Long term girlfriend breaks up, and doesn't waste any time finding a replacement...

[Toji]

The following’s a bit of a ramble but I thought if I got some things off my chest I might feel better.

 

A girl I’ve been dating for the last two and a half years broke if off last Tuesday night (in a two minute “it’s over, have a nice life” phone call) after I confronted her about her acting distant, and she had a date planned for that weekend by the following day. I know she didn’t have it planned beforehand, because had she, she wouldn’t have waited for me to confront her before ending it (she did this once before about a year ago, about a half hour after someone expressed interest in her; she didn't hesitate then, she wouldn't have hesitated now). I have a feeling she was the aggressor.

 

Now she’s acting as though she’s infatuated with this mystery guy. Anyone in my situation with any common sense would have completely distanced themselves from her (which I now have), but for a while there it appeared as though I had none (I kept reading profiles on AIM, Xanga). She’s written about how “magical” the date was, how she’s no longer worried about all the “little things” like she was before, and how she’s going back to being “her” again. She acts like someone was holding a gun to her head the whole relationship.

 

She also appears to be smothering the guy already. When I first started dating her I almost ran away because she came on so strong. She confessed her love to me after only a month of knowing her. She’s the kind of person who weighs her entire self-worth through the eyes of others, so I guess it doesn’t surprise me that she’s jumped on to someone back so soon, but knowing that doesn’t make me feel any better.

 

I'm a firm believer we could have eventually been friends again (we weren't exactly hot and heavy toward the end; it had been three months due to circumstances of never having the opportunity to be alone). I did nothing but treat this girl with love and respect, and did everything in my power to help her. But considering the way she's treated me this last week you would have thought the exact opposite. I really hope when this guy's done having his way with her (if it hasn't happened already it'll probably take only one more of these "magical dates") and inevitably breaks her heart, she comes back to me looking for support, because I'll show her just how little I now care.

[Toji]

Oh, and we're both 21. We started dating right out of high school, went to the same college, and neither of us lived on campus.

[Toji]

You know, after all of that I pretty much forgot the point of posting. It's been a week and knowing that she's obviously moved on, I was thinking about doing the same.

 

I was thinking about asking out a girl that works at a pizza place on campus. I never got to know her but I went there so often she already had my soda poured before I even got to the register (even when I didn’t want one). I’m pretty sure she’d give me a shot.

 

But I'm wondering if it's too soon for me? I'm in a stage of constant ups and downs. Sometimes I feel like the split was a good thing (for me) and others I feel like I have a wound that just won't heal. But I'm also wondering if this might not be my fear of rejection coming into play, that I'm using the break up as an excuse not to try to get to know anyone new, just like I used dating my ex as a reason not to move out of my comfort zone. I'm not sure what to do.

[CaliGuy]

The right time for you is whenever you feel like it. It's good to get out there after a bit of grieving and such. You don't have to commit to anyone, just hang out and have fun.

 

You can't be afraid of rejection. Not everyone you meet is going to be great for you, so just date and have fun.

[Toji]

That's the thing, if I was sure it was the rejection I was fearing I go ahead and ask. I want to get to know some new people. But what if she says "sure" and I end up not acting like myself because I still have other things on my mind? Or maybe it's just want I need to get it off my mind?

 

 

 

 

 

Edit: Left out a word

[jerbear]

That's the thing, if I was sure it was the rejection I was fearing I go ahead and ask. I want to get to know some new people. But what if she says "sure" and I end up not acting like myself because I still have other things on my mind? Or maybe it's just want I need to get it off my mind?

 

Don't second guess yourself, just do it! I got rejected a few times, and once I was surprised when I ask an (future)ex to dinner, she said yes; it it off then found out I had another person on my mind. Relationship ended, I went to that person, expressed my feelings to her, got rejected; and even today no regrets. It helped get my personal house in order.

