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Rebound dangers...


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I'm having a bit of a hard time with this... looking for speculation and insight from people who aren't me... Skip to the last paragraph if you don't want all the silly background.. it's probably not all that important anyway.

 

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We've been friends for 3 years... I asked her out when we first met, not knowing she had a boyfriend of two years... I quickly saw that a relationship wasn't an option, but we stayed in contact and we went on to build a really solid friendship over the years.

 

She broke up with him about 6 months ago, and it's been a big, messy, drawn out thing with them; he's still obsessively attached, doing/saying whatever he can to get her back. She doesn't want to, but she's lost and lonely and afraid of hurting him, so she's not been very resolute in defining her boundaries. Bottom line is, she's still confused and far from being "over" him.

 

There's always been an unspoken attraction and connection between us, but I understood and respected her commitment to her boyfriend. Now that they're apart, of course, I'm starting to dwell on the possibility of us being together; however, the last thing I want to do is jump into a closed-ended rebound relationship that will cost us our friendship. I had sort of made up my mind not to make any moves in that direction until it seemed like she had found at least a little peace in being single.

 

Throughout all of this, I've been a friend and a shoulder to cry on, which is the most important thing for her right now. Well, last week she kinda made a pass at me in the middle of a tearful breakdown about her difficulty in letting go of her ex. Bad, bad timing any way you slice it... I didn't return the gesture, which she took really hard, especially considering she was already freaking out. So, in part to soften the blow, and in part to get it off my chest, I came clean about everything I felt: that I'm still very attracted to her and have always wanted to see something happen between us, but that I didn't want to act on those feelings until she had sorted though this breakup on her own terms.

 

So now things are sticky. We're in this screwed up emotional limbo where we've both expressed how strongly we feel about each other, but we can't let it play out because I've pretty much said, "we shouldn't be together until you've found a little clarity." (not in so many words, but you get the point) I'm sure she now feels even more guilty and confused, and I feel like a bit of a prick for having set a standard like that. I didn't want to interfere in her healing by opening that can of worms, but I wanted to assure her that it wasn't a one-way thing that she was feeling. We're still talking, but tension is through the roof. In any case, what's done is done, and I'm now at a loss as to how to handle the situation.

 

Am I being needlessly cautious here? Should I just let things happen? I've been burned by rebounders before, and I don't want to jeopardize what she and I already have. Do two highly compatible people whose feelings for each other pre-date the breakup assume the same risk as any other run of the mill rebound?

 

Thanks for reading...

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Here are my thoughts on this:

 

I never got the "rebound" thing exactly. Life is about chances sometimes. You already have a friendship and that's a very solid foundation right there. Maybe it took going through what she went through to appreciate what you two may have?

 

I'm no expert, I can only give you my own experience with this notion of "rebound." I know what everyone says about it, but I just don't believe in it. Sometimes you really are starting at THE one...no matter what they just went through.

 

I met my (now) husband 3 days after I separated from my ex-husband. Everyone warned me, rebound, rebound. Everyone warned my husband too. But the feelings were real. The friendship we developed was REAL. We were engaged very quickly and have now been together for 11 years.

 

Sometimes rebounds ARE what people say but you know what? Sometimes it's the REAL DEAL...are you willing to take the chance in life?

 

Hasn't your heart been broken before? Didn't you get over it? Ask yourself if this is worth that shot. We both asked ourselves that and answered that YES, it was worth finding out (risking broken hearts) to find out.

 

Our gamble paid off...and maybe yours will too.

 

So what do you think you'll do?

 

Just wanted to add something...in my opinion these "rebound relationships" have no more or less chance at success as any other regular kind of relationship. So I think you assume the same risk as ANY relationship. I've always thought this rebound notion was kind of bogus. I guess that sums up my stance on the rebound issue.

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... Skip to the last paragraph if you don't want all the silly background.. it's probably not all that important anyway.

 

Ha ha. The last paragraph says "Thanks for reading." The only response I could come up with is "you're welcome".

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I have some more thoughts, after returning to read the rest...

 

Do you have any idea what her intentions were when she made her move on you? If you don't, then I'd say it's kind of a risk to jump right in. You could be in for a real ride with her. If her feelings are real, then she should be able to discuss them with you and make them clear to you.

 

Another thing to protect yourself from is the fact that the ex is still orbiting her. Getting involved in triangles is not usually a good idea. He's obsessive and a little unpredictable.

 

Like you said, you've been burned by rebounds before, and you're right to protect yourself. Especially because she's someone you know well and care about.

