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My (ex)girlfriend snooped on my computer and found I had emailed craigslist casual encounters three times in one night two months before we met. I didn't follow through on any of them, but she dumped me anyway stating that she didn't want that kind of thing in her life. I'm trying to find perspective, and would welcome any insight. Thanks.

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jen_jen_heartbroken

Whether or not you followed through with these hookups or not, she is obviously not interested in being in a relationship with someone who would even consider such a thing. Can't say I blame her one bit. Obviously, you both have very different moral convictions, and she has the right to be with someone who has the same values as she does.

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Big deal.

He looked into some casual encounters - BEFORE he met his gf/ex-gf!

 

And she snooped (bad!) - and found out, then broke up with him over THAT?

 

Simply amazing.

 

I don't think this reflects on his moral convictions. Hello - he didn't even go through with it, just looked into it!

 

to the OP - leave this girl alone. I think the craigslist thing is just a cover-up for her wanting to break up - whatever those real reasons were.

 

K.

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lilmrcheerful

Hi,

 

Well, i don't know if it will make you feel better, but i am going through almost the exact same thing as you (read my thread for all the details).

 

You have 2 very mixed responses here already. I think my view would be somewhere in-between but leaning more towards your ex (and mine). Yes ok, they have snooped, however to be honest, i really did'nt mind her doing that, and i personally thought i had nothing to hide anyway (although seems a stupid thing to say now), but i really did not think that when my ex saw profiles of dating agenices i joined up a long time ago, that it would affect her so much. OK, so i know what my biggest mistake was, and that's not telling her in the first place (especially when she asked the question in the past).

 

However, i don't want to defend myself. I do believe i have done wrong BUT only in the sense that i was not totally honest, but i am definately not guilty of cheating or deceiving her with regards to actually persuing these sites and the women on them (i hardly did it when i was single anyway, just was not my style and really it was just following up a suggestion from a friend after my divorce to see if that option worked for me, it didn't and i should have deleted the links and profiles there and then).

 

3 weeks on, still NC, i am beginning to wonder if perhaps there is more to it that meets the eye here, if there were any other issues that perhaps i did not know about, because prior to her dissapearing, we were totally inseperable, from one extreme to the other. This is what i am finding a little difficult to come to terms with, hoping that she would at least contact me to say something, if anything.

 

I think in your case too, it will be just a matter of wait and see if she gets back in contact with you, she is hurting no doubt, as is my ex. I guess i am a couple of weeks ahead of you, and in my case i still have NC, but i did send her a greeting card last Friday because she is Irish and i sent her an ecard for St Patricks day, not sure if that was a wise move, but it was just a thought and it did not say much anyway, certainly no lovey dovey stuff, that is most definately the last thing i would have thought she'd want to hear.

 

I guess it's down to each individual and how much this issue is within their tolerance/forgiveness level. I guess with my ex, she had her own issues with severe jealousy & self esteem problems anyway which really would not help this particular problem, so in my case, being 110% honest was probably the only single most important thing to her, and if that was in any way tainted, i think to her it was the same as someone being unfaithfull, or at least in the same mould. But perhaps, to someone else, this issue could be compromised (i know of 2 girls that have forgiven their partners for slightly worse than what we have done), so it really does depend on what values they hold dearest to them, and i don't blame them really. The only thing i regret is that if she really did give me a chance, she would have seen my sincereness in all this and that i would never have repeated anything like this ever again.

 

I hope it works out for you somehow.

Take Care.

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jen_jen_heartbroken
Big deal.

He looked into some casual encounters - BEFORE he met his gf/ex-gf!

 

Yes, to some people this is a big deal. As I said, these are two people who have different ideas about what is morally acceptable.

 

I don't think this reflects on his moral convictions. Hello - he didn't even go through with it, just looked into it!

 

The fact that he "looked into it" speaks to his moral beliefs. And she has the right to be with someone who shares her values about what is right and what is wrong.

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Yes, to some people this is a big deal. As I said, these are two people who have different ideas about what is morally acceptable.QUOTE]

 

 

That seems terribly harsh. Morally acceptable? I sent three ill-advised emails. She read TWO YEARS worth of email, and that was all she saw that bothered her. I venture to say that over a two year span, we all do or say things we may not be proud of. My moral convictions are fine. Had she not snooped, or had I password protected my email, I wonder where we'd be. I wonder what type of "morality" is involved in breaching trust and privacy and reading another's email.

 

I see so many justifying snooping on these boards. Realize that that kind of activity is extremely damaging to a relationship.

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catgirl1927
The fact that he "looked into it" speaks to his moral beliefs. And she has the right to be with someone who shares her values about what is right and what is wrong.

 

And the fact that she was snooping through his computer without asking speaks to hers.

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jen_jen_heartbroken
And the fact that she was snooping through his computer without asking speaks to hers.

 

And she found out something that was a deal-breaker for her. Sometimes the ends DO justify the means

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And she found out something that was a deal-breaker for her. Sometimes the ends DO justify the means

 

Moral of the story? Two wrongs don't make a right.

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jen_jen_heartbroken

Unless you have something to hide, snooping shouldn't bother anyone.

