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Ok im not a drama queen or looking for attention or normaly a weak person but im now getting to the point where everyone around me including family and friends are getting really worried about me. I can NOT snap out of this hurt and depression. 10 years with someone is a long time, 9 of those was like a fairy tale romance so the 1 year that was shi# does not outway the 9 good years even though she cheated on me.

 

I accept it's over I accept we are NEVER going to be together again but the dead feeling i have inside with waves of pain and depression that happen all day everyday for 6 months nearly are becoming something i can no longer cope with. I feel lost without my wife and son, it feels like ive just been released from prison and let out into socioty and don't know what to do with myself. I wander around the shopping center looking at everyone thinking how normal their lives are, i get paraniod and jumpy if someone shouts loud near me, im a complete wreck.

 

Been to the doctors tried some prozac didnt like the feeling of them so stopped taken them. I don't want to be a total zombie on meds so I won't try anything else. The only comfort i get in myself is thinking if i wasn't here the pain would stop. I went to see a counciler and that did not help but made me worse infact, she just told me everything i already new that i have lost alot and it's only normal to feel like this.

 

My wife has destroyed me, im 1/10th of the man i used to be, i feel worthless a failure and can not bare to think of her marrying again and for my son to be bought up by someone else. All i see is black in my head, i feel like a dying animal that needs putting out of it's misery. She's ruined so much about me and what i was that i feel ashamed to be near people that know me.

 

Please tell me it will get better, these thoughts of not being here will stop the pain are scaring me.

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Yes, it will get better. You are not alone - there are many who have felt your kind of pain and who have come out the other side. It's a slow process, take one day at a time. Please make sure to do something good for yourself each day, even if it's a small thing. Lean on your friends and family for support; if your counselor wasn't helpful, try to find a different one. There are probably support groups online for divorced dads, too.

 

Good luck to you. :bunny:

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LakesideDream

Juk, know that you are not alone. Many of here, including many males have gone through the same thing, and felt the same way. I include myself in the group.

 

Like many who will follow here I will tell you that it WILL get better. Things may never get back to the way you remember them, but life will continue in a reasonably satisfying condition.

 

One piece of advice: If your ex-wife left with the "cheater"... it actually does destroy the memories of your marriage. It taint's every good thought you have. That's just the way it is. Healing begins when you stop thinking about it.

 

At first I set limits for myself. I let myself hate her at will... then an hour a day in the morning, then 30 minutes, then 15, and 5... until it didn't matter anymore. Ocassionally after seven years I will see something that will trigger a memory, and my response is usually "you make me sick" or just plain ol' "I hate you" said aloud to nobody at all.

 

I hope you have better luck, but frankly.. if you don't, it's OK cause as long as you live through the hell, you can know you are a winner.

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No she did not leave with the man she was having an affair with, i know that for certain. Whether or not they have met up and stayed in hotels or whatever is anyone's guess. The man she was text messaging back and fourth has been thrown out of his home, his wife is divorcing him and want's to ruin him and they funny thing is she does not even know about my wife and him it's because he's a marrige wrecker and a complete ars# hole. I hope to god he rots in hell.

 

When i found out about my wife and him i tried and tired to keep things together but i could not let go of the hurt so took it out on my wife by calling her names and acting like a jerk. But i was destroyed i could not cope with what she had been doing behind my back. All this BS about i did not get enough attention is not an excuse, if your unhappy then leave and if you want to work things out then say, when this or that has changed i will come back, until then im moving out.

 

Do people realise the devastation that affairs bring into other peoples lives. My mother and father live in another country, the chances of them seeing their grandson again are slim. They are totaly heartbroken and even had to put the pictures away of their grandson because they are hurting so much. It's OK for the wifes parents they get to see their grandson everyday, they DO NOT GIVE A TOSS about anyone but themselves.

 

You know when your trying to cope with all this crap and sometimes you feel OK for an hour or 2 well don't it just feel GOOD to feel normal again for an hour or 2. Then bam back to the bottom less pit of dispear.

 

Sorry for the rant but this does help a little typing how i feel to the world.

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That hour or two will eventually extend to three and so on, over time. You will get better, you will eventually feel better - just give it time. This is the worst of it, rock bottom. Nowhere to go but up.

 

Try reading some threads in the Infidelity section, and in the Separation and Divorce section of this forum. It might help you to read about others' situations and how they have coped. The advice given in those forums is typically from people who have been in those same shoes previously, so there might be something useful for you there.

