RocketMan2 Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 Well in my typical way I've been running 1000s of thoughts through my head, over and over. But I think I've got the the bottom of my coping issues... My problem in letting go of the ex stems from my non existant self confidence/esteem. It's an issue for therapy. You feel anxious/scared or depressed alone don't you? Is your self-esteem dependent on whether you have a man in your life? Or you feel bad about yourself when you're alone because you think it means you're inferior. You need the approval boost of having someone with you all the time - that's your "evidence" that you are worthwhile. It's a self-esteem thing that can be solved with CBT. I can't get over how accurately that describes me, particularly: "You need the approval boost of having someone with you all the time - that's your "evidence" that you are worthwhile." I feel so crap that that is true. I have a really bad image of myself. I really don't think im very attractive. I don't think I'm bad looking... but i dn, maybe ill post a picture or something. I just never get any female attention - and i cant see how im going to be in a position to get any with my current lifestyle (work in small company, few friends). I know im stuck in a vicious circle of feeling ugly, so being antisocial etc etc. Thats why i long for the ex so much, because i feel i was 'lucky' to recieve interest from such a stunner, and i shouldnt waste the chance because im unlikely to get another. How do I break this cycle? Its a really crappy feeling to have never recieved any compliments. Honestly it really really hurts . I mean never. I feel so low (this has always bothered me, not just now while im down about the ex) What bothers me most is that im almost 22 but i look about 16. In fact, i know 16 yr olds who look older than me. My ex never gave me any compliments either and i did bring that up with her, but that inconsiderate wench never made any effort to do anything about it What do i do? Rocket Link to post Share on other sites
miss snoopy Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 Just to say something about self esteem and self worth.. I know I'm of above average attractiveness, people compliment me all the time and tell me I could be the double of a famous model (won't say which! But we're the same height, size, shape) I have a great job and earn a good salary. Nice apartment and car, lovely friends, go on nice holidays. Very healthy. I could go on and on... But I have really low self esteem when it comes to romantic relationships. I was this way with friendships but not any more. So what changed with friendships? Why am I no longer desperate for approval and validation from friends, desperate to be liked by them as I was 10/15 years ago? Well, by having real, genuine close friendships, I learnt what a healthy platonic relationship was and that I could be comfortable without friends for a while - I didn't need to belong to any group for my self worth. And I also learnt what I couldn't stand for and how to let go. I'm now working on having the same mindset for relationships. I didn't consider myself attractive and all the other stuff I said in the first paragraph until recently, and anyway all that stuff doesn't come naturally. You can boost your self esteem by consciously improving things that lend themselves to change. Then use the experiences you have (break ups etc) to help you work on yourself. Tell yourself you were in the wrong relationship. Attractiveness is very subjective and even if it isn't, every guy I've been with has gone ga-ga over my physical appearance but where are they now? You have to radiate something that attracts people - confidence, self respect, happiness, contentment.. don't beat yourself up because people don't tell you you should be Brad Pitt's double. If your personality's ugly that's what people will see. You're still young anyway so plenty of time to change your mindset. If I could change mine, anyone can. Link to post Share on other sites
alasia Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 I see myself as funny-looking. Not really ugly...kind of pretty but nothing special, you know? I'm slim, people say I have nice eyes and I have long dark hair and quite a big umm...chest People say I'm pretty and I do get a lot of male attention, but the only reason for it (IMO) is because they see my boobs and nothing else. As a result, I feel so insecure in relationships, thinking that the guy is only with me for one (well...two!) body part and that's it. I agree with MS; you need to work on your self confidence and realise that however cliched it sounds, beauty comes from within and attractiveness is subjective. I need to do that too Link to post Share on other sites
Author RocketMan2 Posted February 7, 2007 Author Share Posted February 7, 2007 Thanks for the advice guys. I know I need to do something about it, I just don't know what action to take or how to go about it Rocket Link to post Share on other sites
alasia Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 I know, it's easy to give vague advice like 'get more confidence'. Does it help to think everyone, however stunning they are sometimes has doubts about how good looking they are? And is it just about looks for you; are you happy with your personality? Would you really be happy knowing you're amazing-looking, but are deathly boring, or really stupid, or so arrogant that every woman within a fifty-mile radius is completely turned off you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author RocketMan2 Posted February 7, 2007 Author Share Posted February 7, 2007 Yeah I am happy with my personality, apart from the detremental affect my bad self image has on it, I.e. acting like a doormat to my ex. I'm 100% happy with how I act when im on a date with someone. If it doesnt work out I dont think id feel rejected or whatever, because I know i've had a chance to show them who I am, and if they dont like it then fine I'm not shy, I just don't feel confident approaching girls out of the blue. I've got no problem with my ability to turn on the charm with someone i fancy and ive known for a while. I'm just not confident approaching people randomly. I guess if i could conquer that id feel a lot better about myself. Its not fear of rejection as such (i think ive just realised the answer to my own quesiton here while thinking what im gonna write next...) I guess because ive felt down about it for so long, ive stopped myself developing any skills to interact well with new people and im in a vicious circle. So then im afraid to approach people because I dont think im good looking enough to hold their attention long enough for them to get to know me, and I'm useless as small talk so basically im stuffed! Does that make sense? I know the advice is going to be just get out there and meet people, but my life just isnt configured in such a way that i can easilly. Im never around different people any more (since uni/college), apart from in nightclubs when theres so much pressure anyway. Rocket Link to post Share on other sites
