Missing her so much - lonely nights

December 1, 2005

Me and my ex have been split up for more than a year (my fault)after a 2 year relationship but have been seeing each other up until 3 mo. ago. I have tried to do everything right and be the boyfriend I wasn't during this time and tried to make her happy. I did a total 360. We did all the things couples did however she met someone else a few mo. ago. She said she wouldn't get back with me throughout the time we were seeing each other but we were still affectionate and spent the night together frequently. She is going out with this guy now and it feels terrible knowing that someone has replaced me. She considers me now just a friend however says that her feelings towards me are uncomparable to the way she feels about anyone else but will never be with me again. She tells me that she is with him cause he treats her good and he is cool. Fact is I treat this girl like she is gold. I miss her sooo much. I have tried to win her back but it seems that everytime I talk about me and her it turns intense. She hangs up on me and doesn't answer my calls. I do anything this girl asks me still. I recently sent her flowers with a note expressing how strong my love for her was but she didn't really reply other than thank you and they are really pretty. I also took her medicine and a coffee at her work when she asked and have taken her lunch (whatever she craves) when she asks me too. When she first started going out with this guy I got her some foot products and underwear (very feminine) just because I know she would like them and use them. I don't know ,that was a desperate move and didn't work. She refused them because she said she didn't want to use me. I am so nice to her and her kids. She called me selfish recently for not just being her friend when that is the last thing I have been. I have sacrificed my feelings to attend both of her children's birthday parties with her bf present. I felt like dying when I was there but I still showed up because me and her children grew close and for her. I called this guy a name early on before they officially went out but pulled him aside and apologized and told him where I was coming from. He said I didn't later on and she since believed him. The second b-day party I attended me and her were standing in line about to order food and he came right in front of me and hugged her but I know what he was trying to do. I had to hold it in and walk away even though I wanted to beat the f@ck out of him. Anyways I don't know what to do she called me today and asked if I was mad at her for calling me selfish and for her taking his side about the whole name calling incident. Everytime I talk to her I break down though. I still have gone shopping with this girl, taken her and her children out to eat and offered to take her to try different things that we didn't do while we together. I just feel empty because it's not enough. She says she doesn't know what she wants but it is not me. I asked her one time why and she said that she gave me enough chances and doesn't want to go through the pain again. I wish she would just see me for what I am today... everything she wanted. Sorry so long. Any advise or similar situations. Any response would be much appreciated...

Thanks

December 1, 2005

This is exactly the kind of situation for which No Contact was designed.

Take a couple of months off your ex to get your head together. Don't be rude or anything, just don't see her. If she asks, explain you're just taking time to get over it.

December 1, 2005

i agree nc is the only way to get over it.

she probably lost respect for you in the end. you went from one extreme to another, when what you need is a balance. this other guy obviously finds you a threat, or he wouldnt behave as he does. you have done really well to control your emotions in front of him.

your ex feels guilty, that is why she puts it on you and says you are selfish etc. so then you bend over backwards trying even more to be good enough for her, treat her even better etc, she realises even more that she can control you, and feels even guiltier etc and loses even more respect. we all do these things at the end of relationships. that is why, the only way is to move on. just learn from this for the next girl, she sounds like she will be lucky to have you. remember to find the balance.

December 1, 2005

Yeah definetly stay away from her I mean you don't want to be around when she's with the new guy. It must kill to watch them be affectionate around each other. If i saw my ex with some guy I don't think I'd have the same self control that you do. It's tough because I know what you're saying you've changed and you just want another chance but she can't go back. My ex said the same to me. I'm sure if you give it some time you'll realize that she had her faults as well and maybe things wouldn't be as great if you got back together. Take it one day at a time.

