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Doubts about my girlfriend


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I have a girlfriend that loves me, but i do not always agree with her. I don’t know if I feel the same way about her. I like asian girls more anyway.Should I break up with her? How should I say it to her?

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I mean should I break up if I don’t feel the same way and how could I break up with her nicely, so we could stay just friends or acquaintances.

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I mean should I break up if I don’t feel the same way and how could I break up with her nicely, so we could stay just friends or acquaintances.

There is no 'nice' way to break up.

 

 

You do not want to stay 'friends or acquaintances'. You leave her alone and go no contact so she has the time and space to hopefully move on.

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I mean should I break up if I don’t feel the same way and how could I break up with her nicely, so we could stay just friends or acquaintances.

 

Whether or not you break up should depend on what the problems are and whether they can be fixed. Or if perhaps you simply don't want to work on them. I can't advise whether you should break up on the small amount of information you've given.

 

It would help if you told us your ages and what issues are making you consider walking away.

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healing light

If you're feeling weird about her caring more for you than you care for her, and you can't envision yourself catching up to her feelings, then it's best to just let her go. From this post, you sound young and like you want to explore other women. There's really not a lot of information to go by.

 

Breakups always hurt. Once you know it's truly over with someone, it's best to end things sooner rather than later so there's not more memories and emotional investment to grieve.

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Well we are in early twenties, she just gets really offended very easily and very often i feel really guilty about that.Sometimes i just don't understand her what she is trying to say or i just don’t notice that much when she tells me something.She is not satisfied with herself and her appearance, even though nothing is wrong, she is getting sick very often. Doesn’t want to leave home, otherwise there is always something wrong always gets scared and blames me for bringing her there. Most times calls me Dude (which I don’t find respectful. Maybe she doesn’t expect for our relationship to last). When we ho out sometimes and find a perfect moment for each other she just picks her phone and calls her sister and chats with her for most of the time and I feel lonely, since they just talk to each other. She really gets offended whenever I take a photo with her, according to her I cannot take a photo in a way she looked beautiful enough (although I thought it’s just a minor technicality).She hardly accepts any money from me, whenever we go to restaurant or another places (she’s from a poor family).In general she has a very weak mental and physical health. So how can I be the good guy and help her? Maybe she really needs me by her side. She gave me a lot but I don’t know if I can give the same or more to her. If so? What steps could I make? Maybe I’m doing something wrong right now.

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Whether or not you break up should depend on what the problems are and whether they can be fixed. Or if perhaps you simply don't want to work on them. I can't advise whether you should break up on the small amount of information you've given.

 

It would help if you told us your ages and what issues are making you consider walking away.

 

Well we are in early twenties, I am 24, she just gets really offended very easily and very often i feel really guilty about that.Sometimes i just don't understand her what she is trying to say or i just don’t notice that much when she tells me something.She is not satisfied with herself and her appearance, even though nothing is wrong, she is getting sick very often. Doesn’t want to leave home, otherwise there is always something wrong always gets scared and blames me for bringing her there. Most times calls me Dude (which I don’t find respectful. Maybe she doesn’t expect for our relationship to last). When we ho out sometimes and find a perfect moment for each other she just picks her phone and calls her sister and chats with her for most of the time and I feel lonely, since they just talk to each other. She really gets offended whenever I take a photo with her, according to her I cannot take a photo in a way she looked beautiful enough (although I thought it’s just a minor technicality).She hardly accepts any money from me, whenever we go to restaurant or another places (she’s from a poor family).In general she has a very weak mental and physical health. So how can I be the good guy and help her? Maybe she really needs me by her side. She gave me a lot but I don’t know if I can give the same or more to her. If so? What steps could I make? Maybe I’m doing something wrong right now.

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When we ho out sometimes and find a perfect moment for each other she just picks her phone and calls her sister and chats with her for most of the time and I feel lonely, since they just talk to each other.

