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Getting beaten up; emotionally, mentally, and now physically...


leopardprint

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I'm trying to stay positive, I really am, but it feels like the harder I try to get better, the worse things get.

 

Last night, everything came to a head again.

 

For the past 6 months, I have been dealing with alot between my relationship with my boyfriend/bestfriend, moving down south and away from all my friends, career and eduation changes, getting hit by a car, death of our beloved 17yr old cat, etc.

 

During this time, I have been arguing (to put it mildly) constantly with my parents (mainly my father). We used to be very close, and he used to tell me I could always count on them for support and help, but over the past 6 months, it has turned completely into the opposite.

 

It even seems when I don't argue back, just sit there and take it, it angers him more. He's constantly SCREAMING in my face about my failures, and that all my feelings of saddness and depression are "actting", over exaggerating, etc.

 

There was one instance about a month or so ago, where he heard me crying to myself in my room, and barged in jumping up and down, screaming. and cursing "F-this and F-that". He at one point shoved me down on the bed, and in my face started screaming "WAAAAAAAAA F'ING WAAAAAAAAA WAAAAAAAAA WHAT THE F' DO YOU HAVE TO CRY ABOUT!" so on and so forth. I was terrified of him at that point, and the more he screamed the more I cried. I felt horrible with myself to begin with, and now with this, I feel even worse, because I'm not a child or teen, I'm an adult, and I feel like maybe he's right. Maybe I have failed and let everyone down. Maybe I'm not supposed to be feeling sad or depressed, maybe it's immature to feel those things.

 

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So last night, it got to its worse.

 

I had just started my new job, I thought it would finally get him off my back and give me a chance to move out again. I'll admit, it didn't take my mind off of much, and I was desperately trying to hold back my tears all day, and hide my thoughts and depression. No one noticed, and although I'm happy, I wish someone had so I could speak to someone about it. Anyways... when I arrived home, I finally felt it was ok to go to my room and fall asleep for the rest of the night.

 

At one point, I awoke from a bad dream and started silently crying to myself. I was just frustrated and sad, and it was mostly just sniffling. I have NO idea how he heard, but he did, and again barged in.

 

I tried to hide it, but he knew. He flipped out again. He was screaming how nothing will ever been good enough for me, that I'll always be unhappy and I deserve that. That I deserved to get played and lied to and strung along by the men I fall inlove with, that I don't deserve a successful career, that I don't deserve to finish my last credit hours for my degree I was working on.

 

He then proceeded to smash things in my room, screaming how they should be me. How I deserve to get the sense beaten into me. I was actually beginning to fear for my life - from my own father. He then found some of my oil paintings I had done, and the ones with my ex in them, he started punching holes in and screaming about my priorities and such. That's when I finally opened my mouth; I would not let him destroy my work, my hard hard work, all my passion and emotions went into those pieces.

 

I stood up and tried to grab one from him, yelling to please just stop and leave me alone. He turned around and knocked me off my feet and into my bed. I fell and hit the sharp corner of my bed frame, nearly tearing my leg open. When I was on the floor he kicked me, still screaming "WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO, HUH?? WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?? DON'T YOU EVEN THINK OF COMING AFTER ME!" etc. I was so scared I just huddled in a ball and cried as he kept screaming and kicking me.

 

My mother finally came up, screaming he was scaring the dogs, and yanked him out of the room. I ran, locked the door, and ran into my closet. I could hear him outside my door screaming and yelling, and banging on it to unlock it or he'd kill me. I just hid in my closet and cried.

 

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My now-ex, is and has always been my bestfriend. We have been dealing with so much these past 6 months, but he has always told me he would always be my bestfriend and be there for me when I needed.

 

I was so scared of my father ripping down that door and coming through. I was scared of myself. I felt I couldn't handle any of this anymore, it was too much, I felt like I was doing to waste away and die from misery.

 

I just wanted my bestfriend.

 

I called... twice... and left a message through tears telling him my father had beaten down on me, that I was scared, etc. He ignored it. He ignored both calls and my message and never called all night as I crouched in that closet for hours. Why would he lie to me? Why would he lie to be about being my bestfriend... about always being able to call and be there? Was it all just out of pitty, the things he said? Was he never my bestfriend? Was he just using me as HIS bestfriend to confind in, etc.? I've never been so hurt in my entire life.

 

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I don't know what to do anymore. I try and try to make the situation better between my parents, between my now-ex, between myself. I feel like I can't handle any of this anymore; I don't want to cry, I don't want to hurt. I have NO ONE to turn to anymore, NO ONE to talk to. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I don't know who I can even trust anymore; I can't trust my parents, I can't trust my "bestfriend" anymore. I can't stop thinking about just wasting away in my bed, or falling asleep and not waking up again. I don't want to be hurt or scared.

 

I don't know what to do or where to go or who to talk to anymore.

 

I'm so scared.

