Why would someone treat me this way?

[dahlia]

Good morning everyone. It's been two wks since my breakup with the guy I lived with. He left. We broke up once before, and I was a total wreck, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, would tremble, cry...you get the picture. Well, he came back and promised he wouldn't take me for granted, treat me like ****, etc. I accepted him back, but things were only worse.

He ignored me, never called me during the day or night while I was at work, slept in another room, no sex, no affection, no conversation. However, there was a lot of fighting. I couldn't understand why he was with me if he didn't have any feelings for me. I had asked to leave many times, because I knew he had lost his desire for me--he would always refuse and we'd argue. Well, he finally left--I have not heard from him, and I just want to figure this out.

 

Others on here have told me he treated me that way b/c I allowed it. To some extent, I suppose I did, but, I confronted the problem, tried to hash it out with him, tried to make him confess he just didn't care anymore--he would just deny this.

 

So, please people, can you explain this to me. I don't care if it's harsh--I just need to learn from this and move on. I am meeting some friends tonight and I definitely want to get back into the swing of the singles scene. I am not looking for a rebound, but, when I do date, I want to be treated with respect and dignity. I want that person to enjoy spending time with me and to eventually if it goes that far, have desire for me. Gosh, it's been sooooo long since I've had that.....

 

Any perspectives on why my relationship turned out that way? For the first two yrs he treated me great--loved spending time with me, called me constantly, couldn't get enough of me sexually, was loving with me. Then all of a sudden---dead! What happened?

[LucreziaBorgia]

What happened? He fell out of love with you. It is a long slow process - one in which you only begin to notice it when it is too late. Its the point where they don't want you in their lives anymore, but are afraid to let go and hate themselves and feel guilty because of no longer feeling for you and being too cowardly to just let go.

 

Here it is from the other side - the 'bad guy' side:

 

Is it sudden? Nope. It can take months, years even. It starts with small things. Like noticing flaws where you didn't before. You find you aren't as attracted and you feel your feelings draining - so you try to compensate for it (which looks to you like a second chance or a 'rejuvenation' of your relationship). That rarely works. In fact the process simply continues.

 

You go from feeling guilty to feeling resentful. You start arguments to justify your confusing emotions. You start to feel trapped. This is where you start saying "I need space" (and this is also when you cheat - you look for someone who represents the successes you feel are missing from your own relationship). Interestingly enough, the cheating can sometimes prolong the relationship because you get a 'fix' which allows the relationship you have with them to once again be tolerable.

 

But... the process continues. Pretty soon, you start feeling cold and angry toward the other person projecting your own feelings of guilt and responsibility for the failure of the relationship onto them. They cry, beg, plead, go through emotional upheaval and eventually obligation and pity wins out and the barest remenants of feelings and nostalgia allow you to 'get back together'.

 

Eventually though... it is right back to where it was. Then, it goes through the black times where it is agonizing. You fight, yell - the sex is long gone, there is no laughter, no tender moments - just you smashing yourself against the bars of the cage of this relationship trying to find a way out.

 

Eventually, the last little bit of emotions and feelings drain away and you see that you aren't in a cage at all. You can walk away at any time and not look back. So, you do.

 

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Does this mean he never had feelings for you? Absolutely not. Of course he did. But, its like his heart is a large jug and his love for you is the water inside of it. It got a pinhole leak somewhere along the way. You tend to ignore the warning signs through wishful thinking and hope and only notice it when the level of the water in the jug is alarmingly low. Can the leak be plugged and the jug refilled? I guess its possible, but so is getting struck by lightning. Falling out of love is rarely reversable, unfortunately. That jug was once full and there is no way to describe what causes that leak to happen - falling out of love is just as mysterious as falling in love. It just happens.

 

In terms of moving on, you'll need to accept that just as he loved you once - he allowed his love for you leak away. That is not your doing. There may have been things contributing, but you didn't make him fall out of love with you. He did that all on his own. Why? Sometimes there simply is no real answer to that.

[dahlia]

Heh Lucrezia--Wow, I was totally impressed by your post. It shed quite a bit of light on my situation. I think you maybe experienced this yourself, so you were able to explain it perfectly. It's sad that things like this happen. I would like to think that I will never get in a relationship again where someone can love me so much in the beginning and then feel nothing in the end. I suppose we can't control that, though.

 

Thanks so much. I think I will reread what you wrote. It will help me have some clarity and move me past this wondering point.

[Hot Coco]

Heh Lucrezia--Wow, I was totally impressed by your post. It shed quite a bit of light on my situation. I think you maybe experienced this yourself, so you were able to explain it perfectly. It's sad that things like this happen. I would like to think that I will never get in a relationship again where someone can love me so much in the beginning and then feel nothing in the end. I suppose we can't control that, though.

 

Thanks so much. I think I will reread what you wrote. It will help me have some clarity and move me past this wondering point.

 

No, you really can't control whether it happens or not. Love is such a big gamble. You're gambling with your feelings and your heart. But you CAN help minimize the chances of a "loss." You can do that by keeping your eyes WIDE OPEN at the beginning. Look for red flags. Listen to how they talk about past relationships and about their family. Be aware of all the subtle clues that will tell you what kind of person this is. By doing that you can help protect yourself. Because there's a point where you CAN stop yourself from going further with someone before it's too late. Before you've given your heart to this person.

 

So keep your eyes open for clues into the person's character. Think about your ex now. Were there clues in the beginning that may have told you this would happen? You can learn from this.

[lilmoma1973]

 

Maybe he felt sorry for hurting you and breaking up with you and thought he would see if it could work.. Maybe he realized that it was there and he did those things to give you a hint that it is over and the feelings wasn't there.. Maybe he was scared of hurting you again so he kept his distant because of these feelins and did it for your benefit!! You let him do it so he continued to move on and except it is over and was way before he came back !! Good luck