Jump to content

Breakup with a Narcissist


Recommended Posts

Am I going insane?

 

I recently (two months ago) broke up with a girlfriend that I believe to be narcissistic. She fits the personality disorder to a "T" even though, to the best of my knowledge, she hasn't been officially diagnosed.

 

That said, things started out great for the first 2-3 months. In fact almost too good to be true. She was incredibly charming and had everything that I could want. Things started changing, however, when I became more emotionally involved with her and especially when I tried to communicate my feelings to her or about how the relationship was going. Also I noticed some intense jealousy if I went out w/friends or didn't go or do something with her, even though I had a legitimate reason. The silent treatment was her punishment of choice along with emotional withdrawal, decreased sex and less frequent contact such as purposely taking longer to return phone calls, etc...I have caught her in two different lies.

 

After I realized that I could not communicate at all to this woman, and when I did my feelings and emotions were of no consequence and were devalued and the spotlight was put back on her and the blame started going on me. She threatened to breakup with me , but didn't. I felt like I was being strung along and finally I had enough one day and didn't contact her for a few days. She perceived this as a sign that I wanted to breakup and returned some of my belongings that I had at her house accompanied by a letter that basically put all the blame on me and made her look innocent. I've apologized to her in the past and always see my side in things and take responsibility, but realized she does not do the same. I feel that she cared for me, but in an infatuation sort of way and not a true loving way.

 

My dilemma is this. Two months have gone by and I know in my gut that I did the right thing in leaving this relationship. Since I received no "closure" from her, I think I am my own worst enemy and am beating myself up and even questioning myself as to whether I over-reacted to all of this. For some odd reason I hold hope that she will contact me, but I know it would be best for her not to. I can't seem to disconnect my heart from my brain.

Even though we were only together for 4 months, this breakup has been harder to accept than one that I was in for 4 years! I've talked to friends and have even started to date again, but it still weighs on my mind every day. I'm sure time will help, but this seems incredibly difficult. Perhaps it is because I had an image of the perfect woman and I still can't void that image out of my mind? Any thoughts?

Link to post
Share on other sites
My dilemma is this. Two months have gone by and I know in my gut that I did the right thing in leaving this relationship. Since I received no "closure" from her, I think I am my own worst enemy and am beating myself up and even questioning myself as to whether I over-reacted to all of this. For some odd reason I hold hope that she will contact me, but I know it would be best for her not to. I can't seem to disconnect my heart from my brain.

Even though we were only together for 4 months, this breakup has been harder to accept than one that I was in for 4 years! I've talked to friends and have even started to date again, but it still weighs on my mind every day. I'm sure time will help, but this seems incredibly difficult. Perhaps it is because I had an image of the perfect woman and I still can't void that image out of my mind? Any thoughts?

 

Make your own closure...I tell ya though, you're more than half way there! Just stop beating up on yourself, please.

 

She isn't perfect, nobody is and because you put her so high up on the pedistool, when it came crashing down it ruined your image of her. The kicker is, she was never that person to begin with.

 

She's a N and you have your own personal proof of it. There is nothing you can do or say to her that will calm your mind and you DO deserve the same respect that you've given her, but she won't tell you (ever) what you want to hear.

 

You invested yourself completely, emotionally so the heart doesn't see it as 4 months.

 

Hang in there, don't blame yourself and still do no contact. She is messed up and always will be, she will never change.

 

You have the control and power to NOT let her ruin you emotionally. Don't open up at all to her because she will play you again. (On another note, she may not be fully aware of what she is doing as many N's won't admit they are just that! So, with that in mind, keep your distance and know that you're better off without her...)

 

Hope this helps. Also, there are more threads, in the coping section about N's. Do a search on the site here and maybe read some other threads that could help you in this situation.

 

Take care.

Link to post
Share on other sites

jj most people don't know they've just broken up with someone who has npd or the like. so YOU have no excuse. run do not walk as fast as you can away from this train wreck or do you LIKE living in total chaos and delaying any chance of having good things enter your life? so your choice is simple.

 

regards

 

mike

Link to post
Share on other sites
Am I going insane?

My dilemma is this. Two months have gone by and I know in my gut that I did the right thing in leaving this relationship. Since I received no "closure" from her, I think I am my own worst enemy and am beating myself up and even questioning myself as to whether I over-reacted to all of this. For some odd reason I hold hope that she will contact me, but I know it would be best for her not to. I can't seem to disconnect my heart from my brain.

Even though we were only together for 4 months, this breakup has been harder to accept than one that I was in for 4 years! I've talked to friends and have even started to date again, but it still weighs on my mind every day. I'm sure time will help, but this seems incredibly difficult. Perhaps it is because I had an image of the perfect woman and I still can't void that image out of my mind? Any thoughts?

