Waiting, waiting, waiting

[GGFL]

I have to say that this may be the most confusing love story I have ever heard. I have fallen in love deeply with a woman who is like no other I have ever met. I met her only 3 months ago without even looking or expecting for something this special to come into my life. We instantly felt a bond that changed our lives.

 

After only a month of dating she decided to share with me some of her deepest secrets. She had previously been in a relationship with a man that had been her friend for over 7 years. She was totally sure that this was a love that was going to last forever. He gave no indication that he would fail her or break her trust. They started dating the end of last year and stayed together for around 4 months. What ended their relationship was something that he did that totally broke all trust that she had for him. She found out she was pregnant and was sure that he would be there for her. But in turn he was dead set on terminating the pregnancy and made it clear that he wasn't ready for that in his life right now. It broke her heart to make that decision and I feel the pain that is with her to this day. She cut all ties with him about a month after the abortion because she couldn't handle the pain and hurt anymore.

 

Then she met me. We have talked about her pain, regrets, and feelings of rejection by the man she knew loved her. I've given her my opinion about him and she knows that a man that says he loves you would never make such ultimatums. I knew during our relationship that she has felt as though something was left unresolved with this man she thought was the one. We have recently professed a deep love for one another. The both of us have experienced some of the safest, most trusting moments that we have ever experienced with another person. We have talked about how perfect we are for each other. We have had thoughts of marriage one day. We se in each other what we want in a spouse. But she says that something is left unresolved with this other man. She says she doesn't know if she just needs to finally confront him and deal with all the pain. Or if she is looking for that final closure. She also says that she knows she sees all of the amazing traits this man had for 7 years but just has to know if what he did to her was truly the man he his deep inside. I have a peace that she will make the right choice. We both know that our meeting and falling in love wasn't just happenstance.

 

I truly believe that when she is with me her words are true and sincere. The tears in her eyes prove that. We have held each other for hours and have told each other that everything will work out in the end. How do I let her go and handle this without making her feel guilty or even more confused. How do I trust that she will make the right decision.

[daphne]

How do I trust that she will make the right decision.

 

Because you have no choice but to let her make it. I know it's a really tough situation. It's not that she's wishy washy or hurting you intentionally. It just hasn't been enough time for her to move past this really crappy situation. I find it odd that she would kid herself that how he reacted isn't who he really is inside. Of course he is. He did it. She didn't know him for 7 years in an intimate relationship. Anyone can pretend, even in a relationship. It's when the tough situations come around that you see a person's true colors.

 

Be gentle and let her make her decision. I think she's going to need a lot of time. Don't invest too much of your heart in this though, as you don't nkow how smart she is. She'd be stupid to go bet again on a losing horse.

 

Good luck and I hope it works out.

[GGFL]

Thank you for your response. I have felt a peace about this situation and have an understanding that if she loves me then she will return to me in time. We have talked several times since she has decided to deal with her past and the feelings we both have for each other are getting even deeper than before. You said "I should be there for her" but I'm having trouble making a decision as to what extent. Should I talk to her daily? Should I continue to see her? I have made no ultimatums to her concerning her decision and will not. I just want her to know how much I love her.

[calalily]

GGFL since you two have been so honest, why not ask her how often she wants to see you - it may be that contact with you would confuse the situation. You should talk to her about what she needs from you at the moment, and go with that, while negotiating it a little for yourself.

[gfto]

I have to say that this may be the most confusing love story I have ever heard.

 

Generally, when a man is "confused," the underlying problem is that he's head-over-heels in love with a woman whose feelings towards him are lukewarm at best. Given her circumstances, as you've described them, her emotions are all over the place, and understandably so. The problem I see here is that a woman who is in such an emotional state can appear to be highly interested in you when, in fact, she isn't. She just needs a security blanket/shoulder to cry on: You. You've only known this woman for three months, and you're professing your love for each other, sharing each other's deepest fears, telling each other how perfect you would be together, etc. And, she's telling you all about this guy who just burned her. These are red flags. I'm not trying to minimize what she has been through, but if I were you, I'd keep minimal, if any, contact with her, and stay out on the field.