It won't stop hurting . . .

[Raven1845]

My previous thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t81298/

 

I'm not doing too good today. It comes and goes, but today it is really getting to me.

 

Why? Why won't it stop hurting? Why do I keep thinking of someone that treated me so badly?

 

This is someone who told me they prefer strippers to me. I'm a beautiful, sexy woman. I've been looking up pictures of all the strippers in our area, and I have not found one that I think is more attractive than I am. I'm sexy, they seem sleazy. Why would he prefer sleazy to sexy? (This isn't something I originally talked about, just one of the many things he use to say to try to get to me, and popped up in my mind).

 

I'm intelligent, I'm funny, I'm witty, I'm caring, I'm kind, I'm classy, I'm giving, I'm good-looking, I'm fit, I (hope at least) I'm good in bed . . . I just don't understand it. Or maybe I wasn't good enough in bed? He had told me I was lacking once and then said he was just kidding. He's an a**hole, but maybe he meant it? No one else ever complained though. I had always heard the opposite. Arrggh! Oh no, now I'm doubting myself. Not pretty enough, not good in bed enough, not "everything" enough.

 

How can he be feeling nothing? How can not ever seeing me again not bother him at all? How can I mean nothing?! How? How can I mean so little to someone who means so much?

 

How can he not want to contact me or fight for me? I've treated him so wonderfully. How can he not miss me at all?

 

Why do I care about him? He treated me horribly. I hate myself for caring for him.

 

I'm ranting . . . I'm sorry.

 

It's a bad day . . . thanks for just letting me type for a second. I'm going to cry myself to sleep now.

[Ruff Ryder]

Let him go and date me you sound like the ideal girl and if he cant appreciate you then find some one who will.

[Raven1845]

Let him go and date me you sound like the ideal girl and if he cant appreciate you then find some one who will.

Well, if that's you in the avatar photo, then I take this post as a BIG compliment. Thank you, Ruff Ryder, and thank you, as well, for your support.

[fooled]

He sounds like my ex - for whom no ONE person will ever be enough - no matter how amazing they are.

 

In addition to all of your qualities you listed - you also are a feeling, loving, compassionate person - someone any healthy man would be lucky to know and have in his life.

[Raven1845]

He sounds like my ex - for whom no ONE person will ever be enough - no matter how amazing they are.

 

In addition to all of your qualities you listed - you also are a feeling, loving, compassionate person - someone any healthy man would be lucky to know and have in his life.

 

I'm sorry to hear your ex was this way as well.

 

Thank you, Fooled. Gosh, another sweet post from another good-looking guy. My self-esteem is feeling a bit lifted!

 

Big hugs,

Raven

[fallenheart45]

Raven...

 

I know how you feel...its hard...real hard. I think its because we are used to "that" person....That is what makes it the hardest for us. Its all about attach ment issues..

[Ruff Ryder]

Yea thats me in the photo. And thank you for the compliment. All you must do is get your mind around all and any possiblities that exist out there. Once you have done that with the right application and thoughts and actions you will see that to be happy in EVERYTHING is easy far easier than you ever thought possible.

 

I study the human mind and the actions and thoughts that both people of huge success miatain as well as the avrage joe soap. There really are no big diffrecens except the one thinks I want to and the othe I'm going to.

 

That applies to everything in life including love and wealth. I mean Im in my 20's and have a great job I drive one of 4 lotus'es in South Africa have a great house but I failed in my realationship and now I know why and it wont happen again.

 

So just take some time out to focuse on your life anf goals and you will be a super star stay possitive no matter what ok???????

