3 months of NC IS DESTROYING ME

[horsekiss]

the man who meant the world to me

the man i thought i would marry

 

out of the blue without any warning took off on me-and he has had no contact with me -today being 3 months.

 

we have had issues of him disappearing in the past for many wks-but i was always the first to make contact-through phone or email. i couldnt stand not being without him or talking to him more than a week-or two

so i would call and eventually we would make up and end up back together

this went on for years-

 

we have been togother for almost 9 years

we have the same interests and the same things in common.schooling, likes in everything-pretty much

i always say i want to be with him and he tells me the same thing

 

but he hasnt shown me anything concrete that he wants to be with me!

he always has been so leary of making the step to marriage.

we have never looked at rings-everytime we walk by a store he would vere off to the other side avoiding it

 

he knows i want it badly

but hasnt made any steps to go forward

 

he likes his freedom -likes his friends-

and when i start to come a tiny bit closer to the subject -he runs

literally disappearing for wks at a time without explaining -after i take him back.......i think this time it will be different-he seems to be changing

 

i find myself being sad and crying alot

infront of him

he says comments like your being moody!

and wont talk to me-at all shuns me out-becuase i cry

i cry because -our relationship doesnt move forward-tears make him angry and he runs....

 

this time it was different-3 months to the day!

i started to cry and he accused me of being a basket case

and saying i needed help

 

that was the last time i spoke to him-3 months ago!

it differs greatly this time because

I HAVENT CONTACTED HIM AT ALL

as tempting as it is-trust me-its come close

but i have had it!!!!!!!! i deserve so much more than this type of treatment from someone that says they love me-and cant live without me!

 

its been so long-and him doing this -over and over has finally gotten to me

 

where i have to step up and make a change-

MY QUESTION IS HOW CAN A MAN JUST DROP A WOMAN -AND MAKE NO CONTACT FOR 3 MONTHS-IF HE SAYS HE CARES AND LOVES HER????????

help with advice please

am i doing the right thing?????

 

i

[allina]

Awwww, reading this pains me. Sweetie it's not okay for a man to dissapear on your like that, you deserve better treatment. For 9 years you have put up with this?? Does he think the way he acts is normal?? I'm a little confused as to how he explains this to you. It's hard but yes, you are doing the right thing by not contacting him.

[daphne]

horse,

 

Courage sweetie. This guy isn't into you the way you need him to be. He plays games with you and turns it around on you when most girls in your position would be emotional.

 

If someone strung me along for that long, I would get fed up and realize that I can do a whole lot better and walk away. Forget the common interests. If you guys were meant to be, you would already have been by now. He wasn't convinced you were the one and you know you deserve better than that.

 

I know it hurts but you're focused on teh wrong person. It's all about you now. This period of no contact will be good for you. He thinks he's going to win when he comes back yet again but by the time he does, I hope you realize what a jerk he is and that you need something better.

[riobikini]

HK,

 

'NC' is not truly what is 'destroying' you: it's the *how* part of the break -and the *why* part that's killing you.

 

CP's are good for delivering that kind of whallop to someone's emotional ego, leaving a big gaping chasm of pain, confusion, and abandonment feelings.

 

The 'why' part screams in your brain constantly, and the 'how-they-did-it' part just rips you to pieces.

 

You live every moment with no answers.

 

And that's why the 'NC' burns.

 

Look, I can engrave in stone a promise to you that you are going to heal from this, and will, one day, look back on it as a blessing that he left you, -but in your present emotional state, you probably aren't ready to accept that promise.

 

Instead, I'm going to tell you some of what you *need* to hear from someone to just get by moment-to-moment, for the time being -while allowing for some healing (time) to begin. Here it is:

 

If he is truly a dyed-in-the-wool CP, *you did nothing to cause him to leave*. He left *because of himself, and his problem*.

 

You are just as desirable, loveable/likeable, and worthy a human being as you were before you met him.

 

You may not get your answers *now* -but one day, this whole thing will take on a great deal more understanding -and meaning- for you.

 

You will grow in a *positive* way, from the experience.

 

You remain as equally capable of living a happy life again, as anyone else on the planet, despite your present circumstances.

 

You probably won't be able to erase this memory, but you will discover ways to put the memory to good use, subsequently and likewise, you may be hurting right now, but you are more likely to use that hurt to help heal someone else in the future, than forget about it.

 

HK, you may feel as broken as a geranium pot at this moment, but remember that even broken pottery is useful: it's used to drain the soil in *other* pots.

 

Stay in the boards, keep posting, share whatever you need to get out of your system.

 

And reach broadly, sincerely, and with effort, towards another day.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[heartnsoul]

http://commitment-phobia.com/bookexcerpt.html

 

This site seems to have some decent information and stories on CP.

 

Hope it helps!

 

You will be OK

[horsekiss]

RIO!!!!!

I CANT THANKYOU ENOUGH

for those things you wrote

i have been reading this post over and over

will forward this to work to print -out and keep in my wallet

in times of weakness-

 

this site-with all of your wonderful posts-is a god -send

i came across it by accident-googling-help-i have been dumped

 

thankyou again

you dont know how much these are helping me

 

i had gone out for the afternoon-and was feeling so weak and teary

i came home and immediately logged on to find words of strength and encouragement-now i feel so much better

THANKS FROM THE HEART

[riobikini]

re:

 

HK: "i had gone out for the afternoon-and was feeling so weak and teary; i came home and immediately logged on to find words of strength and encouragement-now i feel so much better. THANKS FROM THE HEART"

 

 

HK, you are welcome.

 

From the (my) heart.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio