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I’m obsessed with my first love. I can’t move on


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Context: Talked for 3 months, Official for 1 month, broke up 1 month ago, and stopped talking 5 days ago.

 

So I start talking to this girl that I always wanted since high school. I was too nervous to ever talk to her, but the end of last year was when I got the courage to try. In the end it worked out, and had a great relationship with her.

 

My ex left me a month ago because of her extremely low self-esteem and her many insecurities about her image, and her inability to love herself. She said until she learns to love herself then she’s not ready to love me. We did tell each other we loved each other all the time and meant it. We talked about the future and she is an honest person so I believed her when she said she wanted to have a future with me. It never bothered her when we talked about stuff like marriage and children, even if we shouldn’t have been talking about it

 

She also says that we’re too young, she needs to focus on school, and she’s just not ready for a relationship. She is very hard to get to open up about her feelings and communicating is extremely hard for her. For example, she does not start a conversation and mostly only speaks when spoken to. It’s because she feels like she is bothering the person if she initiates the conversation.

 

She said I derserve better, and that she’s just not someone to be with because of her issues. I believe that I can’t love the “someone better” more than I love her.

 

Even with all that, we were both very happy and we deeply and sincerely loved each other in our relationship.

 

I still do love her very much. When I asked if she still thinks about us, she said she doesn’t as much as she used to which was every second of everyday.

 

I know I was happy before her, but now I don’t want to be happy without her anymore. I sincerely love her and we made promises. I intend to keep them. She just doesn’t know what she wants.

 

I am now giving her space. I asked her if we should keep talking how we did for a little while in between the beginning of the breakup and now, or to give space and not talk. She said we shouldn’t be talking, and me texting her every other week was kind of stressful to her. I have since stopped.

 

I know that there are plenty of fish in the sea, but I’m sure I found mine already. I thought that I could try to get over this, but I just can’t let her go. I’m sure that we’re soulmates, but things are getting in the way right now.

 

I just want your opinions, anything that might help to get her back in my life and give me hope, because I don’t want to spend the rest of it without her.

 

I pray to God every night to tell me what to do to get her back, and I pray that he brings us back together. I love her so much that I’ll do anything to have her again. I’d give up anything to have her in my arms again.

 

Please give me ideas and hope to maybe get her back. And maybe even someone in the chat to ask me more questions for clarification to maybe get her again.

Edited by r00b
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Regardless of what you said, I believe you starting to talk marriage and children with a person after only 3 months scared her off, and here's why. Because she knows you don't really know her well enough to be making those kind of overtures. She has now told you that she has some issues, and that is a part of her you do not know because she doesn't feel she knows you well enough to talk about it or show it to you, but what she does know is that she is not ready for this relationship, so she's called it off. I think you just got too serious too soon and she realize you were in a lot deeper than she was. Sorry. But she knows herself better than you do and she is saying she is not ready to continue. You've been good about respecting her wishes. There is no magic wand to make her come back. Don't put your life on hold waiting.

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Is there anyway to recover and fix that? Do you think I should tell her that I’m sorry about bringing that stuff up? I feel like I should and also say I’m sorry for assuming I knew her well enough to start speaking about it. I just wish that maybe I can tell her that I want her to know me well enough to try and start opening up and communicate about what went wrong. I know it’s probably gonna make things worse.

 

And I hope you don’t mind if we talk for a little bit

Edited by r00b
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Bud you don't jump in head over heels in 3 months. You come across as needy/clingy.

 

You most often can't undo what's been done. Learn from it.

 

No contact and stop pestering her. She's told you and shown you what she wants. Believe her.

 

We all screw up make mistakes. You're young and immature.

 

I promise you she isn't the only one in the world for you out there.