December 3, 2005

Well I have tried NC once again but failed. Just her voice on my VM leaves me yearning for her even more. So I feel compelled to call her. Yesterday morning she called and asked if I wanted to do something just me and her since she didn't have her children. I agreed..Well all day I did research on what we could do and decided to plan the night with taking her to a play and then to a fondue restaurant she has been wanting to try. I made reservations at the restaurant to coordinate with the play. After I got off work I went home and got ready and called her to check if she wanted to go. No reply. I also called her doing the day to inform her. She said she got off work late and her phone was dead.. She was at her mom's house at the time and mentioned after she got off work she stopped at her bf's apartment for awhile and then went to her mom's. I felt soo bad and told her how I felt.. She said that she was going to ask me if I wanted to go to one of our favorite Japanese restaurants tonight but she said nevermind. I then told her how she was treating me (crappy) and then she changed her tune and said it wasn't her fault because of her phone.. She said she had to go because her mom needed to use the phone so I ended the call with don't worry I am JUST YOUR FRIEND RIGHT and hung up. I am sooo hurt with this girl but feeling like sh#$%t why should I try to convince her to like me again or even fall in love with me again. I know who I am and that is something good and not to be taken for granted in which I feel like I am. If this girl only knew what I did all day to make a pleasant evening for us. I miss her soo much but damnit I am tired of crying and being hurt for what being the good guy! Can anyone tell me why girls do this? Is she really feeling just guilty or she really enjoys my company and wants to see me?? I want to believe she still has feelings for me but I just don't know anymore????? Any thoughts??

December 3, 2005

Resilient, this has been going on for 1 year now and its probably time to try something different.

She has used you all year for her own needs, weather it be company, her lonliness or even sex ( which has stopped now that she has a new dude ).

You gotta ask yourself are you achieving anything by doing what your doing?

From an outside perspective id say no, cause all your doing is causing pain to urself and she hasnt come back to you.

Stop sending her gifts, and trying to buy your way back into her heart.. Thats just stupid.

She said that you and her are no chance, so id be disapearing all together from her world. Who cares if she says your being immature and selfish. Its times like these when we have to be, cause your the one hurting here, not her.

December 3, 2005

She has a B/F right???

So you hit the nail on the head - YOU ARE JUST HER FRIEND

Take your own advice. Man, she feels guilty because she doesnt want to hurt your feelings, although it seems she has hurt them on more than one occasion. You are just boosting her ego.

I had the same. You are looking into every message, voice mail, scraping for any signs of hope. But you are no longer together. She is over you, and you are being a doormat for her. If you keep going the way you are, all your self respect will be gone and even if she does split with her boyfriend, she wont turn to you as she will be turned off by your previous actions.

It hurts like hell, but no contact has got to be the way. Dont respond. Then see how desperatly she wants to be with you.

December 6, 2005

First, I do sympathize with you. But wait- it's more than sympathy...sympathy is a word that means you haven't experienced it yourself, but you feel some emotion about the matter. The word I am looking for to describe what I feel about your situation is 'empathy'...which means you've been there...you've experienced it, had a very similar thing happen to you, as well.

And I have.

I remember that the ache was so huge that sometimes, it literally felt like it engulfed me, especially when I was alone and thinking about him, missing him. Other times, it felt sharp, like when I was actually seeing him with someone else.or thinking about him with someone else. So I've been there, where you are right now.

This was more two years ago. And yes- I survived it. I went through nearly a year just trying to get through the next hour, let alone the whole 24. Weeks went by ever soooooo slowly and I went through every phase there was: the hurt stage, the anger stage, the pity stage, the just-plain-depressed stage. Man, there were days I questioned my own sanity. I confronted him once and wrecked his entire office, something I have never done in my life! It was a horrible ugly scene and I caught him with a girlfriend there, in his adjoining private townhouse suite upstairs. But now, none of that seems important. I know now, that (judging by his numerous merry-go-round of relationships since me) it was only by the grace of God (and I've never been all that religious, mind you) that he broke it off with me.

People like him are everywhere. They look 'normal' at first, but they are just so screwed up they can't settle for just one guy or girl. They have to try them all out. It's like they can't stand it when someone treats them well and shows some real love that can carry you through anything that comes along. They seem to be oblivious to the fact that most people never come close to getting the affection and love they NEED...much less more than they'll ever have to ask for. They are ruthless in their actions, totally unappreciative of the respect that comes with the love another is offering, and they are just plain abusive. You'll never get back from these people what you give them. They are simply not capable. You can look at their kids and wish you could be a father to them, but, really man...you'll always just end up being used. You can't help them...you can't keep wasting your love on her anymore, either. You are just killing yourself.

They only remedy here is to do the hardest thing you have ever done in your life....break it off......like she stuck the knife right through your heart, you have to leave it there, break it off and leave it there to heal. It'll scab over in time. If you leave half of it sticking out, she'll just keep twisting it for you. Get the picture?