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Everyone has an expectation of privacy. Is it okay to read someone's journal? What about a heartfelt letter from a parent or loved one? Is every single thing available just because one is in a relationship? No. If you want to look at something that is not yours, you ask. If you have questions, you ask. If you don't trust, you communicate. If you still can't trust, you leave.

 

Yours is a very narrow and immature point-of-view. Snooping IS dishonest. It is covert. It is a breach of trust.

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Citizen Erased

Craigslist is not a group of born again Hitler-Youths. People meet people. This has nothing to do with ones morals, it tells us that the OP was lonely and looking for someone in his loneliness. He then met his ex and stopped.

 

There is nothing wrong with that. If he had of kept on then of course, dump him, but what if I broke up with my boyfriend because he slept with his ex, and I dont want that THING in my life? This is ridiculous.

 

She is distrustful and sneaky. Forget about her. Unless you had been together for like 10 years and she had reason to think you were having an affair then by all means, snoop away. It was unecessary and she will look back and realise what a fool she has been.

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Great post. Couldn't agree more.

 

Do you believe that someone who is distrustful and sneaky can be reformed, or are those traits that continue on ad infinitum?

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jen_jen_heartbroken

I cannot believe that I am the only one here who thinks that arranging casual sex with strangers on the internet is morally disgusting!

 

GAWD! This is what is wrong with our society. Nobody has any scruples left.

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amaysngrace
Moral of the story? Two wrongs don't make a right.

 

yeah CG but three rights make a left :p

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I cannot believe that I am the only one here who thinks that arranging casual sex with strangers on the internet is morally disgusting!

 

GAWD! This is what is wrong with our society. Nobody has any scruples left.

 

You have every right to decide that something is "morally disgusting." The broader point, though, is that snooping is a negative act. A destructive act. And, judging someone so harshly after committing a destructive act is a bit of the pot calling the kettle black.

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My (ex)girlfriend snooped on my computer and found I had emailed craigslist casual encounters three times in one night two months before we met. I didn't follow through on any of them, but she dumped me anyway stating that she didn't want that kind of thing in her life. I'm trying to find perspective, and would welcome any insight. Thanks.

Well maybe she got burned in a previous relationship by someone that had similar behavior (more or less). Or she could have had other reasons for breaking up with you that she didn't tell you because she is based on her behavior less than open, honest and direct.

 

If I discovered that an S.O. had engaged in similar behavior (craiglist stuff) in the recent past (and didn't disclose it) I would break up with them because I don't want to worry about what might happen or what might have happened.

 

The fact that she was snooping is enough to dump her as she has demonstrated through her actions that she can not be trusted to respect your privacy and that, my friend, is something that never stops and only escalates.

 

Maybe she is better off without you but most definitely, you are better off without her in your life. Count your blessings. :)

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amaysngrace
My (ex)girlfriend snooped on my computer and found I had emailed craigslist casual encounters three times in one night two months before we met. I didn't follow through on any of them, but she dumped me anyway stating that she didn't want that kind of thing in her life. I'm trying to find perspective, and would welcome any insight. Thanks.

 

i think what she did was worse. she violated his boundaries within the relationship. he didn't. what he did was before they met. she would have had a leg to stand on and set some boundaries of her own, telling him she disapproves of this if he wants a future with her in it, but she couldn't do this. not after invading his privacy.

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jen_jen_heartbroken

She needs to find someone she can trust. Someone who isn't going to give her reasons to snoop. Perhaps he gave her a reason not to trust him. And obviously, he had.

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jen_jen_heartbroken
he didn't. what he did was before they met.

 

WHAT?!! So if he f***ed hookers before they met, then that would be okay? The only difference between having random sex with strangers you meet on the internet and f***ing hookers, is you have to pay the hooker.

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She needs to find someone she can trust. Someone who isn't going to give her reasons to snoop. Perhaps he gave her a reason not to trust him. And obviously, he had.

 

Do you see ANYTHING wrong with HER behavior? Goodness.

 

There are two kinds of people in the world: 1) the grateful, and 2) those who feel entitled. The entitled feel it is their privilege to snoop, and engage in other types of controlling behavior. These people are just work.

 

What if this girl snooped and found nothing? What then? She's now ruined a relationship because of her distrust and fear. Neither attractive, nor mature.

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WHAT?!! So if he f***ed hookers before they met, then that would be okay? The only difference between having random sex with strangers you meet on the internet and f***ing hookers, is you have to pay the hooker.

 

So, is meeting someone in a bar then bringing them home the equivalent of being with a hooker? If so, a very, very many of us are guilty of prostitution.

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amaysngrace
WHAT?!! So if he f***ed hookers before they met, then that would be okay? The only difference between having random sex with strangers you meet on the internet and f***ing hookers, is you have to pay the hooker.

 

jen, jen...he didn't follow through. he didn't be with any of them. and even if he had, she should require him to have a clean bill of health before she would be with him anyway. regardless of who he has been with. she, and all of us, should demand this from potential sexual partners. i hate to disagree with you but i really think she was wrong to snoop.

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