exists. Would he be OK with you doing the same? Really......... Being cute and clever lasts, not forever. Happy Holidays.

[HarakIgia]

Hi J and S,

I agree being cute and clever doesn't last forever yet family does. It's Thanksgiving and it's been a tough day. I had a good cry for all the hopes and dreams I once had for my family and mostly our children. I need to let go and allow him to be who he says he is now. It's really hard to do that. But, really I'm not comfortable with the alternative of bieng in that type of relationship.

 

And "yes" he's totally OK with me doing the same. I just don't have any interest in behaving that way. I'm social, I love people, but I don't need to be sexual with mult. people. That's just me. I'm happy to be with one person. I guess not all are that way though.

 

Thanks for your reply:) Happy Thanksgiving to you as well.

[child_of_isis]

I am not believing this for a minute...that he is okay with you doing the same. (snickersnort) Men don't like other men messing with their "stuff".

 

While you 2 are seperated, don't have sex with him. Do the 180. Become mysterious. Tell him nothing about your life. Have him watch the kids (at his place) often. So you can go out. Even through the week.

 

Consider him an on call free babysitter and take full advantage of it. Do not ask him if he can watch the children, tell him when you want him to watch the children. Be firm and do not allow for negotiations.

 

When you pick them up after your "time out" always appear happy, relaxed, content.

 

You'll find out pretty quickly how "okay" he is with it....and He'll find out pretty quickly how it feels to be "the wife" who sits at home with the children while hubby is out having a good time.

 

 

And "yes" he's totally OK with me doing the same. I just don't have any interest in behaving that way. I'm social, I love people, but I don't need to be sexual with mult. people. That's just me. I'm happy to be with one person. I guess not all are that way though.

 

[Curmudgeon]

Also, if there are any men out there I've been told this is what you all feel if you were to be honest. I've been quoted scientific evidence and have been given books to read.

 

That may be how he is and that may be how the supposed men who wrote those books to justify their desultory lifestyles are but it's not the way real men are.

 

If I just wanted to "do my own thing" I certainly wouldn't be married or ever consider it. It would be ever so much simpler, and cheaper, to stay single.

 

There's also a moral issue here and matters of integrity and values.

 

Please don't think that any one of us typifies all of us.

[HarakIgia]

I really appreciate your reply. I don't believe I can lump all men into one category. We're all individuals. We all have different likes and dislikes. We all have boundaries....some more than others. I'm just tired of hearing my husband quote various scientific books or articles that support his new values and beliefs. It's been devastating to say the least to watch someone you've known all your life change for the worst. I'm losing my bestfriend and the father of my kids. It's completely different. But, I know I need to let go cause living like I have being present and watching him behave like that just hurts to much. It's so confusing to hear I love you and then watch him try to pick someone else up at a bar.

 

I just wanted to get some feedback from the guys on here. I keep hearing that if you are all honest with yourselves then you'd all be saying what he's saying to me. Somehow I don't buy that:)

 

Thanks again! Happy Thanksgiving

[HarakIgia]

Child Of Isis,

I didn't see the reply til now. Sorry about that. Thank you for your two cents:) It made me smile. I'm such a loving and kind person always thinking of others and putting myself in their shoes. I'm not so sure how I'll be able to pull that off. I love being with my munchkins:) But, I see your point.

 

My son tonight called him back asking him if they could stay with him tonight. He wasn't happy about that one bit. I got the dirty looks and cold shoulder to boot. It sucks! I hate this!!!!! I wish my children didn't have to go through this.

 

He says "he's changed", "his values are different than mine now". But, the thing is when we married 14yrs ago he had the same values and same beliefs. Now he says, "I have a choice in reacting to his new behavior". That I should know he loves me and that him behaving like that shouldn't affect me. Right!!!! I told him that it is emotional abuse. That I've told him time and time again that him interacting that way hurts me so much. But, his reply is that's my choice to react that way. I'm digressing and getting more and more upset thinking about this stuff.

 

Anyways, thanks again to all that are commenting here:) I appreciate it.

[Whyme_wtf]

No, most men do not act like this. He has a respect problem with women.

This is not your fault and you should do all you can to remove yourself from this situation.

[HarakIgia]

Thank you so much!!! I love the quote. I need to remember that one:)