 

I hadn't given much thought to that but the cell phone can be like bringing someone else along on a date. Still, it's just a tool and depends on how the person uses it as to whether the outcome is positive or negative.

 

As far as your girl friend goes - dump her. A nice slender Asian girl with blocked-out hair that frames her face gliding around in a stunning summer dress should ease any pangs of regret you feel.

 

Think about your GF calling you Dude and then think about your new asian squeeze addressing you respectfully as Timmy-san. Repeat it over and over in your mind and it will erase all doubts as to what you need to do.

 

Then again my Cambodian friend Horn tells me that Asian girls will take a frying to pan your head as readily any other female in the world.

 

You feel you owe your GF as she has already given you more then you can repay. It sure didn't seem like it from the list complaints you provided. She sounded a bit irritating to be around and not tuned to your emotional needs.

 

What's the connection that makes you stay? How do you feel about her? Do you miss her when you are apart? Would she respond if you made an effort to improve the relationship and not just complain about her habits that you find irritating?

 

Do you see her as the mother of your children?

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You feel you owe your GF as she has already given you more then you can repay. It sure didn't seem like it from the list complaints you provided. She sounded a bit irritating to be around and not tuned to your emotional needs.

 

What's the connection that makes you stay? How do you feel about her? Do you miss her when you are apart? Would she respond if you made an effort to improve the relationship and not just complain about her habits that you find irritating?

 

Do you see her as the mother of your children?

 

Well I know for sure that certainly she doesn’t feel that she owes me anything, she has her needs as well. Yes of course I want to improve and be there when she needs me. I really miss her sometimes when we’re apart. I really see her as the mother of my children, but the problem is that she stated multiple times that she doesn’t want to have any children. But as a man I want to have children. In the very beginning when we met she said that she doesn’t want anything.

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You didn't say you were but I will assume you are exclusive and all the dating profiles and facebook romances are taken down or on hold.

 

To have or not to have children is a fundamental difference that has to be resolved soon if it's a deal breaker for you. My wife did not want children and it was not deal breaker for me but I was ambivalent about being a dad. You feel much more strongly about it so it will become a point of contention. You can't count on her changing her mind so you shouldn't let this go on too long because you are wasting your time if you want kids and she doesn't.

 

Another point I would bring up is that this independent streak where she wants nothing from you is bit worrisome. It's as if she holding you at arms length. Not allowing a full embrace when you hug. Always keeping something of herself in reserve that she won't share. Do you see it that way at all or am I off base? Even using the term "Dude" feels like a distance inducing strategy.

 

If you agree, I wonder where that comes from?

 

IF you want to improve your relationship listen to what she says to you and try to modify your behavior to whatever degree you can manage. Do all the regular BF stuff and once in awhile go beyond the call of duty.

 

You could go to the library and get some books on couples relationships. Might be a few good ideas to use.

 

Oh yeah. The most important suggestion you can make to her is tell her no more dude - please call me Timmy-san.

 

Good luck

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There seems to be a strange mixture of things going on.

 

If you want to have children and she does not, then it is worth talking to her about this. You are both young. She may not feel the need to have a child for a few years yet. She may not feel the need at all. You cannot know at this point if she is going to change her mind. All you can do is to talk with her about it and how it is important for you in the long run. See how she responds.

 

It does sound like she is treating you disrespectfully. One way of dealing with this is for you to walk off and do something else when she does. As soon as she realises you are not hanging about waiting for her attention, she might think twice before ignoring you.

 

Have you asked her not to call you Dude? You need to be firm about this, saying how you dislike it and feel it is disrespectful. If she still keeps calling you that, then she only has herself to blame if you walk out on her.

 

It could be she is not asking for anything because she does not expect anything. But, you are both doing things for each other so she is getting some needs met as are you. There is no relationship where people do not want anything; they just don't say out loud what they need. I have also had this used against me in the past. A partner saying they are not expecting anything from you or asking anything of you, could be self-denying, but also they are subtly hinting that you should not ask anything of them either. That's the bottom line. Relationships don't work like that; each person has needs and if they are not being met eventually the relationship founders. What needs of yours are not being met in this relationship?

