My situation. Need your , thought and support

[db75]

Hello there everyone, been reading these forums for a while now and this seems like a very supportive group.

 

This is a little long but I'd really appreciate it if you would take the time to read it all.

 

A little background, my GF of 3 and a half years and I decided to call it quits about six weeks ago. I won't go into all the details but we just kinda woke up one day and realized the romance was gone and somehow we had just become friends. The split was very gentle. No bitterness, no anger. Just alot of dissapointment.

 

I've had my ups and downs over the last 6 weeks, it's been really hard at times letting go.

 

What really complicates matters is that we had an apartment together and the lease isn't up until the first week of October. So unfortuneatly NC isn't really an option for us right now. We've had to coordinate spliting up our stuff and making sure were getting everything square with the leasing office. This part will be over soon and then we can go the way of NC, which is what we both really wish we could do right now.

 

It's hard talking to her sometimes, because she had become my best friend, probably the best friend I've ever had, and I miss my friend so much.

 

The hard part is my current living arrangement. I'm 31 years old and I had to move back in with my parents. She's living with a girlfriend. Neither of us could afford the apartment on our own. The city we were living in is a really expensive place to live.

 

So, in the meantime I'm swallowing an enourmous amount of pride and I'm staying with my parents for a few months. I've got to get some debt paid off(don't we all). Paying off the debt will allow me to get back some of the financial support I had with my ex. She's not doing any better than me in that regard either.

 

On the bright side the break-up has left me with alot of new opportunities. I'll be moving to a new city sometime around the beginning of next year and hopefully have a new job there as well.

 

On the downside, I'm finding that the weekends are really hard for me. I have just a few friends and most of them are married w/ kids, in a relationship or just too darn busy to hang out. So I find myself going it alone alot just to stay busy. When I lost my GF, I lost my best friend and my activity partner as well. I feel so alone sometimes. It gets kinda scary. This isn't my first break-up(this makes about 4 now) so I know what to expect as far as all the emotional stuff goes, but I didn't anticipate just how lonely I'd feel this time around. I'm joining a social group in the city I'll be moving to. I'm hoping that might be a way to make some new friends and find some people I can just hang out with.

 

I've never been through a mutual break-up before, it's harder in some ways and easier in others. It's just weird. I'm used to break-ups filled with anger and bitterness. My ex and I have both joked that it would be easier if we could just hate each other.

 

I really wish everything could've worked out between us. It just really hard seeing your dreams die with that person, when you were both so sure at one point in time that you were meant to be forever.

 

I take no shame in admitting that I'm scared about my future. Moving to a new place where I know no one. Uncertain of where I'll be working 6 months from now. Uncertain if I'll ever find someone to share my life with. I want a wife and kids one day. I'm just so scared I'll never have that. I know I'm only 31, but I really feel like I'm running out of time.

 

Thanks for taking the time to read this. Any feedback would be great.

[db75]

Anyone? Thoughts? Comments? Just looking for a little support during a tough time. Thanks.

[Meg_77]

hi db75

 

Firstly thanks for replying to my post. Reading your story is just like reading my own in lots of respects. My ex and I are still living in the same house and can't move because of jobs and we haven't got anyone near by enough to stay with. We too certainly do not hate each other. We still love each other very much and I feel totally the same - I wish we DID hate each other, I could just get on with hating him then and feeling all evil and revengeful and revelling in the attention of other men (not that there has been any yet!) instead of secretly wondering if things might work out for us again in the future, I don't want to do anything to prevent any mess if we ever did get back - not that we will! (I laugh at the ridiculousness of break-up logic!)

