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The fog between friends and couples.


silentcharon

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There seems to be an epidemic of new break up posts and people asking about their exes. Almost every post I've read so far asks the question of friendship with their exes.

 

Firstly, this is based on my experience, so my opinions will be based on what I've been through.

 

For a quick background:

 

I had a relationship with my ex for 7 years- we loved each other deeply. We broke up back in February, right after my birthday (nice, eh?). I found this site, and read everything I could about the concept of No Contact. Since I felt that we were together so long, it wouldn't be right to go straight into No Contact, so I decided to see if I could try being his friend.

 

I kept my distance, we saw each other every few days, sometimes for two days at a time, etc. I made it clear to him that we were friends, nothing more than that. He said that he was happy that we could be friends, and that he just didn't want the label of boyfriend/girlfriend for us RIGHT NOW, he wasn't looking to date anyone else, blah, blah. All of that was fine with me, and we agreed on where the lines were drawn. Except..... he did things that repeatedly crossed the lines we previously agreed on.

 

Such as, whenever I came over his house, and spent the night, he'd ask if I was coming to bed, only to have me tell him that I'd sleep on the couch instead. He put his spare house key on my key chain without my knowledge. He would tell any guy who inquired about me, how we're kinda together but not. He would try to cuddle with me, and do things like kiss me on my neck. His actions towards me told me that he wanted to be more than friends.

 

And whenever I asked him where we stood, he would turn around and tell me how he didn't want to date me.

 

This told me he wanted us to act as a couple MINUS the commitment part. Now, I'm not talking about marriage or anything like that, I was never concerned about that, I was happy just dating him and he knew this.

 

After many months of struggling to cope with this- having him play with the strings leading to my heart and messing with my head, I finally sat him down one night. I asked him straight out if he was still in love with me. He told me that he was, but didn't know what to do. I explained how I felt, how I could not handle being friends with him while he was messing with the boundaries we agreed on. He told me he didn't want to commit right now,

but wanted us to be friends. I told him I could no longer do this, because it was messing with my head big time, and I had other issues that I had to work on (I recently got diagnosed with MS, so I had to deal with that on top of this stuff). I told him that we both wouldn't be able to move on if we remained this way. I left him that night, crying on the couch, and the next day, I felt right as rain.

 

Ever since, he has texted me, called me, and he even sent me flowers. I wish I went into No Contact at the beginning, because this would have spared me much grief and pain. I love him SO MUCH, but I could not do it, I got so tired of it. I wasn't willing to settle on being his back burner friend. I wasn't willing to settle for giving him emotional support whenever he needed someone to be there, and not having him be there for me when I needed him. I was tired of wondering whether that lingering hug meant something, of whether wondering why he was cuddling with me on the couch, of questioning his motives, of trying to figure out what he wanted. I knew I deserved better, so I left. It was so HARD, but I did it.

 

Sorry for the short background not being as short as I thought it would be. Anyway back to the topic.

 

I have read so many posts asking the question whether it's a good idea to remain friends with exes, etc.

 

First, be aware that this is truly a gray area- the fog between the relationship terms of friends and couples. The transition is very difficult, of which few manage to cross. I'm not saying it's impossible, it may take years before it can happen, or it can't be done due to reasons of one person having feelings still, or compatiablity issues, etc.

 

If you're the dumpee:

 

Your ex left you. You guys are on good terms, you two flirt whenever you see each other, or at least, the ex flirts with you, you wonder if he still has feelings for you. You end up sleeping with the ex, you end up going to the ex's family reunion, you end up doing things as you normally would have done as if you were still dating the ex. You do things like spend a great day out at the park on a beautiful day, you share a tent when you go camping, you go skiing together, you two do things still acting as a couple minus the commitment.

 

Your ex does things like telling you that the love is still there, your ex's actions tell you that you are still loved and cared for. The ex's actions towards you lean towards the couples slot on the meter more than it is to the friends.

 

And yet, your ex tells you that you two can't be together, that he/she doesn't want to date you right now. He/she still wants you to be his/her friend.

 

DON'T SETTLE FOR THIS. YOU DESERVE BETTER. NO ONE SHOULD EVER BE DRAGGED THROUGH THE MUD LIKE I WAS.

 

I know it's so hard, it IS hard. Your ex broke up with you for reasons which you must accept. You have a choice:

 

1) Remain friends anyway. But be aware, the longer you remain friends with your ex when you or your ex, or both of you, still have unresolved issues/feelings, the longer the pain will continue. You won't be able to heal properly, and it WILL hurt even more if your ex finds someone else. If you're willing to be your ex's back burner friend, be my guest, I'm just saying to be prepared for more pain and grief ahead. This is the longer and harder path to recover. This makes it harder for you as well as your ex to move on. KNOW THIS: If your ex truly wanted to be with you, your ex would be with you, but your ex's not!