[Shattered Heart]

Raven -

 

Wow, I couldn't have written that better myself. It's amazing how every description of the way you view yourself, every thought you're fighting, every question you ask, and every feeling you're experiencing right now exactly matches my situation (the only exception me being a guy). It's been a little over three months since my girlfriend broke up with me, and other than feeling ever so slightly better, my heart still continues to ache like crazy. It just sucks to think that our exes are living their lives right now full of happiness without the slightest thought or realization of the traumatic effect they've had (and continue to have) on us...or even care for that matter. Who are these people? The people we once thought we knew? The people we never in a million years would have suspected could hurt us they way they have? At least I now know who the real, genuine, good-hearted people are. They are people like us, the ones who have given our all in the relationship and who were either taken for granted or just weren't appreciated. We already know all the love that we are capable of giving. It's finding the right person who is willing, able, and is appreciative of the love they will be receiving from us. Yes, it's also nice TO love somebody, but for me, it's more about making the other person experience all the love I have to offer them. I guess I'm just not selfish that way. Looking back, had I been a bit selfish in my relationship, I don't think I would be in nearly as much pain as I'm in right now. But, then again, I'll never know. Hang in there Raven. At this point, I can't tell you it gets any easier, but at least you know there are others in the same boat as you. Not that it helps with the pain you're going through, but it makes you aware of the fact that you're not alone. Breakups suck. No question. I'm 29, and in all those years, this is the worst pain I've had to endure. And to think that only ONE person is responsible for all this pain is mind-boggling. But if we can somehow put that into perspective, hopefully it will allow us to heal and eventually move on. I know it's easier said than done, since I'm the first one who must practice what I preach. But I know it will eventually get better. As hard as it may be now, we must maintain a positive outlook to get us through each passing day. And know this...we are much better people than our exes could ever be...even if they tried. But at least we know that we never have to try...it just comes naturally to us. Keep telling yourself that.

[Raven1845]

Gosh, are all the guys on this forum hot and sweet? I should have posted this under online dating.

 

But seriously, thank you all so much for your input. I know I don't know you, but just the fact that you're here and the posts that you've left . . . I think you are all very kind, compassionate, caring people, and the loss is most definitely your ex's. I am so very lucky to have found this site filled with such caring people. Thank you all so much.

 

Shattered Heart,

 

Thank you so much for sharing your story and your thoughts with me. It's amazing how similar we're feeling. Though I wish you were not feeling this kind of pain, I am glad I'm not alone. I'm am glad there are others that understand.

 

I screwed up and talked to my ex today. He tore out all the remaining pieces of any heart I had left in my chest.

 

I love him. He sarcastically asked if I did. I said, "no," out of pride, of course. He loud and clearly said, "RELIEF!" What kind of a person could do that to someone?

 

He also told me that regardless of all my attributes, he could find another just like me. That really hurt, too. He seems to think it's so easy to find someone wonderful; as if they're all just around the corner. A dime a dozen.

 

I just hope one day he realizes what he had. I hope he regrets it. And when he does, I hope I don't care.

 

Hang in there my fellow broken-hearts. We'll get through this. We'll get through this, because we're better.

 

Big hugs to all,

Raven

[Ruff Ryder]

Raven you really dont need to expose yourself to that kind of abuse. please just stay away from him. Keep true to you and having him in your life or even wasting energy thinking about him will just drag you back.

 

Stay focused and possitive and you will love again you will learn and grow life will give you waht you deserve so make sure you dont miss those opptunitys.

 

You seem to be a great talanted young lady so find someone who is worht your love and efforts. In fact NO dont go find him if he sees you he will know what your about so let them find you. its not everyday you find a lady like you so dont settle for anything less than the best for you.

 

Keep smiling babygirl its all good and will get better.

[whats wrong with me]

I've read through your different threads and it seems like you got "bad boy" syndrome. The more of a jerk they can be the more we want them. It's A-holes like him that keep Prozac on the market!!

 

If you do get over this anytime soon... post HOW you did. I still think about a jerk like that from a long time ago.

