NC and HARSH WORDS

[Ruff Ryder]

Hi All,

 

Everything is going well for me. Started NC but 100% on friday and then the messages started comming in. First they were "why you not talking to me" then voice messages "Please just let me know your ok" (crying her eyes out) then the "can me and the puppies come visit you tonight" and after not responding " So I take it we not welcome at your house" and "I want everything you owe me back"

 

The last one was a slap in the face seeing as she took everything I own including a car and TV and all the furniture fridge bed bedding the dog's.

 

Well anyways is this just a phase that will pass or what is the story with this girl? Is she going mad? I mean from the whole "I care please please talk to me" to "I want everything" What is she going on about?

 

I have re-built and really enjoying it have a new circle of friends and all that why now is she taking such an intreast in me again?

 

Thanks guys.

[Just Visiting]

Unfortunately, it's all about Control man. She sees that she doesn't have that control over you so she is kicking and screaming like a child who had their toy taken away. I would definitely ignore her childish antics.

[Ruff Ryder]

I agrree but the whole maybe she does care thing pops into ones head so it's confussing but at the smae token refreshng maybe I'm being harsh but she will see what life is like without me in it an I dont think that she can see it but Im happy again in myself and been on plenty dates and had a blast so maybe this is ment to be.

 

And she has lost all power over me. Normally at this staget I would be at her side saying " Im hear" "dont worry" "ill help your situwation out" Be giving her money and all that BUT NO MORE.

[CaliGuy]

Stick to it, RR. It will get better, I promise. Just don't falter.

[Ruff Ryder]

Caiguy I've read your stuff its great great great. Well I dont plan on giving up or in done loads of studing on humans ans thought power and process and I very strongly belive that Im stronger than her and mentaly stable and I can and Will overcome this and anything life can throw at me.

[CaliGuy]

There you go man. That's the kind of confident reply I expect

[Ruff Ryder]

Well here's a comment question or just something i'd like feed back on from anyone who reads this.

 

Is it the human mind that makes one do these things? Like my story she started off as being friendly in trying to contact me then that turned to pure despreation then to fustrarion then into demanding to pure spite.

 

I belive that human nature is always wanting what can be had and that in the situwation of NC the person that is on the other end of the stick goes throug all these diffrent thoughts and all these diffrent phases.

 

Is it right to assume that by NC she will realize what she had and hopefuly realize that by choices that both parties made will never have again?

 

Will it end? At what point does one stop dwelling in the past and move forward or even backwards?

 

The reason I ask is for a book I'm writing on human thoughs and nature. Just would like to know what other people think.

[beangirl46]

Ruff Ryder,

 

If you're doing so well (i.e. going on dates, having a great time, etc.) then you might spend a little energy helping the person on the other side of NC do well too.

 

Why are you so confused by her varying messages on the phone? You are not replying to her, so she is having a conversation with herself. You have left her to do that. The fact that she is calling you shows that she cares-- I don't know why you are so mystified by it. You are disrespecting her by not replying. Is that something you want to do?

 

-BeanGirl

[Amacada]

Ruff Ryder,

You are disrespecting her by not replying. Is that something you want to do?

 

-BeanGirl

 

I can see what you're saying, but at the same time I disagree.

 

Sometimes replying...even with a short reply, if one isn't strong enough, can open a dialogue that has the potential to set the 'dumpee' back in terms of healing.

 

He is hurting her, yes, but only to protect himself. That's the way I see it at least.

[CaliGuy]

Well here's a comment question or just something i'd like feed back on from anyone who reads this.

 

Is it the human mind that makes one do these things? Like my story she started off as being friendly in trying to contact me then that turned to pure despreation then to fustrarion then into demanding to pure spite.

 

Yes, it's called passive/aggresive behavior.

 

I belive that human nature is always wanting what can be had and that in the situwation of NC the person that is on the other end of the stick goes throug all these diffrent thoughts and all these diffrent phases.

 

She's being rejected and is pissed. You were strong and stuck to your guns. Maybe that's something she wasn't quite used to from you and it threw her for a loop. Women love a challenge and you're being one. But don't do it to get her back, do it because it's the right thing to do.

 

Is it right to assume that by NC she will realize what she had and hopefuly realize that by choices that both parties made will never have again?

 

She may be realizing that now, which is a side benefit of NC. The true test will be if she takes another break from contacting you then starts again. If her feelings change you will have control back from her and then you can decide of you want to revisit the relationship. Hopefully you'll be strong enough by then to resist.

 

Will it end? At what point does one stop dwelling in the past and move forward or even backwards?

 

When they decide to let go completely. Works for both sides.

[Ruff Ryder]

Well in order for me to answer that I would have to go into details of the story but rather than that let me rather go into details of the mind of my ex.

 

She is:

A cheater

A liar

An abuser

a depressive

 

but all that said she is a great person and she was the one that I wanted to marry we were engaged untill she cheated on me and it wasnt the first time I forgave her the first time. So my question is why should I (sound selfish) give her the pleasure of my time or company? Why should she have her cake and eat it why should I let her come back into my life after she destroyed it?