 

 

I wish he had treated me really badly - but he didn't. But do you know what - I say that - and then I think, well actually I have started to feel angry over a few things as time as gone on. Really the intamacy and passion stopped probably after about 8 months - but do you know what, not from me, from him. (This is another long complicated story that I might end up posting at some point!). Then it was like we were friends for the next 2 and a half years. I kick myself now for not leaving earlier and feeling rejected for those 2 and 1/2 years. It just feels like I wasted time - especially becuse I there was the promise of a family and a lifelong relationship (aahhh it was so comfortable, i loved gazing at my engagement ring thinking I had one-up on all those un-engaged people). I know 28 isn't old but I still am aware of the body clock ticking and what with the amount of time it would take to ever trust someone again to even reach the point of considering having kids... !!!! I was so close to his family too - who he hasn't told yet, but it just felt that I was going to be around them forever too.

 

It's so strange because being on my own I am now viewing the world with my own eyes. Not through 'our' eyes - I suddenly have to speak for myself, deal with stress myself, make decisions by myself and it feels like I am suddenly on show and I can see who I really am! eeek ! Rubbish - because I am dead shy and confidence is zero.

 

Anyway - as for staying at your parents house. I hope you are lucky enough to have parents who really love you - it sounds like you might have. Because no matter how old you are, no matter what you have or haven't achieved by now, they, I imagine, are really feeling for you right now. Put yourself in their position - wouldn't you want to help your kids? no matter how old? even if there is not lots of conversation about what's happened I bet deep down they are taking pride in the fact that you have gone to them for help - that will mean alot to them. And that's what they are for. So screw the pride thing! Just feel lucky instead and it's a fanatastic oppurtunity to sort out your money like you said - a sensible thing to do as money worries can follow you around like a black cloud and money can = freedom = oppurtunities. So when you have got your place you will be in a great position for a fresh start and if you are like me - you probably would have had enough of your parents by then!

 

As for not knowing anyone and all your friends being busy - well - I'm in that boat too. I just don't know what to do from one day to the next as I am still in the thick of it with uni starting in 2 weeks, still go uni project work to do before then hanging over from last year, I am still living with ex but need to find somewhere, working full time until term starts. If I lived close by I would say lets go for a drink! My plan for this weekend is actually going away to a folk festival with my mum in her camper! I used to go to festivals with her when I was little and I play a bit of guitar and sing (tho I haven't for a coulpa years now) - so I'm going to test the water in that circle this weekend. What are your plans?

 

There are some other thoughts I have been having too and that is that next time I meet someone I am only settling for the best. Any quirks or little voices and I am sorting it out straight away - not making the same mistake as last time leaving it 2 and half years and telling myself the affection/sex has stopped because "this must be what happens once you have committed to each other forever". I am going to establish a life for myself with friends, interests and activities before I get involved with someone again. Firstly, to have something for ME to fall back on should I ever be left alone again or just need them to chill with and secondly because I want 'him' to have that space for himself, where they too have their own interests, friends and activities. I know doing this will really boost my confidence and make me feel like I am achieving something for once! And do you know what, another thing - I am actually really looking forward to meeting someone again. I feel like I have gone so long without my body being loved (!) - I know how base that sounds - I can't wait. But I believe I'm an alright person and I reckon that you probably think you are too - yes? I loved meeting people when I was attached, why should it be different now? Yes I am more shy and have less to talk about (!) but sod it - I've made friends before and I can do it again.

 

I have wanted to get fit for years but never had the commitment - so I am going to aim for something fitness related where I can make friends too, then I have the motivation to exercise just to see friends.

 

Oh db - I have no idea if any of this helps. I'm not nearly so eloquent as other people on here. I just hope that it has helped to hear someone is going through the same thing. keep in touch!

 

meg.xx

[db75]

Thanks for the kind words Meg. They do indeed help. I get a bit better everyday. I've had so many realizations about my ex over the last few days. Main thing is, looking back at the last few months I think I felt even more lonely with her than I do without her now. She's a good person but she's just so wrapped up in her now and her interests that there really wasn't time for us anymore. I just wanted out. I'm hoping I'll find someone who truly deserves me one day, someone who's certainly emotionally available. Looking back, we were probably doomed from the start, but that's how alot of relationships are when you're in the thick of them...you see what you want to see.