 

2) End the relationship. This is often the best option. This will allow you, as well as your ex, to heal and to move on. This is a very slow, painful process everyone must go through, you discover new things about yourself that you never knew, and you learn your lessons. Read up everything on No contact, you will fail several times, but when you do succeed, realize that the main idea is for YOU to heal. Not to get the ex back, but for YOU to find yourself again, to re adjust to your life without a S/O again.

 

For the Dumpers:

 

You, too, have two options.

 

1) Regardless of the fact whether you have feelings still for the dumpee, if you truly, geninuely want to be friends with the dumpee, stay that way. Don't play with the dumpee's feelings, or mess with his/her head- this is unfair. You're the one who did the dumping, please be considerate of their feelings. Don't cross boundaries into the couples zone, don't tell them how you love them, flirt with them hard core and then tell them that you don't want to commit. They deserve better than that, and you know it. If you truly don't want to date, tell them that straight out and plain as that, whether they ask. I'm not saying, to be an ass, just know that they are in more pain than you are, because you got to make the first move, you have prepared for this more emotionally/mentally than they have. So, please, for your own sake as well as theirs, don't make things confusing, keep things simple.

 

2) Go into No contact. Again, this will allow you to heal, and to get over the dumpee. Remember, this is also to let the dumpee heal, and to accept the break up. No drunk dialing, no text messages or emails, no phone calls or dropping back- you're the one who dumped them, don't play with their heads/hearts to feed your own ego. If you still want to be with them, be with them! Otherwise, don't feed them lines of maybe's or what if's, when you know or have doubts you two will ever be together again ever or anytime in the near future. This will only make the dumpee cling on hope, and that is just cruel. That makes you an ass, whether you intend to or not.

 

I write about this because there isn't much information on how to deal being friends with your ex and what to do if it doesn't work out.

 

I just can't fathom how some people are willing to settle on letting their exes jerk them around, with all the lovey-dovey stuff and tell them they won't/can't commit RIGHT NOW. I would not settle for this, because I could not handle it and that I deserved better.

 

DON'T WAIT FOR YOUR EX.

 

If he/she says they want to be with you but can't, this is BS! If they really wanted to be with you, they would be, but they're not! Don't settle for that... I cannot emphasize this enough, YOU DESERVE BETTER. If it helps, whatever you decide to do, remain friends or go into No Contact, it helps to repeat this mantra, "If X really wanted to be with you, X would be, but X's not!"

 

This helps me tremendously. I decided on NC and it really has helped me out, even with the bumps along the road. YOU CAN DO IT, as the dumpee or the dumper, it is possible. Give yourself time! I'm not fully healed, I still love him very much, but I'm starting to move on for my own sake. Do whatever you can to keep yourself busy, go out with friends, rent a movie you've always wanted to see, start a hobby or renew that hobby you used to do, REMEMBER THE LIFE YOU HAD BEFORE THE EX!

 

I hope this post helps, especially for the new people coming to the board. It is so important that you make a decision, either way, and do it right. It will save you a lot of pain and grief. Good luck.... remember, this will pass.

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great post and solid advice oh silent one. i couldn't agree with you more. we all take different routes and paths to heal and the old saying is true - time does heal all. speaking from personal experience - it is hard letting go of hopes and dreams when you still want to continue but your SO has ended things but eventually you accept that things are over. it took me 4 months, to become fully and completely aware that it wasn't gonna happen [getting back]. during those 4 months, i would do NC, break it, worry, hope, everything under the sun and during all this time my ex stood her ground and never faltered from her committment. and one day, i suddenly, looked at how strong she was to do that and i took strength from that and started giving back the respect she was in fact giving me and let go and moved on. and i am sure me doing so made her happy because it showed her that i had the confidence to love her but also let her go - and do so without anger and without blame or wanting answers to questions. when u can do that - both people gain. so, to those out there that are struggling with the same thing i was - the best thing really is to show them love by letting them go and hoping that they find happiness elsewhere. it will improve your life and make everyone involved see that two people can survive and grow in different ways. best of luck to u all.

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Good post, SC. You know I've had some similar experiences, and it suuuuuucks.

 

I think it's good to to think "If they wanted to be with you, they would be; and if they want to be with you someday in the future, they'll walk through glass to get there." Until then, there's no real point to having any sort of meaningful communication.