polywog Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 Hi Rocket, You said on your other posts that you blagged a therapy appointment on Monday. That's just in 5 days, hooray! This will be your ticket. Once you embark on the process of retrieving your strong self, which is waiting to blossom with the help of therapy, the "self-confidence" will just happen naturally, your "attractiveness" will be a happy by-product of a man who is winning himself back, moving forward with his life. I used quotations because these terms are really kind of ephemeral, if you think about it. One can want to be these things, but these things aren't exactly goals, they happen naturally when we grow strong, get well. Am I making sense? I had some thoughts about your ex while reading your post. It occurred to me that she is (maybe unconsciously) a bully who was drawn to your vulnerability so she could act out on her own self-loathing. Once you heal a bit, you will not attract women who are like this. Obviously she is not a happy person at all, and I would feel sorry for her if I did not feel pissed off by how much hurt she's put you through. You are too good for the likes of her. She sounds neither self-confident nor attractive, really, she is f****d up. You are suffering from a broken heart, so you yearn for her, but realize that how she treated you resonates so much more because of your own deeper issues with your insecurities. Look at this rotten experience with her as the kick forward that will ultimately result in the Super Rocket. I speak from experience here; my first big dumping, by a guy who looked like a model but was a total jerk, brought up the issues for me that you are dealing with, and it sent me into therapy which was a great gift. Gawd, this is a long post... the coffee is kicking in! Link to post Share on other sites
Author RocketMan2 Posted February 7, 2007 Author Share Posted February 7, 2007 Hey poly, thanks for the kind words Yeah I do realise that these things aren't 'goals' or things which can be measured quantitatively, which is why i think i fear or rather have difficulty understanding how to achieve 'them'. I think my difficulty there lies in me being a really logical person. I like things to be clear cut and have a definitive answer. Everything does have an answer, just because no-one knows what it is, doesnt mean its not so! I wish I could relax on this front! I know i'm not completely over the top, because I've got a friend who's got exactly the same mentality as me, only hes far worse. He gets (rather immaturely) into really mad arguments when someone talks about fate or god controlling things, not random particle fluctuations or whatever science he tries to babble Hes a good lad though I can see myself in him, but I can also see the point at which i'd restrain myself and just agree to disagree whereas he goes wild lol. Hopefully therarpy will help - not sure how tho, any tips on what to expect would be cool I'm starting to realise just how naive ive been with life and people. What you said about her using/bullying me really interested me... I didn't know her before we started dating, and i think her move to be with me was a massive lifestyle change for her. I was her first proper bf who wasnt just a teenage fling or whatever. This next point is pure speculation (as ive no hard evidence), but i think its pretty accurate. When she was at school/college i get the impression that her and her gang of mates were kind of the 'mean girls' of her year, and I think she was one of the ringleaders of her bitchy friends. You know the popular IT girls. She knew she was attractive and probably used it to whatever advantage she could. Ive said this before but not tied it into the above point, when she said she wanted to make 'us' official i was like "are you sure you want to be committed, you know youre young and free and probably want to be single" (because i didnt want her to change her mind and end up hurting me - that worked :-S lol) and she was like "no, ive done all that". My point is... I'm wondering if our relationship was a lot like a 'typical' bad guy and good girl. Where she sees him as a project to change him, only its the other way round. I'm probably getting carried away with my imagination here though. Like i said its hard to judge because i cant see the big picture, annoying! The fact that she could act so totally different to how i thought i knew her is kinda adding to my suspicion that there is more to her than ive been exposed to. I feel totally out of my depth when i try and understand the relationship. Are people really that scheming to be thinking something totally different to how theyre acting? I really cant accept that it seems too far fetched. Oh i dn :s Rocket Link to post Share on other sites
alasia Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 I think my difficulty there lies in me being a really logical person. I like things to be clear cut and have a definitive answer. Everything does have an answer, just because no-one knows what it is, doesnt mean its not so! I wish I could relax on this front! Oh my goodness, you're just like me! Sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
polywog Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 No, I don't think people are always so scheming at all. But I do think that people act out of who they are at a time in their lives, and that they don't always know who they are, and don't even realize it. It's like, we all enter relationships with the best intentions, right? Or most of us do, at least, lol. But the baggage crops up eventually even tho we don't want it to. The better we know ourselves the easier it is to see that coming, and that wisdom just comes with experience and making the effort to look into ourselves (therapy). Logical is a good trait, but it's humbling and gratifying when we finally ease up on it as the only ruling principle. Let it exist with the more murky emotional, soulful part of us. Link to post Share on other sites