Breaking it off means no contact with her or the kids. No phone call TO her...and TAKING none from her. Even if she calls a hundred times a day. And even if you know her number by heart and want to tap it in so bad you think your fingers have a mind of their own. If you think you can't do it - put a block on your phone to prevent her calls to you. Or just leave your cell phone at the bottom of your laundry hamper,the trunk of your car or with a trusted friend for a few weeks.

Going cold turkey in a relationship like this is like coming off heroine, only it'll feel worse because it's you going through it. And nobody but those who have been there can identify with the way you feel.

Cold turkey will mean you don't drive by her house, man...just go that extra ten miles if you need to to bypass the familiar streets and signs. It means cleaning house, too. Burn every damn thing you have in the house (that's yours) that reminds you of her...(hey...except for that really nice stereo...sell that to a buddy...or use it to pay off a loan back to a friend you owe). Then buy yourself a brand new one, along with some NEW music...NOT the stuff the two of you listened to. Run out and splurge on some new sheets and a nice comforter...and a new candle with a scent YOU like...(the vanilla SHE liked will remind you of her). Get a friend (of YOURS- not HERS) to come get the things that belong to her and take them to her (undamaged, of course)- and tell your friend that you don't want the rundown, afterwards, on what she said, how she looked, yadda, yadda.

Furthermore, in the No-Contact, Cold Turkey Rules...stop going to the same restaurants, grocery stores, etc. Avoid anyplace (at least for the next few months, say 6 or 8 of them) where you know she frequents. Listen, if you can't move from the town these are things you must do to begin healing and stay sane. You won't feel like you're sane for awhile, but trust me, if you do these things you will have taken steps to do for yourself what no shrink could ever do...build a characteristic of super-strength through these experiences that will help you through much more than heartache....you will find that, in doing these things, and FINDING OUT THAT YOU CAN DO THEM...you will have built something within yourself that will help you in ANYTHING you ever attempt to do in life. Even if you fail at some of these breaking-away rules, you can always suck in another fresh breath of air ....retry....and WIN!

You can do this, my friend....you are much too nice of a person to live in the hell you have been going through.....and there IS someone (whether you believe you'll ever love agin or not) out there in YOUR future who will love you back, appreciate you and respect you as a MAN!

Regards,

Billie

December 7, 2005

Just wanted to say thank you for all the responses as they are giving me a different way of thinking and possible hope for the future...

Well after not talking since Friday night briefly she called me on Sunday explaining that her Grandmother is in the hospital and her family from out of town is here. She feels compelled to tell me the reason she hasn't called for some reason lately. Anyways I called her back on Monday and just wanted to express my concern for her family. She said she was sick and acted like nothing happened, we talked briefly and she also asked for my help with a resume. Well I still had very strong feelings from what happened last weekend but didn't express them right then and there. She called me yesterday and wanted to know if I wanted to go to dinner with her and her children. I called her back after work and explained that I had an appointment at couldn't make it. Although she was playing she said that she was going to tell her kids that I didn't want to see them and that I suck AND THEN SHE MENTIONED HIS NAME saying well I guess will invite or take so and so and then said j/k. She told me that he wanted to apologize and I said F%&$&K him and said I never want to talk to him let alone for you to mention his name around me for his actions. And asked her if she told him anything for being confrontational with me at the birthday party and she said she did. I blew up after that and said she should really choose her words more carefully next time she calls someone selfish when I am still around despite you having a BF among other things and how that I have unconditional love for you and that he can't love you like I do... Well she was at work at the time and said I called to invite you to dinner not for a lecture.. I said how can you say my feelings are a lecture.. I was angry and hurt again.. She left a VM this morning on my phone asking if I could still help her with her resume and didn't mention anything that happened yesterday or her feelings! I don't know sometimes I feel fine for the most part when she doesn't call but being a person with such a big heart I can't turn her down when she needs my help (especially when it effects her well being and her children's) even though I don't think she really appreciates me. I wish she would acknowledge what I say and not pretend like everything is alright...Just venting.. I don't want to cry anymore I need to be strong though and not slip into depression again.. Thanks for reading..

December 7, 2005

Hi Resilient - so sorry for your pain - I, too, can empathize.

