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i looked at his cell phone..


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Old 24th September 2006, 7:53 AM   #1
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i looked at his cell phone..

My bf and I had a huge fight again (we`ve been together for 10 months) we were gonna break up but
decided to take a "break" instead for a couple weeks....I kinda feel like this time its over now for real though...Im so mentally exhausted from the relationship but at the same time I am so scared to lose him and I feel so so miserable....
Well....last week we had a big fight cause I kinda went pyscho on him because I was feeling really low and I felt really insecure and self destructive....We talked about it and made up though and everything was back to normal again. He said he was completely over the fight and we needed to move past it. This weekend while he was in the shower I looked at his cell phone again ( i just had this bad feeling cuz everytime hes with me he turns his cell off and he puts it near the front door as if he doesnt want me to be anywhere near it.) Anyways so i thought that was real suspicious so looked at it and just as i thought i found that he has been contacting his ex again... Just a couple text msgs though cuz he probably deleted the rest...Confronted him about it and he said that she started contacting him recently and that nothing was going on....I know hes not cheating on me cause we are always together but the fact that he does this behind my back really hurts me...he said the reason why he always turns his cell off is cause hes scared she`ll call while we`re together. I asked him why he mails her back and he says its cause he doesnt hate her and just wants to continue being friends with her. He said hes sorry and that he was having doubts about our relationship these days because of my pyscho spells and my depression is making him down as well. I was soo hurt and was crying and crying because he was the one that said he forgot about the previous fights and that we should move forward!....Anyways he thinks we cant resolve this unless we start trusting eachother but how can I when he does stuff like this? I am so confused and hurt. Do you think I can trust him again? Is this worth breaking up over?
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Old 24th September 2006, 4:41 PM   #2
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You need to first understand that you can get over a fight in terms of not being angry or upset anymore, but the underlying issues that caused the fight are still there. In this case, your insecurity, self-destructive and psycho behavior, and depression are still there and will continue to cause problems between you until you deal with it.

He is trying to deal with your insecurity by shutting off his phone so you don't go off on him. When you asked him about it, he told you what was going on, so he's being honest with you...he didn't even get mad at you for invading his privacy by going into his phone. I don't see what there is for you to not trust him, especially since you know he isn't cheating since he's always with you. You have to get over your insecurities in order to trust him.

I can see why he'd be having doubt about your relationship because you're going off on him all the time - why would he want to be in a relationship with someone who's always upset with him?

Do you see what I'm getting at? The issues are there even if the specific fight is over. You have to deal with the issues in order to move forward instead of just sweeping them under the rug.
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Old 24th September 2006, 5:30 PM   #3
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It is so important that you learn to trust him. I was in a similar situation where my own insecurity and paranoia destroyed my relationship. I, at times, did check phones etc and believe me you will always find something that will back up your fears. Texts can be misread and when you are feeling suspicious you will add your own slant onto what they mean. 99% of the time your interpretation is wrong. I saw a photo once and it freaked me out no end. It turns out, after weeks of feeling sick and upset, that it was just a friend who I'd actually met, but because of my state of mind, I saw a million things in it that didn't actually exist.

If your relationship is in trouble then this behaviour will be the reason it ends. You don't have any right to go through anyone elses phones, emails, personal belongings, regardless of your relationship with them. This is a huge betrayal on your part and it will only freak him out and make him distance himself from you. You know he's not cheating on you, but all your doing is showing yourself to be untrustworthy by going through his things.

I don't want to sound harsh with you, it's just that I don't want you to make the same mistakes I did. Promise yourself that you won't check up on him again, and if you feel you are going to do it, then stop yourself and do something else. Don't allow yourself to be the reason your relationship fails because it's a million times harder to deal with when it is.
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Old 24th September 2006, 6:51 PM   #4
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Let me tell you, I've been in this situation before and trust me if you don't end this now it will be worse later on. Your boyfriend is lying. If he had nothing to hide then he wouldn't turn off the phone. I went through the same situation you are going through and right now I wish I would have left him alone then. The only thing that ties me to him now is our son. Don't let your situation go as far as mine. I remember his ex did not quit calling him and he actually was seeing her behind my back without my knowledge. I thought too that no he couldn't be doing anything but I was wrong. You need to find yourself another man. There's plenty of them out there. And about the trust issue, if you can't trust him now you never will. You need to be happy in a relationship, not being worried if he called his ex. The only reason why mine stopped was because I threaten to take his baby and he would never see him again, but 'till this day I can never take that girl out of my mind.
Ever thought about calling his ex yourself and asking her what the deall is?
I did that myself and I found out all this kind of stuff about him, How he would tell her, "don't tell her I was with you" and the bad part about it is she would cover for him, until I guess she got fed up and told me the whole truth about all his lies.
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Old 24th September 2006, 8:15 PM   #5
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You need to step back and out of this relationship.

