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Take a look at this e-mail she sent me!!!


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HI guys/gals

 

 

Look at this... my ex sent it to me..... makes no sense to me and I think it screams commitment issues. How do you deal with that????

She is in grad school in Florida and I am in Ohio....

 

I got your letter a couple of days ago. Honestly, I don't know where to start. That's why I haven't got back to you.

First, I could tell you put a tremendous amount of thought and effort into it. I have never met anyone who can treat me like you can. I am also glad to hear you have spent so much time doing some personal reflection. You know, I am always an advocate for self-awareness. In reading your letter I also came to a discovery. Not exactly about you, but about myself. Everything you said was relevant, made sense, and felt good to hear. But even after all of that, I found that the idea of being in a relationship again was not at all appealing. It isn't you, and never really was. I just feel right now that a commitment of any sort isn't what I need. As soon as I start thinking about what a relationship entails, I cringe. I don't want to complicate my life right now. I have so much responsiblity this semester that I feel it wouldn't be fair to devote myself to anyone but my dog. It just isn't a good time. I also think you should to continue to find out who you truely are without my influence. I want to still talk and be friends but I need something right now that doesn't involve a commitment.

 

 

What does that mean... Does it not scream commitment problems... We have been broken up for like a month what to do in this situation??? Any ideas??

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Why does she break my heart with this kind of e-mail.... "The thought of a relationship makes me cringe" OUCH I treated her like gold and she made me fly down to Florida every weekend for like 3 months and I did it out of love. I am over her but this e-mail has thrown me for a 180 !!!!!!!!!!!

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.....I hope she and the dog will be very happy together....wish I knew what else to tell you, bro....at least you have an answer, which is more than most of us have at the moment....:(

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It means exactly what it says .. That you are not the one for her..

 

It means that she read your letter and she wishes you well..

 

as far a commitment issue.. The letter doesn't scream that.. you 2 are young and these type of spreading your wings type of feelings are normal..

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I have to agree with A_C that you aren't the one for her and she is telling you in a nice way.. Telling you she doesn't want to be with you right now and it is too complicated ..Sounds to me she is having interest of another or wanting to pursue someone else.. Move on and if it is meant to be then it will if not than it never was!!!

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ReluctantRomeo

I agree with previous comments. I think she really loves you, but it is just a bad time for a relationship right now. It doesn't have to be commitment phobia. It could be this or it could just be pressure of work and time to sort her head out. Notice btw that she goes out of her way to acknowledge and appreciate you.

 

Of course, it's possible that everything she says is a heap of sh*t and that she already has her eye on someone else. But the chances are she is really thinking and feeling what she says.

 

Question is: what do you want? Do you want this limited friendship or nothing?

 

In your shoes, I'd say something along the lines "thanks for the sweet note. I hope we can be friends again one day, but for the time being you'll understand that I need time away from you to process this". Then, don't contact her again for a couple of months - get on with your life.

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Here are my two cents worth. First off, I don't buy her claim that she she is too busy to make a committment. Wasn't she busy before? Of course she was. In my experience, when people say things like that -- and I have been on both sides of this before -- what they usually mean is that they don't want a committment with you. I told someone once that I was not ready for a serious relationship, and then not one month later I met someone who swept me off my feet. Needless to say, I no longer cared about how busy I was -- I made time for him, and, when I saw that he was doing the same, I easily made a committment.

 

Now, why do you think your ex is having trouble committing to you? Attraction is a strange thing, no doubt about it. But I suspect that your ex felt attraction for you initially or else she would not have dated you for 3 months. So what changed in that time? Maybe you're just an awful person, or maybe she is, or maybe you're just not compatible. All of this could be at play. But I suspect the real key lies in this statement of yours:

 

I treated her like gold and she made me fly down to Florida every weekend for like 3 months and I did it out of love.

 

Have you ever thought that most women (and most men) don't geniunely want to be treated like gold, especially in the beginning of a relationship? For instance, if I were dating someone who did everything for me and did not demand that I do things for him, I would think that person was desperate -- desperate and unattractive. However, if that person made me work -- if they made it clear this relationship was going to be a two-way street -- if they sometimes made me wonder about their feelings -- well then there would be mystery, challenge, and excitement in the relationship. And the truth is that most of us want these things. We enjoy the drama of romance and, when it is no longer there, we quickly lose interest unless the relationship has progressed to a deeper level (not likely after 3 months).

 

I bet that this is what was lacking in your relationship and why she lost interest: from her perspective, there was no mystery, no challenge, no drama.

