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First time here.. Having a very difficult time coping and need some . .


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

 
 
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Old 21st November 2006, 9:54 PM   #1
Cassandra171
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Unhappy First time here.. Having a very difficult time coping and need some . .

Hi everyone

I dont want to make this too long for fear of boring everyone to death so i will just get the facts out because i am in desperate need of some advice.

My boyfreind broke up with me in May...We were together for a year, and in a long distance relationship (three hours apart). we loved each other. In a nutshell, he felt I did not appreciate him and treat him well. It was a bad break up, and he did not feel the same way, but i wanted to try and make it work. We continued to speak after that, as friends, everyday, although we did not see each other. during this time he told me that he wanted to see me again, because it had been a while, and because he felt like things might be able to work because he had felt that i understood why he broke up with me and why he wasn't happy. he said that he was going through a lot in his life when he broke up with me (he was) and he needed to see me with a fresh mind to see how he truly felt. he said he wasn't making me any promises. i agreed. and we eventually decided on seeing each other end of august, when we finally had some time(we were both very busy with work and grad school during this period). i went to see him, and we had a discussion, and he said that he loves me but he simply does not feel the same way, and he is emotionally exhausted and that he is sorry. i was heart broken.

now, he has a girlfriend and i torture myself by looking at his and her myspace, which thankfully they have made private. my problem is that i cant stop thinking about him. im very busy, and i think about him so much its gross. i wake up very early in the morning out of my sleep, and suffer from anxiety. so many thoughts run through my head. it makes me sick to think of him with this girl, i feel like i know her because i did such a great job torturing myself. i feel the need to constantly see if he is online, and find out info about him and his new gf, etc..i feel like im obsessed with this, and i don't know why im having such a hard time letting go and moving on.

he was my second love. he really hurt me with the way he broke up with me, and he said some really awful things to me , and generally did not treat me well at all after the break up. i don't know if im being like this because of what he has done to hurt me or whether i am just a very emotionally weak person. . Sometimes i feel like i may need professional help.. im just not coping with this well at all still, and i feel like its consuming my life and distracting me from whats important in my life.

ps. does anyone have a hard time reading the image verification or is it just me haha
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Old 22nd November 2006, 1:52 AM   #2
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You wont get image verification if you join as a member. That only shows up for guest posters, fyi, and yes, it is very hard to read.

Secondly, I'm sorry you're feeling down and still not over your ex. I know what it's like, to torture yourself with looking for any scraps of them that you can. It's not healthy, but yet, we are compelled to do it. I wish I had a way to tell you to stop doing it, heck I did it even when I was with some exes, who knows why. Maybe it's a trust issue, maybe it's just wanting to be more in their lives than you feel they are allowing, whatever the reason, it's not really healthy for us. Do your best to minimize it. If you have to do it, try to set mini goals, like only doing it once a day or once a week or whatever. I know it's tough, but if you truly want to let them go, you need to let go of the scraps as well.

Good luck to you. Read around, i'm sure you'll find many who can empathize with you.
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Old 22nd November 2006, 2:39 AM   #3
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There's never a better time than this to do something positive and gratifying for yourself (lol, i've said this a couple different times tonight in a couple different posts). But it works.

First of all, stay away from the whole MSN, myspace, whatever. As you know, it just exacerbates the pain you're already feeling.

Hit the gym, join a volunteer group, take on a new challenging project at work. These mundane activities can really help to amplify your confidence. Accomplishing new things, trying new things remind us of our worth. When you're feeling low, it's the small steps combined that lead you to a healthy recovery.

Your mind will be off him (them), and as you develop back some of that lost confidence that inevitably accompanies any loss, you'll slowly find yourself getting better. And when you're feeling better, you'll be ready to move forward with someone else more deserving of your love and companionship.

