Shall I respond to him?

[Irish1]

My BF broke up with me Friday night. Together almost 3 years, I'm 46 and he's 29. Our problem was he never introduced me to his family or college friends, I felt he was embarrased of my/my age. We shared a large circle of other friends, of all ages. Fast forward: He emailed me this morning; on one hand saying it was the best years of his life, I'm great, compassionate, wonderful, etc. On othe other hand he also said he'll "probably" realize down the road he made a terrible mistake, he wants me for his good friend, wishes we could till hang out, loves me but not sure in "what capacity". I just don't know if I should respond or not. I think we both feel terrible I and I want to comfort him, but then think "whoa girl he's the one who left you". I don't want to play games either but my first priority is protecting my heart I think. Should I drop him a quick note i.e. thanks for your concern, I'll let you know when/if I can hang out with you again? He said he didn't expect me to respond and hopes his mssg. doesn't make things worse for me.

[jerbear]

First off, there is nothing wrong with the 46/29 age thing. There maybe life stages issue that HE is not ready for.

 

If you can't be friends or hang out because you are hurt or can't keep being a friend because of feelings; then don't. I told my older lady friend (10 yr diff) that I can't be friends with her because I have romantic feelings for her. Well it was true, if both parties are not on the same page then we have a problem.

 

Don't respond and let it sit. CLean out the place of anything with his scent, stuff, notes, etc... and put it in a box. Keep it somewhere else or send it back.

[Raven1845]

jerbear is right, there is nothing wrong with the age difference. Maturity lies in each individual, regardless of age. I was with a younger guy, too.

 

I wouldn't reply to his email. I'd wait and see what happens. Give him the gift of missing you, and maybe he will be able to figure out just what "capacity" he loves you in.

 

Chin up and hang in there!

 

Hugs,

Raven

[Rosalind]

Don't respond to any messages....and stop denying that the age-gap doesn't matter....you're both at different stages in your life - and he knows that.

[Raven1845]

Age does not matter. Though being at "different stages in life" can matter. I was 40 emotionally when I was only just 21 (and I'm still not 40). Everyone is different. Upbringing and experience play their roll in how mentally and emotionally old we are. But age wasn't the question, so . . .

 

Regardless, I wouldn't respond to a message like the one he sent you. Let him figure out exactly what he wants before you're willing to talk about it.

 

Hugs,

Raven

[Rosalind]

Let him figure out exactly what he wants before you're willing to talk about it.

 

I can tell you exactly what he wants - a girl closer to his own age.

 

Look at his actions - a guy is usually proud to show off his girl to family and friends.

 

P.S. I've been in your shoes

[Irish1]

to everyone. Even Rosalind! "I can tell you exactly what he wants - a girl closer to his own age." Ouch, I didn't really need that remark today. I wish I had left our ages out of it, it's not the issue. The issue, as Rosalind did point out it not meeting his friends/family. Without going too deep into everthing his father has been married 4 times; most recently for 10 years to a woman 15 years his junior. But I guess the age difference doesn't bother people when the male is older!

[Raven1845]

I guess the age difference doesn't bother people when the male is older!

 

Funny, I've noticed that in life, as well.

 

Sweetie, don't think about any comments about the age difference. There have been people who have had bad experiences with a relationship where there was an age difference, and it influences their opinion on all relationships with an age difference. I'm sure they mean nothing bad, and are probably only trying to help by sharing their own experiences.

 

To me, age doesn't matter. It's the maturity level that matters.

 

In your case, what matters is that he was not including you in his life with his friends and family.

 

I doubt very seriously his reasons have anything to do with your age. You were together "almost 3 years." He definitely was not embarrassed by the age difference. From my experience, most younger men are proud to be with older women. Older women are usually more confident, know what they want, and will not play games. To a mature younger man, this is a turn on, so let's leave your ages out of it.

 

Let's say you're both 25. He should STILL be including you in his life with friends and family, and he should also figure out just in what "capacity" he loves you before expecting you to have a conversation with him.

 

Don't answer him. You haven't heard the last from him. It may take awhile, but he will most likely contact you again. Use this time to sit back and evaluate the situation. Try to look at it as an outsider/third party.

 

Hugs to you,

Raven

[CaliGuy]

I can tell you exactly what he wants - a girl closer to his own age.

 

Look at his actions - a guy is usually proud to show off his girl to family and friends.