 

Heck, you put enough distance between you an them, even if they do come back, maybe we (you, me, everyone, etc) will realize it's no longer what we want.

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I don't think friendship is possible after a relationship. For some dumpers, it seems to be friendship is what they want, maybe because they feel bad about the break up and do not want to look as the bad one. "If you can't have my love, I will give you my friendship" kinda thing.

No thanks, I am not gonna settle for that....

Other dumpers seem to be willing to remain friends to keep their options open, I suppose.... If things are not working out for them after break up, they will go back to the ex (the dumpee) and seek a bit of comfort....

 

I do not believe in friendship after a break up. You can remain in good terms (say hi if you meet by chance on the street), but a friendship and all it entails cannot develop after love.

 

My 2 cents worth....

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u know...when people on the outside look at who dumps and who was dumped they always have the wrong image....because they were not involved...

 

some people see the dumpee as being that ass and that the dumper being the one who was the better of the two

 

some dumpers feel that people will think they are the bad one because the dumpee is crying big boo boo tears and they appear to be the victim

 

others see the both as two people that just are whacked...etc.

 

the point is....both dumper and dumpee share the responsibity of the ending and both play both roles...both hurt, both feel the same way at different times...but people should just remember...don't point fingers, take sides...just support and help both people heal and move on...

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great post and solid advice oh silent one. i couldn't agree with you more. we all take different routes and paths to heal and the old saying is true - time does heal all. speaking from personal experience - it is hard letting go of hopes and dreams when you still want to continue but your SO has ended things but eventually you accept that things are over. it took me 4 months, to become fully and completely aware that it wasn't gonna happen [getting back]. during those 4 months, i would do NC, break it, worry, hope, everything under the sun and during all this time my ex stood her ground and never faltered from her committment. and one day, i suddenly, looked at how strong she was to do that and i took strength from that and started giving back the respect she was in fact giving me and let go and moved on. and i am sure me doing so made her happy because it showed her that i had the confidence to love her but also let her go - and do so without anger and without blame or wanting answers to questions. when u can do that - both people gain. so, to those out there that are struggling with the same thing i was - the best thing really is to show them love by letting them go and hoping that they find happiness elsewhere. it will improve your life and make everyone involved see that two people can survive and grow in different ways. best of luck to u all.

 

You know, that is one way of looking at a break up. It takes a certain type of strength to break up, exes do deserve some respect in some circumstances. My ex was strong enough to break up after 7 years with me, that much I'll give him for that. Perhaps I can draw strength from that too.

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I think it's good to to think "If they wanted to be with you, they would be; and if they want to be with you someday in the future, they'll walk through glass to get there." Until then, there's no real point to having any sort of meaningful communication.

 

Yep, you are correct. What's the point of having any communcation at all if they can't give us what we want?

 

Except, you know, my ex has been trying to contact me, I'm thinking maybe I should give him a break. I mean, maybe give him the benefit of the doubt and see what he has to say. I can't find out about my current situation if I refuse to talk to him, right? I do want to be friends with him, after all, oh, god, this is just so complicated :rolleyes:

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I don't think friendship is possible after a relationship. For some dumpers, it seems to be friendship is what they want, maybe because they feel bad about the break up and do not want to look as the bad one. "If you can't have my love, I will give you my friendship" kinda thing.

No thanks, I am not gonna settle for that....

Other dumpers seem to be willing to remain friends to keep their options open, I suppose.... If things are not working out for them after break up, they will go back to the ex (the dumpee) and seek a bit of comfort....

 

I do not believe in friendship after a break up. You can remain in good terms (say hi if you meet by chance on the street), but a friendship and all it entails cannot develop after love.

 

My 2 cents worth....

 

You're right, it's some of the worries most dumpees have to go through. It's sad, really, but it does happen. However, never say never. Some people do end up being tight friends years down the road, some never go back after loving each other. It's not impossible, it can be done with a lot of hard work from both parties.

 

I read somewhere here at LS- someone used an example of a couple he knew. They dated for a while, broke up, because the guy wasn't sure if she was the one, he couldn't see himself marrying her. The girl wouldn't wait around for him, and went right ahead and dated other people. The guy did the same. They ended up becoming friends years later, a couple years before they divorced their s/o's. It wasn't long after they fell in love again and got married, then ever since, they've been married for like, 25 years now. I know I'm going out on a limp here, because I am just a romantic, I'm just saying it's not impossible, stranger things have happened!

 

Keep your mind open.

