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Am I being too critical?


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Old 12th October 2007, 7:59 AM   #1
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Am I being too critical?

Forget it. I need to work that out for myself.

Last edited by Spinderella; 12th October 2007 at 8:10 AM..
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Old 12th October 2007, 8:21 AM   #2
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Woops! Too late!

Spind, you have your own slyness here and there I'm sure. We all do.

I have girlfriends who much as l like to get together with them for book club or lunch, they aren't the very close friends I would like them to be. They make decisions for themselves and talk about their own doings or other friends in such a way that I think, nope, best for me not to trust them with the intimate details of Carrot.

This is perhaps critical in the sense of using your judgment to make decisions for yourself. It's not critical to have standards, though it's always good to leave room in those standards for your own growth and change. Maybe these women you're referring to are good pals, but not quite, not truly, thick and thin friends?

Surely there's nothing wrong with that?

Carrot
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Old 12th October 2007, 8:31 AM   #3
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Damn!
Thanks Carrot. Ok, its more like wheedling information out of me, but now I feel I dont know if I should confront it or not. I'm annoyed with myself really. Should have known, because I know what they do. Feel foolish.
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Old 12th October 2007, 8:42 AM   #4
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Don't feel foolish. You tell me that's wasted energy. Backatcha.

You know this.... female friendships are not all Sex and the City. You're damn straight some women (and men) will have their own personal issues peeking through the basket weave.

Is the wheedler mature enough to dialog with you? Do you stand to gain any wisdom or comfort from confrontation? Is this particular prickle worth more of your resources?
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Old 12th October 2007, 9:17 AM   #5
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LOL, Sex in the city.
I am not sure. I am paranoid now about why exactly the wheedler was after the information, and that has got my mind spinning. I feel like a direct confrontation, i.e "what exactly was that conversation about?". This wheedler, is supposedly a best friend, and so I feel betrayed, considering the subject of the conversation, somebody else who hurt me quite badly, and she was witness to, and the fact that she was reintroduced to the person.
This isnt the first time something like this has happened with her, but, I always find myself letting things go. I feel like okay, I am not sure I want this friendship. I suppose its either keep the friendship, or have the confrontation. I doubt that a confrontation would result in any honesty, though.
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Old 12th October 2007, 4:06 PM   #6
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Same friend, just stood me up on something we arranged, and last spoke about on the day of the wheedling, and has not replied or answered any of my calls. I guess my instincts were spot on. I felt I needed a good friend at the moment. I am pretty upset about this.
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Old 12th October 2007, 7:50 PM   #7
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Sorry to hear that Spind.. Dont know what to say really, heres a /hug tho.
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I tell you that as long as I can conceive something better than myself, I cannot be easy unless I am striving to bring it into existence or clearing the way for it. ~George Bernard Shaw
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Old 13th October 2007, 4:12 AM   #8
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ive been stood up too when ive really needed a friend to go out with and just forget all my woes, i havnt gotten quite upset about it and think how could they. but in the end it just made me stronger again because AGAIN i had to pick myself up. then i come to peaceful mindset that they really probably dont know how much i needed them at that time, and have their own problems/issues that maybe i dont even know about. i ended up just kind of shrugging it off... not forgeting it but definetely forgiving.

its hard when you feel that you cant even turn to your friends, ive been there. you have to find the friend in yourself for the time being.


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Old 13th October 2007, 9:21 AM   #9
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Thankyou everyone. I am not sure. I dont know whether to carry on the friendship or not. Its not I dont forgive her or anything, of course I love and forgive her, but I dont know if I am able to have a friendship like this at the moment.
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Old 13th October 2007, 9:40 AM   #10
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Most friendships in my experience go through some rougher times. Personally I tend to forgive and forget, in time. But thats just me.
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Old 13th October 2007, 10:33 AM   #11
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I think everyone is missing the point. Its not about the standing me up.
But it doesnt matter, I will figure it out.
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Old 13th October 2007, 11:48 AM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Spinderella View Post
I think everyone is missing the point. Its not about the standing me up.
But it doesnt matter, I will figure it out.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Spinderella View Post
I am not sure. I am paranoid now about why exactly the wheedler was after the information, and that has got my mind spinning. I feel like a direct confrontation, i.e "what exactly was that conversation about?". This wheedler, is supposedly a best friend, and so I feel betrayed, considering the subject of the conversation, somebody else who hurt me quite badly, and she was witness to, and the fact that she was reintroduced to the person.
This isnt the first time something like this has happened with her, but, I always find myself letting things go. I feel like okay, I am not sure I want this friendship. I suppose its either keep the friendship, or have the confrontation. I doubt that a confrontation would result in any honesty, though.
I think the above is your point. You didn't give all the details but I think I can read enough between the lines and my take is this. Whether there is intent by the wheedler to cause you unrest or not, you're experiencing distress.

I'll give you back your own advice since it is very good advice! Take care of yourself first. Be good to yourself. If it's too hard to be friends with her now, take a timeout, rest and recover.

You can always change your mind about engaging as friends with her later if she behaves differently and it doesn't upset you. Life is too good and too precious to squander it with a Debbie Downer wheedler who makes you feel crappy in the now.

Carrot
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Old 13th October 2007, 12:11 PM   #13
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Yes Carrot, Thankyou! Thats what I was thinking, I dont know why I needed it validated, but I did. I suppose I felt guilty about it, like maybe it implied a defect in me, that I could not handle that. Also maybe it implied that I thought I was perfect, in my judging of another. I realise now, I am not really judging, only judging that its not good for me.

P.S I didnt mean to sound ungrateful to anybody else who gave me advice. I think I felt criticised by the advice, because it confirmed my fears that maybe I should be able to handle it, and I have a defect. So sorry. Thats something I need to work out in myself.
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Old 13th October 2007, 12:44 PM   #14
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Originally Posted by Spinderella View Post
Yes Carrot, Thankyou! Thats what I was thinking, I dont know why I needed it validated, but I did. I suppose I felt guilty about it, like maybe it implied a defect in me, that I could not handle that. Also maybe it implied that I thought I was perfect, in my judging of another. I realise now, I am not really judging, only judging that its not good for me.

P.S I didnt mean to sound ungrateful to anybody else who gave me advice. I think I felt criticised by the advice, because it confirmed my fears that maybe I should be able to handle it, and I have a defect. So sorry. Thats something I need to work out in myself.
Spind, female aggression is insidious. That's why.

The aggressor steps back as if taking the high road and says coolly, I don't know why you're upset. I'm not upset. Since I'm not upset, I don't have problems. You're the only one who's upset so you obviously have problems and they're your making because see, I'm not upset. I'm calm and therefore rational and therefore right. You're emotional and therefore irrational and therefore wrong.

Does it remind you of anything? It's a typical abuse pattern between men and women, children and parents. People just don't readily see it in every day communication between girls and girls, women and women.

Yah.
You're discerning = you're recognizing something that's observable.
You're discriminating = you're noticing differences between things.
You're judging = you're forming an opinion.

I'll take that intelligence over lemming behavior every time!

{{{hugs}}}} You're lovely.
Carrot

Last edited by carrotgirl; 13th October 2007 at 12:53 PM..
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Old 14th October 2007, 10:12 AM   #15
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Thankyou Carrot. You are lovely too.

You have totally got it. This is exactly it. I really needed that insight.
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