[Shattered Heart]

Raven,

 

Don't mention it. I'm happy to share my thoughts and feelings with others, especially to people like you who I most closely relate to. And it's funny you mentioned posting this under online dating, since I was never a big believer in that idea. But now I may have to reconsider because if it means meeting nice, pleasant, and decent people like you seem to be, then there's no doubt that online dating is an option I may want to explore. I've always had my doubts and suspicions about meeting people through an impersonal medium such as the internet. However, if I really think about, that's kind of how I met my ex, since my sister gave both me and my girlfriend one another's IM names and we actually broke the ice by chatting for three and a half hours the first night and three hours the following night. So, we actually had over six hours of getting to know each other before we actually met. She even went as far as saying that nobody has ever been able to hold her interest for so long. And hey, our relationship lasted over a year. If it wasn't for her unexplainable change of heart, we would've gotten married one day, since my love for her never died, but only grew stronger. I mean, okay, we ended up not together, but we had a very strong, solid, and serious relationship while it lasted. And now I'm convinced it could happen again, hopefully this time with better results. So, in a way, I guess there's something to be said about meeting someone online. And Raven, I have you to thank for making me realize this.

 

As for contacting your ex...DON'T! As you can see, he's a real scumbag who doesn't deserve you. Doesn't he realize the pain he's already caused you? And for him to devalue and deface you with his demeaning actions and words, like you're some piece of crap on the bottom of his shoe, is just plain despicable. As if he's Mr. Wonderful and you should bow down and kiss the ground he walks on? Ask yourself, is he really THAT great? Would somebody THAT great treat you the way he's treating you? Wouldn't you be happier knowing there are others out there who actually look forward to treating you the way you should be treated? With the utmost respect, kindness, and love? As far as this guy is concerned, I wouldn't give him the right time of day. Cut all ties and move on to bigger and BETTER things. Trust me, he's not worth your time and effort. Sure, he will always hold a special place in your heart, but for now, is he someone you could really see yourself living the rest of your life with? Contemplate that for awhile, and when you do, factor in all the better people who exist in this world. You may eventually come to realize that it actually sounds more appealing being with someone who more closely resembles your better self. Just for the record, girls like you are NOT a dime a dozen. If that were the case, I'd be long married by now. But my hunt is still on. I'm slowly beginning to realize that my ex didn't deserve me after all. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I'm way too good for her. She must have realized this herself and ended up opting for the other road...the path leading to unhappiness and misery. And don't worry, someday your ex will wake up and realize what he had with you. And if he doesn't, then you'll know the type of person he really is...someone who was never meant to be with you in the first place...for "his kind" is beneath all the good you possess.

[fooled]

I actually met my ex via IM. She was throwing a party and asked friends who she should invite that she hadn't - and they told her to contact me. We IMed for a week and it was incredible fun.

[Guest]

I just happend to be looking in my bookmarks and saw this site. It blew me away. The frist thing that came to my mind was, holy crap its been a year since Ive even looked at this site. A year ago I was in the same boat, broken up and depressed like many of other people that are posting here. I remember feeling hurt and thinking that IT WONT STOP HURTING... Now a year later I feel almost silly for feeling that way. It does stop hurting, maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow but it does. Everyday it will hurt alittle less but it will go away. By just taking a look around at the new threads I see nothing but new names but the same story, it wont stop hurting. What im trying to say is it will get better and when it does you'll look back and just laugh. All it takes is time... Time heals all wounds!

 

No matter how hard it gets just keep your head up and handle it.

[contradikt]

This thread has to be the single biggest collection of nonsensical and misguided crap I have read yet on LoveShack, so I thought I would add some crap of my own. Also, I am quite bored at the moment.

 

Please, if you read my post, read it again, think about it a bit, and then proceed to tear me a new one. My words are purely speculation and hypothetical and, yes, I am full of it. Anyway, let's do it.

 

I think all you people are missing the point entirely. You cannot heal without a real understanding of what has happened and of your involvement in the situation.

 

Turns out that almost everything that has been said here seems like the opposite to me. I know you guys are just trying to help, but just saying nice things is not the way.

 

Shatterred Heart:

I'm 29, and in all those years, this is the worst pain I've had to endure. And to think that only ONE person is responsible for all this pain is mind-boggling. But if we can somehow put that into perspective, hopefully it will allow us to heal and eventually move on.