 

I joined up with that social club for the first time last night. Great group of people, I can certainly see myself making some new friends which I really need right now. It's a long story as to why, but this is the first social outing I've been on in almost 2 months, so this was really nice for me.

 

I feel like I've been given a second chance to do my life all over again. I'm not going to waste it. Not that my life has been horrible or that I'm a screw up, I've just got some things I want to set right about myself.

 

I still miss my ex sometimes, really I miss the woman I fell in love with 3.5 years ago, that's who I really miss. She's been gone for a long time though, I hardly know the woman she's become. People change though. I was always worried our age difference could play a factor and it did. She's 25 now, I'm 31. Funny what a difference a few years can make in someones ideals and wants. I remember what it was like being 25, so I kinda understand some of where her thoughts are. This situation has been difficult because while I've been through several relationships, she and I really thought we had a future together. I hadn't felt that with any of the others, that's why letting her go has been difficult. You're letting go of your dreams. I know I'll get to live those dreams out with someone else someday. I'm just going to try as best as I can to enjoy the ride that gets me to that person.

 

Anyway, thanks again Meg. Hope to hear from you again soon.

[Meg_77]

Hi again

 

Again - what you say echos greatly from my realtionship. And the same thing about the age difference too - but - the otherway round. I'm 28, he is 33. So much has changed for him mentally over the past coupla years. He has been frustrated about not having achieved what he wanted by 'this age'. This overtook his life really and his interests in a particular area of journalism has meant he has devoted alot of brain space and time to it - leaving very little for me. He was also very unsttled work wise cahnging jobs and couldn't decide whether to improve himself and go back to studying so he could teach or pursue journalism or both. He had also signed up to do some voluntary work too and I just got pushed further and further away, as did the conversations of our future - getting married and having kids. I would say over the past 2 years we only went to bed together at the same time probably about .... 30 times? Had sex - um , probably less than 25 times. Rarely had a lie in together and hardly ever went out (although that was alot to do with me - I'm v shy, didn't like his friends and just low on confidence and very wary of going out into town at night around loads of p****d up people), this upset him alot that I wouldn't go. Us moving so many times (5 in 3 years) moving from place to place I just haven't found friends. I'm the type of person to have few close friends rather than lots of not so close friends.

 

Reading all this back to myself I wonder why I stayed. I always hoped things would get better - and worked soooo hard at making things work. We actually ended up going to counselling and it was that that decided it for us. Which part of me still feels resentful about because I thought that it would make things better between us - not split us up! We went for 5 sessions and I really feel that session 3 was way to early for the counsellor to 'suggest' we go seperate ways. I don't feel like we really had time to try anything. But just look above again - I guess it just wasn't right, and maybe the counsellor could see that. Although, I am still not 100% convinced. sad hey. but there's nothing I can do about it because the decision as far as he is concerned is final.

 

As regards the age difference thing - he mentioned our age difference a few times recently and I could never see that as an issue. But I guess between 28-33 alot does go on. You want things right by then I guess. I know I do. I would say he has kind of been going through a 'quater-life crisis'.

 

We are still in the same house - I am having trouble finding somewhere to live for me and my cat! Stupid tho it sounds, I love my cat and really want her company - esp when I come home, go to bed and move into a new place on my own (I wont feel anywhere near so alone if I have her). But I am in a total dilemma of waiting for the right place to live and wanting to get out of here as soon as poss. My sister has said she will have the cat until I live somewhere suitable - but the environment is so totally dif to what she is used to! Here - me and fields outside the back. There - 4 kids, housing estate and a tom cat. I have found a perfect place for me - but not me and the cat......