[PlentyLV007]

Every one is afraid of rejection but don't be...what does't kill you makes you stronger. Trust me, everything happens for a reason. The last guy I was seeing told me he didn't want to see me no more when he really did want to keep seeing me. When I asked him why did he tell me he didn't want to see me no more, he told me he thought I was going to break up with him so he wanted to beat me to it. He told me he doesn't do good with rejection.

 

Honestly it really did mess him up. He's confidence level dropped massively. To the point where he's only seeing someone right now because he feels he can't get anyone better. I mean....confidence is a big plus to one's self. You must first love and appreciate yourself above all other's first. Then once your good about you then move on....

 

When he rejected me...I knew what I've done wrong in that relationship and all I can do is fix it, and move on.

 

The great thing about dating is that each time with someone new, it's a new beginning!

[serial muse]

Yeah, one thing though...just be careful. If you're still up and down, you have the potential to hurt whoever you start dating next. I've been in your shoes, so I know what you're feeling.

 

You broke up a week ago. What's the rush? Is it just because your ex is dating already and you want to "show her"? Don't inadvertently hurt someone innocent when you're still sorting yourself out. I understand the temptation to move on with your life, and of course to show the ex that look, you've moved on too. But you're still spying on her AIM...you're not ready yet, IMHO. And that's not exactly fair to someone new who doesn't know what she's getting into, is it?

 

Just my 2 cents.

[BUTAFLY]

You know, after all of that I pretty much forgot the point of posting. It's been a week and knowing that she's obviously moved on, I was thinking about doing the same.

 

I was thinking about asking out a girl that works at a pizza place on campus. I never got to know her but I went there so often she already had my soda poured before I even got to the register (even when I didn’t want one). I’m pretty sure she’d give me a shot.

 

But I'm wondering if it's too soon for me? I'm in a stage of constant ups and downs. Sometimes I feel like the split was a good thing (for me) and others I feel like I have a wound that just won't heal. But I'm also wondering if this might not be my fear of rejection coming into play, that I'm using the break up as an excuse not to try to get to know anyone new, just like I used dating my ex as a reason not to move out of my comfort zone. I'm not sure what to do.

 

please don't go out there thinking your ready...get involved with some girl and then realize NOPE...not ready...that just spreads more heartache. Make sure your ready!

[Toji]

Yeah, one thing though...just be careful. If you're still up and down, you have the potential to hurt whoever you start dating next. I've been in your shoes, so I know what you're feeling.

 

You broke up a week ago. What's the rush? Is it just because your ex is dating already and you want to "show her"? Don't inadvertently hurt someone innocent when you're still sorting yourself out. I understand the temptation to move on with your life, and of course to show the ex that look, you've moved on too. But you're still spying on her AIM...you're not ready yet, IMHO. And that's not exactly fair to someone new who doesn't know what she's getting into, is it?

 

Just my 2 cents.

 

 

She's been on my s/n for the last two and a half years. She has a profile for all to see, and I read it. She wrote what she did assuming I'd read it (and it doesn't say much about my intellegence for actually doing it). When someone's been in your life for that long, and you still cared about them up until the day they ended it, it's hard to just turn it off and not care anymore. But I've come to the conclusion that knowing hurts more than wondering. She can do what she wants, and I won't be a part of it.

 

If I did start to see someone, I wouldn't flaunt it around like she has. It would be for me to know and no one else. So I don't believe my intensions are revengeful, or to show anyone up. I'm not even sure a relationship is what I'm after. Asking someone if they’d like to do something doesn’t mean anything will come of it.

 

But you're right, seeing someone when you're not ready does have the potential to end badly, which is exactly why I'm debating doing so. I'm aware that there may be consequences if I make the wrong decision.

[djrdei]

Toji, i am in a similar situation. My GF of 2 years broke it off with me about a month ago and she has been with some guy every night since then. I still have feelings for her, and she had said she has feelings for me and she wants to get back together, but just not right now. We both attend the same college, but she lives there while i commuted and this current semester i am not there at all because i am curently doing an internship this semester. I just need to give up on her and try to move on....since it looks like she has already

[Toji]

Yeah, I definitely wouldn't wait for her. She's wrong to give you false hope.

