Tangerina Posted April 17, 2006 Share Posted April 17, 2006 It hurts so bad, why am I in the exact same situation again? He said all the exact same words as my ex, except this guy is actually worth crying over. But why is it the same? WHY? I feel like I am reliving the last time in his words, twice as much to deal with. Its like it is my fate to be dealt this card again and again. WHy do I even try? IT hurts so bad. I hate waiting, I HATE it. But I would regret it so much if I didn't at least try one time to make things right. I don't know why he thinks that this one problem, these bad feeling, have ruined things forever........ I can't make sense of it.... maybe he is right that he should just leave me for good so I don't have to deal with anything else hurtful from him... but this is the first time he's hurt me and personally I think you can work through this sort of thing, but to him its the end of the world because he can't stand seeing me hurt.... I don't even know what to think.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tangerina Posted April 17, 2006 Author Share Posted April 17, 2006 (sorry this is so long and incoherent, I don't feel super happy and I've had a few drinks ---I know, self medicating is bad but I think acceptable within reason in the first few days of dealing with a particularily bad s***storm, as is listening to crappy music---) Ironic, isn't it? I met this guy too soon after my ex but we really liked each other and so he did everything he could to show me that he was different, that he would treat me differently, that he had different expectations and goals... and he held true to all of that, he has been so wonderful.... but now we come down to it and he is just another guy in his early 20's, scared about life, afraid that he isn't living it right, that he is missing something he should be doing, and afraid that being with me is playing a part in that.... I never ever again want to hear about how I am the most wonderful person they have ever met, how I am too good for them because they aren't ready to meet the most wonderful person yet... they want to go through a few more less wonderful ones and be with me for real at the end of it all.... I'm the girl everyone wants to marry but no one wants to give up their precious youth to.... which basically leaves me alone cuz I am not getting older any faster than they are... I feel like I should stop falling in love, but I am not interested in just having meaningless flings like all of the men I meet are and at the begining they are interested in love to... haha, "all the men" as in the two I have been in love with, but between them I have been with someone from age 16-20... might still be with one of them, but I just don't know where this is going... how do they manage to wrap up so much of their self worth in that concept.... I know he misses me so much right now, he says he feels like he is stupid and crazy any time he doubts that he should be with me, but his doubts make him feel too hypocritical, like he doesn't diserve me, and he is trying to be noble and not put me through that... I have known he has had doubts since a month after we got together, doubts about his ability to stay engaged in a long term relationship and not feel trapped, but I have had no problem living with it because his actions have shown me that he wants to be with me. I can deal with that sort of dichotomy. For everything you love and put that much energy into there is another side for all of the other things you could be putting that energy into (college is like this too me... I love is so much and I love where it is taking me, but some days I just wonder if it is worth missing everything I could be doing if I wasn't tied to school). I know he misses the other side, but I have never felt that it kept him from really giving himself to me so I didn't worry about it too much... but because for the first time we really brought it out and talked about it and because I cried so much he is afraid that even if we do work things out I will never really trust him again because of the hurt I felt today... I wish he could give me more credit than that to deal with the complexities of life... I know he just doesn't want me to hurt... it makes him cry when I cry... but then I wonder if the "I don't want to hurt you" is just an excuse and he just doesn't want to be with me and hasn't for a while.... but we have decided to take some time to think and then try to make things more honest and exciting with each other if it is possible.... because really honestly we have had no problems between us except for the fact that he is seriously doubting his ability to be in a relationship at this point in his life... I just hate all this waiting around until we start trying to work on things, but I do need to give him that time to really sort his feelings and have a chance to miss me. I feel like I should just buck up and get over it because he will never stop having doubts that make him feel bad about being with me, but I would regret it so much if I didn't at least try to fix things, like I said, this is the first time we have ever had this much crying between us and we have been together almost a year... we never fight or intentionally hurt each other..... I mean, it isn't like sick supression of bad feelings, but we just get pissy and deal with it and get over it so we never fights like we did with our exes.... this just doesn't feel like the end.... and he said he doesn't want it to be, and that he "rarely has the opportunity to screw up this badly in life" as in he feels it could be a huge mistake for us to break up and when we parted today he tentatively says he wants to try to work on things, but I don't know if that was really his heart talking or if it was just his emotions about seeing me so upset speaking.... anyways, I really don't want to lose this guy, he is too good.... there are so many more good men out there, and I'll be fine if this is for real, eventually, but I at least have to try to make things right..... Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted April 17, 2006 Share Posted April 17, 2006 I would like to respond to your post. Is there a way you can briefly summarize what happened ? From the beginning to now ? And how this one was like the other relationship. ? I was not familiar with your prior posts ( if any ) Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
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