Cause of Breakup? Female Aggression (Long)

[jane8495]

Well, this is my first post here. I found this site when I was looking for information on relationship and breakup issues, and am really glad I stumbled upon it. Forgive me if this is long, but I need to get it out. About a week ago, my boyfriend of almost six years broke up with me. This is not the first time, we‘ve broken up so many times, I can’t even count anymore. I always took him back, more often than not initiating our reconciliation, which I now realize was a big mistake. I could talk about my maturity or self esteem issues, but I don’t even want to go there right now.

The reason that he broke up with me is because he feels I was physically aggressive during a two day argument that we had. This issue began a long time ago, when I was about 16, he playfully slapped me on the face, and I slapped him back (he left then and when he came back, made me promise never to hit him again), and it’s been downhill ever since. This is a part of myself and the breakup that I am having a hard time dealing with.

There have been several instances in our relationship where we were fighting, and I became so overwhelmed and emotionally hurt that I lost control of myself and threw things (stuffed animals, a DVD case), I‘ve punched pillows, I‘ve hit walls. In the moments that I do this, I feel I am doing it because he refuses to listen to me, is manipulative with me, treats me with no regard whatsoever. I know this is not an excuse, but it doesn’t make it any easier either.

Over the years, I feel I have come a long way in being less physically aggressive with him. He’s expressed to me several times how important it is that I not touch him when I am upset, whether it be a hug, blocking his path, or a shove, and I have tried to change my behavior out of respect for him.

We had a good solid patch and had made a lot of progress, and were talking about marriage… But lately, I’ve been under a lot of stress, and I initiated an argument with him that he ended up taking over. He was pissed off at me for two days, couldn’t talk to me or be “personable” with me in his own words. I will admit that I was very needy in this relationship and craved physical closeness with him, which maybe shouldn‘t have been his responsibility… I don‘t know. The last night he was here, I told him to leave if he couldn’t put his anger aside and be nice to me, but being weak, changed my mind and asked him to stay. He stayed but looked at me like I was pathetic, and told me that he still couldn’t be close to me even though I told him how important it was. As he was walking out of the room I blocked his path with my “elbow” essentially performing an act of aggression by “elbowing” him. The following morning he left and now says he is incapable of forgiving me, has given me too many chances, that I am incapable of changing, and that he is sorry for the next man who is with me because that man will hit me back. He said that this incident was magnified by what we have been through in the past, and if this had been the first time it had happened, he wouldn’t have had to break up with me. He feels that I am not safe to be around, and doesn’t want to wait around for the next time I do this. In my mind, this incident was not a very big deal, but I am trying to work through my issues.

Hearing him say that he was afraid of me “hitting” him the rest of his life is very scary. I’ve been looking on the internet and can find very little information about female aggression/physical violence. It’s particularly difficult because I still feel so much pain and hurt from the way that he treated me during the argument/breakup, I’m having a hard time focusing on the fact that I was responsible for it.

Part of me feels like this is him being manipulative and I can’t possibly be this bad to be around, but another part of me starts to believe him… I feel so… unsettled, and disappointed, has anyone ever been in a situation like this, or just offer an outside opinion? Thanks in advance for anyone who took the time to read through this…

 

Jane

[Chris123]

your situation sounds jus like mine and her name is also Jane. She was really abusive, i have told her to stop so many times but it never worked. I remeber one time we had an agurment in the car (i dont rmemeber what it's about). But she grabed her set of keys n threw it to my head causing me to bleed like crazy. The she cried and said sorry. We also broke up a bunch of times before but i always end up going back to her or calling her back.... i know most of you is gonna say i am a weak ass but i did. We were together for 2 1/2 years and i finally broke up with her last week. Why? Because of a small agrument that we had n she ended up pushing me to the window and hit me wiht her fist. After getting a middle finger shoved in my face. i finally said it's over...

 

She said she hit me because i don't listen to her. But really, No one in this world want to listne to you if you keep hitting them or hurting them. If problems can't solve during your fight/agrument, you should either walk away, let it cool down for a bit because you both are heat up and couldn't think correctly. I know i am the type of guy that coudn't think straight and stubborn when i am pissed off. But giving him time ot cool off, he will eventually know waht he did was wrong and eventually apologize to you. If the case it was your fault, tell him that you are sorry becuase guys get soft and let it go when their SO do that (i wish my ex did but she never seem to realized she did something wrong). Jus remember hitting or throwing things won't progress the relationship, it iwll jus make it worse, i know you throw things to make him understand that you care so much, we know but at that moment we are so heat up that nothing will come out right. I hope that your realationship will work out and good luck.