 

I'm glad my ex was clear that it's over for good, I just wish she wasn't so cold toward me for no apparent reason. This should have been a mutual break up where we could have remained friends. Honest to god, I did and did for this girl, she has no reason to be so cold.

 

I’ve realized something. I’m not upset because the relationship has ended, I’m upset because this girl is no longer going to be in my life. I don’t want to date her. Honestly, even when the romance happened, there was almost always a “is that it?” moment afterwards, even during the most passionate portions of our relationship. In other words, it sucked. Would I really want that for the rest of my life? Considering she’s the only girl I’ve ever been with, I don’t think so. Dates were pretty boring, same old same old, and we honestly didn't have much in common at all. How the hell did this last for so long anyway? I think it stems form the fact that we're both insecure people who needed someone.

[djrdei]

Toji, the more i look at the relationship i had the more i feel like you about it.

 

When her and i met, i just broke up with my other g/f and she became a friend to me quickly. At the time she was still in high school, i was a sophomore in college, and she was not well liked in high school and i was one of her only friends. She was hard to deal with sometimes before we dated but somehow i ended up dating her. Well once she started college we didnt see eachother as much since i still lived at home. I did my best to have time for her everytime i was at school, i went down every weekend to stay. Towards the end of our relationship things started getting rough. She didnt enjoy doing stuff with me anymore, and just relaxing on the couch watching tv was a huge problem for her. Around that same time my father ended up in the hospital and nearly died, and from then on out she said i was a different person, well, i know i was because my dad was diaganosed with a severe illness. So things just fell apart, we argued a lot, and she just told me one day that she needed her space.

 

Now it has been 3 weeks since i last seen her, and a week since we last talked on the phone....and when we did talk we argued about eachother being out. What really bothered me was on a Saturday night she called me at 3am cryin how much she missed me and all, so i figured maybe she was tired of being away from me and that she realized that i was great to her. Well the next day she was back to her story about we need space and she still loves me but we cant date right now. Well a few days later i find out that she called me that night after parting and she was drunk. That just really did it in for me because the girl i knew was not a partier and did not drink. Oh well, shes gone now, i still miss her and its just frustrating that she has found someone 3 weeks after leaving me and yet she wants me to believe she still has feelings for me.

[riobikini]

RE:

 

Toji: " I'll show her just how little I now care."

 

Now that all this is off your chest, you can forget about it, right?

 

" Live well. It is the greatest revenge."

-The Talmud

 

(Smile)

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[Toji]

Life is really strange sometimes. I just got done talking to my EX online for an hour and a half about her new boyfriend and how our relationship fell apart, and honestly, I feel pretty numb. Not a disgusted numbness, just one of not caring. Don’t get me wrong, I care about my EX very much, but for some reason her dating someone else doesn’t bother me like I think it should. As long as we keep in touch, I’m satisfied. If that's how I really feel, that's good news to me. I don't want to care anymore.

[Toji]

Ah, I was wrong and knew it was too good to be true. It does bother me she's dating someone already, especially the fact that she's hanging out with him at his empty apartment during the time we used to spend together. Yeah, that one really gets to me...

[Toji]

I really thought this was going to get better, that with each passing day the pain would slowly subside, but I have to say, it’s been four weeks now I’ve felt worse in the last week than I think I have all the preceding weeks combined. Nights have been terrible; I’ve become dependent on sleeping pills.

 

I’ve run into my ex several times over the past month, and she’s been exceedingly cold, not speaking, dirty looks. This girl who was so insecure, so fragile, looks down on me like an insect not worthily of her breath, all because some guy she thinks is wonderful has given her the time of day; it’s just perplexing. She’s spending every spare second with him, as though she’s in love. In four months the guy will be three hours away starting his new career, and with four years of pharmacy school remaining, how she believes this is going to work out is just beyond me. She’s no longer that girl I fell in love with.

 

I really didn’t have many friends before this happened, and I’ve been trying to get involved with some new people, but every time I try to have a good time I get bogged down with feelings of depression. I just don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I had feelings of depression before this happened (I have for a long time), and though I’ve been on anti-depressants in the past and don’t believe they've helped, I’m considering going back on them.

[batesal]

I’ve run into my ex several times over the past month, and she’s been exceedingly cold, not speaking, dirty looks. This girl who was so insecure, so fragile, looks down on me like an insect not worthily of her breath, all because some guy she thinks is wonderful has given her the time of day; it’s just perplexing. She’s spending every spare second with him, as though she’s in love.

 

 

I feel the same way you do man. My ex of 3 years, broke up with me and within 2 days was with someone else. what's worse than that? I caught them at my house. We had a ferret together (she raised for 4 years by herself) and it passed away last Thursday and she was soo cold to me. It really hurt my feelings that something we cared for together (like a child) she didn't want to say bye or anything. On top of that.. she has been so cold to me, like I don't exsist, and what sucks is that I live in the same complex as her. She tells me this and tells me that, but HAS YET TO ACT ON IT. For a month I was really hurt by her sudden change of heart, but you know I guess in both our cases, the GUY was the one that changed them. I know that my ex was NEVER like the way she was. She changed when she met the guy she is with. Is she in love with him? Hell if I know, but sometimes I feel that she is soo confused with what she wants that any guy that gives her a sweet look she will run to them to see what they have to offer. All I can tell you to do is leave her be. Don't call her or anything, because that is where they will be cold and hurtful. Give yourself sometime before you talk to her; if you talk to her now you WILL GET HURT. I know, she would always call me, and then treat me like s*** on the phone, then for a whole day I would think about her. She WILL hit rock bottom, and then will know that she lost something GOOD she had.

 

Sorry man

[Toji]

I haven't really tried to speak to her. The one time I did, online, about a week after it happen, she kind of freaked out on me; told me it was too weird and to give her space. All I had done was ask her how the O.C. was (her favorite show), though it turned out she was waiting to watch it with her new boyfriend the next day. She's spoken to me a few times, though she always seemed to have a reason (my mother was in a car accident, and she always liked my mother, so she’d ask about her). Only once did the new boyfriend not come up.

 

The funny thing is, she's yet to recognize him as her boyfriend (on Facebook; yeah, stupid, I know). As far as I know they've spent every weekend together since we broke up (and some time just about every other day), and knowing her, and trust me I know this girl like the back of my hand, it they were officially together she'd declare it as so. I don't know what the deal is with that. Something tells me it’s not as perfect as she lets on.

[batesal]

I understand what you are saying. My ex has not recongized the guy she is seeing as her boyfriend. I beleive I know why. If they (meaning your ex and my ex) care a little about us, they are not going to. Why. Becuase they don't want you to beleive that they broke up with us to date those people. They KNOW that we are looking at their profiles and spying on them in a way that makes them feel good about themseleves, so when we go and see that they are claiming that they are snigle when they aren't they WANT us to personally ask them, then your heart is hurting again, because you wanted to know the turth.

 

The point is, you have to accept what she is doing, and if you guys talk she wants to you ask her questions about her life to make her not want to talk to you. I know this cause I did it. I called her and asked all kinds of questions, then from the help of LS, I was able to quit and I have good days and I have bad days. You will have those for a while. When you have a bad day though, you have to talk to someone else other than your ex, cause she doesn't care right now. You would want your feelings dragged through the mud again. Trust me, when you have a bad day, go talk to a friend or family member, read a book, do something other than call your ex, cause she will make your bad day turn into a HORRIBLY BAD DAY.

 

In time, once you have healed, you can call her and talk to her again, but snice your emotions are so high you can't do that right now. I am sorry man, we are both going through alot, I say us, because when you thought everything was OK, it wasn't and you tried to figure out why, and it only made things worse. But KEEP YOUR HEAD HIGH AND FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF. Only then will you win the war of emotion and feelings.

[Toji]

Thanks Batesal, it really is nice to know you're not the only one going through a hard situation.

 

This girl really was my whole world, my everything. It shouldn't have been like that, but it was. She could only allow herself to be happy with me when not faced with temptation, but as soon as she was, she made herself miserable, which of course, she blamed me for.

 

I'm not exactly spying on her, not like I was in the beginning. She keeps an online journal, which I refuse to read. I don't have her blocked, but I've deleted her off my IM. I got tired of reading what she was doing with "a certain someone *wink*" (she could never just come out and say his name for some reason). Of course all of this makes her feel great. When I met her she was a desperate girl, no one had looked her way for a long time. The guy who she had recently been interested in had blown her off. She was asking me on the dates before I could ask her! And now, here she has two guys that want(ed) her, and I know she loves it. What makes even better for her is it's a guy she's thought was "hot" for the last 2 years! Who cares if it has zero chance of lasting, let's throw everything away for a couple-month fling!

 

We both commute to college and have our schedules set up so we could park off campus and ride the bus in together every morning, and I've ended up on the same bus as her every morning this week. We don't speak, don’t even look at one another. It's like we're complete strangers. Of course I look over at her once in a while, but she just keeps her eyes diverted. I don't know if it's disgust or guilt, either way it’s a real shame. There will only be one more week of that, and then I’ll probably never see her again as she’ll be on a different end of campus next quarter. It’s for the better, as this ignoring crap has really pissed me off.

 

I actually tried asking someone out recently, but it didn’t end well. Living at home and going to a big university, it’s tough to get to know people when your classes all have a few hundred people in them.

[batesal]

When I met her she was a desperate girl, no one had looked her way for a long time.

 

That was the same thing with my ex. When I met her she LOOKED depressed and sad like the whole world had ended. Next thing I know she is all over me and wants our friendship to go to the next level. It was soo fast I was very suprised. Now it's like I don't even exisit. Like you, I live across a courtyard to my ex, in the same apartment complex, so she can spy on me anytime she wants and I can't say anything.

 

What sucks is that in a way I still care about her, but I want her to change her ways. During our relationship, she never acted the way she is to me now. Also the fact that she doesn't care about anything that has to do with me. But remember what I told you. THEY WILL HIT ROCK BOTTOM, and want back in. It's our decision to take them back or hit the road. In my situation, I don't think I would take my ex back immediatlely cause I would not trust her.

 

This girl really was my whole world, my everything. It shouldn't have been like that, but it was. She could only allow herself to be happy with me when not faced with temptation, but as soon as she was, she made herself miserable, which of course, she blamed me for.

 

Yeah I was the same way. I was into her and she was all into me. She was turned on by almost anything I did. I went all out for her. Bought her things, talked to her like she was my wife, everything, then she was all of a sudden miserable (as you put it) and said that it was my fault (at the end). But you know what? NOTHING WAS MY FAULT. Well maybe small stuff, to her was HUGE STUFF. Her actions and the way she treated me, and yelled at me and everything else, was GUILT. Plain and simple. She had no one else to blame, so I'll blame him. I have to tell myself NO. I know that you did nothing wrong too, she wanted you to think you did, or the smallest things that you did do wrong pissed her off, but that in the long run is GUILT.

 

Like you I have been through alot. Ever snice an animal that we both raised passed away. I have been in NC with her. Today is a week. I have a good days and horrible days, and we have been broken up snice Jan 9.. but as EVERYONE on LS says talking to your EX, is never a good thing at first, but later on. I know that she wants to talk to me, but she is of course either staying busy or afraid to talk to me. I dunno, and I don't want to know. I have figured out how to move on without her.

 

Toji, things WILL get better, but as mom's and grandmom's says TIME HEALS BROKEN HEARTS. (IT does, just doesn't feel like it right now).

[djrdei]

batesal

toji

 

Your last 2 posts sound exactly what is going on with me and my ex right now. We are both from the same hometown and now wew both attend the same college but she stays there and i commute. We broke up in december and its been crappy for me ever since.

