He's Finally Leaving. But Why Can't I Handle It?

[jaycie724]

So those of you who have read my last couple of threads know that I've just gotten out of a 6.5 year relationship with someone who has cheated on me, repeatedly lied to me so much that I believe he needs mental help, and hurt me more than I thought was humanly possible. He still lives with me and spends many nights with his new girlfriend. Well he finally found a place yesterday and will be moving out in a week and half.

 

This is what I wanted. I knew that I couldn't handle any more nights where I know that he's blowing me off to be with her. But now the thought of him not living with me is making me feel like I'm starting all the way at the beginning in terms of mourning, etc. He's denying that he's moving in with her, but he just got an apartment thats 2 bedroom (there's no need, its just him and a dog, right?) and out of his price-range. I know its really none of my business anymore. But even if she doesn't move in with him, its the thought of her spending some nights with him, and her stopping by to hang out with him, etc.

 

I just don't get it. What is so terrible about me? Why did he leave me, why didn't he want to be with me? I don't know how to get through this. I feel like in a week and a half, I'll be sitting at home, so very lonely, while he's living the fun life with his new girlfriend. He's even told me he's ready to be a daddy to her daughter. How can he replace me so easily? With someone like her? I know that time is supposed to heal this pain. But I just can't make it through right now.

 

I can't keep living my life crying all the time. I can't even drive to work and keep it together. I can't keep it together at work. I have friends, but even they can't be around me all the time. I just feel like I'm never going to get through this. I'm so very upset.

[a4a]

He and his dog need to pack up and move in with the gf today...... not next week.

 

You will get through this and once you realize that you were actually treated as a lesser being you may even become angry with him.

 

Go with it.

 

I mean come on - are you going to miss the lies or cheating more?

[Kwo-ne'-she]

 

I just don't get it. What is so terrible about me?

There is nothing terrible about you. He is the one who was abusive and a cheater. You deserve better.

 

 

Why did he leave me, why didn't he want to be with me?

He left because, for whatever reason, he was unable to appreciate you. His problem, not yours.

 

I don't know how to get through this. I feel like in a week and a half, I'll be sitting at home, so very lonely, while he's living the fun life with his new girlfriend.

Being alone is better than being with someone, and feeling alone. That is the worst feeling of all.

 

How can he replace me so easily?

You can not be "replaced". You are you, and there is no one else who is.

 

 

With someone like her?

We often ask ourselves that. How can he be happy with her? The bottom line is, if you think she is somehow "worse" than you....that says a lot about him, doesn't it?

 

 

I know that time is supposed to heal this pain. But I just can't make it through right now.

Time does heal, but that isn't much comfort when you are sitting there with your heart ripped out. I know. And you can make it through this. It will hurt awhile, you have to give yourself time and permission to mourn the loss. Let the feelings out, in any way that you can. And then, you will start to move on.

 

While it is heartbreaking, soulwrenching, and life changing, to lose the one you love ~ one day you will accept that it wasn't meant to be, or it would have worked out. You will be stronger, you will love again, and you will find happiness again.

[jaycie724]

I know that in the long run this is best but I can't seem to get through the short run. I know I'm always whining about the same thing over and over, but I feel like I'm doing worse and not better.

 

I've lost 16.5lbs in less than 2 weeks. I can't eat, I can't sleep. Between the anxiety, knots in my stomach, and tightness in my chest, I can barely function. I can't concentrate..nothing I used to do for fun interests me. I'd just really like to make it through one work day without having to run to the bathroom and cry. I'd like just a couple of minutes of peace. I know that I'm the one who has to make this stop. I'm the one that has to take action and comfort myself, but where do I begin? How do I begin to pull myself out of what feels like a bottomless pit that I'm stuck in?

[polywog]

Dearest jaycie, I'm right there with you...maybe a bit ahead because I've been there before (end of a marriage about 11 years ago) and my break-up is a little ahead of yours. I know nothing I say can make your pain go away, believe me, but you and I are both going to move on and make it with people who can truly love us. I feel it. And it will be greater because we now know what we will accept from a real mate. Hang in there girl. The worst is almost over, really it is.