 

You say you have been through several relationships - well, me too. 2 x 4 year ones and this 3 yr one. And this is the first one I had ever felt was forever. The first one where I felt totally secure, never wanted to cheat on him, and never experienced any jealousy, totally happy with him - loved him so so much, we had so much in common. It makes me wonder if I will ever feel like that again. I feel foolish for trusting such a feeling as 'forever'. Because it was never really a decision I made thinking - this is forever - it was just a gut feeling, a totally natural feeling - just there - it just was. You know? I guess I just felt so comfortable. I felt so accepted by him. So relieved I wouldn't ever have to have a heartbreak again or go through the crap of dating - meeting the wrong people or having to 'reject' people. God I hate that! Meeting people you like but they don't like you - so it screws up yoir confidence! I can't be bothered!!! But - I do want someone. lol.

 

I don't suppose I have ever 'really' believed in forever anyway and I always known that if ever a relationship breaks up, I will be ok on my own - eventually. I think that is why I am not a jealous person - which I was once. You can't stop how people feel. I knew that there was always the possibility that the right person will come along even if you thought you were with 'the right person' already.

 

From how you sound - I think you will easily find someone who is willing to give you all the attention you deserve. Just looking at this site its full of people wanting to give so much, there is a whole worldful out there - it's just finding the right one. You have such a positive and more importantly pro-active attitude towards improving your life it speaks volumes about you. Seeing this as a second chance is a great way to think about it. This time you can use to improve yourself to however and wherever you want to be. I go totally with the self improvement thing - it gives you bags more confidence. Which is something I really need! Esp regards to going out! Uni starts on Monday - I go back a single woman, dreading to tell people (i feel like I will look like a failure or a reject) but then hey - I'm going back with a different approach. I can really focus on my work and push myself to not be so shy and go out with people...... if I can find any I like! (sheesh! i'm hard to please!).

 

the music festival went well - mostly people out of my age group (50+), but that's never bothered me before as I have been going to these things since I was little. Had a fun weekend camping, met loadsof nice people (moslty drunk!). But I need something closer to home and the festival season is at an end. It's just deciding what to do!

 

Long reply this isn't it? It was nice to hear from you - keep in touch - I'll be happy to listen to all the good and the bad times you go through. It would be good to hear how you are dealing with it all. I would pm you but I dont know how - so - i guess it's this for now! btw are you uk or us? you dont have to answer that if you dont want to

 

Anyone else reading this thread please feel very free to comment - it is by no means a closed conversation.

 

take care for now

 

meg. x

[db75]

Long reply this isn't it? It was nice to hear from you - keep in touch - I'll be happy to listen to all the good and the bad times you go through. It would be good to hear how you are dealing with it all. I would pm you but I dont know how - so - i guess it's this for now! btw are you uk or us? you dont have to answer that if you dont want to

 

 

Hey Meg, good to hear from you again. So much of what you said in your latest reply really hits home. You and I are a heck of alot alike. I'm also someone who doesn't like to go out much. Not really a confidence issue as it was I just really liked staying at home. This was one of the issues that sprung up between us. She and I also had a virtually non-existant sex life over the last year. The last time we were together in that way was all the way back in March and I think that was the first time since the previous year. We both had our reasons for that. Mine were mainly mental things, not really feeling as connected with her before as I once did and I just wasn't as sexually attracted to her on a physical level. Odd as this sounds, she'd lost a good bit of weight. I'm a guy who likes his women "thick" or curvy whatever you might call it, not fat mind you, just thick. She'd gotten pretty skinny, not only is she not the same on the inside anymore she looks so different on the outside now too.

 

All in all though things are going pretty well for me. I met alot of very nice people in that social group I mentioned before. I'm almost finished moving to my temporary home and I've found a couple of job prospects in my field in the town I want to move to next year.

 

I wish you could PM me but since we're both new members on this site you can't use that feature until you're an "established member." So I guess we'll have to wait until we reach that user level. Unless you'd like to exchange e-mails, which on a public forum might not be the best idea. Let me know, we could always create some free-mail accounts with yahoo or something so it wouldn't be a big deal if they get spammed.

 

Oh yeah, sadly I'm in the US and not the UK

 

Anyway, thanks for all the kind remarks and I'm happy for you, it sounds like you're doing a bit better. Hang in there, I'll be around if you wanna chat. Take care Meg.