 

So what do you do? You can't undo the past, and now is no time for games either. Now is the time to have NC period. Just do it. Move on. Work out. Write your feelings down in a journal or in letters or emails that you never send. After a while, she may wonder about you and get in touch -- or she may not. Either way, try to become the sort of man that would attract her -- and maybe one day she will see that and be attracted. But if not, you can bet someone else will. That's the beauty of NC. It gives you a chance to restore your dignity and self-respect, and so it "works" even if does not lead to a reconciliation.

 

(BTW, I think it's important to keep in mind that being a mystery and a challenge in a relationship is not a game. Rather, it is a protective mechanism that will help you not to fall too quickly for someone just like your ex and then get hurt.)

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PS: I would not write her an email saying you need time to "process." All that will do is stroke her ego and make you look like a wuss. It will also make it less likely she'll contact you in the future, thus leaving you with that burden.

 

What I would do is, after a day or two, write her an email that agrees with everything she said. Something like:

 

Hey I got your email and I have to say that I think you are right. You probably are too busy for a relationship with me right now, and I probably need to find someone who is a little more ready to date, do crazy things together, see where it all goes.

 

Well you're a great person, and I wish you all the best.

 

Take care,

 

XXX

 

Why this? Because it communicates that you not only want an exciting relationship -- and hence not one burdened by someone who is just too busy, blah, blah, blah -- but also that you are going to go out and get it. You thus sound confident and mysterious rather than like the wuss who would fly to Florida every weekend because she "made" you. Another thing I like about this approach is that you would mention "crazy things," but never tell her what you have in mind. My guess is that this would pique her interest. I know it would mine. At the same time, however, nothing about it makes you sound vindictive or ugly or desperate. You wish her the best, and you leave open the possibility that she may one day change her mind while subtly suggesting that she had better hurry up before it's too late.

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This sounds like closure to me, a summary, I don't think she has commitment issues, but I think shes not ready for commitment at this stage in her life. As she says, shes got huge responsiblity this semester and she is prioritising this. Sorry I can't be more help, but it really does say it all.

Regards,

Steve.

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Coming from a similar situation, yes I do believe it screams committment problems. I can understand about not wanting to have to report to anyone or anything - hell, my ex even gave up her dog because she couldn't commit to him - let alone me. My ex also said that it had absolutely nothing to do with me, and I needed to get that through my head. From her e-mail, she seems sincere in that she does have feelings for you. You can't help but respect her honesty with you. (as hard as that is) Has she ever lied to you in the past about feelings? If not, I'd take it for face value. She didn't have to respond and even moreso, she didn't have to make it so heartfelt. Is she in any kind of therapy? I only ask this because she mentioned that she's an advocate of self-awareness. You may very well be the one, but if she isn't ready, you can't make her be. You need to give her space. Being friends may be a possiblity in the future, but not now...no way. I do agree that one should figure themselves out on their own without any other influence. So many people lose who they are in relationships. Figuring out on your own who you are will help you keep in touch with you...the person she initially fell in love with. I don't know if she was in a relationship before you nor do I know how long you 2 were together (sorry, I didn't have time to read any other threads) but if she was, she may very well have lost herself in the past relationship and needs to find out who she is. You need to work on you - keep doing what you're doing.

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Hey I got your email and I have to say that I think you are right. You probably are too busy for a relationship with me right now, and I probably need to find someone who is a little more ready to date, do crazy things together, see where it all goes.

 

Well you're a great person, and I wish you all the best.

 

Take care,

 

XXX

 

QUOTE]

 

totally agree, nice one:) :cool:

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before she moved to Florida... once she got down there it was like she seemed to busy for me... I t makes no sense.. it has been a month since we broke up and I got thaqt e-mai la couple days ago

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She is in therapy and has been since she moved down there... It is like she has no time for me... But what do I do??? I love her and still do but I want to be ain a realtionship... I know that douns bad but I don't want to wait around and see something bad happen... I mean should I wait for something that might never come back on the chance that it might???

 

How do I reply to this e-mail.... I don't know what to say? Please help me out

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what i feel is that when a woman truly cares for someone, no amount of work/school/life will stop them from committing to a good relationship. and that classic line "its not you, its me" is the oldest line in the book used by someone to let someone down easily. i think shes trying to give you closure with her email but ended up confusing you more.

 

id reply and tell her that shes right. that you two do need to work on oneselves but in doing that you will not be able to have any contact with her.

 

I also think you should to continue to find out who you truely are without my influence.

 

maybe she feels that you have been only living for her and not been living your own life. thats a sure turnoff for women as i've learned from my own situation. email her...go NC and really work on yourself. then maybe a few months down the line, she may come around after she starts sensing your changes. maybe not. but this will probably give you the best chances.