[jaycie724]

Dearest jaycie, I'm right there with you...maybe a bit ahead because I've been there before (end of a marriage about 11 years ago) and my break-up is a little ahead of yours. I know nothing I say can make your pain go away, believe me, but you and I are both going to move on and make it with people who can truly love us. I feel it. And it will be greater because we now know what we will accept from a real mate. Hang in there girl. The worst is almost over, really it is.

 

Thanks poly...I really hope you're right because I don't feel like I can get any lower than this. It almost makes it worse that I know I don't deserve someone like him and can do much better but I still can't stop myself from missing him so very badly. It almost makes it worse that I know I shouldn't be missing him like this but I do anyway. I seriously feel like he died or something...and its worse because when I start to get lonely and sad, I remember that he's with someone who is just out of high school with no education and a kid...and that makes it worse. What the heck does she have that I don't have?

[gmoise]

Sweety,

 

it will get better. I promise you. My boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me right after thanksgiving last year, and I was devasted. I cried everyday and I didn't think I would make it though the holidays or ever for that matter. He changed his phone number and email and has cut me out of his life completely. Their was no closure and he never admitted to leaving me for his ex-girlfriend, who he ran into while visiting his family at thanksgiving. I too couldn't get over how someone could just change overnight like that and replace me so easily. I hadn't done anything wrong but it didn't stop him from blaming the whole thing on me to ease his own guilt. Please take care of yourself, he's not worth it. It does get better, I don't cry everyday anymore and I'm starting to accept being on my own. You will feel stronger and more confident once you start getting over him. my personal email is [email protected]- write me anytime you want to talk- I'm here for you

[NEWDAY]

I'm sorry you are hurting, Jaycie. What bothers me is how wrapped up in this guy you have let yourself get. You need to enlarge your world and now is a great time to do it, even though all you may want to do is withdraw. You ask yourself what it is you don't have that she does-STOP IT! You are not lacking anything, you don't need to change anything, add anything or feel inferior in any way.

 

If this guy didn't appreciate you, someone else will. If you feel like he's the only one for you, consider his shabby treatment of you, the lies and betrayal and be glad you are out of that. He may well try to get back with you at some point, moaning and groaning about the terrible mistake he made. Hopefully by then you will see how pitiful he is and not fall into the mistake of feeling like a winner when you end up with a loser.

[Kwo-ne'-she]

Thanks poly...I really hope you're right because I don't feel like I can get any lower than this. It almost makes it worse that I know I don't deserve someone like him and can do much better but I still can't stop myself from missing him so very badly. It almost makes it worse that I know I shouldn't be missing him like this but I do anyway. I seriously feel like he died or something...and its worse because when I start to get lonely and sad, I remember that he's with someone who is just out of high school with no education and a kid...and that makes it worse. What the heck does she have that I don't have?

A boyfriend who has proven he can be abusive and cheat?

 

I know it is hard. When my last R ended, I sank into a depression that took me almost a year to crawl out of. I lost a lot of weight, hardly slept, cried more than I had ever known it was possible, had no interest in life, and was truly ready to just die. I promise, I am not spouting off advice about something I know nothing about. Been there, done that, got the T shirt.

 

Lean on family and friends. Talk to people. Get the emotions out. Write in a journal, if that helps. In time, it really does get easier and less painful. Try not to think about the future (long range) as that can feel overwhelming. Instead, for now, focus on today. Eat, go to work, talk with family or friends, watch TV, read, go for a walk, try to get some sleep. You just have to get through today. Keep going through the motions of life, and soon you will start truly living again.

 

*hugs to you*

[Ssheena]

Hi Jaycie,

 

In answer to you "why can't I handle it", it's because it JUST happened. I don't think anyone in your shoes could just "handle" it. I think a relationship ending is worse than having someone die (this is just my opinion, I don't know anybody who has died) because you know they are still alive, you know you could run into them and in your case, you know he is with some other chick who is wacked. If they are dead, that's it. It's final. Absolutely no chance of them coming back.