You mentioned in your first post that your breakup was your fault, and that since then you've done a 360. I'm curious - what was the breakup about? Was she ambivalent like this when you were together?

December 8, 2005

After we reunited almost 4 years ago I was still seeing other girls and going out and just having fun. Well after we decided to see each other on a more than friends level I was still seeing other girls (but saying I wasn't)and going out with my friends. I took her for granted and stood her up on more than one occasion. She also was talking to other guys but stopped though since she thought I wasn't seeing anyone else. She found out about my actions through my friends but I still denied it. Well after awhile my feelings grew for her and I wanted to see her exclusively. In order for us to move on she wanted the details of my exploits. This was hard for me since I had an issue with lying but I finally came clean because I wanted to be with her. She was best friend and more.. Our relationship went through a lot of obstacles including my backstabbing friends, rumors, lies and betrayal plus a mutual friend who spent a lot of time with my ex (before us) but she made it clear they were just friends. These trials didn't make it easy on our relationship. We had to isolate ourselves due to his feelings and my friends actions which was wrong.. I also made a lot of mistakes throughout the relationship including disclosing more information than I should have to my family and friends. My family started to dislike her because of what I told them however there was always two sides. Once the storm settled though we fell in love with each other and were inseperable. She would hold my finger at night just to reassure herself that I was there. I didn't take her for granted or never stood her up again. I mean we were like air to each other. This went on and I stopped going out with my friends and spent more time with her and her children which became close to me as well. We knew though that we needed outside interactions so she always asked me to call my friends or cousin to go out. I was always hesitant though because I knew my friends and I didn't want them to mess this up for me which they did anyways so we didn't hang out with them that often. To make a long story short my ex called one day, I was rude and didn't want to talk to her however my gf said to be nice so the next time my ex called I talked to her mainly small talk and were strictly friends for a few weeks. I made another mistake of disclosing too much info to her and it got back to my gf since they called each other to find out what was going on. My ex had feelings for me and her whole intent was to break us up and see if I was still the man when we went out. Our relationship took a big hit after this incident. I never cheated on my gf though. We would split for not even a day occassionally but this time she wanted to take time off and told me she was going to pursue a guy she has admired and put above anyone else and even went out with before us. She said she wanted to be with him if he would have her. Me an her were still seeing each other but I knew it was short lived. This is where I made the biggest mistake of my life by sleeping with some random girl and then denying/lying about it to my gf. Well she found out and for the past year and a half I have been trying to make things right by being the man she always wanted. Being trusting, honest, loyal and extremely devoted. I love her soo much and want to spend my life with her and her children but my efforts weren't good enough. She hasn't seen anyone for the past year and a half but 3 mo ago met someone and I have been put on the shelf so to speak. In a nutshell that is what happened. I am a different guy but she doesn't see that all she sees is the past and I think she is afraid to take another chance on me because of the pain I once caused. If only she knew how different and better I am...

December 8, 2005

I am feeling all the pain now and sometimes hate myself for not seeing the gift that was sent to me....For probably messing up the best girl I have known. My girlie forever..

December 8, 2005

Hi again. Okay, wow, I wondered if it was something along those lines. I'm definitely not intending to kick you when you're down, because you obviously really care about this girl, and maybe you have really done a 360. But you know, it's so hard to regain trust once it's really broken. That pain never really goes away, and I can imagine why she might just not want to go there again.

Sleeping with someone else is definitely bad - but it's the lying I'd be even more concerned about, if I were her. People can make mistakes, and it's hard enough to forgive that. But a pattern of not telling the truth when confronted, or evasion, or just flat-out lying to save face just leads to a pervasive atmosphere of suspicion, and all the love in the world can't stand up to that pressure-cooker atmosphere. (Speaking from experience here.)

And once that happens, no matter how great you treat her now, it's hard to blame her for not knowing whether you'll just revert if/when she comes back. Because, she wouldn't ever really know, though she might genuinely want to trust you. You know? I'm not saying you would - you obviously care about her, and it sounds like you've really been doing some thinking, and that's not wasted time or effort - but it's something you can apply to your next relationship.

But there's a lot of baggage between you guys now. And maybe it's best for both of you to be apart and heal? I'm sorry, I know it's a tough thing to hear.

December 9, 2005