You are admitedly depressed, crying, and anxious. All of these need to be addressed and you need to do that on your own.

Here's why:

Your boyfriend betrayed the relationship by talking with his ex (knowing it would make you unhappy - he did it anyway).
---- That is a reason to feel depressed even if you weren't already.
---- That is a reason to feel sad even if you weren't already.
---- That is a reason to feel psycho even if you weren't already.

Your boyfriend tried to hide this from you essentially lying by ommission to you.
---- That is a reason to feel depressed even if you weren't already.
---- That is a reason to feel sad even if you weren't already.
---- That is a reason to feel psycho even if you weren't already.

If you are already dealing with these issues, you aren't going to make any head way as long as you keep getting bombarded with triggers.

He shouldn't have been speaking with his ex or texting her - the CRAP about not wanting her to hate him is a ruse -- IT IS CRAP and don't believe the hype. PLEASE.
He is talking with her because he is feeling unsure about your relationship and he is selfishly trying to see if he should get an easy fix and be with her instead. This is a man who clearly can not be alone. GAWD they are the worst!

Nothing substantial may have happened at this point, i.e. sleeping with her - but you don't know that. Clearly he isn't forthcoming and can't be believed. A lie of ommission is a lie. Period. So he is a liar.

You say you are with him all the time and couldn't possibly have done anything. DO NOT BE THAT NIAVE. He has talked to her on the phone without you knowing. Where were you then? You are NOT together all the time so he does have opportunity.

At the very least you do not need a man who does not have a clear understanding of what an honest respectful relationship is. This will just play to your vulnerabilities and push you over the edge.

Get out of it. Get help. Be alone until you are better. Get a perspective on where your bottom line should be as far as how you are treated.
Your bottom line should not be a bar that is raised or lowered depending on what guy you are dealing with. They give you at least that and then there are the variations above it.

Honesty, respect, and understanding should be part of ANYONE'S bottom line.

He has failed in all of these.
The only thing a bad guy does is keep a good guy away.
At this rate he is doing nothing but ensuring you will be destroyed in the process.
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Old 25th September 2006, 10:14 AM   #6
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thank you...

Thanks all for the advice. I know I have insecurity issues that I have to deal with but this is partly because he has betrayed me in the past as well and I guess I cant let that go.
This is the second time I have looked through his cell. The first time I looked at it was 6 months ago and that time I also found that he had contacted his ex on several occassions and also he had gone out to dinner with another woman whom he knew I disliked (this was when we were on a "break" but I was still so angry because at the same time he was begging me to get back with him) I didnt end up telling him that I looked through his phone until 4 months later because I convinced myself that it was nothing and that I was over analyzing things. Things were going well b/w us too. I think I had a lot of anger boiling up inside of me though and that was causing me to get pyscho on him over small issues. He also has insecurity issues as well...he always wants to know where I am and who im with...he looked through my cell phone once as well when I accidently left it at his house. I have absolutly nothing to hide from him though. I have stopped contacting all my male friends so he would be happy. I didnt mind doing this for him because I understand what its like to feel insecure...that is why I am so angry that he does not do the same for me. I feel like he is a hypocryte as he always tells me "never do anything I wouldnt do"...i dont understand as we are so close in that we get along so well and have so many fun times together. We work together have lunch together, spend all of our weekends together..I want to believe him when he says that he was just mailing his ex as friends..I dont think he would go as far as to see her behind my back. Im just really confused...and as one poster said i probably will not be able to trust him again. We are suppossed to be on a "break" now but he called me today because he wanted to see me..I told him i couldnt, but I really want to see him....Im trying so hard now to hold back...
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Old 25th September 2006, 10:38 AM   #7
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Without getting in to the whole jealousy issue and whether it's justified or not, I only needed to see these words to know that this is NOT going anywhere:

"Im so mentally exhausted from the relationship but at the same time I am so scared to lose him and I feel so so miserable."

I've been in this type of relationship. It was disfunctional right from the beginning and it dragged on (on and off) for 9 miserable years. If this is already how it is after less than a year, I can almost GUARANTEE you that it will not only not get better but more than likely will get worse.

You're just not compatible. Love isn't enough. He obviously brings out the worst in you.