 

On the other hand, she might be looking for something solid and reliable to get hold of so she can give him the final kick. It sort of is a lot to ask for people to compartmentalize and organize their lives so well that everything is clean and perfectly prepared for the next relationship. Maybe you can provide that solid ground for her without putting your feelings too much at risk.

 

I could write more, but that's what I have for now.

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In my opinion you did a very good move - you set your standards right from the beginning. I think if you lower your expectations just in order to get into a relationship while secretly hoping that later it will change you are doomed for trouble and stress, because you partner might not understand your sudden change of feelings and will feel deceived now. After all you said you were ok with this and that, but suddenly you want things to be differently? - Not good...

 

She will secretly respect you that you did not take advantage of her situation and she will respect you for having standards. People who don't have standards end up being in friends with benefits relationships or end up as desperate 'nice' guys.

 

Be cool and just be there for her. If there really were that many feelings between you, she will come to you eventually, because you have proven yourself to be someone who is steadfast. If she sulks because you did not act out on her approaches she's a spoilt girl and you would have only experienced trouble with her in the future.

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Hi Asometry---

 

I'm a bit in the same situation. I think that you did the right thing by expressing your feelings and telling your friend that she needs to gain clarity before anything can happen. Because...it's true!! Also, something in her is still attached to her previous boyfriend so until that bond is severed she can't be with you anyway. I think you should cool back from her and then wait to see if she approaches you. She will learn by your absence.

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Thanks for your thoughts everyone.

 

Well, she said today that she finally wrote him off. She was fed up with having to explain herself each time he called with guilt trips and cries for help, and he absolutely wasn't respecting her demands for space.

 

This guy was clinging to the idea that he could still get under her skin, which is what has made this breakup impossible for her to get past. He would call several times a day, and when she didn't answer, he would autodial however many dozens of times it took for her cave and pick up. Obviously he's in pain, which is why she tolerated it, but she eventually had to accept that his unhappiness wasn't her fault or responsibility--as much as he would have her think otherwise.

 

It'll be a tough few weeks, but things finally seem to be on the right track. Regardless of what happens between us, I'm happy that she was able to make the decision to start looking after herself.

 

So what now? I guess we'll see how the decision sinks in and take things from there.

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I once confessed to a girl who I'd known for 4 years how I felt about her, to my complete amazement she felt the same, I waited for her (naively) to leave a very bad relationship with the promise of my love for her, which believe me, she would have got. I waited and waited, and in the end got my heart broken, even if she had have left him, I would have been a rebound relationship for her, my heart got broken for the first time. Fast forward 3 years to April 2005, I met a woman going through a divorce after 11 years of marriage, she'd been seperated 18 months, so I thought "its ok, she'd have been over it long ago" I laugh now to think how naive I was, I got properly properly burned. The grief is overwhelming, trust me, only ever date someone who is COMPLETELY EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE!!! I want to scream this to the world. I can't stress it enough, especially women, they are a little more emotionally driven than men and find it just that bit harder (in my opinion) and can behave very oddly indeed unless completely healed. My advice, leave this girl well alone man, it'll end in tears (for you) and even if you did get with her, wouldn't it be a bit awkward now, after all the drama? How would you act? What would you say? could you have the 'lovey dovey' period with her like all new relationships? I doubt it, because you know her, I often think back to my first heartbreak I previously mentioned and think "how would I have been round her?" and "It was cool being her friend for 4 years, but how do I act now?" think about it. I've been burnt twice by emotionally unavailable women, one in a bad relationship, the other a rebound, people who go rebounding, understandably make me sick!!!:sick: Its so nasty and selfish to use someone just because they can't handle being on their own, or haven't the strength to feel the pain and heal properly. Hope I'm not too strong here, but I'm still grieving and just entering the anger phase:mad: , and its sort of coming out in what I say here. wont be too long and I'll be onto acceptance and then FREE!!! :cool:

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Well, let me go back to my original question. Does the mere act of entering a relationship shortly after a breakup constitute a rebound? I've always taken the term to mean a haphazard relationship whose foundation is a temporary neediness, but it seems plausible that a relationship can arise from other, healthier, circumstances during that timeframe as well. Then again, I could be totally delusional.

 

Ok, here's another way of putting it: Would two otherwise compatible people fail in their relationship purely because of its timing?

 

I know there aren't yes or no answers to these questions, I'm just looking for a better perspective on this before I either string her along too far or make some idiotic decision that ruins everything.