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Depression is a disease. It is normal to feel devastated in your situation. It feels unfair. Understand what you are going through is normal, but you have a disease. You seem to be blaming yourself for things outside of your control and are mad at yourself for being weak. You are not weak.

 

What kind of training/therapy does your counselor invoke? I'm not a professional but what has worked for me when I enter a depression is cognitive behavioral therapy. I can't say this is right for you, but you can either (1) keep going to your current counselor and see how things progress or (2) find someone else with a different background and training.

 

Also, reconsider medications. I don't know how long you took them, but most of the side effects disappear after 6 weeks, which is when SSRI's actually start working! If one drug doesn't work, try another. Sometimes you can combine SSRI's with anti-anxiety agents such as xanax or ativan. Being on medications does not make you weak. Nor does it make you a zombie. People who go on medications, and seek therapy, are usually some of the most successful people. Do it. You know you need to do it. Stop making excuses.

 

You are thinking about your son and that makes you a good father. You are thinking about your parents and that makes you a good son. Who you need to be thinking about, however, is YOU. Be selfish right now. Don't be absent from your son, but refrain from thinking you won't be there for him. You will. I'm not advocating seeing him less, but don't worry about him. He'll be fine. You'll still play a large roll in his life. I can tell from your tone that you are a very loving person capable of strong intimacy. You will have that with your son. Be good to yourself and do what you need to do to get better.

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Please tell me it will get better, these thoughts of not being here will stop the pain are scaring me.

 

Juk...it will get better, but the sadness/pain won't completely fade for quite some time. But it will get tolerable...trust me.

 

I know exactly what you mean about the emptiness. I too feel that way...like a robot just going through the daily motions - doing what is expected of me and little more.

 

It's so damn hard when at one point in your life, you were full of happiness, so full of hope for the future...to map out your life with the person in it, very often mapping it around that person. And then - BAM. It's over, your hopes, plans, joy...all gone.

 

And then you're left in your new, quiet and empty life saying..."now what?"

 

Well, I think it's the NOT knowing...the uncertain future that adds to the pain. We wonder if we'll ever know that kind of joy and security again. We wonder if we'll ever love that much again. We wonder if the damage done can be repaired, and we fear it can't.

 

Yep..I know exactly where you're coming from.

 

But you know what? Time is God-awful slow when you're in pain, but it IS the cure...and it CAN repair that which seems hopeless.

 

And that's what we have to hold onto. Hope and faith that our lives will once again be filled with happiness, peace...and eventually love.

 

Hang in there!

 

~T~

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For the last couple of day's things seemed to improve a little. However the sun is shining in the UK today and im back to square 1 again. I've been for a walk amongst many people out and about, going about their business.

 

I stood outside a shop after buying a drink and the feeling of absoulte loss overwhelmed me like it was day one again. Our good times always seemed to be when the sun was out especially spring/summer time. When we first met it was summer time and from then on nothing or no one was going to come between us (until 10 years later)

 

The problem with me is, i can't keep the new person she has changed into in my head long enough. This new person i hate, this person i don't know anymore. All i seem to get are reminders of what she used to be like for 9 years, the good times we had, the intense love we shared, why can't i hate this woman after all what she has put me through?

 

So i came home again back on the internet, im becoming a recluse. I make my living from the internet also so interaction with people in the day time is limited.

 

Im really really considering going traveling around the world with my laptop and a small holdel of clothes. But i will miss my 3 year old boy like crazy and he will miss me to. Am i being slefish by going off and trying to get over this heartache? Surely it would be better to return in say 6 months time strong and feeling a heck of alot better for my son's sake as well as mine.

 

What do you think?

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Trialbyfire

Do you have joint custody over your son? The relationship was broken by her infidelity so why do you have such little access or am I misunderstanding?

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She has not stopped me from seeing him whenever we make arrangements, which is once or twice a week. We have not been to court about joint custody as access has not yet been denied by her. If it turned out that i could't see him then i would be contacting a solicitor right away.

 

What my concerns are is if i go off and travel for a few months to sort my head it out it will have to much of a negative impact on my son. Then again i dont seem to be able to get back to my normal self for 6 months and i want to enjoy my time with him and let him see his dad happy and strong. That's why im considering going away for a while to see if that will help.

 

This has nothing to do with me wanting to just enjoy myslef and sod everyone else its only to try and get back to my normal self again. That day can not come soon enough.

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Trialbyfire

Please be careful as it could be construed as abandonment with your son. If anything I would contact legal counsel and get some advice about a written agreement in reference to joint custody and your desire for some time away.

 

Getting away isn't a bad idea to get your head straight but you have more than yourself to consider in this situation.

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