 

The other day she called and yelled at me because i didnt call her on her birthday. She told me then to never expect to talk to her again so i havent. A few days ago she leaves me a message on myspace saying, i can not go on without talking to you. Sofar she hasnt made an attemp to talk to me and i havent tried to talk to her.

 

It just all sucks.

[batesal]

THEY WILL HIT ROCK BOTTOM, and want back in. It's our decision to take them back or hit the road. In my situation, I don't think I would take my ex back immediatlely cause I would not trust her.

 

Well this happened to me yesterday. I was on my way out the door to work on some stuff, and my ex calls. The 1st time I didn't want to talk to her because of. Then I had forgot that I had a ported number, so she would find out what my new number was. So I picked up the second time, and tried to play it off like I was still sleep. When I answered was had been crying (ALOT) and I said to her "what's wrong, if you can't tell me then I am not talking to you." She began to tell me that the guy that she had been seeing snice we broke up is upset at her, because of something that she did. I asked her what it was that she did, and she told me that she was kinda upset that he got a promotion at work and that he would 3 weeks out of every month, and I asked her, so are you OK with the fact that he is going to be gone 15 days out of the month, and she said she didn't know. I said to her that she needs to decide what she wants, not by her head, but by her heart, and she told me that she had screwed the relationship up with me, and knows that she can't fix that, I told her she could fix her future. I also told her that she needs to be happy for herself and not for other people. She confessed alot of stuff to me and I forgave her, but not about my ferrets death. I will NEVER forgive her. I asked her why she is soo upset about this whole thing and she told me because she understands how it feels to be on your own and not to have someone to talk to. Now snice she has closed the door on all her friends, she had no one to talk to but me. It may be against all the LS polices and everything, but I am a caring person and I hate to see people hurt. I don't want my ex to hurt, I want her to be happy.

 

 

 

You know I cried for a month, and did some really bad things in the process, but I have learned how to move on. NOW she is hurting becuase she is afraid of being alone. You know when you have been hurt, it hurts, but when someone causes you to be hurt, and that person is hurting, sometimes it makes you feel good, sometimes it makes you feel really bad. I dunno part of me was laughing at her for what she put me through, and now she is going through it, and part of me was worried about her. I don't care for her like I used to but I DO want her to be happy.

 

Remeber this: NC is a good thing, but it is NOT USED TO GET SOMEONE BACK.. THEY WILL CALL IF THEY STILL CARE ABOUT YOU. YOU HAVE TO EITHER ACCEPT IT OR MOVE ON. YOU CANNOT HAVE NC AND SIT AROUND WAITING FOR HER TO CALL. YOU WILL MAKE YOURSELF SICK..

[Toji]

Wow, sometimes I wonder if we dated the same person. So many parallels. You've mentioned the ferret you both had, and it's funny because I got a ferret the week my ex and I first got together. My ex never cared for her though, she said the she smelled too bad.

 

About the no contact, it's weird, because other times when she's tried to break it off with me she's never been able to stop talking/calling. But it's the complete opposite this time, she just couldn't seem to care less about whether I exist or not.

 

You're right though, there's no doubt in my mind she will hit rock bottom. Too many things are against her as it is. Even if she stays with this guy until he leaves, there's just no way it could possibly work out. He'll be three hours away, starting his new adult life. Yeah, over the summer she may be able to get off work for a day or two to go see him, but she has to pay for a good portion of her tuition and can't afford not to work. She still has four more years of pharmacy school left, does she think he’s going to wait around for her? Unless he completely rearranges his life, which I don't see happening, it's not going to last long. Something tells me he'll keep her around until the time comes, and then use the fact that he is moving as a reason to break it off. Whether she'll contact me then, I don't know, nor do I know if by then I'll even care. Hell, I don’t know if I could forgive her if she begged for me back tomorrow.

 

In the meantime I’m doing my damnest to move on and not look back. It just doesn’t seem to be working. I have no reason to believe she’ll ever call me, so there’s no reason to wait by the phone.