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And another thing I want to touch on, is that I wasn't crouching in the bushes waiting for her to break up with this dude. I pretty well flushed the idea of us out of my head while they were together, and I'd do it again if she were to find someone else. My motivation for being her friend wasn't so that we could one day have a relationship, but I'm not going to turn my back on the possibility now that she's single...

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Ok, here's another way of putting it: Would two otherwise compatible people fail in their relationship purely because of its timing?

Yes. Even compatability isnt a guarantee of a lasting relationship, that would be too logical, its all in the timing, and if thats right, then its all in the emotion and psychology.
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....if one or the other doesn't have their ex completely over and done with in their mind (and in their life), all the loose ends from the split aren't tied up, and one or the other isn't completely content with their own selves and has their own lives in good order, it's highly likely that the rebound won't fly.

 

Any outstanding issues that aren't resolved from the previous relationship (or from a hardship of some sort in their life - such as depression, low self-esteem, alcoholism, etc.) will be dragged into the next one.

 

Think of it this way....if you had to choose between buying two cars, and one car has been damaged or wrecked (but not completely fixed), and the other one has not, which one would you choose? That's an easy one. Too often people go with the "fixer upper" SO, thinking "oh well, we can work on that and perhaps that won't be a factor." Well, unless you have the tools, skills and knowledge, certainly the patience, and the investment capital to repair the wrecked car, believe me.....it is NO BARGAIN.

 

I believe we all deserve mentally healthy, well, functioning partners. Not perfect ones - they simply don't exist.

 

Select.....don't settle!

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Let me offer my two cents Asometry. You're doing what me and everyone else does when confronted with the fact of being in love (or at least interested, anyway) in someone fresh out of a prior relationship. You're rationalizing. You know as well as I do that in these situations...yes it could work out great...but odds are that, yes, she is on the rebound and any relationship you enter into with her will not be primarily about you and her...it will be about her and him.

 

To answer your question more directly ( and to crudely paraphrase Mackenzie King) ...not all people freshly broken up are on the rebound...but all people on the rebound are freshly broken up. There really isnt much else to say. If you want to see it in terms of mathematical probability...then walk away because odds are it wont work. But you wont know unless you take a chance. Maybe it will work. And rebound relationships are just like any other relationship...it still takes two people to f*ck them up. And there are things you can do.

 

I've learned that if rebound relationships dont work its because the power imbalance is skewed from the get go. If you are willing to contemplate entering into this kind of relationship with someone, you probably REALLY like her. If not you would take a pass and look elsewhere and just stay friends. You probably like her more than she likes you. For her part, she is still in part focused on her own grief and pain and etc... Putting aside the fact that she will pursue you and want to spend time with you to take her mind of the ex relationship, she will nonetheless be emotionally less available to you than you are willing to be to her. She will feel in control. If she ever withdraws from you, you will be hard pressed not to pursue her, because your investment will be so much greater than hers that you will redouble your efforts at the first sign of reticence on her part. You see, rebound relationships seem to me to naturally engender clinginess on the part of the reboundee. Its a fundamental part of their dynamic and the reason the reboundee will invariably end up being and feeling crushed when it ends.

 

I hope I'm making some kind of sense. What I'm saying is rebound or not, who's to know unless you go for it and see what happens. But you have to keep your eyes open, limit your investment and never put more into the relationship than you see her doing. Dont allow yourself to be used, and to be put in the position of desperately trying to recoup your investment when (if) things go pear shaped. Dont play games. Just wait and see and watch things evolve.

 

Most importantly, go slow and never let the rebounder determine the pace. As a matter of fact, if you want to know if she is on the rebound, try and go slow and see if she becomes impatient and tries to set a faster pace for the relationship (jumping into having sex really quickly, in more extreme cases moving in together really fast, making life plans on the 3rd date...all potential signs of a rebound). People on the rebound always want to set the pace and never want to wait for things to develop because the relationship is about assuaging their pain and loneliness NOW. Its not about trying to build a durable future for the two of you.

 

yes it can work but only if you keep your head out of water and dont get delusional about her. Dont ignore bad signs... things like the "I thinks its important that you have no expectations of us" talk that is classic rebound speak meaning "this is good for now but dont go looking for a future with me." Don't let her talk your ear off about her ex. Thats never a good sign, unless you are just her friend of course. etc. etc.

 

I'm gonna stop now, i feel like I'm rambling a bit.