 

If you want to stay with your girlfriend, you need to teach her how to respect you by denying her your company when she is not doing so. I suspect that at the moment you are hanging around waiting for her, rather than opting out when her behaviour is poor. She will be surprised at first, but you can say quite nicely "you were busy so I decided to spend some time alone". She can hardly complain about that. If she does, tough! You deserve respect.

 

Think about your needs. Your feelings matter too, not just your girlfriend's. If you two are to work out together, you both need to care about each other's feelings and the foundation of the relationship needs to be a bit more equal.

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  • 1 month later...
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My girlfriend wants a break up and said that se should remain friends , I really respect her. But its not going to be easy because we work together in the same office and I see her every day.I dont want to leave her but she said that she made her decision and not going to change it. I just want to make it easier for both of us.

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There is no way to make it easier unfortunately..

 

 

You definitely should not stay friends, that's the last thing you want.

 

As she has made up her mind, it's her loss, so cut all contact. Working in the same office makes things harder, it's up to you how you deal with that. When you see her you don't need to talk to her unless it's something work related. If it becomes too much then try to move offices or last resort find a new job.

 

 

Only thing that will make it easier is time.

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ExpatInItaly

Keep any interaction professional and minimal. You will have no choice but to be civil at work, but do not communicate outside of that.

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healing light

Yeah, I agree. If you do still communicate outside of work, don't do it daily or weekly, it will just keep you hooked emotionally on the hope that you can get back together when that may not be the case. It's hard. I think friendships with exes are best formed after both of you have moved on/are over the idea of rekindling the romance.

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Twizzlestick

Hi OP I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m sensing you didn’t have a mega dramatic breakup? I’m guessing as you didn’t write that. But if so that’s really good it’ll help you feel better in the long run as it’ll make it easier at work for you. Well not easy, just easier than if you’ve both been screaming at each other.

 

Seeing at work will be torture but I’m sure you’ll keep it civil. It will become something more normal with time, and when you start to recover your humour and confidence will show back in the office with your colleagues.

 

Notice I said YOU a lot. I know you want to think of what’s right for you “both”. But worry about you, your ex has already done something solely for herself by ending it. It’s you time now. Self care.

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If you choose to stay friends you will not be able to move on. She wants this so she can feel better about the break-up but it will put you in limbo and always thinking reconciliation is around the corner.

 

Minimize your contact. Date again as soon as possible.

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  • 3 weeks later...
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We with my girlfriend broke up, and she said that nothing is ever going to change her mind.But after we broke up I feel so sad and worried. Don’t want to live anymore. Will I ever be loved again. Is there a chance for me that someone will love me?

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It hurts so much in the beginning. It's hard to accept. But just realized that the feelings you have for her came from within yourself. That is love that you carry within yourself and you can take it with you when you leave. You don't just lose love. One of these days you'll find someone else to give it to. The sooner you accept it didn't move on the sooner you will feel better. You just have to realize that she knew that this wasn't the right situation for her. sometimes the other person knows something you don't and realizes that something isn't going to work.

 

But you have your whole life ahead of you, and your self-worth should not be tied up in one person. Your life is valuable whether she's in it or not. You just take some time and try and get it all out. Then you start putting one foot ahead of the other keep yourself together and make yourself get back out there and live life. You will not always feel this way, but most of us have felt this way at one time or another. Hang in there.

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My friend, NO WOMAN is worth taking your life over. There are billions of them out there. You will find another one more worthy of your affection. Hang in there.

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We have all been there before. It will only get better with time. At the start it doesn't feel like it I know, but yes one day you will meet someone who appreciates you for you.

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Of course you will love again. As bad as this is, time will heal your wounds. Please don't do anything drastic.

 

Come back & post. We can help you through this.

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