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What if contact makes me feel better ??


Nikki99

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We broke up last Saturday night.... It was the 3rd break up in 6 months. We were together a year.

I wrote him and told him that I was very hurt. He responded 2 days later via email with the "it's not you it's me...i don't know what i'm doing or where i'm going in life......i don't know where i'll end up.... i'm a mess.... i will always have a warm place for you in my mind and heart....."

He's 45 yrs old. It was basically similar to the same kinds of heartfelt apologies he gave me the past 2 other times he walked out of my life.

I would cry, write, text, and grovel. After not getting anywhere, I would fall flat off the face of the earth.

And, soon after, he would make contact via email.

First time it took him 10 days before he got the revelation that he loved me and wanted to build a life together.

2nd time it took him 5 days to realize it.

The real issue here is the ex-wife. She ALSO groveled, cried, begged, refused to move on..... needed him, adored him, would change for him, and this went on for pretty much the whole year he was with me and trying to move on from her.

Past few weeks he's been distant (again)..... and i figured, he's talking to her. I don't have proof, but I'm pretty sure he's going back and forth again to her..... reason I say this is each time he came back to me, it was after getting with HER again and once he was with her, he would say WHAT HE HELL AM I DOING AGAIN and she would do something to set him off.... he would remember why they broke up..... he would feel trapped and begin to miss me.

Problem was, when he was with me, he would miss HER. And of course, she didn't do No Contact. She called ALL DAY EVERY DAY for months.

(and i think back now.... i think maybe he liked that...)

well, it drove me to insecurity and insanity... but that's besides the point.

Now he's gone again from me.

and i have a question. do you think he will ever contact again? It has been a few days yes, and i know Joe. His M.O. is he was getting his ducks in a row again to split. he was probably talking to her on the side without my knowledge. i caught him in some general lies, and i finally cut it saying i'd had enough. He agreed willingly! So i think he was already mentally gone before he pushed me to end it.

So it's ended.

Problem is, I still have some things I WANT TO SAY.

Whether he responds or not, i don't care.

I want to write them for my own benefit. This ended in the usual "canned" way again.

I know the best thing I can initiate is NC with him. But I'd like to say my last peace and then initiate it.

Any thoughts on this?

Here is what i would like to say, and then, I would like to disappear completely.....

I just want to speak my last peace.

 

[sIZE=3]I tried to call you once. i don't even know what i would have said if you answered....I don't know why i called. I miss your voice i guess.. I need to stop. i know that.[/sIZE]

[sIZE=3]I thought you would want to be friends, but guess you're really done with me. i get it. [/sIZE]

[sIZE=3]im not dumb, it's just hard. I know something's occupying you and i think i know what it is.....i just don't get how you can shift gears again so easily...the way this went down is hard to accept..... that this is really the final ending for us..... it's like the story ended and i'm looking for the rest of the pages in the book because this ending doesn't make sense.... it's like watching a movie and you know there will eventually be a sequel because the ending to the first part was just too open-ended for more of a story to be told.... it's a wasted shame...... after everything we went through, ... how we helped each other with so many relationship & life issues.......you could just walk out on us and never look back to make sure i made it across the street okay.......................[/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3]i wish you had talked to me Joe. I always understood you in the past, and would have encouraged you to do what was right for you.. i just thought we were better friends than resorting to lies.... i think that's what hurts me the most. that you felt you couldn't come to me and spill things. i would have rather broken up but still been there for each other's jokes and problems and talks... then to lose you completely... i don't care so much if a woman touches your body. i just didn't want her to be able to touch your heart & stimulate your mind. i wanted that spot reserved for me. we leaned on each other and laughed together and that's what counted most. best friends, confidantes, companions i thought..[/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3]A lot more is being thrown away here than what it seems like on the surface. at least to me it is...[/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3]when u first met me you said 'i will always be in your life to some extent, even when you're an 80 yr old woman! I will always want to know how you are and we will always be great friends' ~ I don't know if i believe that anymore. you sure moved on fast.... but then i think no, you had a headstart with this break-up. that's why it was easy for you. you were gone for awhile by the time i found out, and you forgot to tell me.........something's got your focus now and it sucks because i can't talk to anyone about this and i can't just forget you.......i wish i could talk to cathy or someone but there's nobody.[/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3]i hate what you did and how you did it, but i still love you and that's the part that sucks.[/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3]i'm going to try to focus on myself now and just move forward on my own. i won't write you again; i know it's pathetic. and i know after what happened, i should say good riddance, but i know you better... i know you're a good man who makes not so good choices sometimes.... [/sIZE]

[sIZE=3]i hope you find what you want and need. [/sIZE]

[sIZE=3]You might be surprised to find that it isn't what you think it is right now. If that happens, I hope you realize that and really start doing things different in your life instead of making the same mistakes over and over. [/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][/COLOR][COLOR=#000000][/COLOR][COLOR=#000000][/COLOR]

you don't need to respond or call me; i didn't write for that; just to get a response....

I wrote because I wanted to....

[sIZE=3]i challenged you to be the best man you could be and to be TRUE to yourself. That's what set me apart from the others....[/sIZE]

[sIZE=3]Now that i'm gone, that task falls on your shoulders...[/sIZE]

 

i just wanted you to know that I do get you; i always understood you from the first day you started really talking to me about your life, and i know what makes you tick. One time, you told me 'nobody knows me the way you know me.'

You were right.

[/sIZE]

thoughts here? i mean it can't DAMAGE things more, can it? It's already over. he's moving on (again with her i think) ~ so really, is it so bad to send this? It would at least afford me the closure because i'm making the closure. As i left it last week, i wrote that i hoped we would always be friends, almost like i was "okay" with this (which i'm really not) and i let him go. he responded he was very very sorry, blah blah.... but now after having a few days... i want to say these things.....

thoughts?

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