 

 

good luck, i've been there

 

 

salmagundi

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Everything in the above reply from salmagundi is EXTREMELY EXTREMELY good, true advice, a very GOOD perspective and the truth, it fits my recent situation EXACTLY, I was the reboundee, and my ex was the rebounder, I heard all the things that salmagundi said you will hear, I had sex with her on the first date, so only the second time I'd seen her, she initiated it, of course, I'd only been up to see her for 3 or 4 weekends and she had me moved in there, she'd cry for what seemed like no reason, only for me to later find out that it was over her 'soon to be' ex husband. It was all on her terms, 2 days after I tried calling a shot (the first serious one I called in 6 months) she ended it, I'm now crushed (although getting slightly better, after 7 weeks) It was all at her pace and the red flags were there all along, I just didn't see them. Read through salmagundi's reply once more and TAKE HEED!!! I wouldn't wish this on anyone, I invested my ALL into her, and now I'm crawling.

Regards, Steve.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I just got out of a 2 year relationship with someone I loved a lot who inretrospect was in rebound. I think in your case in depends. I also met this guy shortly after another relationship ended and on my end it didn't feel like a rebound. Practically, I think if someone is still crying and talking about their ex with emotion, then they are not ready to move on yet and you may just get hurt. If she is glad to move on, then it's probably ok to date

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I agree with the above poster. In my case, I'm technically broken up (technically...). And I'm pretty broken up about. I'm a prime candidate for a whirlwind rebound fling. But at the same time, of the women around me that I can date (that I know, or at least believe are interested, or are at least available/single) most of them I already know would be (regardless of how attractive, intelligent etc they are) just rebound flings for me. But there is one that wouldn't be. At all. She would make me forget my ex in an instant. But then she already turned me down :). Alors, c'est la vie. Mais in any case, like I said, rebound relationships can always work. Some have in the past. Most dont though...so just keep your eyes wide open and never let yourself ignore the red flags...

 

salmagundi

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So guess what. We went for it a few weeks ago, and we're pretty much a thing by now. Surprise, surprise, right? Well, it's been truly great so far; it's something we've both wanted for a long time, and it's exciting to finally see it taking shape.

 

The thing I couldn't dismiss was that she says she's had these feelings for years, even when she was with her boyfriend. Apparently she would sometimes create distance between us (flakey communication, etc.) at the time because of those feelings, to guard herself from getting too involved while she had commitments of her own to uphold. Even after her breakup, she dated a few guys and said that she pretty much had me on her mind the whole time.

 

I know she's still struggling to get past her last relationship, but I'm convinced that what's happening bewteen us is in spite of that, not because of it. Even still, I'm staying cool, giving her space and remaining accepting of the possibility that this might not work. Wish me luck. :)

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Listen, Asometry, Ièm really happy for you. It actually makes me nostalgic for when me and my ex first got together (I'm getting a sad knot in my chest just thinking about it.) I can still feel like it was yesterday the intensity of our attraction. Its inevitabilty. Our first kiss and the way when I pulled away she had her eyes closed and this dreamy smile on her lips that made me feel like a king. They she would talk about all of our 'spots' like the place we first kissed. And the place where we almost first kissed. etc.

 

I was in love, and she was on the rebound. She had just gotten out of a two year relationship.

 

We talked about that, we were open about it. We knew we either went for it or died wondering. She assured me that what she felt for me was real. And it lasted...I dont know...almost a year from start to ...wherever we are now. But...after the rosy clouds parted, things went pearshaped.

 

What I'm saying is, like we say in Québec...."attache ta tuque!" (literally, pull your tuque down tight. I mean to say is, you're in love and so is she I'm sure but don't get ahead of yourself. If things are going great, then ignore and dont worry about it. But if things get weird in a few months, (the point at which point the rebounder reevaluates the relationship for what it is and gets antsy) dont make excuses...dont ignore bad signs like the ones I talked about in another post on this thread.

 

Don't give more than she does, and remember that for me too it was bliss for the first 6 months until some of those red flags I talked about earlier starting cropping up. Don't ignore them. If she gets flaky about commitment around the six month mark like my ex did, set clear boundaries and don't get strung along.

 

I definitely dont want you to sabotage this with paranoia either, dont get me wrong, what she is telling you sounds good. Ultimately its your gut that will tell you if everything is right with you and her or not. If you listen to it you will be alright. Just dont rush, thats the most important thing with a potential rebound situation. If she is in it for you and not just to fill the hole her last ex left, she will be happy to take it slow. She will even understand...she must know and you guys must have talked about how she could be on the rebound.

 

 

I read somewhere a very true cliché: "true love waits."

 

Tell us how it works out.

 

salmagundi

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