 

P.S. I've been in your shoes

 

I agree that age isn't always a factor but in this case by not introducing her to his family that's surely not a good sign.

 

If he has any inkling of starting a family he'll be more inclined to find someone his age. That's no knock on her at all.

 

However, when age gaps happen it's usually the man that is older, not the woman, if anything is to last. Men aren't under the same interal clocks that women are.

 

And I agree, you should let him go. I know it's hard but you must.

[SuperMonk]

LOL, age does matter. I wonder if these same guys in this very thread who are trying to be nice heroes saying "Ya girl, age is just a number"

 

I have nothing to say about that 16-17 year span the both of you had.

[Raven1845]

LOL, age does matter. I wonder if these same guys in this very thread who are trying to be nice heroes saying "Ya girl, age is just a number"

 

I have nothing to say about that 16-17 year span the both of you had.

I think her actual question is being missed here.

[Irish1]

Without mentioning my age and see what kind of response I get

Believe me I feel no better knowing he would have still dumped me even if I was his age. It's his loss.

 

And this is giving me some insight: he probably would get the same responses from his friends as I have gotten here, especially from the men.

 

Raven, I just wanted to say I've been viewing this website for a while and have noticed your posts, especially your cool "Raven" picture; they are my favorite bird/animal/totem whatever you want to call it. I'm going to go back catch up on your story too...thanks for all your posts.

[penkitten]

perhaps you should reply out of respect and just wish him luck and happiness and end it at that.

kill em with kindness honey.

 

then you just move on, and the next guy you date that doesnt introduce you to friends and family, dump!

 

honestly, we are all here for you.

[Raven1845]

Without mentioning my age and see what kind of response I get

Believe me I feel no better knowing he would have still dumped me even if I was his age. It's his loss.

 

And this is giving me some insight: he probably would get the same responses from his friends as I have gotten here, especially from the men.

 

Raven, I just wanted to say I've been viewing this website for a while and have noticed your posts, especially your cool "Raven" picture; they are my favorite bird/animal/totem whatever you want to call it. I'm going to go back catch up on your story too...thanks for all your posts.

 

Hi Irish

 

Thank you so much for the compliment on my avitar. I love Ravens, as well. "The Raven" by E.A. Poe is my favorite poem, and I can recite it in its entirety. (for no other reason that "just because").

 

I hope my reply to your post helped somewhat. I tried to give a genuine reply saying that the age thing shouldn't be an issue and rather wanted to try to help out on the "real issue." Hope it helped a little, at least.

 

Your absolutely right. All things aside . . . it's his loss.

 

Hugs to you,

Raven

[Sills2001]

I agree with rosalind, I had a similar problem dating someone 13 years older than me. Things were great, and I cared alot about her. But the future worried me being 60 and something happening to her and being alone for my last 20 years with just the pain of losing my love. So I realized it would be better if I just let her go and found someone my own age that we could venture through life together taking the same steps helping each other. Good Luck

[Irish1]

He just emailed and wants to take me out to dinner tonight; understands if I don't want to see him or have made other plans. Which I have! I'm actually sort of insulted...he doesn't have to take care of me, he dumped me! And I am sure this was for tonight only, he doesn't want to get back together just ease his conscience.

[Raven1845]

He just emailed and wants to take me out to dinner tonight; understands if I don't want to see him or have made other plans. Which I have! I'm actually sort of insulted...he doesn't have to take care of me, he dumped me! And I am sure this was for tonight only, he doesn't want to get back together just ease his conscience.

 

Good for you for having other plans!

 

I'm a little torn about how I see this, or just what advice to give.

 

Hmm . . . let's see . . . are you sure he doesn't want to get back together? Did he tell you this?

 

In your original post (OP), you mentioned that he told you that on one hand it was the best years of his life, but on the other . . . and this is the part I'm confusing . . . he said that he'll "probably" realize down the road he made a terrible mistake.

 

Before I can offer my confident opinion, can you tell me if he meant he'll realize he made a mistake in ending it with you, or did he mean he'll realize he made a mistake in staying in the relationship?

 

Hugs,

Raven

[Irish1]

This is what he wrote "I will probably realize down the road that I made a terrible mistake in letting you slip away"

 

My sister informed me last night that guys always say this when they break up with you so I'm trying not to read too much into it. Arrgh...family...well at least they don't hold back.