 

If you are having a really really bad time of it, go get help - get some therapy, get some anti-depressants and get to know who you ARE! Rediscover what you like. It's not going to be easy. You are going to have good days (maybe first just a good hour or two) and bad days.

 

This is, I think, normal the way you are feeling and what is going on but trust me and trust the others of us that have been through it. You will survive.

 

Please lean on us anytime you want. Private message us or post or whatever. It sucks what you are going through and there is no "easy" way through it but you will be so much stronger once you are through it. No timelines either. Focus on one day (or one hour) at a time. Watch the earth change and come alive again and renew itself now in the springtime. Find joy where you can.

 

All the bests!

[AriaIncognito]

 

I think a relationship ending is worse than having someone die (this is just my opinion, I don't know anybody who has died) because you know they are still alive, you know you could run into them and in your case, you know he is with some other chick who is wacked. If they are dead, that's it. It's final. Absolutely no chance of them coming back.

 

 

I totally agree with this. I always feel bad saying it, as death isn't something to be lessened, however, really, it would be "easier" for the dumpees if the dumper were dead, because then, you are forced to move on. I guess this is why NC is promoted a lot here. NC is the closest to "dead" that we can get with our exes. If they aren't in your life anymore, it's all about adjusting to your life without them. Of course, it's hard to accept NC when you know they are within reach, phone/email/etc.

 

Hugs go out to you. I know it sucks. I'm there too. I just hope that one day, I'll get to find out why all my previous relationships didn't work out the way I wanted them to.

[jaycie724]

Hey All,

 

Thank you again for all of the kind words. I've been away from LS for a couple of days, but only because I've been busy and not because I'm doing better...unfortunately.

 

He moves out on Friday...two more days and as the time draws closer I just get more and more sad. It's a different kind of sad, though. Like, I don't want him back anymore, but I just don't want to see this end. Even though it ended months ago before I realized it. I guess its just that natural yearning to go back to better times before all the bad stuff happened. He and I were packing some stuff up yesterday (we have 6 years worth of our stuff all mixed in together) and I found my scrap book that I maintained during the first 5 years of our relationship...every card, note, ticket stub, picture, etc was in there and I just sat there and stared at it and couldn't stop crying. He just stood there and watched me. Then he apologized. Like "sorry" will make it better.

 

Its just this horrible pain in my heart and I know that time will make it go away, but this is just incredibly difficult to bear. I keep asking why he would do something like this to me. I wish I could get an answer, but then, don't we all?

[Ssheena]

HUGS. You are in mourning - nothing you are feeling is wrong, there is no time limit to feel better, just go with it and be gentle to yourself.

 

We are here for you.

[Trialbyfire]

jaycie, you know you're better off without him. He will probably cheat on her too as soon as the honeymoon phase is over. From the sounds of what you've mentioned in your post, no one deserves the type of treatment you went through. You're now free to heal and also after you heal, find another more healthy relationship.

 

I'm not sure why you don't tell him to get a hotel for the next few days or at minimum, go live with his OW. Why should you have to put up with his continued presence?

[jaycie724]

I'm just so tired of this...of feeling so sad and upset. I keep thinking about the situation over and over and over again. You know, there are people who bring out the best in you and people who bring out the worst in you. I believe that I brought out the best in Doug. While he was with me he went to school, worked hard, focused on his career and family, and was an overall nice guy.

 

Somwhere around November when he started getting close to Stephanie, he changed. I believe that she's one of those people that brings out the worst in him. He's no motivated, he's doing poorly at work, he's not getting along with his family, he's sad and upset all of the time, and he's just generally not very nice (and then there's all that he's done to me). He's a proven liar, so bear that in mind, but he told me last night that Stephanie told him to break up with me a little while before he did because she didn't think he was being fair to me. So he broke up with me. My problem with that is...as a woman, she knew what he was doing to me and just let it happen. He's definately in the wrong here, but so is she. What sort of woman knowingly chooses to be in a relationship with a man who is capable of treating his fiancee like that? I guess she's the type...young, stupid, and looking for a meal ticket. She's only 20 years old...with a 2 year old and two ex-fiancees. WTF

 

Further, I believe that in a relationship, a person has a responsibility to hold their partner to some sort of moral guidepost...the degree to which, of course, depends on the couple. But how can this be a healthy relationship if she advocates him treating me this way...and if she is ok with the way his life is falling apart. Since he's been with her he just isn't a good person. He doesn't even take care of his dog. How can she say that she loves him when she's ok with him being that unhappy?