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ReluctantRomeo
What I would do is, after a day or two, write her an email that agrees with everything she said. Something like:

 

Hey I got your email and I have to say that I think you are right. You probably are too busy for a relationship with me right now, and I probably need to find someone who is a little more ready to date, do crazy things together, see where it all goes.

 

Well you're a great person, and I wish you all the best.

 

Take care,

 

XXX

 

jd, your email is a little less transparent than mine, but way better.

 

Good job! :cool:

 

I'd go with this kjo....

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Everyone talks about her "sensing" changes.... but how can she sense those changes if you in no contact???

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Also isn't that e-mail a litte jerkish... I still want to be friends with her because she is a great person... however... I need time to lose my feelings fro her (which I can feel leaving) and also to prepare myself for any one else that might come along.

 

I guess I am also afraid of hurting her... I hate doing that to people.

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ReluctantRomeo
Also isn't that e-mail a litte jerkish...

 

I guess I am also afraid of hurting her... I hate doing that to people.

 

Since when did agreeing with her make you a jerk?

 

And if you think this is hurtful, this is way beyond empathy and into wussy territory IMHO.

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PS: I would not write her an email saying you need time to "process." All that will do is stroke her ego and make you look like a wuss. It will also make it less likely she'll contact you in the future, thus leaving you with that burden.

 

What I would do is, after a day or two, write her an email that agrees with everything she said. Something like:

 

Hey I got your email and I have to say that I think you are right. You probably are too busy for a relationship with me right now, and I probably need to find someone who is a little more ready to date, do crazy things together, see where it all goes.

 

Well you're a great person, and I wish you all the best.

 

Take care,

 

XXX

 

Why this? Because it communicates that you not only want an exciting relationship -- and hence not one burdened by someone who is just too busy, blah, blah, blah -- but also that you are going to go out and get it. You thus sound confident and mysterious rather than like the wuss who would fly to Florida every weekend because she "made" you. Another thing I like about this approach is that you would mention "crazy things," but never tell her what you have in mind. My guess is that this would pique her interest. I know it would mine. At the same time, however, nothing about it makes you sound vindictive or ugly or desperate. You wish her the best, and you leave open the possibility that she may one day change her mind while subtly suggesting that she had better hurry up before it's too late.

 

I completely agree with this.

 

I'm a woman and if I say some of the things she did, it means i'm not feeling the attraction i want to feel for a guy, yet i want to be respectful and i don't want to hurt his feelings because i do think he's a great person.

 

OTOH if a guy shows this kind of independence by writing me a note like this, he instantly becomes alot more interesting. you could awaken feelings of attraction that has become dormant in her by you being too 'nice'. I would send this and then wait a few months and if she hasn't found an excuse to contact you in that time then she's either found someone else or she really doesn't want to be in relationship now and was telling the truth. I wouldn't suck right back up to her either if she does contact you. let her do the work for awhile.

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I sen that e-mail... I don't know what to expect back from it... I don't care to be quite honest with you... I don't know....

 

 

I jsut kinda feel blah right now... not good not bad.... single i guess... but I don't want to be... I can live life right now like this and be happy but not totally happy.

 

I guess I just want to find someone who will make me happy and who will aprreciate how much i will do for them... though I am always nervous around girls.

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hey cheer up. you sound like a great guy so don't sit at home, go out and meet other girls like you told her you would. lots of girls are dying to meet a guy like you. don't deny them the opportunity!

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I am so shy... how do you combat that... plus I am not the greatest looking guy... so how does one get a girl that you want even if they might be "out of your league" I don't know :(

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how about checking out some of the seduction sites? although i hate players and how they use women, there is a germ of truth in what they say that can help shy people develop their confidence with the opposite sex. the important thing is not to take it too far so that you are treating women badly and i don't think you would ever do that. but its good in order to attract a girl to develop a certain nonchalance and playfulness, a way to flirt that is bold and a little intriguing. a little cat and mouse is not a bad thing until stronger feelings are developed. players think that the reason women chase after them is because they are bad boys and women like to be mistreated. that isn't true. the reason bad boys are often popular with women is because the guy projects a certain independence and strength, combined with an attitude of having fun. even if a guy is not the greatest looking or doesn't have much in the way of material things.

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Why do guys who beat their g/f's and all this ruin it for the shy ones.. It is like that is a desirable trait I don't understand it... I am very imdependent... I really am... I own my own house and car and I am still in college and only 21. I work in sales and make a good living... what am I doing wrong?

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