Hang in there,
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Old 22nd November 2006, 3:02 AM   #4
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Hey Sweetheart, I know what you are going through. My GF dumped me and she treated me bad as well. I used to do what you are doing; check her myspace profile but that just made the pain worse. Stop checking his myspace and for the time being bury all the things that remind you of him.

Don't think that you are an emotionally weak person because you feel hurt or have a tough time dealing with this because you are not. That is what we have been conditioned to think but the fact is that people who allow themselves to feel the hurt and pain are the people who are strong enough to say that you know what, even though this hurts I am going to deal with it and not ignore it.

Go out and have fun. Hang out with friends. Go on drives. EAT ICECREAM.

Goodluck.
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Old 22nd November 2006, 3:41 AM   #5
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lol.. well as you can guess from my latest posts in the Second Chances section... MSN, Myspace, etc only lead to trouble.

But I know what you mean, its so hard not to want to know, despite how he treated you. You're not over him is basically what it comes down to. I can't tell you how to make it easier or hurt less, if i did, i would help myself out, but know that you aren't alone.

Try your hardest I guess to stay away from stuff that reminds you of him, or makes you think of her, it will only slow down your progress.

I wish you well tho- and hopefully things get easier for you.
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Old 22nd November 2006, 11:24 AM   #6
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Excellent advice from all above posters!

You are being like you are because you are hurt - most of us here have been in the same place you are now and know what you are going through.

Sooo.. find yourself a name and join. It's great to be able to help others and read others posts and know that you are NOT alone.
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Old 22nd November 2006, 10:12 PM   #7
 
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Thumbs up A warm Jersey welcome to our newest Coper...

Cassandra...

First of all, welcome to the group. Trust me when I say the people here know all too well how you probably feel, and you can learn so much from them. I sure I know I have.

The other posters are right. The first thing you need to do is stop torturing yourself by "stalking" your ex online. Looking at his Myspace, his webpage, checking for him on instant messaging... it's just going to keep him foremost in your mind, when honestly, he doesn't deserve to be.

I'm in a similar situation. My girlfriend left me for another man, and it totally devastated me. Even after over 5 months, it still hurts a lot.

But, there is a bright side to these things. Your boyfriend leaving you frees up time for YOU. YOU now have the opportunity to develop the person YOU are without distractions.

I give this list to all the new people here...

1.... Get to the gym. Get yourself a killer body. Make him regret giving you up, while at the same time, giving yourself new confidence...and a few wandering eyes... I'm down about 30lbs since my breakup, and I never could have done it WITH her!

2.... Meet new people. Your friends must have friends you've never met because you've spent so much time with this guy. You'll start going out again without him, giving you freedom to mingle and meet people. Who knows? The next party or club you go, you may meet someone BETTER.

3.... Work on your hobbies/get a new hobby. What is more rewarding than having a fun hobby? The best hobbies are ones that you DIDN'T share with your ex. I had plenty of them, so by indulging in them, I don't think about her. Also, finding a "social" hobby that lets you meet people is a great way to "restart". Join a bowling league. Join a social/networking group (we have a GREAT one here in NJ). Learn to swing/salsa/line dance. Life is about learning, and sometimes, concentrating too much on a "significant other" makes us forget about our own personal growth!

4. Post on LoveShack. I know I sound like a commercial for this place, but... click on my user name and read my old posts. Read where I was in my life when I first started here. I was a miserable wreck. Emotionally, I was out of control. I'm an outgoing guy, and I found myself curled up in a ball crying myself to sleep every night. The people here gave me great advice, even kicked me in the ass a few times to motivate me, and constantly reminded me that I CAN DO BETTER THAN HER. And to top it off, I met 2 women on here whom I can happily say are now 2 of my best friends in the whole world. We rely on each other at times for emotional support and advice, and I'd go to the ends of the earth for them. Sometimes, the best friendships develop from times of need.

Good luck to you, Cassandra, we are ALL here for you. Post anytime you need to vent, and don't be afraid to say what's in your heart.

You are among friends now, and you are safe here.

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