 

What's worse...why do I care? I know that I don't want him anymore, but I just can't seem to let go of him.

 

I want so badly to be able to say "screw him, he got what he deserved..they're both losers and they deserve eachother" but I just can't say it and mean it.

 

Sorry for whining so much, today is just a really bad day for me.

[hurting_in_nw]

Keep your head up jaycie...I know it's hard. I've managed to hold onto anger to get through it, I just have to deal with letting that anger out in a productive way. It sucks that people can treat those who love them so horribly...it's senseless and it wrecks your entire view of life. But there is another side. Take the focus off of him and put it on yourself...I wish you the best. Hang in there:)

[stace79]

I am right there with you. My ex decided to stop dating me to give things with an ex-girlfriend another try. I face the same thing you do, thinking about him having her over for the night, or them in the movies together, her visiting his family, etc. etc. It makes me want to throw up. And the sick part? He said he knows I love him more than she does, he knows he would have a good life with me, etc. However, he feels that there is something there he can't put his finger on that he has to resolve before he can be with anyone else.

 

Anyway my point to this was that yes, I'm miserable. I put myself in the hospital in January from lack of sleep and not eating. I lost about 20 pounds since December. I cry every day, usually multiple times. But it's something where, for a week I will feel like nothing will ever improve, but then miraculously today I haven't cried yet. I don't feel as panicky as I did last week.

 

The thing I know best is that someday -- maybe next week, or next month, or next year -- he is going to realize that they broke up for a reason, and that he is a moron for ever leaving me. And what he and I both know, is that by then it will be too late. I will have realized how much better I can do, how I never deserve to be someone's second choice and how I will meet a man three times what he was to me.

 

Yes, it sucks....literally you have to do ANYTHING to forget. Some time when you are angry, write or blog about your anger. Write down all the horrible things he did to you. Write down what a trailer trash piece of skankiness this new girl is. Then when you feel sad, read that and you will get mad. At least it worked some for me. And also remember that at least one other person out here feels like you do.

 

I know that in the long run this is best but I can't seem to get through the short run. I know I'm always whining about the same thing over and over, but I feel like I'm doing worse and not better.

 

I've lost 16.5lbs in less than 2 weeks. I can't eat, I can't sleep. Between the anxiety, knots in my stomach, and tightness in my chest, I can barely function. I can't concentrate..nothing I used to do for fun interests me. I'd just really like to make it through one work day without having to run to the bathroom and cry. I'd like just a couple of minutes of peace. I know that I'm the one who has to make this stop. I'm the one that has to take action and comfort myself, but where do I begin? How do I begin to pull myself out of what feels like a bottomless pit that I'm stuck in?

[jaycie724]

So he's moving tomorrow...and I am SO very sad. I miss him, more than anything in the world. This person that I call "doug" today is NOT my doug, he's someone different now. But I just keep finding myself yearning and wishing for the man I once knew...the one who I fell in love with. I just miss him.

 

I know its best that he leaves, but I don't want him to go...even though I know it isn't the same person. And I know its normal to feel this way but it is just so very difficult for me. I'm so tired of crying and missing him and feeling like I will never find anyone in this life who I love more than him.

[stace79]

There is one person you can love more than him right at this very moment, and that is you. One thing that helped me today is searching for one positive thing about life and humanity. Just find one tiny thing and hold onto it for dear life. And then tomorrow find one more thing. It IS so hard...it's almost worse than someone dying, because this is someone who is still alive, used to be such a huge part of your life, someone that you love with all your heart, and they are just abandoning you and hurting you. But there isn't anything we can do when that happens. I've started to just accept my sadness when it comes, and let myself cry without being hard on myself. We wouldn't get down on ourselves for being so grief-stricken if someone died, so why should this be any different, right?