 

I have helped her out finacially in a huge way after the break up.

 

So what is it that she thinks I owe her? Why should I contact her? Is it her progative to claw her way back into my life or is it for reral this time?

 

I'm doing well but thats by a choice I made mentally to get on with my life. Isnt it time she does the same? If she is really sorry for everything that would be diffrent but should I put my personall belifes and success at risk to find out? Would that be balanced living?

[beangirl46]

You claim:

 

"She's being rejected and is pissed. You were strong and stuck to your guns. Maybe that's something she wasn't quite used to from you and it threw her for a loop. Women love a challenge and you're being one. But don't do it to get her back, do it because it's the right thing to do."

 

I disagree. She doesn't sound like a woman who is "loving" this challenge. She sounds like a woman who is hurting, plain and simple.

 

You speak in the language of game-playing and power. I think that in the face of someone hurting, those games should be put aside. Life is too short.

[CaliGuy]

You claim:

 

"She's being rejected and is pissed. You were strong and stuck to your guns. Maybe that's something she wasn't quite used to from you and it threw her for a loop. Women love a challenge and you're being one. But don't do it to get her back, do it because it's the right thing to do."

 

I disagree. She doesn't sound like a woman who is "loving" this challenge. She sounds like a woman who is hurting, plain and simple.

 

She rejected him. He decided to implement NC. Her reaction is one of a classic passive/aggressive personality. I could understand if he dumped her and implemented NC but in this case, she was the dumpee. Of course she doesn't love the challenge in the aspect you're thinking. This is out of character for him and she's confused. The fact he has been ignorning her and now all the sudden she's contacting him like crazy is what lead to my theory.

 

You speak in the language of game-playing and power. I think that in the face of someone hurting, those games should be put aside. Life is too short.

 

Do you know anything about NC?

[Ruff Ryder]

Well in order for me to answer that I would have to go into details of the story but rather than that let me rather go into details of the mind of my ex.

 

She is:

A cheater

A liar

An abuser

a depressive

 

but all that said she is a great person and she was the one that I wanted to marry we were engaged untill she cheated on me and it wasnt the first time I forgave her the first time. So my question is why should I (sound selfish) give her the pleasure of my time or company? Why should she have her cake and eat it why should I let her come back into my life after she destroyed it?

 

I have helped her out finacially in a huge way after the break up.

 

So what is it that she thinks I owe her? Why should I contact her? Is it her progative to claw her way back into my life or is it for reral this time?

 

I'm doing well but thats by a choice I made mentally to get on with my life. Isnt it time she does the same? If she is really sorry for everything that would be diffrent but should I put my personall belifes and success at risk to find out? Would that be balanced living?

[CaliGuy]

Well in order for me to answer that I would have to go into details of the story but rather than that let me rather go into details of the mind of my ex.

 

She is:

A cheater

A liar

An abuser

a depressive

 

but all that said she is a great person and she was the one that I wanted to marry we were engaged untill she cheated on me and it wasnt the first time I forgave her the first time. So my question is why should I (sound selfish) give her the pleasure of my time or company? Why should she have her cake and eat it why should I let her come back into my life after she destroyed it?

 

Short answer: Don't.

 

She doesn't deserve your time. You gave her your all and she rewarded you by breaking your heart. R*E*S*P*E*C*T yourself and don't give her the pleasure of your time.

 

You're not being selfish, you are taking care of yourself and tending to your needs. That's healthy and a sign of your confidence and self-esteem returning.

 

Good for you!

 

I have helped her out finacially in a huge way after the break up.

 

So what is it that she thinks I owe her? Why should I contact her? Is it her progative to claw her way back into my life or is it for reral this time?

 

You owe her nothing. Past behavior is a good indicator of future performance. If you want to have your heart ripped out again then contact her. But if you respect yourself you'll shut her out of your life completely. You will not be able to trust her completely again and that's no basis for a healthy relationship. Yes, she's regretting her past behavior now but she certainly wasn't showing her love and respect for you while she was boinking someone else.

 

I'm doing well but thats by a choice I made mentally to get on with my life. Isnt it time she does the same? If she is really sorry for everything that would be diffrent but should I put my personall belifes and success at risk to find out? Would that be balanced living?

 

Nope, it would not. Stick to NC and let her wallow in the mess she made for herself.

[blind_otter]

You shouldn't respond to her. But obviously, to me, she is a person who has issues and acted out in a way that had serious negative repurcussions in her personal life. She can either use this as motivation to become a better person who has dealt with their personal issues or she can continue to suffer. Talking to her would only allow her to continue this unhealthy pattern that she is living in.

 

IME, it doesn't matter if she's sorry for what she did. She probably is. That's beside the point. consequences, ya know.

 

some relationships really are worth risking everything for but what you describe doesn't sound like one of them.