 

ONE person? You were not involved at all? I have not read your story, but somehow I find this hard to believe. The pain? The pain is yours, created by you. Don't get mind-boggled, it really is a lot more simple than you are making it out to be. Think about why you are in pain. Put yourself in your ex's shoes, if you really can. Imagine you had to be dealing with someone who you did care about, but was obviously dragging you down. What is the best option? You are 29 and this is the worst yet? I think it is time you stopped playing the victim.

 

I think you are losing out if you choose to take on this perspective. I think you are taking the low, long and frequently travelled road to 'recovery' that does not guarantee full acceptance, understanding and PROGRESSION from the mind-set you have at the moment. I understand your pain. Break-ups are hard, they make you insane. Recognize that, and stop clinging to threads to make you feel better. You did this, and are continuing to do it, to yourself. Learn more about yourself. Self-awareness is key. This is where you were lacking in your relationship, and it will happen time and time again if you do not address it.

 

Just for the record, girls like you are NOT a dime a dozen. If that were the case, I'd be long married by now. But my hunt is still on. I'm slowly beginning to realize that my ex didn't deserve me after all. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I'm way too good for her. She must have realized this herself and ended up opting for the other road...the path leading to unhappiness and misery. And don't worry, someday your ex will wake up and realize what he had with you. And if he doesn't, then you'll know the type of person he really is...someone who was never meant to be with you in the first place...for "his kind" is beneath all the good you possess.

 

This advice is damaging, it will hold you back! Can you not see? DEAL with your problems. Don't trick yourself into believing this stuff. Your ex realised that YOU were too good for HER and decided to leave?!? The more you think the more you realise you are way too good for her? Get a grip and take some responsibility.

 

Deep down, both people involved know what they really had with the relationship. A dumper has a distinct advantage because, well, because they don't often end up on this forum . It is all about the layers of crap that you wrapped yourself up in as your relationship was going sour and the defense mechanisms you erected as you felt you were losing your mind because someone you claim to love has decided that they need something different. Love, what is it? It is hard to define, does it exist? It is easier to say what love is not. There is no love here.

 

And know this...we are much better people than our exes could ever be...even if they tried. But at least we know that we never have to try...it just comes naturally to us.

 

Friend, I don't even know how to begin to deal with this one. Look, I realise that I am being an ass, that you are just trying to be positive, blah blah blah. But, come on! This forum, as stated on the front page, ".... confront personal conflicts, promote participation in self-discovery and responsibility...". YOUR posts seem to centre around denial, misguiding yourself and other people, a 'there-there' it will all be OK approach when it really is NOT ok and will not be for a long time. Stop copping out.

 

What's wrong with me

I've read through your different threads and it seems like you got "bad boy" syndrome. The more of a jerk they can be the more we want them. It's A-holes like him that keep Prozac on the market!!

 

It's people that contribute half, if not more than, to so called "bad boy syndrome". The more of a jerk they can be the more women want to control them, the more power they give them. Wanting someone is not synonymous with needing to understand, and needing them to want you. Blah blah blah. You are enabling.

 

 

Ruff Ryder:

All you must do is get your mind around all and any possiblities that exist out there. Once you have done that with the right application and thoughts and actions you will see that to be happy in EVERYTHING is easy far easier than you ever thought possible.

 

ALL you must do? Damn mate, that sounds like a neverending, analytical journey into hell. I realise that you weren't thinking about what you were writing, because it really makes no sense at all. SIMPLIFY it, don't confuse matters, and most importantly, yourself.

 

That applies to everything in life including love and wealth. I mean Im in my 20's and have a great job I drive one of 4 lotus'es in South Africa have a great house but I failed in my realationship and now I know why and it wont happen again.

 

None of those material things really seemed to help you but, did they? How do you know that it won't happen again, because of the defense mechanisms you have in place? Because of all the study you have done of the human mind? You are fooling yourself bro. This is human nature. You will continue to fail in your relationships until you gain a better understanding of what you want from a relationship. It's a bit of a catch-22. OK, I just confused myself with this, maybe someone else can explain it.