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"someone used an example of a couple he knew. They dated for a while, broke up, because the guy wasn't sure if she was the one, he couldn't see himself marrying her. The girl wouldn't wait around for him, and went right ahead and dated other people. The guy did the same. They ended up becoming friends years later, a couple years before they divorced their s/o's. It wasn't long after they fell in love again and got married, then ever since, they've been married for like, 25 years now."

 

hey silence,

nice positive story there. nice to see a balance in here. sometimes there is so much doom and gloom [like watching the news on the tellie]. you know, there are just as many good stories out there as bad ones but for some reason people stop and stare at the car crash instead of the couple holding hands. you see it every day. that was a romantic ending - too bad they couldn't have skipped all the parts in between and just stayed together in the first place eh? ahhhhh, such is life.

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"someone used an example of a couple he knew. They dated for a while, broke up, because the guy wasn't sure if she was the one, he couldn't see himself marrying her. The girl wouldn't wait around for him, and went right ahead and dated other people. The guy did the same. They ended up becoming friends years later, a couple years before they divorced their s/o's. It wasn't long after they fell in love again and got married, then ever since, they've been married for like, 25 years now."

 

hey silence,

nice positive story there. nice to see a balance in here. sometimes there is so much doom and gloom [like watching the news on the tellie]. you know, there are just as many good stories out there as bad ones but for some reason people stop and stare at the car crash instead of the couple holding hands. you see it every day. that was a romantic ending - too bad they couldn't have skipped all the parts in between and just stayed together in the first place eh? ahhhhh, such is life.

 

Yeah, I liked the story. You know, they could have skipped the break up part, but then they might have gotten divorced, you know? But they broke up, got married to different people, became friends again, divorced their s/o's then married a couple years later. I don't think they had an affair and divorced, they became friends and stayed strictly friends throughout their seperate marriages, then divorced and probably fell in love again afterwards.

 

I think they had to break up, or else they probably would have ended up divorced in the end if they kept on dating in the first place and got married.

 

Sometimes things work in strange ways, and good things happen because of that. We just need to have faith in ourselves, and in life itself.

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Silent,

 

I don't know that giving your ex the benefit of teh doubt at this stage is giong to do any good. He's had plenty of time and do you honestly believe anything has changed? The only thing that may have changed is that he no longer has your reassurance and he'd like it back.

 

I think what you wrote before is on point. Time to move on and heal. You can't heal if you keep giving him the benefit of the doubt. In 6 months to a year when you're over it, sure go ahead. Right now, it'll only set you back because I'm sure he only has more mixed signals to give you.

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I don't think friendship is possible after a relationship. For some dumpers, it seems to be friendship is what they want, maybe because they feel bad about the break up and do not want to look as the bad one. "If you can't have my love, I will give you my friendship" kinda thing.

No thanks, I am not gonna settle for that....

Other dumpers seem to be willing to remain friends to keep their options open, I suppose.... If things are not working out for them after break up, they will go back to the ex (the dumpee) and seek a bit of comfort....

 

I do not believe in friendship after a break up. You can remain in good terms (say hi if you meet by chance on the street), but a friendship and all it entails cannot develop after love.

 

My 2 cents worth....

 

I dont believe in friendship after break-up either.....The Cycle Just Repeats Itself!

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Silent,

 

I don't know that giving your ex the benefit of teh doubt at this stage is giong to do any good. He's had plenty of time and do you honestly believe anything has changed? The only thing that may have changed is that he no longer has your reassurance and he'd like it back.

 

I think what you wrote before is on point. Time to move on and heal. You can't heal if you keep giving him the benefit of the doubt. In 6 months to a year when you're over it, sure go ahead. Right now, it'll only set you back because I'm sure he only has more mixed signals to give you.

 

You're probably right, I just hate it.... we are great together as friends, I would hate to see the friendship go down the drain.

 

It's just... when will this man stop calling me? I won't answer any of his emails or texts. Maybe he's got an answer.

 

It makes me want to rip some hair out of my head. I am moving on, I'm not 100% there yet, but I'm getting there. Men suck.

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never be friends with the ex....no matter if you are the dumper or the dumpee.

 

I disagree, it is possible if it is done right.

 

I don't get why people won't do it, the friendship is what started the relationship. Oh, you've been downgraded to friends only status? So what? At least you've still got the friendship.....

 

Nothing is more tragic than seeing 2 people who loved each other so much never speak again.

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I think it can be done depending on the circumstances given. I both parties agreed to the breakup, then there is a good chance you can stay friends. Breakups are usually on sided though, and the person being dumped stands a chance of being used as a fallback should they decide to go this route. If one of the couples is still in love with the other, then I say friends just plain won't work most of the time.

 

Happens all too often.

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