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ExpatInItaly

She’s trying to be gentle, but she’s nowhere near ready for a big commitment. You’re both very young and she doesn’t want to be tied down. While she liked you, she knows she isn’t invested. You can’t take big promises seriously so early on, particularly at your ages. I remember promising things to my then-boyfriend when I was your age, and honestly, I was in no position to do so. I was too young to have any clue which direction my life would take. 20 years later, we’re leading totally different lives and haven’t spoken in well over a decade. No hard feelings, but we moved on from each other ages ago. That was a few relationships ago for me now. I don’t say this to dash your hopes but rather to lend a little perspective.

 

I think you’re best to begin accepting that this girl wasn’t the one for you.

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Wallysbears

At 19 you are just starting out. You may very well wind up completely different people at 25.

 

And I’m guessing she wants to focus on college studies. Are you going to college?

 

Enjoy this part of your life to the fullest - you don’t get it back! Travel. See places. Meet lots of people. Take in all you can. Don’t worry about the “love of your life”. What you want at 19 and what you want at 23,25,28 are going to change a lot!

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You are 19. Talking about forever with a girl who is trying to find her place in the world is not a good plan. You came on too strong & she bolted.

 

Since you know her from HS, I assume you grew up near each other.

 

The best "hope" I can offer you is to back off for now. Go explore your own world. Figure out who you are as you grow into adult hood. Maybe at your 10 year HS reunion when you are both more stable you can revisit dating. Stranger things have happened

 

Note: The above plan only works if you actually go out & build a life for yourself in the intervening years . You can't sit around & pine for her.

 

In your next relationship wait at least a YEAR before you talk about marriage or forever

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  • 1 month later...
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I just still don’t understand how someone can tell you they truly and really love you like no one before, then be able orbit you and not ever talk to you or even check up on you after breaking up with you.

 

My ex broke up with me in February because she feels she’s not ready to be in a relationship due to her self esteem and her not being good with her emotions. She doesn’t know how to fully express herself because she was never taught to. I truly believe this is why because she was completely honest throughout our relationship and through the breakup. There wasn’t someone else, or anything I did.

 

I didn’t start NC until a month later because I did try to beg and convince her that we could fix it, but she wants to stick to her decision to learn to love herself before loving another.

 

I broke it last month to ask if I should move on and she said yes because she wants me to be happy. She said there was no other reason for our breakup besides her not being ready or able to make someone happy.

 

I’m still in denial after not hearing from her since and i’m feeling like an idiot even if I have hope that she’ll come back when she’s ready. I only think this because if someone told you how lucky they are to have you and they tell you how truly in love you are then why wouldn’t she.

 

I’m pretty sure she’s moved on. Not because she didn’t really love me and lied, but because it doesn’t matter how she feels and she needs to fix herself first.

 

I know NC is more for me to move on and everybody has been telling me to move on, but I can’t help but feel that if it’s real love, that she’ll come back when she’s ready.

 

I just wish either things would start to show us getting together again, or I wish that I could just stop clinging on.

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How old are you both.

Can never believe people rarely put that in because hth is anyone suppose to know if they're dealing with 16yr old or 40yr olds , and it's all a totally different ball game.

 

Anyway, and again with age , using love can be a flicker , or real , but whatever she is sounds young and a flicker, she doesn't even know what it is.

That's why she can be doing whatever now.

Your telling us right there what the problem is , so now you gotta man up and deal with it and move on.

She doesn't want this.

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Chillii, a quick check on the OP's history would have told you that they are young.

 

r00b, She's young. She's probably guilty of confusing infatuation with love. Rookie error, far too easy make. It's really tough now, but will pass with time. Lots of gorgeous young things to snog with when you're in college at house parties.

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ExpatInItaly
r00b, She's young. She's probably guilty of confusing infatuation with love. Rookie error, far too easy make. It's really tough now, but will pass with time. Lots of gorgeous young things to snog with when you're in college at house parties.

 

Yes, this. She wasn't (and still isn't) ready for the big promises she was making and she got far too caught up in the honeymoon phase when she talked of the future with you, OP. She doesn't have a mature sense of love yet.