I'd cut my losses now. This is just NOT what the start of a great relationship looks like.
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Old 25th September 2006, 10:55 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Touche View Post
You're just not compatible.
I think that about sums it up. Good post Touche.
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Old 25th September 2006, 10:58 AM   #9
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Thank you Craig. It's not an easy thing to tell someone. But sometimes, it's those little "throw-away" lines that are very telling. I could have written the same words about my ex that the OP did and that's why I felt compelled to write what I did. I can only hope that you, Crystal, dont waste any more time trying to fix something that just so clearly isn't meant to be.

I wish you the best.
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Old 25th September 2006, 11:05 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Island Girl View Post
You need to step back and out of this relationship.

You are admitedly depressed, crying, and anxious. All of these need to be addressed and you need to do that on your own.

Here's why:

Your boyfriend betrayed the relationship by talking with his ex (knowing it would make you unhappy - he did it anyway).
---- That is a reason to feel depressed even if you weren't already.
---- That is a reason to feel sad even if you weren't already.
---- That is a reason to feel psycho even if you weren't already.

Your boyfriend tried to hide this from you essentially lying by ommission to you.
---- That is a reason to feel depressed even if you weren't already.
---- That is a reason to feel sad even if you weren't already.
---- That is a reason to feel psycho even if you weren't already.

If you are already dealing with these issues, you aren't going to make any head way as long as you keep getting bombarded with triggers.

He shouldn't have been speaking with his ex or texting her - the CRAP about not wanting her to hate him is a ruse -- IT IS CRAP and don't believe the hype. PLEASE.
He is talking with her because he is feeling unsure about your relationship and he is selfishly trying to see if he should get an easy fix and be with her instead. This is a man who clearly can not be alone. GAWD they are the worst!

Nothing substantial may have happened at this point, i.e. sleeping with her - but you don't know that. Clearly he isn't forthcoming and can't be believed. A lie of ommission is a lie. Period. So he is a liar.

You say you are with him all the time and couldn't possibly have done anything. DO NOT BE THAT NIAVE. He has talked to her on the phone without you knowing. Where were you then? You are NOT together all the time so he does have opportunity.

At the very least you do not need a man who does not have a clear understanding of what an honest respectful relationship is. This will just play to your vulnerabilities and push you over the edge.

Get out of it. Get help. Be alone until you are better. Get a perspective on where your bottom line should be as far as how you are treated.
Your bottom line should not be a bar that is raised or lowered depending on what guy you are dealing with. They give you at least that and then there are the variations above it.

Honesty, respect, and understanding should be part of ANYONE'S bottom line.

He has failed in all of these.
The only thing a bad guy does is keep a good guy away.
At this rate he is doing nothing but ensuring you will be destroyed in the process.
WORD!

He's using your depression and anxiety which are understandable under the circumstances to justify his actions.

Which is bull.

Touche is right you are just not compatible.
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Sweetie, it's all true!
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Old 25th September 2006, 11:36 AM   #11
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Quote:
pyscho.... I was feeling really low and I felt really insecure and self destructive
I really think you need to break up with him For Good. Judging from your post and the fact that you have depression, nothing is going to get better until YOU get better. You need to stop and start taking care of this despression of yours. Seems like your in a deep hole with it and you need to take some time to make yourself strong, within...That way you'd steer clear of dude's who want to remain friends with their ex's. In my experience, i'm a dude...and i've never felt it necessary to remain friends with an Ex. Why? What's the point? ESPECIALLY if you have someone new, why would you need to remain friends with someone you once had feelings for and most likely made love to? it's just weird and not respectful to the new love, in my opinion.

Anyway, you need to better yourself first before you continue in a relationship. The insecure feelings lead to the need to have to snoop in his cell phone and that's no good. It'll just hurt you even more. I'd say get well, get your mind healthy so you cant think clearly. Go talk to a counselor or see your doctor and talk with him a bit about what your feeling. You Need To Get over the Depression before you can live life happy and healthy. Otherwise you won't be happy in ANY relationship and there aren't a lot of dude's who are sensitive to a depressed gal.

Last edited by georgejungle; 25th September 2006 at 11:39 AM..
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Old 26th September 2006, 9:34 AM   #12
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All of your comments are convincing me to break it off with him and I know that is probably the best thing to do...however he is sucking me back into the relationship...Today he called me 20 times in one hour crying and begging for my forgiveness. He is a total wreck....I cant help feeling sorry for him. He did this before when we broke up 6 months ago as well. He begged and begged me for a month even coming to my house and waiting at my doorstep. I thought he was going to have a nervous breakdown then so I forgave him and got back together with him. Hes doing it again....its so hard because we work together as well and have to see eachother everyday. If hes going to regret it so much later why does he do these things in the first place??
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Old 26th September 2006, 12:06 PM   #13
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I guess you both like high drama. Some people do I've heard.

Have fun!
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