 

You are not going insane. It broke my heart to read this because it is almost the exact same relationship and situation I was in 9 months ago. Honestly, I've only recently started to feel better about things but I'm sure your recovery will be much faster. The lack of communication with a narcissist makes it really difficult to provide yourself closure because there are just so many unanswered questions. You just have to really accept the fact that they are the one with the issue and are definitely not right for you so it doesn't really matter why they pulled away. I mean really accept it. It's hard to get past that "perfect" person that they were in the beginning. What really helped me was thinking of it as a character someone would play in a film or show. That wasn't really them, they were portraying someone else. And for me it was far harder to get past the devastation of the relationship rather than the person I was in it with. I started to date again after about 3 months and it helped temporarily but there was still a lot of unresolved feelings towards the narcissist that just came back afterwards. We were only together for about half a year and I had 2 LTRs before that but I could not get over what had happened in such a short amount of time. It's amazing how much damage can be done. I don't think there's anything wrong with you for not being over it yet, I think it will really take you some time to get past it. :love:

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

"jj most people don't know they've just broken up with someone who has npd or the like."

 

Thanks all for the advice. I didn't know about NPD until after the breakup. I just new this relationship was toxic and that I had to leave. Afterwards I started reading about it and it fit her like a glove, which is why perhaps I have been second guessing myself as to if it is really what it is. I suppose it's normal to second guess, especially after more time goes by after the breakup. I need to tell myself that it is what it is...if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck then it's a duck (Narcissist).

Link to post
Share on other sites
I didn't know about NPD until after the breakup. I just new this relationship was toxic and that I had to leave. Afterwards I started reading about it and it fit her like a glove... I need to tell myself that it is what it is...if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck then it's a duck (Narcissist).

 

:eek: Ditto. Didn't know what NPD was until way afterwards.

I think you gave yourself some good advice there. You should consider yourself lucky that you were smart enough to break up with her, nobody deserves to be with a narcissist and you can do way better ;)

Link to post
Share on other sites

JJ,

That God you let her go early. Your relationship sounded so familiar to mine. Imaging going through that for 2 years. I now realized that she was like that. Thats why my relationship didn't work. It's been 2 1/2 since the break up and total NC since day 1. Trust me it gets better, get preoccupied. You know what helps me, take any classes in martial arts, it so much of a stress reliever and its so much fun.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
JJ,

Imaging going through that for 2 years. I now realized that she was like that. Thats why my relationship didn't work. It's been 2 1/2 since the break up and total NC since day 1. Trust me it gets better, get preoccupied. You know what helps me, take any classes in martial arts, it so much of a stress reliever and its so much fun.

 

Thanks for the feedback. I couldn't fathom two years of this. I think I would have gone off the deep end. Actually posting on here and sharing my experience has helped me tremendously and I'm thankful for all the caring and supportive people on here. Martial arts is good. I may do that. I've been hitting the gym extra hard and even got a date from a woman that I met there. Things are looking up. It's just a long, slow process as I am sure you already know.

Link to post
Share on other sites

JJ,

I should have let her go when the first red flag appeared. I really did not know that this disoder existed. Until I came up to this site. Man, I feel stupid but I feel relieved that it's finally is over. The fun has already started for me. Suddenly all this girls want to start hanging with me. When I was with her no one really wanted something with me because she was always be there next to me and really never talked to any of my friends. Also I always put a barrier in front of me telling girls to back off I am taken, that kind of atittude, but I didn't matter because I did it for her. Never do that, you have too make her feel that other girls want you, and she needs to do anything at all cost to keep you. I am not saying to disrespect her, just show her in away that is subtle. Who know's if this would work on a NPD though, they don't realy care eventhough they act like they do, it's so confusing.:o

Take Aikido for martial arts, is my first time taking it is so fluent and smooth, trust me you like it. Good luck with the new date.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey Darling,

 

I know this game, you're "N", thinks she's smart. She put on that big production sending all your stuff back and writing the letter to evoke some monutental response from you. You did the right thing not trying to contact her. She surely expected you to run over there and profess your love to her and beg her not to make that decsion.

 

This is obviously a result of some life long baggage that she has been carrying around stemming from trust issues. It seems very likely that by now she has realized what she had indeed lost. As much as you perhaps idolized her, in her heart she nows you're a good man. You will hear from her soon, it may not be right away but soon, and then you will have the closure that, no matter what anyone says, you need.

 

Be happy this happened now and not 3 years from now. Remember the feelings you have are a normal part of recovery. Think of her as an addiction that you need to quit cold turkey.

 

Kahlil Gibran

Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation

Link to post
Share on other sites

john john

 

You are not over reacting. If she is a true N, she will call you one day, so be prepared. You may not want closure from her. I was with mine for 3.5 yrs and wanted closure and N's do not give that! Mine never even told me it was over. I have only been doing NC for 2 wks now and I know in my heart one day he will try again, but I plan on IGNORING HIM for once.