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Dear Leopardprint...first off, I want you to know how truly sorry I am that you're dealing with all of this. It's sad when the people you should count on most in this world let you down or don't live up to the roles they are suppose to fulfill. But that is your dad's issue, not yours. He is the one who isn't doing his part in this life. He knows it too. He's failing you by not being the loving, supporting father you deserve. Which is why he is mad. Not at you, but at himself. He only takes it out on you because he can't deal with his failures.

 

Your exBF/bestfriend may have a very legitimate excuse for not returning your call last night...maybe his phone was off or maybe he had a crisis of his own...who knows? The point is you should try not to redirect your anger at your father towards him because that is easy. Don't take the easy way out. Your dad does and you are better than that! If your father had it in him to do what's hard (right) he'd get the proper attention he needs to deal with the issues he's facing. Instead he redirects the anger he harbors towards himself and you pay the price. You know how it feels to be on the receiving end of that, so please find the goodness in your heart to treat others more fairly. I believe you can.

 

I think it'd probably be best to remove yourself from your father's home as soon as you possibly can. I don't know what your financial situation is, but if I were you I would make it my number one priority. I don't know if you'll ever find contentment if you are there, as sad as that may be.

 

I know it's difficult but you should really resolve yourself to see the relationship you have with your dad for what it is. You put forth a lot of energy trying to make it right with him, and it's not getting you anywhere. You should really try to accept him as he is, see him for who he is, and while you may not be completely alright with the man he is, learn that he is him and there is nothing in the world you can do to change him. As much as you'd like it to be different between you two, it is what it is. Try and find sympathy for a broken man you call Dad, forgive him, and just make the relationship the best it can be. He'll always be your Dad, you only have one, nobody's perfect, but you can use what he is to decide for yourself what you won't become. You don't need to sever the relationship, but I strongly suggest you create some distance, for your own well-being.

 

I have experiences similar to your own, sadly. And I hope that you find a way to make this as pleasant as possible for yourself. Feel free to PM me if I can help you in any way. XO

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Firstly, is there a reason that you must live at home?

Sounds like your father is having some sort of breakdown, and being around him is not going to help your state of mind.

You need to take active steps to get your life together, and I am not belittling in any way what you are going through, but it seems you are so depressed that you have a percieved lack of control over your own life.

So first steps are, getting on some anti-depressants of some kind either chemical or natural, or alternative therapies that are highly recommended for depression. Diet can play an enormous part in state of mind, are you getting your omega 3's?

And moving out of your parents home. What is stopping you?

Sometimes friends do let you down when you are depressed, sometimes because they dont know how to cope with it, sometimes because they simply dont want to be around a depressed person. It is a really hard but true fact of life, but, it is also another reason, why you and ONLY you, can get yourself out of this mess, and why you very much need to take the steps I mentioned above.

Each time you do something for yourself, you will realise more and more that you do have a control over your life and your happiness, whatever the circumstance you may find yourself in. I am not saying this flippantly, as I have dealt with my own harsh circumstances and resulting depression, and I am more sympathetic to you than I might sound.

So please take some steps, and remember that you only have you, but that having you is a wonderful thing. Dont let what has happened make you feel that you are unworthy of love, you are worthy, and you can give this to yourself and be proud because of it.

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Dearest Leopard,

 

Please go and read what I and others posted to your thread:

Clinical Depression and how to go about handling it...?

 

You need to deal with this and take care of yourself. Your situation is not going to get better unless YOU do something about it.

 

What you are going through sucks bigtime but the only, only person who is and can help you with this is yourself. You can't keep complaining about it without doing something about it and the only person you can ever rely on 110% is yourself.

 

I will support you in anyway I can but I'm not going to support you unless you take some action.

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LakesideDream

Ah.... why has nobody suggested calling the police?

 

The father is out of control, everyone in the house is in danger. The fact that the mother allows this is disturbing.

 

Douche this guy out!

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Ah.... why has nobody suggested calling the police?

 

The father is out of control, everyone in the house is in danger. The fact that the mother allows this is disturbing.

 

Douche this guy out!

 

Amen! Get out of there as fast as you can. Go to a homeless for abused victims. That is what you are, you can stay a victim or become a victor and move forward. Is it easy? NO....it isn't, but it is time to move on and get the help from people who want to help you.

 

You have to surround yourself with people who love you and care about you, but reality is, until you start loving yourself, no one else will be able to! The people in your life obviously DON'T love themselves and therefore can't love you either. You are BEING abused!!! What your father did is ILLEGAL! You will not and can not change that person. You can ONLY change yourself!

 

I have been through this myself with an ex husband and speak from a voice of experience. You will feel guilty for turning your father in for abuse, but if you don't, you are just enabling him to continue this SICK, VERY SICK behavior. Please get help from a local abuse clinic/shelter! I pray for your safety and your sanity.

 

Hugs,

TxGirl

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