 

It hurts, of course. But with more time and space away from her, and full No Contact, you will start to yearn less and less for her. One day, when you're healed and ready to meet someone new, you will see how this relationship wasn't the one meant to last a lifetime.

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My ex broke up with me in February because she feels she’s not ready to be in a relationship due to her self esteem and her not being good with her emotions. She doesn’t know how to fully express herself because she was never taught to. I truly believe this is why because she was completely honest throughout our relationship and through the breakup. There wasn’t someone else, or anything I did. She said her feelings about me were very true, but she just didn’t know how to show me. I know it wasn’t an excuse because she was posting sad status updates and what not.

 

I didn’t start NC until a month later because I did try to beg and convince her that we could fix it, but she wants to stick to her decision to learn to love herself before loving another.

 

I broke it last month to ask if I should move on and she said yes because she wants me to be happy. She said there was no other reason for our breakup besides her not being ready or able to make someone happy.

 

I’m still in denial after not hearing from her since and i’m feeling like an idiot even if I have hope that she’ll come back when she’s ready. I only think this because if someone told you how lucky they are to have you and they tell you how truly in love you are then why wouldn’t she.

 

She goes back and forth from being happy. I remember when her social media would first be how happy she is to wanting to actually be happy.

 

I have a gut feeling that she does miss me, but is not messaging me or anything because she’s either scared or still being her usual self with not knowing how to initiate.

 

I’m pretty sure she’s moved on. Not because she didn’t really love me and lied, but because it doesn’t matter how she feels and she needs to fix herself first.

 

It bugs me because when I asked her how she feels about me she wouldn’t give me an answer. I’m still confused whether she still has any sort of feelings or not.

 

I know NC is more for me to move on and everybody has been telling me to move on, but I can’t help but feel that if it’s real love, that she’ll come back when she’s ready.

 

I’ve been thinking about whether I should message her or not, because I don’t want to see her become a stranger. I don’t want to regret losing the chance because I didn’t swallow my pride and text her first. I also think about asking her friend about her, but I hear that’s a bad idea.

 

I know her feelings were true, but I just wish either things would start to show us getting together again, or I wish that I could just stop clinging on.

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Been there, done that... Assume she has told you the truth. This would mean you should let her go and do her thing. She can't fix herself overnight, or in weeks or perhaps even months or years. She will slip up at times. You being around would most likely slow things down or make them not happen at all. And she will come out a different person on the other side. One who might not even be interested in someone like you.

 

 

If you love her, let her go. It's the most loving thing you can do really.

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TheFinalWord

Look brother, she's gone. Don't be a simp and buy her things or write her messages about how much you love her.

 

You gave her your all, were there for her, accepted her downfalls and your best wasn't enough. That's messed up. Why would you want someone like that? You aren't losing a chance because of pride. She's the one that dumped you. She lost the chance to be with you. She knew when she made that decision to dump that she would not get you back. She knew that and made that choice anyway. She's NEVER coming back. Ever. When you write her all you're doing is validating her and stroking her ego. She might have pity for you and write you back because she's been dumped by a guy she liked in the past. But a woman's pity is not going to make her want you back.

 

She doesn't love you and who knows if she's telling the truth. She didn't answer because she doesn't want to hurt you feelings and tell you she doesn't love you. But she doesn't. If she loved you, she'd want her man to help her through her journey of self-discovery. Instead she discarded you and said I'm better of alone.

 

For your own dignity, don't write her anymore, ask about her to friends, and stop stalking her social media. A lot of the times when a woman dumps a guy for no real reason like abuse or cheating, there's another guy in the picture. When you stalk her page you're going to eventually see that guy and its going to crush you and make you go through all the pain all over again.

 

Every time you reach out, you re-start the process. Think about it. Every time you write her, she knows that means you're waiting around and she can "find herself" whatever that means at her own pace because she knows you're still waiting around. She feels no anxiety that you're moving on.