 

Raven1845:

I think you are all very kind, compassionate, caring people, and the loss is most definitely your ex's.

 

This is what is annoying me about this thread. What evidence, exactly, have you got to base this on? How does creating denial help you to move on? We are all human beings, unpredictable, lost, insane... We all have our rights. The right to run away, to make our own choices.

 

I love him. He sarcastically asked if I did. I said, "no," out of pride, of course. He loud and clearly said, "RELIEF!" What kind of a person could do that to someone?

 

He said "RELIEF!", out of what, pride? To call your bluff? What did you want him to say? How can you love someone and be scared to say it? Fear, pride, insecurity, these are the evil emotions you are running on at the moment. What kind of person claims to love someone, and then goes about trying to trap them in their own problems? How can you hold it against him? Sure it is nasty, sure it would have hurt like hell, but what did you really expect? If you really think he is an evil person, why can't you get over it? It does not help. The problem is within you.

 

In summary

Co-dependency is a bitch, and it scares people away. Your ex may still care about you a great deal, but thinks the only way you will learn or grow as a person is to be harsh and upfront. Your ex may have his own defense mechanisms in place to ensure that he gets over this in the quickest and least damaging way for himself. Everything can be looked at in a different way. You can always feel sorry for your ex in a way.

 

Anyway, I trust that I have offended as many people as possible. I really could go on, and I definitely need to go back and edit some things because I found it hard to put my point across, but this has gotten out of hand.

 

I look forward to your replies.

[riobikini]

You do have some very good points but the following quote, taken from your post, is why some who post in these threads are thoroughly mistaken, in the first place.

 

contradikt: " I have not read your story,"

 

-Rio

[contradikt]

Hey, Riobikini, i love your posts. Your view on matters is always very insightful and educational.

 

Whilst I didn't do my research and find Shattered Heart's own thread, I did read all that he posted in this one. I didn't need to go further to infer that him suggesting that there is ONE person entirely responsible for all his pain was misguided.

 

Still, good point.

[Raven1845]

The problem is within you.

Though you've raised some interesting points, you have absolutely no idea what you're talking about in telling me the problem is within me. My ex is a player. He hurts women. He lured me in with sweetness. Lied. Cheated. Strung me along. I kept telling him that if he wanted to end things to just tell me. He preferred to string me along. I left. I'm hurt and sought out others who may understand.

 

It does not always take 2 to f*ck up a relationship. I am always the first to take blame, but I did NOTHING in this particular relationship to deserve the way he treated me. The only thing I am guilty of is allowing him to treat me the way he did. I take full responsibility for that, and I rectified my mistake by ending it.

 

You do not know my entire story. I'm not upset that he doesn't want me (he actually told me he still wants me . . . he just wants to f*ck other people until he's ready to marry me and let me be the mother of his children, and doesn't understand why I wouldn't allow this. And while he was on the phone being cruel to me, he had his buddies giggling in the background, which is one reason I said "no" to his question about me loving him. He even asked in a mean, sarcastic tone. I'm talking about a guy who sees a pretty woman and doesn't just look or say she's pretty. That would be okay. No, to sum up what kind of person he is, he says, "Ooo baby, I'd like to f*ck her.")

 

What I'm really upset about is how cruel he can be to another human being. Someone who has been good to him. I'm upset with him for not ending it and instead keeping me stringing along. I'm upset with him for being an uncaring, uncompassionate, redneck a$$. I'm upset with me for allowing all of it. Sounds to me you've dumped someone and have been ridiculed for it, so you decided to put your two cents in here.

 

As far as telling the people on this forum that they are kind and compassionate, yes, they are. I can only judge them by their caring words.

 

I ask that you please do not post anymore replies on my thread. I will ask the moderator or whomever I need to ask to have you removed from this particular thread if you do.

 

So, thanks, conta-DICK-t, but I came in here because I'm trying to get over one a**hole, I don't need to deal with another one.