[Raven1845]

This is what he wrote "I will probably realize down the road that I made a terrible mistake in letting you slip away"

 

My sister informed me last night that guys always say this when they break up with you so I'm trying not to read too much into it. Arrgh...family...well at least they don't hold back.

 

I don't know a lot of what went on in your relationship, but I do know that he should have included you in his life with family and friends. Is it something that you discussed a lot? I noticed you were together for nearly 3 years. That's a pretty long time.

 

In my honest opinion, I think he may have meant what he said about one day realizing he "made a terrible mistake by letting you slip away."

 

The jerk . . . oops, I mean my ex . . . . . . never told me that, though I'm hoping someday he realizes he shouldn't have let me go. Only time will tell.

 

Did he mention what he wanted to talk about? Did he mention that he did or didn't want to get back together?

[Irish1]

He said "after all it's Valentine's day and no need to sit home solo" and said he also understood if I was not comfortable with it. So when I told him I had plans he replied that he'll be the one sitting home solo.

 

I think he just really wants my friendship back; he really likes me a lot but probably can't see marriage/family in the future so is trying to do The Right Thing.

 

Shoot, he just emailed me again...it sounds like HE is the one who got dumped, he can't eat, can't sleep, thought if he saw me in person it would help....one advantage I probably have is due to my "advanced years" I've been through this stuff before and know what works, and especially what doesn't. I just need to be selfish right now and think of myself first.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Ahhhhhhhh yes, age doesn't matter - until your guy is self-conscious about bringing his girlfriend (at whatever significantly different age) around his family.

 

Then, it may as well ring true, age matters.

[Irish1]

I was looking for advice on whether or not I should respond to his email, which numbered one when I started this thread and now are up to ten. I am not looking for advice on age-appropriate relationships, but hey thanks for your input SincereOnLineGuy.

 

We have decided to sit down and talk (in person, not by electronic means). We're not sure anything will come of it but agree we owe it to ourselves to try.

[Raven1845]

I was looking for advice on whether or not I should respond to his email, which numbered one when I started this thread and now are up to ten. I am not looking for advice on age-appropriate relationships, but hey thanks for your input SincereOnLineGuy.

 

We have decided to sit down and talk (in person, not by electronic means). We're not sure anything will come of it but agree we owe it to ourselves to try.

 

My gosh, the age thing is ridiculous! Don't worry about it, Irish. I understood your question.

 

Deciding to sit down and talk in person is a good idea. I hope it goes well!

 

Hugs,

Raven

[NatoPMT]

Hi Irish, age gap relationships rarely get a positive response on LS. Its true that many age gaps arent a good idea and the negativity is usually due to the fact that these relationships can cause issues. My feeling is that most relationships have issues and I get frustrated at the fact other issues seem to get advice as responses while older woman/younger men posts tend to get responses saying that its not going to work - personally id MUCH rather have my personal age gap relationship issues than the issues other people post on here. My partner is 10 yrs younger so I understand how these responses make you feel as I have posted before to get similar comments.

 

You’ve actually told us very little about the circumstances.

 

“I think he just really wants my friendship back; he really likes me a lot but probably can't see marriage/family in the future so is trying to do The Right Thing.”

 

Have you ever spoken to him about the future? And what were his feelings? What reasons did he give you for not introducing his family? Does he want children? Do you? Have you got children already?

 

The family situation is a red flag, it would be in any relationship. However you havent said what his response is when you ask him why he hasnt introduced you. And that said, I have been with my partner over 2 yrs and I have never introduced him to my father. I am a bit conscious of the fact my partner is only 24, and it HAS influenced why ive never introduced him to my father, but I do NOT intend to end things and its not that huge a deal, I am just not that close to dad. We are all making assumptions about your ex, but you don’t seem to know the facts and we certainly don’t. If he hasnt introduced you to his family because of your age, it still doesnt mean its really why he ended things.

 

My reaction is that if you dont know the answer to the above questions, or why hes not introduced you to his family, one of your major problems with him is communication.

 

Lastly:

 

You say you don’t want to discuss the age thing further, but you said yourself in your opening post:

 

“I felt he was embarrased of my/my age”

 

so it IS a bit of a deal to you. It’s a bit of a deal for me too. I am aware of the fact this could happen to me, but I absolutely know if we ended and my bf didn’t give me a reason, it wouldn’t be because of the age gap.

 

You need to find out more info from him and ask these questions - good luck!

 

BB