 

It makes you look desperate and like she's your only option. That reduces attraction.

Edited by TheFinalWord
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You will stop holding on when you decide to stop. Right now you are holding out hope & that hope is holding you back. You can't move forward because you won't let yourself.

 

NC will help you because it will remove her from the forefront of your thoughts. Disconnect on all social media & take her phone # out of your phone so you can't call or text.

 

For the next week every time you find yourself thinking about her, redirect your thoughts by reminding yourself that the relationship is over & you have to move on.

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mark clemson

IMO, staying friends with an ex only occasionally works well - if the people involved have a genuine bond outside the relationship and are exceptionally emotionally mature. This doesn't sound like your case.

 

What staying friends is likely to do, other than being an unsatisfying friendship, is make it harder for you to move on like you probably need to.

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  • 3 months later...
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I’ve posted here a long time ago and i’m not sure if I need to cross post or how to so I’m just gonna make a new one

 

context: my ex gf broke up with me in february because she wanted to work on her self esteem and emotions.

 

My ex was an emotional wreck. She was extremely insecure about her image, her emotions and almost everything. She goes back and forth from over confidence to very little. She also was never able to start a conversation because she would be scared that she would annoy me.

 

When we were together she would always tell me she loved me. She said honesty was important to her but nobody can ever tell if someone’s being truthful, so as far I as know, she loved me as much as I too her.

 

When she broke up with me she said that she needs this time to fix herself and it had nothing to do with me. I tried and tried to get her to work on it with me but she wouldn’t budge. This is what she had to do.

 

Months go by, and I text her to try and fix us. I get hit with a “I’m really trying to focus on myself. I can’t be in a relationship because there is so much wrong with me. I don’t expect or want you to wait for me. I don’t know how long I’ll be.”

 

A week ago, she texted me happy birthday, so I said “thank you *******” and then she liked my message and I haven’t heard since.

 

I love her so much. I’m going crazy without her. I constantly look at her social media, and I know I need to block her or something but I know I’ll just unblock. I don’t want to ask her to remove me, because I’m scared that I’ll never be added back and never get to see anything again.

 

I look at Twitter to see if things she posts and retweets are about me, because when she does tweet or retweet something, it’s because it’s her opinion. So i see things like “If I’ve ever loved someone I always will, and it may be different but I don’t stop” and “Real feelings don’t just go away”. This was a week ago. But I also see stuff like “I wanna cuddle with someone”. I feel like the former is about me but I don’t know who is the other.

 

If she was honest, then I am her first love too. I just don’t get how she doesn’t feel the way I do. I love her so damn much and I just want to be with her.

 

I need help. I’m so optimistic and believe that she misses me too, but it sucks knowing that she’s on her phone everyday and never texts me, except to say happy birthday.

 

Please someone tell me something. It’s been over half a year now.

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ExpatInItaly

You are not helping yourself enough here. Delete her from social media. You will regret not doing so when the day comes that you see her posting about a new guy.

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I'm sure she is everything you say she is. She is trying very hard to let you down easy and not hurt you more then she is. That's very kind and considerate of her.

 

Please accept that she's gone and won't be back in the foreseeable future. It's going to be very tough for you. The longing may go on for the good part of a year depending on how you handle it.

 

Block her out of every device you use. Gather any memorabilia you have, box it up and hide it. Change your environment at home to give you a different feeling. If you have any furniture that triggers memories drag it out to the garage and put a tarp over it.

 

Do not go to places that she frequents. Change your social circle if possible - become a ghost.

 

A new group of friends will work wonders for you.

 

At your age, you have a long way to go so don't waste your time. Improve your mind and improve yourself as a person.

 

If your mind starts reminiscing do something repetitive like counting to 30 over and over until it abates. I know it sounds simple but it's harder to do then you would think.

 

A year from now things will be much different but it's going to be a long year.

 

Good luck

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