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Hurts with her and hurts without


andy_whitewater

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andy_whitewater

Hey,

 

My g/f of 4 years broke up with me exactly 3 months ago and i'm having the hardest time getting over it. We're both about the same age (Shes 22 'I'm 21) I loved her more than life and i gave everything in the relationship. We went to different universities a long way apart and I was always the one that travelled to see her, I always made all the effort and did the big special gestures as well as the little i love you's.

 

So she graduated uni and the first time we met up when she came home she told me she didn't want to be with me anymore. i know everybody says it, but the pain (emotional and physical) was unbearable. it couldn't have hurt more if someone had shot me. She had met someone at a party and wanted to try doing things with him (she actually told me that she wanted to have sex with him and was worried that she wouldn't be able to satisfy him - that was the worst thing anyone has ever said to me.)

 

So began 3 long months of sadness, depression and self loathing. Had counselling, anti depressants etc but nothing seemed to shift the bad mood. After about 2 and a half months things though I felt like i was starting to heal. I hadn't talked to her (though i did send her a birthday card about a week ago) and I knew this was for the best. Last night though I was feeling quite upbeat and logged onto msn and she was on there and said hi before i had a chance to log off. so we got talking and it turns out she went down to london twice to meet him and is going to stay with him at his university. in all the time she was with me she never came down to see me and suddenly she is willing to travel all over the country for someone else. it makes me feel like a complete walkover to think she also used me and i kept on giving. In the final months of our relationship i had to go down to london for some important medical treatment and even then she wouldn't go down with me. i keep thinking was it something i did? or didn't do?

 

Suddenly from hearing that she is (sort of) seeing someone else I slipped right back into the sadness and have just woken up after a terrible nights sleep feeling sort of numb and hollow. she keeps saying she wants to be friends and I know that deep down I miss her and miss spending time with her but she keeps hurting me so much. she keeps saying things about this guy as if i'm supposed to be pleased for her.

 

shes off to india for a month at xmas and then china for 6 months in march so i guess even if she did get properly together with this guy it would be a very long distance relationship. feels sometimes like i'm trying to justify reasons for all of this happening when what i really want to do is stop thinking about it all.

 

how do you stop hurting and start living again? I don't want to keep holding onto the mistaken belief that this is just a setback and we'll get back together again. she clearly has moved on. can you ever be just friends?

 

x

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OK, first off, don't keep track of how long you've been broken up for - what good does this do? None! :cool: So, look forward, not back! :)

 

I was always the one that travelled to see her, I always made all the effort and did the big special gestures as well as the little i love you's.

 

Now, if ever there was a sign that something was "one sided", that's it right there. Did this go on for the 4 years? If so, you must have had the patience of a saint.

 

Last night though I was feeling quite upbeat and logged onto msn and she was on there and said hi before i had a chance to log off.

 

Why are you keeping her on your MSN? You know for a fact that if she "talks" (types) to you, the "conversation" (typed text) will probably end up with her going on about her new relationship with her new guy...so why keep in contact with someone for them to "talk" (type) about things you don't want to "hear" (read)? By keeping hold of the past, you're undoing all the good work you'd done beforehand in getting over her...so, block and delete her. Besides, as you said...

 

She had met someone at a party and wanted to try doing things with him (she actually told me that she wanted to have sex with him and was worried that she wouldn't be able to satisfy him - that was the worst thing anyone has ever said to me.)

 

...so, another reason to block and delete her!

 

In the final months of our relationship i had to go down to london for some important medical treatment and even then she wouldn't go down with me. i keep thinking was it something i did? or didn't do?

 

Her heart was probably elsewhere at the time, so don't blame yourself.

 

she keeps saying she wants to be friends and I know that deep down I miss her and miss spending time with her but she keeps hurting me so much. she keeps saying things about this guy as if i'm supposed to be pleased for her.

 

I think you know yourself the way in which the conversation is going to go, but for some reason you keep in contact. Why is that? Why put yourself at risk of being hurt?

 

If she keeps on mentioning things you don't like hearing about, then how can she be your friend? Put it this way - if you had a male buddy who constantly spoke about things you didn't agree with, would you consider them to be a friend? No, I thought not...

 

shes off to india for a month at xmas and then china for 6 months in march so i guess even if she did get properly together with this guy it would be a very long distance relationship.

 

Even if she does get together with this guy (in whichever capacity), that's up to her, not up to you. She split from you, so you can't keep the "relationship" going (remember, it takes 2). So why keep looking for something which isn't there any more? She did the dirty on you, so it's time for you to look elsewhere. Besides, if she ever did get back with you, could you say, 100%, that she'd be faithful to you? Think - she cheated on you once, so she'd be more than capable of doing it again. Sure, you spent a long time together, but that time proved she doesn't have what it takes for a lasting relationship.

 

Some folks can remain friends after a break-up, but others (like myself) find it impossible. I prefer to cut all ties after a relationship ends, with no communication at all (delete phone numbers, addresses, etc). Is it difficult? Of course it is! But think of it this way - how impressed do you think your next girlfriend would be if she knew you still kept in contact with your ex?

 

Nah, one woman at a time is more than enough! :laugh: And if she's the right one, she's the only one you'll ever need! :)

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I feel for you man. A lot of us have been there so we understand what you're going through. It hurts. And it will probably hurt for some time.

 

Make it your new mission in life to cut this person out of your life. Indefinitely. Make no plans for friendship either now or forever. If she calls or emails do not respond.

 

Start the process of living your life without her. Do things that make you happy. Realize that there are lots of women out there that will return your love and appreciate your giving personality. In your time you will find her.

 

Never give more of yourself in a relationship than you are willing to lose.

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andy_whitewater

guys thankyou both for your kind messages.

 

I've been doing a lot of soul searching and i realised that maybe one day in the future I could be friends with her - but its certainly not yet. i guess i'm learning some life lessons here but it hurts still.

 

the only way to get through this is to not plan/hope for anything with her in the future. i hope that one day i'll meet someone who i can care for and love and that she will feel the same about me

 

just want to say thanks for taking the time to read what i said - i know everyone hurts sometimes but hearing what you have to say makes me realise that one day things will be better.

 

i'm gonna look forward and concentrate on playing music in my band and try and be happy.

 

yeah i think i can do it :)

 

x

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