 

-db

[Meg_77]

hey well db - I just looked at the subscription $ - it costs v little for a month! so I'm signing up ......!

[db75]

hey well db - I just looked at the subscription $ - it costs v little for a month! so I'm signing up ......!

 

Very well then. It is pretty cheap. I'll go ahead and sign up as well. Look forward to hearing from you then.

[Meg_77]

ooooooooo.k - now I've got to figure out how! lmao! ..... o dear. any thoughts? looked around FAQ's but still no joy!

[db75]

Hey Meg, you have to turn your PM option on to enable. It's off by default. Otherwise you cannot recieve or send PM's.

 

Don't know how computer friendly you are(I am and it took me a minute to figure out) but to turn your PM option on:

 

Click on My Profile/CP in the upper left hand area of your screen

 

Then under the Settings/Options column on the left of the screen click on "edit options"

 

Scroll down a bit and under messaging and options in the main area of the screen check the box for "enable private messaging" then just scroll all the way to the bottom and click "save changes" at the bottom of the screen.

 

There ya go.

 

 

 

 

Then to actually use the PM system, click on the My/Profile CP thing again in the upper left area of the screen and then just look at the column on the left side of the screen and you'll see the private messaging section. Just click on send new message and from there you're golden.

[Rooster_DAR]

Thanks for the kind words Meg. They do indeed help. I get a bit better everyday. I've had so many realizations about my ex over the last few days. Main thing is, looking back at the last few months I think I felt even more lonely with her than I do without her now. She's a good person but she's just so wrapped up in her now and her interests that there really wasn't time for us anymore. I just wanted out. I'm hoping I'll find someone who truly deserves me one day, someone who's certainly emotionally available. Looking back, we were probably doomed from the start, but that's how alot of relationships are when you're in the thick of them...you see what you want to see.

 

I joined up with that social club for the first time last night. Great group of people, I can certainly see myself making some new friends which I really need right now. It's a long story as to why, but this is the first social outing I've been on in almost 2 months, so this was really nice for me.

 

I feel like I've been given a second chance to do my life all over again. I'm not going to waste it. Not that my life has been horrible or that I'm a screw up, I've just got some things I want to set right about myself.

 

I still miss my ex sometimes, really I miss the woman I fell in love with 3.5 years ago, that's who I really miss. She's been gone for a long time though, I hardly know the woman she's become. People change though. I was always worried our age difference could play a factor and it did. She's 25 now, I'm 31. Funny what a difference a few years can make in someones ideals and wants. I remember what it was like being 25, so I kinda understand some of where her thoughts are. This situation has been difficult because while I've been through several relationships, she and I really thought we had a future together. I hadn't felt that with any of the others, that's why letting her go has been difficult. You're letting go of your dreams. I know I'll get to live those dreams out with someone else someday. I'm just going to try as best as I can to enjoy the ride that gets me to that person.

 

Anyway, thanks again Meg. Hope to hear from you again soon.

 

I am in the same boat as you two, kinda lost after being with S/O for 5 years. It's kinda hard for me as well cause the friends I do have left are all married and can't do much. I've just been pretty much going out by myself, which i'm okay with, it just kinda bites sometimes.

[db75]

I am in the same boat as you two, kinda lost after being with S/O for 5 years. It's kinda hard for me as well cause the friends I do have left are all married and can't do much. I've just been pretty much going out by myself, which i'm okay with, it just kinda bites sometimes.

 

Yeah, it really does bite sometimes. I'm dealing with the going out alone thing, don't like it, but I'm doing it anyway because it's good for me to do so. Going to a movie or out to eat alone can feel pretty darn awkward. Slowly but surely though I'm expanding my social circle again. It had pretty much dwindled down to nothing while me and my ex were together, we were wrapped up in one another in good times or bad to the point where it probably wasn't healthy. Oh well, live and learn I guess. It's all going to get better for all of us at some point.