[sandra]

Girl,

 

He's a loser!! I don't mean to be rude or whatever, but sometimes you need to not show your emotions to him, don't let him see how much you care for him and how much he's hurting you. Treat him like you can do without him. Try and make him a little jealous, and show him what he's missing. Then go out there and find yourself someone else. I know it hurts. I've been there. I think if were you, I would rest well knowing that he's regretted his actions. Find peace in the thought that there is someone out there who'd treat you exactly how you deserve to be treated.

Hope I kinda helped!!

[Raven1845]

Girl,

 

He's a loser!! I don't mean to be rude or whatever, but sometimes you need to not show your emotions to him, don't let him see how much you care for him and how much he's hurting you. Treat him like you can do without him. Try and make him a little jealous, and show him what he's missing. Then go out there and find yourself someone else. I know it hurts. I've been there. I think if were you, I would rest well knowing that he's regretted his actions. Find peace in the thought that there is someone out there who'd treat you exactly how you deserve to be treated.

Hope I kinda helped!!

 

Thank you, Sandra. A girlfriend of mine told me last night that my ex was always saying how perfect things were with me, and how much he needed someone like me in his life. She thinks he got scared because he's not ready. I'm from the north and am living in the south and I've noticed the guys are totally different. She told me that's just how the guys his age are down here. She told me he'd regret it, but he'd never let me know. I can't see how he couldn't regret it one day. He told her that none of the girls he's been with are like me, and I was good for him. He never told me that, so I don't know what's really true.

 

Thank you for your kind post. I appreciate your nice thoughts.

 

Hugs,

Raven

[contradikt]

Hey Raven1845,

 

You asked, nicely, for me to not reply. I was going to respect that, but I did want to offer my apologies, so I will take a gamble. If you choose to remove me from the thread, so be it.

 

I realise my post was arrogant and over the top. I guess if it did raise some interesting points, and if it did make you stronger in your convinction on how you feel and think about things, then it can't be all bad?? Right??

 

Oh, and I did get a really good laugh out of the contra-DICK-t thing, that was cool. The circumstance is actually that I have been dumped recently, am very angry about the whole thing, wanted to post some thoughts and was really looking forward to being told that I am wrong.

 

At any rate, I am sorry that I got so worked up and in turn got to you as well. It was not intended to be personal, more just opening up some debate. I was under the impression that you were after some different perspective.

 

Anyway, take care... Perhaps when I post my story you will do me the favour of ripping me apart, cause I would really appreciate it.

[fooled]

Dear lord, Raven - I was involved with the female version of your ex. Our stories are sooo similar.

[Raven1845]

Hey Raven1845,

 

You asked, nicely, for me to not reply. I was going to respect that, but I did want to offer my apologies, so I will take a gamble. If you choose to remove me from the thread, so be it.

 

I realise my post was arrogant and over the top. I guess if it did raise some interesting points, and if it did make you stronger in your convinction on how you feel and think about things, then it can't be all bad?? Right??

 

Oh, and I did get a really good laugh out of the contra-DICK-t thing, that was cool. The circumstance is actually that I have been dumped recently, am very angry about the whole thing, wanted to post some thoughts and was really looking forward to being told that I am wrong.

 

At any rate, I am sorry that I got so worked up and in turn got to you as well. It was not intended to be personal, more just opening up some debate. I was under the impression that you were after some different perspective.

 

Anyway, take care... Perhaps when I post my story you will do me the favour of ripping me apart, cause I would really appreciate it.

 

Contradikt,

 

Yes, I like different opinions and input, but yours was done in an insulting way. Thank you for realizing that and for coming back with an apology. I accept, and I truly appreciate it.

 

I'm glad you got a laugh out of contra-DICK-t. I liked that one myself.

 

Cheers,

Raven

[Raven1845]

Shattered Heart,

 

I meant to send you a BIG (((HUG!)))

 

[riobikini]

contradikt, Raven,

 

You are both good kids, -forgive the errors between you.

 

We've all pi*sed on the toilet rim a time or two.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio