Steps back or steps forward?

[KittenMoon]

I broke NC last night (again) by writing my ex-bf an apology email about some things I said in prior letters about a female friend of his that I feel played a role in the degeneration of our relationship. It was just an apology, didn't ask for anything, didn't rehash anything, just said that I felt bad for saying some things with the attitude I did and that I hoped it he knew it came out of the devastated feelings I have been feeling.

 

Was this bad? I feel like it helped me a little.

 

I also decided that although I had said I would try to continue a friendship with this girl (its complex- she didn't actually do anything to break us up, but you know how someone's simple presence can cause problems that then snowball?) I realized I simply could not, knowing she could see him, talk to him, hang out with him, and do everything I am now denied. So, I am done with her.

 

Also, I decided to quit my web blog. I love it so much and it helps me get all my emotions out and has been an almost daily thing in my life for years now. But my ex does read it and I have decided that it's completely unfair for him to have a window into my life, not to mention letters I have written him since, and I have absolutely nothing. So now he can wonder what I am doing too.

 

Are these steps forward or steps back? Or both?

[kitten chick]

Nothing is bad if it helps you.

 

Instead of writing a blog, why not keep a journal? Or if you're dedicated to writing a web blog, start a new one under a new name and new host so that he won't be reading it maybe?

[KittenMoon]

I am. Actually, I've started a journal entirely to him. Every day I've been writing things I would like to tell him, whether they are angry, sad, annoyed, loving, etc.

 

One, it gets it out of my system, even if I need to repeat an idea a few times.

 

Two, I'll have a chronicle of my feelings over time in the event we ever get back together (I know I shouldn't be holding out hope, but this way I know I will have something to discuss and to help remember what went wrong instead of just my rose-colored glasses of the past).

 

As for losing my outlet for other daily feelings, well maybe it's time to rethink that strategy and try something new.

[kitten chick]

I was so proud of you until you got to number two. I don't know how long ago your breakup was, maybe you haven't hit the acceptance stage of grief yet, but if it hasn't been that long you will need to get to the point of accepting that it is indeed over. It's rare that couples get back together and even more rare that it sticks for more than a few months. Not saying it never happens, it's just very rare.

 

Your journal is great. Write when you feel you need to and don't feel that you have to. Write out whatever you have going on in your head as many times as you need to. Eventually you will get bored of writing (and thinking) the same thing over and over again.

[KittenMoon]

I know I haven't accepted it yet. It's only been a few weeks. But I'm not delusional either. The only reason I am thinking like that is that my ex-bf and I were each other's first loves, lovers, etc. At many points in our six-year relationship, we realized that we would probably have to break up someday and experience life w/o each other to see if this was really it, if we were really meant to be together for good. Better now than ten years into a marriage, right? Lo and behold, the break up has come to pass and it hurts more than I could have ever imagined. But I also see the weak spots in our relationship more clearly than ever. There's been a lot of external stress that contributed to this, on both sides, in addition to the personal issues.

 

We've gone practically cold turkey on each other after six years of closeness. It's never been perfect, but far more than most relationships I know (even the married ones!) Almost everyone who knew us is in shock at the situation. I want nothing more than a clean break. We're not dragging it out over months, like most long-term relationships might. If it's a clean break, then whatever feelings still exist can put away to either fade gracefully and without malice or to maintain themselves until the the day that maybe they can be reapproached. But I'm not stupid. This will probably never happen. If he wanted to come back to me tommorrow, I'd say no, as much as I might not want to.

 

But maybe we were the right people at the wrong time, y'know? And that's that.

[kitten chick]

I'm sorry for what you're going through Kittemoon. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and you know what you're doing. It's going to take time, plain and simple. You will get over him one day, it may seem like forever but it will happen.

[KittenMoon]

It's so hard when you miss someone so much. Even when you see all the problems which, sadly to say, are mostly on his end, even though he decided he wanted to end the relationship. I think the only problem we had that could not have been worked through was the curiousity about other people and the rest of the world. But that's a doozy.

 

In one of the letters I wrote him, which was breaking no contact but helped move closer to closure for me, I told him the door for him would always be there. It may not be open, but it would be there.

 

There was no cheating, no screaming, no backstabbing, no manipulation. Just a dimming of that "spark" along with the realization of a lot of individual personal issues, and a healthy dose of external stress.

 

So I consider the possibility of a second chance not completely unwarranted. If it had ended in hate and anger, maybe it would be easier for me right now, but then the door would really be shut and locked. y'know?

 

Life moves on, even when you don't want it to, but you really have no idea what the future will bring. Mr. Right may have walked away right now only to return someday, or maybe I will meet him tomorrow. Who knows?

[PRETTYBOI1982]

Oh gosh, I'm going through the same situation as you are right now, KittenMoon! Me and my girlfriend have been going on and off in this relationship. We've been together for two whole long years now and to be quite honest. I'd think it's me that's causing this whole issue which I have to faithfully admit. I could never be satisfied with what she is doing like going out, coming home late, going to her friend's birthday party and you know stuff like that.

 

Quite honestly, I am a very jealous guy and I was never like that before until now. I believe it all started when I was living with my brother-in-law during that time and getting too influence by the things he do towards my old sister. Well, he's not the first I take that back. It was my older cousin who I use to hang out with back in the younger days, he seems to get jealous over everything that his girlfriend do. It has to go his ways for him to be satisfied and then after him then comes my brother-in-law.

 

I don't want to be a typical kind of guy who alway gets jealousy over one little bitty thing and have to take it out on my girlfriend and restrict her from doing the things that she wants to do. True, it takes trusts in order for the relationship to stay alive and move on into the future coming years. So far, we have started going back out now and I'm taking the first necessary step on changing how my personality is and quite frankly I'm doing a good at it.

 

About you and your boyfriend, I'm sure he will think it over. Just give him some times and believe in him. Remember, if he's not meant to be with you then there's nothing you can do to change all that because that's not within your destiny to do so. Everything happens for a reason. Don't let the fact that his friends is causing you to break-up with him over your jealousy. I'd wish you the very best of all!