[CaliGuy]

Exactly, BO. Tough love She needs to learn a lesson. If he were to take her back she'd never realize the consequences of her actions.

[Ruff Ryder]

Well the view still remains that in order for me to grow and learn from this I must take it in my stride. I dont regret it at all infact if I could do it all over again with the same result at the end I would. There was no question of love on my side I loved her and most likly still do but in order to advance in life one must let go and let go I have and will always do when it comes to her.

 

There are no real answers in this mess but I have assumed most possibilitys and have stuck to what I know best and that is to just not talk to her. Yes the pain will be there and yes its a touchy thing for everone to go threw and there are no winners only lossers but in order to lov again accept the fact that you have lost and appreciate the times your winning.

 

The human mind generates what we feel and what we think so grasp the fact that you can change at any given time what you belive and feel and you will see the view that Im comming from.

[beangirl46]

>>>>Her reaction is one of a classic passive/aggressive personality.

 

I don't get "passive/aggressive personality." That phrase seems overused, and seems a convenient label to use whenever someone is expressing hurt feelings and you don't want to deal with it.

 

>>>>This is out of character for him and she's confused.

 

It sounds to me more like she's panicked than "confused."

[climbergirl]

I may be reiterating what someone else has said, but she is trying to manipulate you by using every tactic to try to get a response out of you. It's killing her that you are not reacting, and this would make me believe that she has been the dominate one in the relationship thus far and uncomfortable now with not having the upper hand. And this may seem harsh to say, but I don't equate her overzealous need to communicate as an indicator that she truly cares or loves...........(however, she may--I won't pretend to know her).........but more of an indication of her personality.

 

Maybe her need to know you care overrides her wanting you to care.

 

Stay strong dude!! You deserve better.

[beangirl46]

Fair enough. Take care of yourself.

[Ruff Ryder]

Maybe I was the lees dominate one and that may have been the very dimise of the entire relantionship I can acept that and I know that it will never happen again.

 

She is a great girl but all the smae Im not risking it all again for it, maybe the chance that it could work woud be worth it but I'm not sure that I want it to happen right now.

 

I have no regrets about a damn thing and have made a decision that only time can tell if it is right. She is freaking out at the fact that Im no longer at her becon call and she is fearfull that this may vey be the last bit of me that she will ever have and know. Maybe Im being very harsh in what Im doing and maybe this will be the end for all time but thats something that I have thought about and Im prepared for and what the mind cant comprehend is not natrul so ill just leave it up to time and mother nature to work their magic and what ever the end result is I can and Will live with because I know that I can and I alway assure against the down side.

 

Life is what you make it not what it makes you.

[blind_otter]

>>>>Her reaction is one of a classic passive/aggressive personality.

 

I don't get "passive/aggressive personality." That phrase seems overused, and seems a convenient label to use whenever someone is expressing hurt feelings and you don't want to deal with it.

 

>>>>This is out of character for him and she's confused.

 

It sounds to me more like she's panicked than "confused."

 

It sounds like this situation struck a chord in you and your responses seem more personalized than directly addressing the OP's question. He wants to stay away from her. This may be helpful information.

 

Passive-aggressive behavior refers to passive, sometimes obstructionist resistance to authoritative instructions in interpersonal or occupational situations. Sometimes a method of dealing with stress or frustration, it results in the person attacking other people in subtle, indirect, and seemingly passive ways.

 

Someone who is passive-aggressive will typically not confront others directly about problems, but instead will attempt to undermine their confidence or their success through comments and actions which, if challenged, can be explained away innocently so as not to place blame on the passive-aggressive person.

 

Often passive-aggressive behavior manifests itself in individuals who view themselves as "peaceful". These individuals feel that expressing their anger through passive-aggressive behavior is morally favorable to direct confrontation.

 

The lack of repercussions resulting from passive-aggressive behavior can lead to an unchecked continual attack, albeit passive, on one's acquaintances.

[climbergirl]

 

I have no regrets about a damn thing and have made a decision that only time can tell if it is right.

 

 

I agree. IMO, unless you feel you are compromising your integrity, you are doing the right thing for yourself. Compromising yourself always comes back to bite you in the a@#!

[Ruff Ryder]

Well I strongly belive that the human mind is so stuck into conditiong of the world to what is right and what is wrong it is scary. It is the norm to expect xyz from people and give xyz in return.

 

I think that is a load of cr@p . Dr Phil "He has no right to throw you out" come on I mean if she is sleeping around and mistreating your kids you haver all the right in the world to throw her out. That is a mere example of how people live and there can be no life if you follow the norm make your life love and whatever you want by your own decisions and thoughts.

 

There is no law agaist thinking what you want beliving what you want and doing what you want within the constraints of law. So my decision is to mend a broken heart and live the life I've always wanted and true love wont get in the way of that.

 

Maybe its selfish maybe its wrong maybe people dont agree but if I listend to people and always did what the normal person does "conditioned" would I be living my life or theirs?