[Chris123]

your situation sounds jus like mine and her name is also Jane. She was really abusive, i have told her to stop so many times but it never worked. I remeber one time we had an agurment in the car (i dont rmemeber what it's about). But she grabed her set of keys n threw it to my head causing me to bleed like crazy. The she cried and said sorry. We also broke up a bunch of times before but i always end up going back to her or calling her back.... i know most of you is gonna say i am a weak ass but i did. We were together for 2 1/2 years and i finally broke up with her last week. Why? Because of a small agrument that we had n she ended up pushing me to the window and hit me wiht her fist. After getting a middle finger shoved in my face. i finally said it's over...

 

She said she hit me because i don't listen to her. But really, No one in this world want to listne to you if you keep hitting them or hurting them. If problems can't solve during your fight/agrument, you should either walk away, let it cool down for a bit because you both are heat up and couldn't think correctly. I know i am the type of guy that coudn't think straight and stubborn when i am pissed off. But giving him time ot cool off, he will eventually know waht he did was wrong and eventually apologize to you. If the case it was your fault, tell him that you are sorry becuase guys get soft and let it go when their SO do that (i wish my ex did but she never seem to realized she did something wrong). Jus remember hitting or throwing things won't progress the relationship, it iwll jus make it worse, i know you throw things to make him understand that you care so much, we know but at that moment we are so heat up that nothing will come out right. I hope that your realationship will work out and good luck.

[jane8495]

Thanks, Chris for your input. I know that physically expressing my anger is wrong, and that I need to work on my self control. Even though I never punched my ex, I guess he could see me getting to the point that your girlfriend did, and wasn't willing to let that happen.

[MisterJ]

Jane,

 

Maybe anger management. Ever considered it? If you feel you have a temper, and it sounds like you do, it might really help you. Google it. See what you find. You never know, you might decide it could really help. Just a suggestion.

[jane8495]

Yes, I've considered anger management, but it seems like it's hard to find information on the subject in regards to women. Maybe I'm just not looking hard enough, or interested enough in changing yet... Thank you for your input. I really appreciate it.

[Bex_23]

Hey Jane,

 

You seem to be aking all the blame here, did I misread your first post or didi you say that he (Jokingly) slapped you round the face first?

 

From your brief post it sounds as if your anger maybe a symptom rather than the cause of your breakup.

 

Can I ask if you felt your ex showed you enough physical affection, hugs kisses etc?

 

Maybe your urge to push, shove, or hug when you were angry was a frustrated expression of your need for physical contact?

 

I am certainly not condoning violence in a realtionship, but I'm not convinced that anger management is really what you need maybe simply a new boyfriend who listens to your point of view and meets your needs would do the trick?

 

Reflect on your actions and manage the behaviour that you are not proud of, but dont take all the blame.

[jane8495]

Thanks Bex, for replying.

 

Yes, he did playfully slap me first, and I slapped him back... (I didn't reach back or anything... there was no mark on his face... but I guess he could tell I wasn't kidding? I don't know)... One of the reasons I suppose I accept all the blame is because he says that we could've worked on anything else, just not this. When I try and tell him what I was feeling when I "hit" him, he tells me that I am just trying to justify my actions, and that I can never fully accept blame for something. I feel that there is a big difference between provoked and unprovoked aggression, especially when I'm not just going at it and pounding on the guy...

 

As for physical affection, I suppose he showed enough, just not when we were arguing. When we had a disagreement about something that he took personally (typically my behaviour, he often complained of me being rude and offensive) he was often so "shocked, disappointed, and disturbed" by me that he couldn't talk to me for days. I can tell you now, that my behaviour wasn't that bad. Yes sometimes I'd get angry if he didn't cut the grass... or he played video games all day... or he didn't answer his phone all day long when he expects me to get mine by the second ring... stupid stuff. I might have been being bitchy and irritated, but I didn't call him names, I didn't yell - yet in spite of this, he would accuse me of being rude and tell me that just because I was angry with him didn't give me the right to be mean to him... and then he'd get mad at me, not talk to me, and not really address the issue that i was upset about in the first place...

 

Then, i end up apologizing to him because I offended him and because i was rude to him and he tells me i'm not being sincere and just to leave him the f*** alone... Then at some point in the future maybe a day or two later, he would come and give me a hug and act like he had forgiven me when I was the one who was mad at him... Like he really needed that much time to calm down because I was mad at him :confused:

 

To me this seems manipulative and weird. I don't understand why in his mind I am supposed to sit back and let him make all these accusations of me, and whenever I'm angry with him - he almost treats me like I'd better not express my anger with him or he's gonna leave me... If that makes any sense.

 

Just typing this makes me feel very strange and disappointed...

 

Maybe I take all the blame because he refuses to take any? There's only so much of him being angry over stupid crap that I can tolerate... Once I get to that point I don't even care about whose right, I just want the argument to be over. He combats this by telling me I'm not allowed to tell him when to get over things... Which is fine, but at the same time, give me a break, you know?