 

It is weird to see what you write....I think that your ex and mine could be brother and sister! He did all the same stuff as far as the silent treatment. Hang in there. I reached a point that I thought I was over reacting and I was just trying to justify his actions. YOU ARE NOT OVER REACTING! It is her. NPD is tough to deal with. Esp when they do not know they have it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
you have too make her feel that other girls want you, and she needs to do anything at all cost to keep you. I am not saying to disrespect her, just show her in away that is subtle. Who know's if this would work on a NPD though, they don't realy care eventhough they act like they do, it's so confusing.

 

Funny you mention this as I did try this in a very subtle way. It wasn't making her jealous by mentioning other women but rather just starting to go out w/friends a little more - something that should never be a problem in a healthy relationship anyway. All this did was escalate her punishing control tactics - more silent treatment and emotional withdrawal. This is classic of a N. The more independence you show from them, the more they escalate the cycle of abuse.

 

I highly doubt she will contact again and I know it would be for the best for her not to. The last contact I had, after her letter and my belongings returned, was an email from me. It was nice, short and sweet but never did I get a response. I think I know why. I've always told her that she's "left me in the dark" about things. I will say something, like "I care about you" or "I miss you" and often she will say nothing back, which drove me crazy. Since I told her that saying nothing leaves me in the dark, she digested that and what better way to get back at me at then end by doing just what I said bothers me - leaving me in the dark! When dealing with N's, never tell them what bothers you as they will jump at the chance to use it against you. Lesson learned.

 

Beth, thanks once again for your insight. We should set our ex's up! Email me if you want.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Now that you say that....anytime I would say I was going ut with friends rotalk about people at work or happen to be laughing when I answered the phone, his tone would change and bevery cold and prob wonder how in the world is someone aside form ME making her happy. Anytime I said I was going out he would said "OK enjoy yourself" that was what he said when he was actaully mad. Or he would tell me a lie about him going somewhere just so that I would get upset. Oh i do not miss all this crap!!!!!!Getting worked up just thinking of it!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Anytime I said I was going out he would said "OK enjoy yourself" that was what he said when he was actaully mad. Or he would tell me a lie about him going somewhere just so that I would get upset.

 

I hear ya. She would do basically the same and she fought real hard to hold back her jealousy and insecurities but they always ended up coming out. Then she all of a sudden told me she had plans with friends when she rarely did before. The timing of it was key. Bottom line is it's an endless battle that will go on and on. And the other thing is that N's are all about double-standards. I could go off on that but I won't bore everyone here.

Link to post
Share on other sites

one more thing that I am worked up over right now thinking is how he always said "you do not love me anymore...do you not miss me"....and things along that line. I guess so that I would respond with "oh baby, yes I do" I see now that was just to make HIM feel good!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Yeah you're right. It's all about their insecurities and they want you to feed them. Basically, what I learned is that you are responsible for their feelings. What's been the hardest part for me to get over is how they can be so great on one hand and so evil on another. If I found out that she was like this in the beginning, feelings would have never developed and therefore no hurt now. That's what they excel at - HOOKING you to get attached and once you do, then they completely change and their act is over.

Link to post
Share on other sites

So true JJ...Whats hurting me the most is that feeling on loneliness. Having a two year relationship and all of the suddenly in a blink of an eye it's gone. really hurts bad. The intimacy with her meant everything to me. Obviously for her it didn't mean shet. I realized I don't need that... I need someone thats normal, but even finding someone like that seems impossible now and days:confused:LOL

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
So true JJ...Whats hurting me the most is that feeling on loneliness. Having a two year relationship and all of the suddenly in a blink of an eye it's gone. really hurts bad. The intimacy with her meant everything to me. Obviously for her it didn't mean shet. I realized I don't need that... I need someone thats normal, but even finding someone like that seems impossible now and days:confused:LOL

 

Yeah I know what you mean. It's hard to start all over, but I keep reminding myself that I will be better off in the long run. What I am trying to take away from this is a new realization of how important it is to treat other people. Now that we've been on the receiving end of a person like this, if we can take that and learn from it then it should make us a better person in our next relationship. When breaking up with a narcissist, it is sometimes easy to be like them - bitter, unsympathetic and emotionless. Abuse breeds abuse. Hopefully all of us will not go that route!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 4 weeks later...
Gary the free

Abuse is not hard to figure out . If we are honest, we will see that we carry hurt and anger from times before. For me, it was an abusive family which led to abusive friends then to abusive lovers then abusive career choices. You can read all the books and get all the help but it boils down to a decision to stop carrying all the pain and anger and loss and hurt.(Your just carrying the abusers garbage anyways) The doers of the abuse have no clue.... and do not plan on changing in this lifetime. ..sad for them but move on anyways.Free yourselfs by hating the abusive behavior but not the abusers.This way we are forgiven in the process..go proudly without all the garbage shame and guilt intilled by abusers..Gary

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...