shockandawed Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 Rocket, So much of what you are saying sounds familiar. I think I function better as a couple than an individual. I guess because I spent so long married and ended up with my ex-fiance fairly soon after my divorce. Funny, I am in regional sales and have no problem dealing with new customers, presentations etc. But on the woman front, I am somewhat uncomfortable. Let me explain. Once I know someone, I can be very funny and charming. But at first, I really struggle. I have been set up a couple of times and I really have a hard time initially. Something that works for me is online dating, although I generally detest it. I can have no problem with showing my personality early with emails and or IMs. After a few such exchanges, I usually know enough about the girl that I can go on a date and be generally relaxed. The problem is it seems most of the people I meet online are general liars. LOL!! Link to post Share on other sites
Kelso Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 Thank you for describing me As you have seen from all the replies, you are far from being the one having this feeling. I know this feeling of emptyness soon after breakup and everything seemed just so hopeless. Next step for me was "trying to get her back" step. I wish that I could have escaped that step, as it proved to be the most difficult for me. Constantly trying to find ways to get her back - and letting me down. When I finally got through that stage around christmas (2,5 mths after breakup) the road was clear and I can feel difference every day. I have also one advice for you. Don't get addicted to LoveShack. It has helped me tremendously, but after certain time, it just started reminding me of my ex. It is so easy to get absorbed and if that happens ... LS starts to work against you. At least that's my experience. So just keep control of how you use LS. That's my only advice Hope you start feeling better soon...and I know you will start feeling better soon... Link to post Share on other sites
shockandawed Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 Kelso, I don't want to hijack Rockets thread, but I am curious how you stopped the "trying to get back stage". I have been broken up for nearly two months and seem trapped there. Unfortunately, everytime I finally try to move along, she throws things out to see if I am still dangling. I read you took a trip, is that what stopped it? Another link somewhere? Link to post Share on other sites
Author RocketMan2 Posted February 8, 2007 Author Share Posted February 8, 2007 I have also one advice for you. Don't get addicted to LoveShack. It has helped me tremendously, but after certain time, it just started reminding me of my ex. It is so easy to get absorbed and if that happens ... LS starts to work against you. At least that's my experience. So just keep control of how you use LS. That's my only advice Yeah that thought has already crossed my mind... I'm wondering if loitering here is actually breaking NC... Im trying to cut back on the amount of time i spend here, but I still want to be able to help people so I'm not going to disappear or abandon anyone who i hope ive been helping Kelso, I don't want to hijack Rockets thread, but I am curious how you stopped the "trying to get back stage". I have been broken up for nearly two months and seem trapped there. Unfortunately, everytime I finally try to move along, she throws things out to see if I am still dangling. I read you took a trip, is that what stopped it? Another link somewhere? No Hijack at all, I was considering starting a thread on this topic anyway. My friend has invited me over to america for some road trippage... I just dont want to be making a rash decision on a whim and regret it. I can see it really helping though... Rocket Link to post Share on other sites
shockandawed Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 Rocket, You end up over here, I will buy a few cold ones for you one night. Link to post Share on other sites
Kelso Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 Kelso, I don't want to hijack Rockets thread, but I am curious how you stopped the "trying to get back stage". I have been broken up for nearly two months and seem trapped there. Unfortunately, everytime I finally try to move along, she throws things out to see if I am still dangling. I read you took a trip, is that what stopped it? Another link somewhere? Well, there isn't just some one thing that I did. First of all you need to let it go. It was about new years when I realised that I couldn't spend all my time thinking about someone that didn't wanna be with me. I guess that this is necessary for you to be able to move on. I took a trip with my dad and my brother to France for about a week. It helped me a lot, because I was stuck in rut thinking about my ex. At 9 o'clock in the morning í thought "Well, now she's going to work". At 5 in the afternoon I thought "Well, now she's going home". All the time when I drove past some building I could think of some memory of us that had something to do with the building or the companies inside it. By getting away from my life for a week, I went into another environment, one where everything didn't remind me of her. After about a week I noticed that I though a lot less about her when I was in France and somehow I managed to reduce thinking of her when I got back home. Also, CaliGuy gave me amazing advice. Everytime she poppes into your mind, you have to forget that immediately. I just though..."WHO" everytime she popped into my mind and it prevented me from dwelling on thoughts about her. By dwelling on thoughts about her you are allowing yourself to overanalyse situations that won't happen ever in your life. So you don't need to. Just take it day for a day and eventually you will feel like a new person. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RocketMan2 Posted February 12, 2007 Author Share Posted February 12, 2007 Rocket, You end up over here, I will buy a few cold ones for you one night. Where abouts are you? Rocket Link to post Share on other sites
shockandawed Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 The wonderful state of Indiana. you get anywhere near, give me a heads up. I travel for work and can easily get to St. Louis, Chicago, Cincinnati etc.. as well. Maybe we can have an LS party somewhere! Link to post Share on other sites
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