[Guest]

Hello, I had that happen to me also about 7 years ago. I was with him for 8 years and we worked together. I got a phone call from the girl he was cheating with for 6 months. He moved out that week. I was crushed, coulnt stop crying, couldn't work, bc we worked together. I almost lost my job. My whole world fell apart, even though I knew he was not the one for me. He was an acholic and he was abusive. Somebody told me that sometime someone else moves into your significant others life to move them out of yours. Wow, that hit home, since I was in pain in the relationship. I started feeling soooo much better as time went on. Take one day at a time, try to surround yourseld with friends, it will be no fun at first, but you will see. it will get easier. My ex did marry this girl. He pushed her out of a moving car on ther honeymoon. She was in and out of the hospital from the abuse when he drank. She had him in and out of jail a few times. Today I hear they are devorced. He cant keep a job and sleeps in his car. I thank God everyday that this woman came along!! It could have been me. Even though I did not understand it at the begining. I now relize looking back I had guardian angels with me. I know one day he will kill somebody, that I do know, so think about this, everything happens for a reason. You will meet somebody new who loves and respects you, I know that is hard to see now, but it will happen. I hope this gives you some comfort, take care of yourself

[ruby_gloom]

So he's moving tomorrow...and I am SO very sad. I miss him, more than anything in the world. This person that I call "doug" today is NOT my doug, he's someone different now. But I just keep finding myself yearning and wishing for the man I once knew...the one who I fell in love with. I just miss him.

 

I know its best that he leaves, but I don't want him to go...even though I know it isn't the same person. And I know its normal to feel this way but it is just so very difficult for me. I'm so tired of crying and missing him and feeling like I will never find anyone in this life who I love more than him.

 

This post made me teary-eyed. Mainly because I am just a sap, but also because there just seems to be so much raw emotional pain and sensitivity in it.

 

Even though my experiences have not been similar to yours, I can still completely relate to your sentiment. It is so painful to see someone you love--looking just as they did many, many years ago--being a total stranger.

 

The feeling of wanting to be returned the person you fell in love with is very emotional, as well as very painful. Painful because sometimes you just can't understand just where along the line they started to change, and most importantly, how you didn't even notice it. It's sad, yes. Yes it is.

 

Many times I wonder if I will ever truly be in love once again. Well, I am in love, you could say, but this love will never amount to anything.

 

To think that not too long ago everything was as good as it could be, while now things are (seemingly) as worse as they can be is another hard thing to deal with. The memories are the ones that hurt the most.

 

The truth is that you might not find someone who you love as much as you love(d) him. You certainly will never find anyone you love in the same way, that's for sure.

 

However, imo, that is highly improbable, and while it might take you a long time (or maybe it won't; you never know) to get over this and to find another whom you will entrust your heart to, I am almost completely certain that it will happen for you.

 

And for the rest of us here--I've sure it'll happen for us, too. Well, maybe except me, haha.

 

One of the worst things about the future is the uncertainty it is hold. And yet, one of the best things about the future are the amazing surprises that might come about that uncertainty.

 

I know it's tough now. Believe me, I know. But I am sure you will be just as happy as you once were, if not more, someday. How long that will take, well, that, my friend, no one knows.

[whichwayisup]

I just don't get it. What is so terrible about me? Why did he leave me, why didn't he want to be with me?

 

You didn't do anything wrong. This is all about him and his selfish needs. He isn't the person you once fell inlove with, so please, don't blame yourself.

 

There is nothing terrible about you.

 

Cry and cry it out, but just make sure to get out and have abit of fun with friends or visit your family. He was part of your life for so long, that is hard to move on from, even if he is an a-hole and a cheater.

 

I'm sure once he's out and away from you, you'll be able to heal better without having to see and talk to him daily.

 

Hang in there, I feel for what you're going through.