 

There were alot of problems. And the thing that hurts the most is that he's never owned up to this really, and instead places the failure of our entire relationship on my head.

 

ETA: It almost feel like he's condoning everything bad that he's done in our relationship, like he won't take responsibility for his own actions.

[Bex_23]

I honestly think your only problem was being in relationship with a manipulative 12 year old.

 

Sounds as if he really hasn't been treating you with much respect, and manipulatating your responses.

 

You have ended up becoming pushed to the point of exploding and so suddenly it's all your fault because you have crossed a line been "violent".

 

I bet you have never hurt him.

 

I think you are doing fine. You are right to acknowledge that you would benefit from working on your anger. However it sounds like he really wasn't treating you either well or fairly.

 

If someone treats you like that, and you find it difficult to express your needs, often you don't find a way of letting of steam, so you keep it all inside. Eventually you will blow, usually over something inappropriate or minor, and then it can all become your fault.

 

Someone manipulative will know just how to use this to their advantage.

 

Your ex sounds like an irresponsable, manipulative child. I reckon you will do much better without him.

[jane8495]

Bex, thank you so much for your response, even though this whole situation with him sucks, it helps to be able to get out all the sordid details to someone and get a fresh and honest opinion.

 

He always made me feel like if I could've changed, we would've had this perfect fairy tale relationship, and that's just not true. Knowing this I feel will make it easier for me to move on and be positive about myself and my future relationships. Of course it still hurts but at least I'm starting to come out of the fog...

 

Thanks again!

 

Jane

[Bex_23]

It looks to me like you are out of the fog already, you seem to be seeing things pretty clearly!

 

One of the things that wll drag people back into realtionships again and again and ultimately cause the most anguish, is the belief that it will miraculously become a fairytale relationship if only one little thing were different.

 

I am fairly positive that that would never be true!

 

I think you sound really together. Of course it will be painfull and I am sure at times you will be tempted to go back, but I think it's pretty clear he is never going to be who you would need want and like him to be.

 

Stay strong. The most important thing is to value yourself, for if you can't do it, how can you expect any one else to do it!!

 

You've got to break the recovery into little pieces.

 

First you've got to wait for the pain to heal, and it will with time, as long as you dont keep getting your fingers burned.That might make it go septic! Stay away from him and the pain will slowly go away.

 

Then once you are painfree you need to start your rehab your physical therapy if you like, get strong, learn to understand yourself, what is it that you want and what is it that you need.

 

Get in better shape, get fit, change your style.

 

Do something for yourself. Something you hae always wanted to do, or never got round to.

 

Start feeling good about yourself, start valuing yourself.

 

Don't date until you really know what it is you need.

 

Sometimes it takes a long time to work out the difference between what it is we want and what it is we need.

 

Relationships are ALWAYS a compromise. But you should only ever compromise over what it is you want, never what you need.

 

Then finally, when you are ready to start dating I suggest you come up with three things you know that you need.

 

This will become your three point criteria, you don't ever even have to tell anyone what your three points are.

 

When you meet people you know that if they don't meet all your three point criteria it will never be a fairy tale relationship, how can it be if it isn't going to give you what you needs?

 

I reckon this method really helps save you from unecessary heartache, and also helps you to not overlook the perfect potential partner just cos something that you thought you wanted is missing.

 

In 10 years time you will probably not even want the same things anymore. But your needs are about who you really are.

 

When your needs are met, then you can truly flourish and develop as a person.

 

You are so lucky you didn't marry this guy. Be who you can be, not who you think you have to be!

 

Big Hugs,

 

Bex

[Tinman]

Bex had some good points. It sounds like this was a relationship that just plain wasn't working and, regardless of the cause, you are better off out of it.

 

However...

 

...I became so overwhelmed and emotionally hurt that I lost control of myself and threw things (stuffed animals, a DVD case), I‘ve punched pillows, I‘ve hit walls.

 

That doesn't mean you don't appear to have some definite anger management issues and there's no reason to believe that these aren't going to keep manifesting.

 

"He/She just made me so mad.." is never an excuse. You can't always control your feelings but you can control your actions.

 

I would definitely second the call to look into some anger management classes.

 

Yes, I've considered anger management, but it seems like it's hard to find information on the subject in regards to women.

 

If you're not finding a lot of information specific to women its because problems with expressing anger is a pretty gender neutral issue. Some generalize that men and women often express that anger in different ways, but in either case the the coping skills are largely the same.

[Bex_23]

I do completely agree with Tinman here.

 

It would really help to get to the route of why you feel the need to express yourself this way and at the sametime learn not to do it.

 

If you can do that you will feel a whole lot better about yourself.